Acts 10:39-43
We are witnesses of everything he did in the country of the Jews and in Jerusalem. They killed him by hanging him on a cross, but God raised him from the dead on the third day and caused him to be seen. He was not seen by all the people, but by witnesses whom God had already chosen — by us who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead. He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead. All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name. (NIV)

Have you ever wondered …

  • Who is a witness, a chosen one?
  • What is the name that grants us forgiveness?


What is forgiveness by God?

Forgiveness has nothing to do any wrongdoing in the world. That is why God cares none if you are a murderer or you are a saint. He loves both equally. We may not like it because we see ourselves through a moral lens that says that there is a ‘right’ way and a ‘wrong’ way, and there a good kind of person and there is a bad kind of person.

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The greatest SIN

The greatest sin is that we take on the image the world shows us of ourselves and lose touch with our true nature and the gifts we arrived here with.

This is how we are separated from God.

We allow the separation by willingly become the person we are asked to in order to feel safe and protected in a crazy and violent world. The price we pay is our identity in God.


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Morning awareness

This morning as I was contemplating in the conservatory looking out into the morning darkness and observing how the faint light becomes stronger and stronger with each minute, I noticed how unsatisfied I was with my life.

I consider myself an exceptionally bright human being with a unique sense of creativity and depth of vision that is not available to the majority. I am gifted. I have a lot to offer but all that is trapped inside of me within the bars of the cage I live in. Some people call it comfort-zone, some barriers or blockages that prevent me from fulfilling my potential.

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Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.


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As I am heading back to the UK to work, I sadly noticed how dissatisfied I was with my life. It is not that I am not grateful for what I am given. Neither is it about not being expecting to be rich or running my own company or having some giant deal going on for me in the world. It is simply the nagging feeling that I somehow block myself to be the Best of Me.

Though I doubted my abilities for decades after having been put down and been told what a useless human being I was. Now, I know what I can offer, I also know what actions bring me a sense of flow and satisfaction. I am still not doing them. Not much anyway.

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Epiphany in disguise

Yesterday, I was observing the epiphanies in my life.

In the morning I had a lovely chat with my best friends discussing our New Year’s resolutions and how we envisage our life the next year. Life was good and I felt a sense of connection and being supported. I had many epiphanies during our discussions on how I sabotage myself in areas of my life where I feel stuck and ‘unlucky’.

After our talk, I went to have something to eat and I found my mum with a measuring tape and a list of furniture outlets. After my inquiry she told me that she and my brother had decided to move my bookshelf, put my books into some cabinet in my brother’s bedroom and stand a hanger in place of the bookshelf that so far had stood in my brother’s living room.

I went into an unexpected rage saying ‘You do not dare touch my things! If anything is on your way, I’ll take care of it.’ With that I steamed upstairs and moved the whole book case into ‘my’ bedroom. Upon my furious rearranging the living room my brother questioned my behavior. I told him that I was only moving my bookcase and books into my bedroom. I was simply told that it was not ‘my bedroom’ and I am only quest in his house. My mother seconded that by saying that I was behaving like an idiot.

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Blinded By Your Grace, Pt. 2

I’m blinded by your grace
I’m blinded by your grace, by your grace
I’m blinded by your grace
I’m blinded by your
Lord, I’ve been broken
Although I’m not worthy
You fixed me, I’m blinded
By your grace
You came and saved me
Lord, I’ve been broken
Although I’m not worthy
You fixed me, now I’m blinded
By your grace
You came and saved me
One time for the Lord

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Observing the 12 days of Christmas

As I am observing the days of this Christmas season am becoming more and more aware of the excruciating effects of my narcissistic expectations.

I expect the world to roll up its sleeves and fight for the good, the noble, the exceptional, the unique, the better, the more human, the perfect … In response, however, the world is upset with me. Each time I demand a change the world throws its fists at me. Justly, I must add. What I do not see is that each time I request a better version of what is the world feels judged, criticized, dismissed and condemned.

Though, I understand that my critical nature was formed under immense amount of scrutiny as a child and it eventually developed into a full-blown discerning meddles and fault-finder, I still believe that the problem is not with the ‘what’ but the ‘how’.

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“ Beloved,
I am waiting for you to free me
into your mind
And infinite being.
I am pleading in absolute helplessness
To her, finally, your word of Grace:
Fly! Fly into ME!
Who can understand
Your sublime nearness and separation?”
(Hafiz, I heard God Laughing)


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I heard God sharing (Sept 2017)

God often talks to me. I used to ignore Him because I did not understand what He said. He was persistent. He never gave up trying to find the way to share with me. So, eventually, I bowed at His wish and started to listen. Then I learnt what a special experience it is when He talks. He is kind and clear in His sharing. He guides with His words and shows the way forward. i feel very grateful for His friendship. I decided to share some of His words.

During a meditation session, God revealed to me that He want me to see and love His Creation. He is proud of it. He explained that the next step on my journey is to start journeying within. This may result in me journeying less on the outside.

Upon my asking God to become my partner, he revealed to me that I have so far had a distorted view, like the one expressed in Corinthians 13:12. “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in parts; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” I misunderstood what I saw because I was looking through forged lenses.

I  heard that I was not a reject. I am unique and original. I am only redirected not rejected. That I should not feel inadequate because I cannot fit in. I need to learn to be OK with my way of experiencing things, even when they do not seem to be the same as the experiences of others. Neither do I need to convince others to see things my way.

I was told that God is my partner. I am to share with him, nobody else matters. Everything I do is for Him, He is my main audience. He wants me to see His Creations and He is excited in my sharing my Creations with him.

The most important element in our relationship is our partnership. We are walking hand in had like best friends.

I thought I was a mistake because I could not become a devotee, but I learnt that I am great because I am a fantastic friend.

god speaks

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Jar of Hope

jar of hope

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12 days of Xmas + NY resolutions

Today I was contemplating on the significance of the 12 days of Christmas. I have read various articles and watched videos on how different cultures celebrate Christmas, New Year and the time between the 25th of December and the 6th of January.

According to the Christian Church each day of the 12 days of Christmas is devoted to a saint or some religious act. In the calendar I found a day devoted to St Thomas Becket, the Archbishop of Canterbury (29 December) or another to St Egwin of Worcester (30th Devember). I understood that Christians celebrate Mary, Jesus’s mother as well as St. Basil the Great and St. Gregory Nazianzen or St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, the first American saint. The dates, events and celebrations all depend on the type of Church you follow.
My guest for the twelve days of Christmas is to see ‘how much devotion I can generate in my spiritual practice for the next year’. On the 6th of January, at Epiphany, I will commit myself for a year of delight. Until then, I am gathering focus and understanding on what I mean by ‘delight’and what the truly meaningful ‘things’ are to my soul’s journey in the physical.

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Advent W4

The fourth week of Advent: LOVE

When I wrote about the week of joy, I somehow secretly expected it to be fun. But the week, though it was easy going with some laughter it was not very enjoyable at all. I felt exhausted. Still, I kept on going, kept on smiling, kept on doing the work I had been assigned to. Then I snapped. I could no do it any longer. Like a stubborn horse, I budged, and I did not move. I said I was done and I was off. It did not go down very well but I was so firm in my decision that universe co-operated and I was released.

Last night, upon my arrival I had a huge glass of wine then I watched Heaven is for Real. I cried my eyes out. The equilibrium was restored. But joy still had not arrived. Then I set down to see if there was a movie I fancied on TV. I found a channel that ran a Jennifer Aniston marathon. I watched and laughed through two of her movies. I felt much lighter, I felt the healing effect of my light-heartedness, a sense of carelessness. I enjoyed that I was free to do as I pleased because the ‘house’ was mine fi\or the night. But my sense of Joy still had not come.

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The joy of being me

I am happy. I experience joy, suddenly. I realize that I carry the energy of the court jester. Someone who can be laughed at and made fun of because nobody actually understands what she is saying. It is always, however, that the jester is witty and entertaining because he is intelligent and bright. I live in a world of magnificence. I see colours, shapes and forms experience depth that is not available to many. My mind is wired in a way that allows me to see the vastness of our human existence. I can actually experience and grasp the layers of my hu-manity; my God-Essence in a human form.

Sadly, I denied who I am in God for many, many years because I was told that I was wrong.

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Advent W3

The third week of Advent: JOY

This week we reclaim our sense of joy.

After having become aware of a layer of our personality that does not serve us any more and having made peace with it, we can rejoice.

Being joyous requires a little bit more than just having some fun time over the holidays. In our joy we are reconnected with your God Essence. It is, however, only possible if you have freed yourself from some of the blocks that held you hostage. The part of your shadow personality that you made peace with last week can be let go of now. In the releasing of the blockage you can suddenly see and experience more of who you are.

When we light the third candle, let us remember who we truly are: a sparkle of God’s Essence. With that let us embrace, this week, our ‘good and bad’ and have great fun with it all.

 three candles

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My word for the year 2018 is …



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When your nemesis is your saviour

She is just a trigger. One of the unaware ones.

In a sense, I am grateful to her. Not only for myself but for the other two girls, too. She is our nemesis. She drives us off the wall. Each one of us differently.

She shows one how much she tries to avoid conflicts and how hard she tries to smooth the rough edges in order to avoid it bursting into her face. She shows her how much efforts she invest into covering it up so the real issue would never show its face. This one needs to learn to face the music and know that others have responsibilities too over matters. She needs to learn to trust that others bear the ability to deal with troublesome issues themselves, alone.

One she probes on her sense of maturity and inner-stability by asking confusing questions and pretending to be the wise one. This one needs to learn and know that she does not need to explain herself because her decisions are valid and just. She is powerful and has the right to be angry and say no to unacceptable behaviour.

With me, well, she blames me for it all. So, I need to learn and know that I am not to be blamed and that I am immaculate.

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Your DIVINE WORD for the YEAR 2018

Focus creates experiences.

Have you ever noticed that when focusing on a type of car, they start appearing everywhere? Or when you focus on a certain colour it seems to be all around you?

No surprise! These experiences are due to your focus on a particular matter or idea. Moreover, all of your experiences are consequences of the focus of you attention. You may not be aware but if you observe your experiences they tell you where your focus is laid.
Luckily, you can consciously direct it in a way that your focal point creates miraculously divine experiences for you.

When you pray to God to deliver you a certain experience you actually sharpen your focus on the very thing you wish for. Why don’t you support God’s effort by straightening your own intentions? To maximize success you can chose a focus for a whole year. In God’s Grace, your divine intention will be delivered to you via miraculous serendipity.

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Jung Quotes


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Advent W2

The second week of Advent: PEACE

Last week I was contemplating on HOPE and how hope can change my focus from the negative and depressive to the light-hearted and joyous.

The theme of the second week of Advent is PEACE. When we light the second candle on the Advent Wreath we shift our attention from HOPE to PEACE. This week, we are asked to make peace with something that has long been troubling us.

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Answers to questions, Advent W1

This week I needed some self support in overcoming my challenges. During the week of HOPE I decided to remind myself of the good things, particularly in areas where I feel the most challenged by negative thoughts. I created a few questions to help me remember.

1. Can I find anything positive about the way I was brought up? – I grew up with value system that taught me to appreciate knowledge and education. My parents loved travelling and I received many gifts on their returns. In my family giving gifts to each other was the major way of showing love and appreciation so I received a lot of things as a child.

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Advent W1

The first week of Advent: HOPE

According to the Christian Church Advent means “coming” and in this season we prepare for the coming of Christ. One of the ways we prepare for the coming is by making the Advent wreath and lighting its candles to remind us of the gifts Christ brings to the world. (source)

In my experience, however, Advent is about walking through the darkness like a tunnel and coming out at the other end at Christ-mass. This is when we celebrate our rebirth in Christ-consciousness; in the Loving through the eyes of God.

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Dia de los Muertos

A beautiful celebration of remembering. The Day of the Dead reminds us to embrace the wonderful memories of our loved ones who are not with us any more but whom we can connect with in spirit, particularly, during this fun-filled and light-hearted event.

The celebration of  Dia de los Muertos asks us to remember that in spirit we are all connected and that no soul is lost in God’s realm. The loss of a loved one pains us, nevertheless, we must remember that our journey does not stop at our departure from the physical world. Our spirit travels on and we can reconnect with and celebrate the freedom of the spirit who is not binded by the limitations of life in the physical any more.

The book of Life Trailer

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Heartfelt Connection

The Heart’s Intuitive Intelligence: A path to personal, social and global coherence

The Spiritual Heart — is in a way a little like a smart phone, invisibly connecting us to a large network of information. It is through an unseen energy that the heart emits that humans are profoundly connected to all living things. The energy of the heart literally links us to each other. Every person’s heart contributes to a ‘collective field environment.’ This short video explains the importance of this connection and how we each add to this collective energy field. The energetic field of the heart even connects us with the earth itself.

The HeartMath Institute is helping provide a more comprehensive picture of this connection between all living things through a special science-based project called the Global Coherence Initiative. They hope to help explain the mysteries of this connection between people and the earth…and even the sun.

Scientists at the HeartMath Institute (HMI) have already conducted extensive research on the power of heart, the heart/brain connection, heart intelligence and practical intuition.

Whether personal relationships, social connections, or even the global community – we are all connected through a field of electromagnetic energy. Increasing individual awareness of what we bring to this field environment could be the key to creating a sustainable future, a future that we can be proud to have helped create.

Links to visit

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After a life-changing head injury, Kimberly Yates realized that the path to forgiveness was not what it seemed to be. In describing what she learned after stepping outside of her comfort zone, Kimberly teaches us to take a long, hard look at how we forgive.

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Personal Storytelling – HOLOS 1


During these years of self-discovery, I found healing through art, meditation, and by attending personal development seminars and such. I soon understood that I am not only interested in finding my own answers but I wish to support others in finding theirs, too. As a next step, I embarked on a journey of becoming a coach and a trainer and later a minister.

Sometime later, with the support of some friends, I established a non for profit organisation and started to work with teachers, parents and children, particularly children living in orphanages. During these years, I gathered how important it is for me to be available for the emotionally needy and to help them find inner resources to recover from their losses and difficulties.

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Upclose and personal

Good God! A 4-hour chatting marathon. It helped me understand that I was hanging in the void for quite some time thinking that I was with God but I actually wasn’t. When I realized this I felt cheated and very lost.  I hold God responsible for my ‘stuck-ness’.

I suddenly understand how stuck I am. I have been stuck for a very long time, even before I arrived here. I seem to have been lingering in the void all along. And I still have not realized why I could not go through the void the first place. I must be holding some grouch, somewhere. What I understand now is that I feel that God has let me down. I hold him responsible for my stuck-ness. I feel that he does not help me though it though he could. He should. I know it is silly but this is how it feels right now.

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I don’t know if I’m getting old
I don’t know if I’m getting tired
I don’t know if I want to go to work today
‘Cause I spent last night with my old friend
He said its make or break time
So I asked the burning question
Why when I want to make a forward move do you knock me to the ground?
And he said…

He said I’m gonna break you down
And then I’m gonna build you up again
Stronger then ever before

I don’t know if I’m getting wasted
I don’t know if I’m disillusioned
I don’t know if I want to make the effort today
I had another bad night with my old friend
He said there’s no separation, there’s only integration,
He really isn’t anything physical
Just a voice inside my head, that keeps saying, keep saying, keep saying. ..

He said I’m gonna break you down boy
And then I’m gonna build you up again
Stronger then ever before
(he says I’m gonna break you down boy)
He said I’m gonna break you down
Then I’m gonna build you up again

He said I’m gonna take your mother away
So I can watch your boyhood burn
E’en though your father failed to show you the way
And now there’s no where left to turn
He said I’m gonna break you down boy
I’m gonna turn your rock to sand
He said I’m gonna crush your spirit boy
Then you’ll have to take a stand
He said I’m gonna hurt you so bad
You’ll have no where left to turn
(He said I’m gonna break you down boy)
He said I’m gonna break you down boy
Then you can finally be a man

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A child’s world …

Worried that their son was too optimistic, the parents of a little boy took him to a psychiatrist. In an attempt to dampen the boy’s spirits, the psychiatrist showed him into a room piled high with nothing but horse manure. Instead of displaying distaste, the little boy clambered to the top of the pile and began digging.

“What are you doing?” the psychiatrist asked.

“With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere.”

Ben Jonesx


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Shreds of Thought

The wounded are the best healers.

I would like to give the kids in my care the opportunity to know God, or rather I’d like to prevent them from loosing God’s Love.

I don’t seem to be able to heal myself or give myself back what is lost. I seems to be lost forever. But I wish to help the kids to recognize God within themselves, that the are co-creators with God and in His Power they are safe. So, they do not need to sell out, they do not have to become powerless creatures in the storm of emotions. They can learn to recognize His Power invested in them and consciously hold onto that power through meditation and  praying. They can know God and not lost in the world.

I wish teens could understand that living in mystical love is a state of continuous orgasm of the soul. The body does not understand the soul’s desire for ecstasy. The body thinks that its pleasured state is the best place to be. How wrong. The pleasure that the soul brings about through its connectios with its originator is the deepest pleasure of all.


images (1)

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My Easter Resurrection

Over the past few days, I have been wondering what to do to ‘overcome death’. Christians believe that “the meaning of Easter is Jesus Christ’s victory over death. His resurrection symbolizes the eternal life that is granted to all who believe in Him. The meaning of Easter also symbolizes the complete verification of all that Jesus preached and taught during His three-year ministry. … His resurrection … gave final and irrefutable proof that He was really the Son of God and that He had conquered death once and for all. … the meaning of Easter, for millions of Christians, is that of honouring and recognizing Jesus Christ’s resurrection from the dead, and His glorious promises of eternal life for all who believe in Him. ” Source

In a broader sense, overcoming death means letting go of the world in order to reunite with God once and for all. In my understanding, Jesus’ life and teaching is rather a source of guidance than a solution. I cannot consider Jesus’ sacrifice as an act of good deed for humanity, so we would not need to do anything but believe in Him for our own resurrection. I strongly believe that Jesus came to show us an example ‘how to do it’, he did not simply sacrificed himself on the cross so we would not be required to do a thing, ever.

For me, Faith is active, a constant movement both within and out in the world, too. Exactly, like Jesus showed us, He preached and lived the teaching.

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Servant of Love

This morning I asked God why He gives me this amazing ability, this heightened level of perception to see beyond the surface, that I call intelligence? I questioned why he allowed me to have access to such great depths of this world if I cannot make others see this world? I complained that He wasted my talent because no matter how hard I tried to explain what I can perceive nobody could understand it. This endless struggle also makes me feel very lonely.

He said nothing in response.

Some time later my old lady came downstairs. We had some chit-chat about the newspapers then we discussed what to have for breakfast. As I was leaving the room, my old lady called after and said: “I shall miss you!”

“Thank you for saying that!” I responded and tears started to run down on my face.

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The Season of Lent

Lent in 2017 begins on Wednesday, March 1 and ends on Thursday, April 13

Today we are starting the season of Lent. Lent is a season for ‘giving up’ something. Have you ever considered what for?
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'” Matthew 4:1-4 Source

I was wondering what to give up and what to embrace during the season of Lent. During Lent, most people give up something they particularly like but consider it ‘bad’ with some reason. The time of Lent is not particularly about making us crave something that we deny ourselves to have. This is the time is to let go of something that does not serve us anymore and to embrace something that does.

As we read into the lines saying “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'”, we can see that Jesus is letting go of the material food and embracing the spiritual one.

So, what is it going to be for you? Can you think of a habit of yours that does not seem to do much good to your life any more? Without judging it, just observe its workings and decide to release it with loving thoughts. What is it going to be?  As we free up space in our life God immediately fills it up with something new. So, what would you like it to be? What would you like to embrace in place of the one you are letting go of?

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1 Corinthians 13:12

I have contemplated a lot on this verse over the years. I still am. I have always loved it. I read it at my Grandmother’s funeral. I did not understand it then. I saw through a glass, darkly, then. Now that I know myself more, I am aware of the meaning of this verse more. And I am still learning. I still only know in parts, but one day I shall know as I am known. The more I am in touch with who I am, the more I understand and live the Loving that resides inside of me. God’s Gift is the Knowing that is only available to us through our Living the Loving, Living who we are in Him. Our entire life is the discovery of His Loving within us.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. KJV




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Every single moment when life gets challenging or we are in reaction to a situation what is actually happening is Life asking us to let go of something that does not serve us anymore. How about that? IK



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Man in the mirror <3

I’m gonna make a change, for once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right…
As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin’ my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer’s disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man’s soul
They follow each other on the wind ya’ know
’Cause they got nowhere to go
That’s why I want you to know
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
(Take a look at yourself, and then make a change)
(Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)
I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It’s time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel
to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they’re
not alone?
A willow deeply scarred, somebody’s broken heart
And a washed-out dream
(Washed-out dream)
They follow the pattern on the wind, ya’ see
’Cause they got no place to be
That’s why I’m starting with me
(Starting with me!)
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself and then make a change
(Take a look at yourself and then make a change)
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
(Change his ways – ooh!)
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself and then make that…
(Take a look at yourself and then make that…)

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The Wicked

At the beginning of January we started a journey, the journey of the Season of Epiphany where are being revealed to ourselves. We ask and we are shown who we truly are.

As we learn about different aspects of ourselves we are given the opportunity to love and embrace all these parts. As we allow the unloved parts to come out to play again and by accepting ourselves as we are, we heal.

The part of ourselves we hate or shun tends to draw attention to itself by acting out and causing trouble and become the wicked. Often, in response to our ‘unjust’ treatment this part of our personality becomes a nuisance, it becomes a constant bother in some way or another.

But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8

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Control vs. Faith in grace

Control vs. faith in grace

” … But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved — … For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ….” Ephesians 2:1–22 – By Grace Through Faith (extracts)

I was watching a film the other day, in which there was a young boy of about 10. He was mowing the lawn, one day. His father came to the garden checking on him. He noticed a patch of grass not having been cut and said to his son: Son, you have left this bit out. Let me show you how to do it right!” The boy looked up sadly and nodded in agreement. A few minutes later, the boy was putting his model airplane together in the basement. His father showed up angrily complaining about the smell of glue in the house. “You are using too much glue, son! Look! Let me show you how to do it right!” The boy stood up and as his father set down at the table the boy left the basement silently.

When we try and control the outcome of a situation, we disempower all involved and prevent God’s generous gifts to be revealed to us all.

So, why do we try and control life?

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What is surrender?
In the dictionary, the meaning of surrender is to give up. This meaning can be misleading.

We all usually go about life trying to control what should or should not happen to us, what we should or should not feel and often extend it to our loved ones – what they should or should not do, experience, feel, etc.

Can we get to a point where we are OK with all there is; giving up our notions, preconceived ideas of how life should be and surrender to what is?

When we surrender to Life, we give up control over what should or should not happen. We become present. Instead of thinking about how to outsmart Life, we can have what we truly want: to be aligned with ALL.

At that moment we make ourselves available both to Self and God.

As we develop the observer status ( we talked about how to reach the observer status last week, please check HERE), we can have a look at our disturbances, discomforts, judgments without acting upon them.
In surrendering we make ourselves available to God who talks to us:

“I praise you, LORD,
for being my guide.
Even in the darkest night,
your teachings fill my mind.
8 I will always look to you,
as you stand beside me
and protect me from fear.”
Palm 16:5-8

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Miss sassy

As I was dusting off those long forgotten parts of me, I discovered my little hidden treasures. I realized that it is not only that I am passionate about drawing and cartoons but I am one of them! I am actually full of cartoon figures!

As I was recalling that sweet, cheeky blond girl of about 3 who drew noses and lips to each armchairs in the house because they looked like unfinished faces to her, I realized that I am that sassy and creative fairy called Tinker Bell. This bold, lively and full of spirit girl is still very much alive in me, except, she is not allowed to play any more.

She was told off and shamed so many times for her silly ideas over the years that one day she decided to move to another place – Neverland, maybe? – and not to be seen any more. Soon, she got forgotten, the creativity dried up, the cheeky new ideas turned into harsh criticism. This sweet, sassy, blond child became an angry and unleashed teenager then a bitter adult.

Her curious energy became a source of destruction and her boldness turned into some scary and vindictive bulldozer.

How could I forget about her?

I am reclaiming her now by asking her forgiveness. I also release all those from my anger spell who a long time ago taught me that acting harum-scarum, giddy, quirky, impulsive, capricious, or bemused was shameful. I forgive myself for having judged and hurt myself for decades because of my ignorance and immaturity. I forgive myself for having believed that who I was/I am is in any way not of God and so imperfect.

I restore Tinker Bell as part of my beautiful Self.

Welcome Home, babe!


tinker-bellPicture source – Disney 


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The season of Epiphany – an invitation

Epiphany (Greek: επιφάνεια, “the appearance; miraculous phenomenon”) is a Christian feast intended to celebrate the ‘shining forth’ or revelation of God to mankind in human form, in the person of Jesus. The observance had its origins in the eastern Christian churches, and included the birth of Jesus; the visit of the three Magi, or Wise Men (Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar) who arrived in Bethlehem; and all of Jesus’ childhood events, up to his baptism in the Jordan by John the Baptist. The feast was initially based on, and viewed as a fulfillment of, the Jewish Feast of Lights. This was fixed on January 6.

This is also the day of the year that we celebrate the Incarnation of God into the person of Jesus Christ. We have gone through to get to the light of Epiphany. January 6, the last day of Christmas or the “12th Days of Christmas”

The Season after the Epiphany extends through 28 February 2017, which is the day before Lent begins. The Season of Epiphany begins on the Epiphany, 6 January, and ends on the Sunday before Ash Wednesday. This season varies in length, depending on the date of Easter Day. Its climax of the season is the Transfiguration on the last Sunday after the Epiphany.

Please read the verses below as the beginning and the end of the Season. So, we can walk together with Christ in this season of transformation.

Epiphany – Matthew 3:13-17
“As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of Goddescending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

The Transfiguration – Matthew 17:1-13
“After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus.

“While he was still speaking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!”

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On meditation

“If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37)

With reference to “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” Beas mentions the Nectar and the cup that could hold the Nectar if turned upright. According to the teachings, we can only receive the Nectar or the Living Water –amongst many names – when our cups are turned upright. In order to turn the cup upright we need to withdraw our consciousness to the eye centre during meditation then turn our attention inward and upward. As soon as we do that we find the Grail that has never really been lost and start experiencing the flow of the spring that never dies out pouring into our vessel; and so we never thirst again.

Image result for holy grail


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“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”
Corinthians 13: 1-2, 12

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Amazing Grace

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Harmony and unison


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LAF workbook exercises

Through meditation, journaling and LAF, you will begin to open to the Loving that is inside of you; the fears and judgments will slip away and you will begin to live, more and more, the Loving that you truly are.

The following is a breakdown of applying LAF:
Diagnosis ~ Protection + Fear = Separation
Prescription ~ Loving + Acceptance + Forgiveness (LAF)
Applying LAF on a daily basis = Spiritual Healing and Freedom!

Journaling can be a great support to you and your focus on Spirit. By writing down your awarenesses and experiences that you receive in meditation, you will be creating an intention and focus for living the Loving in your daily life.

Applying LAF (Loving, Accepting, Forgiving) supports you in bringing your thoughts and feelings, your actions and reactions, into the Loving so that nothing separates you from God. There are many ways to approach LAF.

Source and more info:

In ILM, we focus on one simple meditation, and that meditation has one single purpose: to awaken to the divine that we are by going within to have our own direct personal experience. Meditation is being in communion with God; it is simply loving God … and allowing God to love you.


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Mary did you know?

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“Mary Did You Know”
(originally by Mark Lowry (lyrics) and Buddy Greene (melody))

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you’re holding is the great “I am”


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Walk in or without God

Faith Without Works Is Dead
“What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. 19 You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder! 20 Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless? 21 Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up his son Isaac on the altar?  You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works;  and the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”—and he was called a friend of God. You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone.  And in the same way was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way?  For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.” James 2:14–26

The above is part of a talk that was held on 18 December 2016 @ Brigade of Light Church, Fort Wayne, Indiana – original source

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Experiencing God’s Loving

You’ve got to go in and find the Love of your own soul and merge into that Loving of your own soul. Then open and allow God’s Loving in so that you and God experience the union, the Loving once again, the continual movement of Loving, the giving and receiving all the time, as best you can.

Full Excerpt~

One of the major forms of abandonment that we have to deal with is at the spiritual level because a soul who has come into this creation and then begins to experience what this creation has to offer, begins to experience abandonment. This is because one of the major lessons that we come here to learn is about separation; and we are really separated from God down here. We feel separated. We do not feel One. We do not feel His Presence. We feel alone, and lost, and abandoned; and we have to go in and find a way to connect with God even while we’re in this place of separation. We have to go in and forgive God for abandoning us, forgive ourselves for thinking that God has abandoned us, and find a way to connect inside to the knowing that God is right here (at the seat of the soul) with us, even in this place of separation.

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Letting go and accepting

I have been pushing this for a long time. I have been trying to make FW my home. I have gone extensive length with zero result. ‘It is obvious now that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I pretended you were the one and I will make you perfect for me. So, it did not happen. It could not have.’

I so hoped that I will receive regular guidance but so many weird things happened then I just felt left with some substitute guidance options that were OK but lacked the one element that I find most essential for me, being interactive.

So, I am to let go of my illusions, my dream to belong to an earthly community that embraces me and supports me, that I can embrace and support in the physical. It is just not set up that way.

Oh, I understand that I am to have an inner relationship and inner so-called communion with God that cannot be replaced or substituted by any community or earthly relationships. That was not the plan, anyway.

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Note to self

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” ― C.G. Jung

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Assignment No.I – Conclusion


On a practical note I wish to mention that reading St. John is inconclusive because the book Light on St. John did not follow all the chapters of the original text from the Bible all the way through. Beas’s notes on Jesus’ teachings stops with Chapter 17. Chapter 18 – 21 is not worked on by Beas, I suspect, because most of these chapters are the chronicles of events of Jesus’ capture and crucifixion.

On a personal note, as I am reading his book, I notice that I am actually reading the teachings a disciple and a minister ‘should’ live by. And as I am reading them I am also integrating them. In some cases, what I was reading made sense of the experiences I was having at the time. In some cases, the text in Bear’s book clarified the meaning of some inner experiences I was having.

It is such a pleasure for me to experience the power of the Teachings and how magically they are offered. They are always somehow organised in a way that the disciple can easily receive the guidance they need at the time in order to advance using the very faculties she/he is blessed with.

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 17

Chapter 17

In this Chapter Jesus talks to God asking Him to take care of his disciples after he is gone. He is praying that God would glorify him aka taking him back to Him and glorify his disciples, too.

As Beas explains “only a certain number of souls that are designated to be redeemed by a particular master are allotted to him by the Father. To those he gives eternal life. That eternal life is to know the Father and to merge back in Him through His Son, the living Master, who at that time was Jesus Christ.”

“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.”

”I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.”

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 16

Chapter 16

In this chapter Jesus continues on explaining what is happening after his departure with the disciples.

“They shall put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service.
And these things will they do unto you, because they have not known the Father, nor me.”

Regarding the above, Beas reminds us that even though those who follow the Path and the teachings may be prosecuted, “but they can kill the body only; they can never harm our soul. … People do these things in ignorance, because they are misguided.”

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 15

Chapter 15

This chapter continues on from the previous chapter. In this chapter Jesus clearly states what the commandment is, what it is that he asks of his disciples. He also clarifies the meaning of discipleship. He also warns the disciples about the threats they may need to face for they are his followers. But he also reminds the disciples that if they follow the Word it will take them home to the Father. Jesus’ message seems very clear in this chapter, he uses much less ‘rhetoric’s’ than in previous chapters. He seems to talk to people who surely understand his message.

“Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.”

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One Path

In the light of recent events in the world, I was delighted to read this passage by Beas,
“It is simple logic that if the Lord is one and He is within every on of us and if we have to seek Him within our body, then the path leading to our destination, to our home, cannot be two. It must be one. So it is impossible even to think that there can be one path leading to the Lord’s house for Christians, another for Hindus, another for Sikhs, and still another for Muslims. There may be a difference in our interpretation or in our understanding, but there cannot be two paths leading to His house. If we seek Him within, we all will find the same path, and that is of Sound and Light. But if we search for Him outside, then everybody has his own path, then it is impossible to come together. It is a spiritual basis that we can dome together and be near to each other. … the nearer we are to the Lord, the nearer we are to one another. “
Light on Saint John by Radha Soami Satsang Beas


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Assignment No.I – Chapter 14

Chapter 14

In this chapter Jesus affirms his soon departure and reunification with the Father. He is consoling his disciples and reassuring them that they will not be alone after his death, he talks about his successor and the importance of being attached to the Holy Ghost that he calls the Comforter, and that he, himself, will lead his disciples back home to a room of his Father’s house.

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.”

It was interesting for me to read Beas explanation of what Jesus is sharing here with his disciples. I was not aware of these messages before. “There are many spiritual stages on the way, right from the eye centre up to the end of the journey. We have to go through many stages, or “mansions”, and everyone gets a place in them according to his spiritual attainment. How far he (a disciple) can go depends upon his own spiritual progress; … continues to make progress from there onward until he finally merges into the Father.”

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 13

Chapter 13

In this chapter Jesus reminds his disciples of the one commandment he has shared with them: to love one another as he loved them. He also shares about his soon departure and his successor who would take care of them. He is talking in particular to those who cannot yet follow him or meet him on the inner planes.

As Beas explains it “washing of the feet is a symbol of humility and meekness.” By washing the feet of each disciple Jesus shows humility and equality. At the same time he asks his disciples to help each other on the path. Beas says that “all the initiates belong equally to the fold of the one good shepherd and should be kind, understanding and helpful to one another in the time of need. … Jesus simply means helping others to stand on their feet, encouraging them by our own example to make the effort, for each one must make his own effort on the path.”

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The beauty of letting go


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Assignment No.I – Chapter 12

Chapter 12

This chapter talks about Jesus attending the Passover feast. This chapter is also a beautiful collection of Jesus messages about what his mission is by being amongst the Jews; his relationship with the Father; how to attain everlasting life; the fact that he is not here to judge but to be the guiding light; and the fact that he is the Light of the world (the guide) only until he is in the physical, after that he can only guide those who he has initiated in the physical.

“Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.
Then saith one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, which should betray him,
Why was not this ointment sold for three hundred pence, and given to the poor?”
“If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.”

This part very clearly speaks to me of the difference between service given out of pure devotion and service provided as a good deed. I often see in the world that we wish to please God and we try to show our devotion by offering so-called good deeds in the world such as feeding the poor, helping our fellows or similar. These acts often stem from fear (of losing God’s love or else) rather than pure love and true devotion. Mary’s act of kindness towards Jesus – and later Jesus’ response – shows her care towards the one her salvation depends upon. Mary’s act of kindness displayed her endless devotion to her saviour whereas Judas speaks in terms of service in the world which tends to be about ’saving the world and its suffering inhabitants’. However, it is a misconception. The world does not need saving or changing. Every single person lives a life in the World that he/she attracts to him/herself. Whether they do that knowingly or unknowingly depends on their level of self-awareness. We all lead a life that serves our soul the best to find the way home, whether it is apparent to others or not. Therefore, nobody needs to be saved by another. Obviously, it does not mean that we should be ruthless or heartless towards the less fortunate or those in need. However, our primary focus should be on saving ourselves by following divine guidance. Then we can learn to expand our kindness to others, too.

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For Fun!

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 11

Chapter 11

This chapter is about the resurrection of Lazarus and the decision of the Pharisees that they would capture Jesus and put him to death.

As I was reading this chapter I found it very hard to believe that one was made risen from the dead, particularly after having been dead for four days. However, I was touched to read examples of the power of faith and devotion here.

From a spiritual point of view this is a touching story of undivided faith and receiving God’s mercy or pardon. In my understanding Lazarus upon his resurrection received pardon for his ‘sins’ or karmas. He became free. Jesus, the living teacher of the time, the anchor of the Holy Spirit, asked God to forgive Lazarus’ sins so he can become free and living again. As Jesus says ”Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.”

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 10

Chapter 10

This chapter is about how a disciple can recognise the true and ‘good’ Shepherd. It describes the Shepherd’s responsibilities in the disciples’ development on the path.

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber. But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out. And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.”

Here, to my understanding, Jesus describes the only way to enter our inner house, through the third eye, called the door. He says that there is no other way but through the inner ‘door’. According to “Beas “the thieves and robbers are the false prophets and those who mislead people by preaching that salvation can be obtained through dogmas, rituals, and other outward practices.” Jesus also describes the process of entering into the inner realms by knocking on the door where the Master awaits us and leads us upwards.

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 9

Chapter 9

This chapter is about Jesus’ encounter with the blind man. The parable in this chapter is about seeing clearly in God and being blind in the world.

“Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. “

Upon reading this sentence, I remembered how often we complain about different circumstances and dispositions in or lives without noticing the relevance of the condition to our development. Jesus says that the man was not blind so to be punished for his sins but so God could manifest miracles through him. His condition is a blessing that God bestowed upon him so he can be of service to His works.

“ As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
“Then they reviled him, and said, Thou art his disciple; but we are Moses’ disciples.
We know that God spake unto Moses: as for this fellow, we know not from whence he is.”

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Needs and being in service

This morning I had a thought about needs. I came to the conclusion that I put others’ needs before mines are met because I don’t think that I can meet mine (the reason behind it is different for all of us: feeling undeserving or incapable, etc.). So, by meetings others’ needs and helping them I build up an expectation that my needs should be met by them. The bottom line is that we are actually rather selfish when we meet others’ needs because our motives are not altruistic, we simply want our needs to be met.

These needs are often emotional needs. We need to feel in a certain way and so in response to doing these things for them, we receive e.g. their appreciation, a feeling of being useful, kind or special, also others’ positive feedback on our ‘help’ can make us feel strong, capable, knowledgeable, being in service, etc. And sometimes it is financial.

At the moment, I am taking care of an old lady. Though it looks like service big time, it is just not. Though I am doing my best to meet her needs – that is what I am here for – the reason behind it is simply making money. I often support others by giving them a lot of my time so they can talk about their issues. I often do not do that out of the kindness of my heart. I make myself available to them, so I will have some friends left, so I can feel important, wise, knowledgeable, etc.

Later, I started to think about service, the highest form of support, to my understanding. During my times with Insight and Essence Seminars, I often experienced myself being in service. I believe that being in service (giving unconditionally) is never about needs. Being in service means just being available. When one is truly available it is impossible to experience exhaustion or not having one’s needs met. Being in service encompasses both parties, the giver and the receiver at the same time. During the process of service, the lines get blurred between who is giving and who is receiving. The two becomes one.

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I feel depleted, resourceless and empty. I have nothing to offer. I hang on to this extremely unhealthy environment trying to fix it, organize it, hold it together. Helplessly.

I have completely forgotten about myself. I am surrounded with needy people who does not know how to nurture or take care of themselves.

In my dreams at night, I am constantly trying to fix people in some way or another, trying to sort their lives out, so I can finally live mine. Instead, I keep on recreating my unhealthy family with the help of various people I end up living with. I never got married or had a family because I hoped to avoid making the mistakes I grew up with. I started running away from the madness early on but I arrived to more madness and delicacy eventually. I found myself living with drug addicts, a dementia patient, a recovering alcoholic, a manic depressive, a grieving daughter and a dying cat amongst many.

Each situation forced me to adopt the carer and the sane role. I was the one who had to stand two feet on the ground so to manage and stay alive. My needs were never on the table. There was no time, no energy or any interest in them. Neither could I reinforce them since my companions were mostly so troubled that they could hardly recognize their own neediness.

I grew up with a sense of confidence that I can handle it all. And life has thrown many curved balls at me that did prove my case. So, I became strong and emotionless. Practically, an iceberg.

As I am sitting here looking around and I see not change. I am once again the mother of 4 raging children. Each one of them is deeply wounded and in need of a lot of attention and support. I feel for them. Unfortunately, I am in no possession of anything that they need. The only thing I can offer is a loud and angry woman who time to time reprimands them and those who threaten them. Then I crawl back into my shell licking my own unattended wounds.

While I reinsure their confidence and abilities I lose mine. In return they are defiant. They fight for their freedom. I am exhausted and just want to run. Run away. But I only run into another unhealthy ‘family’ structure that will support me to stay a carer, stay unattended, stay angry and eventually want to flee …

I wonder if it makes any difference? I wonder if all my efforts are in vain or maybe used efficiently. Nevertheless, it is a sacrifice on my behalf. My teacher, once, implied that it was time that I took care of myself instead of chaperoning others.

Still, I must recognize that this is my personal story of the unforgiven prodigal son. Others are mere players acting according to their own scripts. I can, in every minute, decide if I continue with the play or say a tearful good-bye and move onto greener pastures.

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Being heard and needs met

I am shaking with fear, frustration, anger and a sense of helplessness. How loud will I need to be this time so to be heard? As if I was an invisible water bubble hanging from the ceiling, nobody notices my existence. Nobody cares.

Trouble or inspiration?

I want no trouble. I just want to be heard. I want you to understand that what you are doing is freaking me out and I want you to stop doing it. It is not that I want you to feel reprimanded but I want you to have compassion for me. Please care about me, too!

But you can’t do that, can you?

You have no compassion for yourself. You have never looked at yourself as a human being either, how could you look at me and see me in my bare humanity.

I scream with terror. You are upset in your desperation. You never ask for but take what you need; and I try to stop you when you are ripping me off of my basics. You believe you have the right to steal because you have been robbed, you are only taking revenge. But you are mistaken. You have only yourself to cheat.

In the meantime, I remember a childhood that left me with scars of distrust and a strong sense of conviction that “nobody cares, so I’d better care for myself”. I put on my boxing gloves and start fighting my shadows.

She is only trouble. She fights all the time!

The inspiration that could grow out of the broken roots requires much more light to heal and develop.

I am still a troubled anger-ball hiding in my cocoon and waiting for my metamorphosis to start.

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Love Is a Fire, Vol.2

Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home

My intention with reading this book is to gain a deeper understanding of the Sufi tradition, its teachings, some of the Sufi Mystics, and practices in order to support my own development in immersing myself into God.

I found that not only the book allows me to study Sufism but it also support me in various personal discoveries so, I created various writings along the reading process.

These are rather self-reflection type of writings. I, nevertheless, included them in my study works because they reflect stages of my development as I am taking the ministerial study course.

July 7, 2016


I am reading Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee. So, Love is supposed to be a fiery love affair.

Well, I don’t believe in “the artful postures of Love”. I do not see or experience anything around me that I would consider Love or Loving. I see people pose in the “artful postures of Love” as they act charitable and supportive towards others, as they devote themselves to a God or a Deity or as they hold onto the hands of their partners with starts in their eyes. None of it has anything to do with Love.

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Awakening Is a Destructive Process by Greg Calise

Make no bones about it, awakening is not a walk in the park. It is a ride through hell. It is the tearing down of all of your cherished beliefs and everything you thought about yourself. There is no way around this. In The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, they had to enter into the Mirkwood Forest to get to their destination. There was no other way for them. It was not a walk in the park. Likewise, we must enter the shadowlands, and come face to face with our shadows. It is there that our false ideas of who we are are shattered. It is there that all of our false beliefs are destroyed. We must face these false notions and see them for what they are. This is the only way to heal, to become whole again, to live in integrity.

Full article by Greg Calise at Riverbank of Truth

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Georges Bataille

“The truth is paradoxical to the extent of being exactly contrary to the usual perception.” – Georges Bataille

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“As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.”
– Eckhart Tolle

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da Vinci

“I awoke, only to find the rest of the world still sleeping.”
– Leonardo daVinci

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You must die to live – an article


Awakening is not a walk in the park. It is a ride through hell. It is the tearing down of all of your cherished beliefs and everything you thought about yourself. There is no way around this. We must come face to face with our shadows. It is there that our false ideas of who we are are shattered. It is there that all of our false beliefs are destroyed. We must face these false notions and see them for what they are. This is the only way to heal, to become whole again, to live in integrity.

It is a complete surrender, a process of brutal self honesty. It is a path of complete acceptance of the truth, no matter how difficult it is to bear. We go through life with so many false notions – of the world, of spirituality and of ourselves. We build up masks and we believe the facades. It’s all a charade. It is all based upon illusions and deceit. We deceive ourselves at every moment, and the world also deceives us at every moment.

To awaken to the truth that you seek, you must tear down the lies. But we are too attached to the lies. We want to hold on to the illusions and to become enlightened at the same time. That is not possible.

It takes a certain individual to break free of the herd. The Siddhartha road is not easy. It is a treacherous road that will shatter every part of your existence. No, it takes a certain type of person to walk that road; a person that is willing to give up everything to find his true Self.

As Eckhart Tolle has stated, you don’t have to wait for the dark night of the soul to dismantle your false notions, your false self, your life story. You can consciously take that road. But it demands courage, discernment, and a brutal honesty of yourself. The mind is a very tricky opponent, and will deceive you at every step, as your awakening is the end of its control over you. But it can be done. Nisargadatta Maharaj did it. You must simply allow Grace to act within you.


It is a road of destruction and the question is, “How much are you willing to give up? How much can you endure?” Because on this road, you must give up everything. Every piece of you will shatter. Can you endure that? As the great Bhaktivinode Thakur has written, “You must die to live.” So how serious are you? How much do you want it? How much will you pay for it?

source + photo

Full article by Greg Calise here at Riverbank of Truth

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“Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.”
― Adyashanti


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Assignment No.I – Chapter 8

Chapter 8

This chapter is about Jesus’s argument with the Jews. All through this chapter Jesus tries to convince the Jews that he is of Abraham and the other prophets but they don’t seem to understand him.

As I was reading this chapter, I wondered why he entered into an argument with the Jews at all whom, obviously, had no idea who he was and what he represented. He keeps on repeating why he is here amongst them and talking about his relationship with the Father. However, many of the Jews do not seem to understand him.

At the same time, this Chapter provided me with further information on Jesus’s character, convictions, and the way he communicated them. Though, he mostly uses parables to make his followers understand his message when it comesto talking about himself (his mission) and his relationship with the father, he is very matter of fact and uses similar expressions to describe it.

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Love Is a Fire, Vol.1

Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home

My intention with reading this book is to gain a deeper understanding of the Sufi tradition, its teachings, some of the Sufi Mystics, and practices in order to support my own development in immersing myself into God.

I found that not only the book allows me to study Sufism but it also support me in various personal discoveries so, I created various writings along the reading process.

These are rather self-reflection type of writings. I, nevertheless, included them in my study works because they reflect stages of my development as I am taking the ministerial study course.

24-30 June, 2016

The weirdo

“Often on the path we feel the pain of this ‘aloneness’. Even in the company of fellow wayfarers we experience a quality of solitariness that is deeper than loneliness because it does not belong to the personality or the ego. As we travel a path that takes us away from the comfort of the collective and its patterns of codependency, we feel the ‘aloneness’ of the soul. …
…. We are an outcast from the collective patterns that offer a sense of security and belonging to so many.
… The poet E. E. Cummings describes the strange wonder of this transition, and how we find a deeper connection to a love that is beyond ourself and yet is our own essence:
losing through you what seemed myself, I find
selves unimaginably mine; beyond
sorrow’s own joys and hoping’s very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit’s born:
yours is the darkness of my soul’s return
—you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”

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Common Sense

Joe Miller said that there are four qualities necessary for spiritual life. The first is common sense, the second is common sense, the third is sense of humor. When he was asked what is the fourth quality, he replied laughing, “Even more common sense!”

Love is a fire/Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee (extract)

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21 06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

As I was walking home from walking :) and was watching the waves licking the stone shore soft, I realized that though I am at the wrong place again with some unknown reason, I am still at the best possible place I could be.

This place makes me want to do better, mostly look better. I do not know if it only because it is always summer here and you must dress down quite a bit so not to sweat like a pig all the time, or it is only because the sun shines so brightly all day long that it blinds my negative self-image. I look into the mirror and I am mortified. How is it possible? How could I let it happen? What has happened to me? Have I gone mad? I have always been the clever one not the pretty one, but this kind of ‘unprettiness’ is unnerving!

I basically feel like a boar without the hair bits.

So, when the sun shines, I suddenly feel inclined to do something about my ‘boarness’ hoping that I can (eventually) start looking like me again.

I often wonder why I need this beastly outlook, who I want to scare really, because I am pretty sure I am scaring no one but myself here.

So, the place. The place is sunny and hot. The place is dirty, smelly and rather rundown.  People in place are rather OK. Even though most people are here to make money so to pay the mortgage back home, or it is a greedy native, still, interestingly, everybody gets along pretty well. No nastiness, almost, at all.

Maybe it is because of the heat. Nobody has the extra energy to fight or to argue. They swish their hands in disagreement and walk away. Otherwise, everybody is constantly in search for some shade! :)

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A helpless creature

A helpless creature at the mercy of the universe. That is the result of a decade of contemplation. Fabulous! Apparently the journey is about self-discovery – with a slight twist, obviously. Self-discovery actually means that you eventually meet a monster inside of yourself, some so-called shadow figure who turns out to be the creator of all your misery.

Interestingly this inner monster can take up various personalities partly because it wants to trick you into believing in something ‘else’ about yourself, partly because it does not actually want to be found out. This monster-creature-child is the result of our childhood sufferings and confusion, all that we were forced to face but could never manage or overcome.

This creature is always accompanied with a counterpart. This figure, a persona, is the defender of the monster-child who is often badly damaged, too.

Not showing signs of mental illness or psychological disturbances do not mean that one lacks these shadow figures.

In my case, the defender has always been very visible and audible. My personal defender is a giant lion with a deadly roar. You always know that I am defending myself because I am very angry and you feel threatened or simply uncomfortable in my presence. Though I am not actually angry with you I send such tremors into my environment that they make the air freeze momentarily.

When I am angry I feel under siege in some way and I feel too small to cope. I feel helpless in the face of some abusive force.

It is easy to guess, now, that my monster child is a helpless creature, a victim girl. I learnt early on that I have no say in my life. As a response I created a defender in the form of an anger ball who apart from protecting me creates situations where she proves her overpowering competence in basically everything.

We all have a means of transport, a vehicle that carries or a channel that provides outlet for our ego structure.

I show my competency in the matters of the creative mind. I consider most human beings stupid compared to my own abilities.

The sad thing is that this kind of superiority is purely self-fulfilling. It bears no fruit. I may be considered intelligent and exceptionally creative by some and have done some great deeds but I have never found true satisfaction in any of my endeavours. I have not found my niche that would love me back and would provide me with gratification and abundance.

No wonder. The ego trip only allows enough space for proving itself with momentary satisfaction then it must move onto the next endeavour without delay.

My defender endlessly demonstrates her superiority and feels utterly frustrated all the time with the ignorance and lazy helplessness of the world. She can’t rest and can only feel safe as long as there is an unbeatable mountain ahead where she can affirm her exceptional abilities in creative problem solving.

We are basically the monster of the sum of our fears.


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Fear and helplessness

Fear has a strange effect on people.

As we all very well know, fear stems from our sense of separation, a sense of loneliness, desertedness or godlessness. We feel utterly vulnerably in an unpredictable and cruel world that only there to destroy us. Nobody is without fear, we just name our fears differently and manage them individually.

There are so many various ways that I won’t even attempt to name them. When we become aware of ourselves beyond our daily thoughts, feeling and our bodies and start seeing a fragment of the greater picture, we can start pinpointing the structure in which our ‘fear management’ spreads out.

In my family ‘fear management’ ran under two exciting disguises: ‘lunacy’ and ‘addiction’. Becoming senseless caused by mental disturbance or substance abuse or both, allowed us to take ourselves completely out of the present moment that obviously looked unmanageable.

We all have an individualized version of lunacy and substance abuse. My father is an alcoholic, my brother is a game addict. My mother seems the most ‘healthy’ of us all by slowly developing dimension.

I have become a control freak, addicted to dangerous and hardly survivable situations that can only be solved by a high level of intelligence and adaptiveness that I strive on. I cannot stand still. I am incapable of the lowest level of commitment that hints an element of control that maybe imposed on me.

Controlled by love. That is how I have felt all my life. It was always implied that all terror I had to suffer was for my own betterment and came from a sense of love for me.

I grew up with immense amount of abuse in the form of having my power taken away. I was in some kind of detention all the time without a capable parent sticking up for me. Life demonstrated day after day how helpless I actually was and I had no say in it at all.

As a teen, I connately contemplated suicide so to regain at least some control over my life. That was the worst of times because by then I had become a solid rock, unbeatable, uncontrollable; an anger ball.

So, in my competent lunacy, the key behaviour is that of my mother’s. When I was younger, I wholly believed that my father’s alcoholism and emotional brutality was the key to my and my sibling’s developmental defects. However, recently, I have realized that in my case – and probable that of my brother’s – my mum is the ‘bad apple’. All her life she has displayed a strong sense of helplessness and victimhood. Apparently, she has lived a life of a victim suffering our father’s mental instability and substance abuse.

And so, now I see how much I perceive my life as a series of odd occurrences that require me to constantly fight for my very existence and at the same time helplessly flounder in it.

Though I have displayed powerfulness and competence all my adult life, deep inside of me, I have never thought much of myself. I learnt early on, that I have no say in things that matter in my life so I have spent most of my life proving to be powerful and capable, not noticing that, all along, the story was a product of my imagination.

In my loony story, the little fearful girl needing to be cared for inside of me made me force myself appearing all powerful and intimidating.

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The helpless competent

It is a rather sad existence when you lose your illusions of who you think you are. Particularly when you think that you are some hot-shot almighty.

A Self running on the fuel of a sense of helplessness and defencelessness crave nothing but daily proof that validates its inherent and exceptional ability to control fate and manage life.

The sad part is that none of it is actually true. When you display too much of something you know that it cannot stem from the True (inner) Self because the True self is quiet, like a smooth criminal swishes undetectably amongst the matters of life.

I always thought that I was one of the most capable and principled persons ever lived, like William Wallace, endurable by fate.

Like most 8s (Enneagram) I grew up with a sense of loss. A loss of childhood and innocence. Since there was not a caretaker around as I was growing up, I became my own person at a tender age of 7.

All my life, I have focused on one thing, to show the world that I can survive the worst, I can stand up for myself, again and again, that nobody can touch me or control me, I would shake of any attempt of taming.

What I did not understand, however, how it looked like or felt not to be controlled and what it was exactly that I have tried to defend myself against.

Through meditation and self-discovery I started to see myself more and more clearly. Instead of seeing this all around capable, hard-arse woman, I started to see this little girl constantly needing to prove herself to be capable of handling any old odds.

The very reason why I detest Hungary and the majority of Hungarian people is because of this suffocating feeling that we allow control outside of ourselves to overtake our life, we willingly give up any responsibility or the choice over our very existence and play the victim. Interestingly, it is a very Hungarian personality trait. You can find a segment of this trait in every Hungarian person. When you talk to one of ‘us’, you will soon hear stories about our defiance and how we have resisted foreign invasion and we fought the Tatars, the Turks, the Hapsburgs and eventually regained our liberty.

However, the fight has never stopped inside of us. Now Hungary is part of the European Union and we rebel against the EU as if it was some kind of an occupier, not noticing that we are only chasing our own tail. There is nobody to resist any more. Being a member state of the EU, we have a clear vote, we could now truly manage our destiny, if we could only realize that there is no more war to fight.

And this is my story. I keep on fighting wars that have been won already. I could as well be free.

Still, I only know of a hard life. I simply don’t understand the concept of relaxation or loosening up. In my world, I must always be at the top of my game and alert so to survive.

Only because I grow up without a sense of control over my own life, I devoted my whole life to one cause: to prove the world how immense and unquestionably capable I am in the face of arduous circumstances. And so I provided security to myself against intrusion and aggression.

At the same time, I have always been envious of those who could relax into the flow of life or someone else’s arms without the fear of being abused or taken advantage of. I am aware that what I hold true to myself is only mine, nobody has put it there for me. I am unlucky enough to have a whole nation sharing my sense of helplessness and display it vehemently.

So, here are I am, a servant of God, not believing in His Grace or kindness of any kind. I have been running around in circles within my own belief system, trying to flee and stop creating constant hardship and unbeatable situations for myself that actually bear no fruit.

I suffer it all, day after day, without a single result, without a single sense of satisfaction or joy.

You understand, don’t you? I must prove daily that I am capable, I am competet, I can deal with this, I can survive this, I can manage this without a glitch … I can …

Vector of a White Man in a Boat on a Sandy Hill, Left High and Dry

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I am reading Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee.  So, Love is supposed to be a fiery love affair.

Well, I don’t believe in “the artful postures of Love”.  I do not see or experience anything around me that I would consider Love or Loving. I see people pose in the “artful postures of Love” as they act charitable and supportive towards others, as they devote themselves to a God or a Deity or as they hold onto the hands of their partners with starts in their eyes. None of it has anything to do with Love.

I feel as if “Oh, I am fortune’s fool!” because I have tricked myself into seeking something I do not comprehend. This morning in my medi I shared that by now I have become convinced that this Path is not created for the likes of me. This path is for the blinded lovers, for those who can fathom the invisible and fill in the missing bits.

I cannot do that, I am way too matter of fact for that.  In my opinion, Love is but a curse. Under the disguise of Love, we desperately seek out someone or something who meets our needs, who keeps us safe, and ensures us that we are not ultimately desolate and bereft in this dark world.

Most of us desperately seeks a special someone, Price Charming or Cinderella, who will lift us out of our self-loathing abyss and will provide us with the Love that “overthrows empires and captures the hearts”. Suddenly, we do not feel gloomy and lonely anymore. In return for our unexpected fortune, however, we become selfless puppets serving the needs of the other. It is a deal and we must meet both ends of the bargain.

The misfortunate ones, who do not find the right chappie, will find a substitute and simply invent one in our imagination. For most devoted to a faith God is the all-encompassing Lover or Care-giver who patiently listens to our daily begging. And we, in exchange, faithfully believe that in some way or another our prayers are heard and we are delivered. When we are not actually given what we have particularly asked for we use our boundless imagination to fill in the gaps and explain our misfortunes still keeping God and his almightiness intact.

When I look at Love I see desperation. We desperately seek a way to feel worthy; when someone loves me, I must be worthy and loveable; when  God loves me, I must be worthy and loveable. Neither is correct, however, because both are only fictions of our imagination.

For me, Worthiness is the key to the Love described by Shakespeare so beautifully. It is the ultimate secret Grail that opens us to the chambers of treasures. The Love that we all so desperately seek is self-respect, deep care and embrace for the whole-Self at every single moment without fail. Worthiness is not the target but the bow that pierces through the veil of shadows. This is what Worthiness feels, sounds and looks like:

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.”

All quotes are from Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare and from Shakespeare in Love.

333 (+2) Self-embrace

Photo – Flick – 333 (+2) Self-embrace by century_boy_too

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5.06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Law of attraction – What I hate I attract. Here we go again!

This morning I was talking about the law of attraction or Murphy’s Law, we attract what we focus on the most. As evidence shows, I must focus most on everything I detest because I hardly have anything else in my life.

I feel unsafe with these people and despise them. Is that why I must live with them?

The funny thing is that, I am studying to be a minister, at least, I hope I still am. Ministers don’t seem to judge the herd, they are sympathetic, kind, embracing and forgiving to others.  I am neither. They provide guidance. I can hardly find my own way, not mentioning leading others.


So, like all of us in chains, I keep on recreating this ‘whatever it may be’ for myself. Let’s see how it works. I feel fed up and frustrated. I get restless. I want to move but I don’t want to do it alone so I drag someone along with whom I wish to co-support each other. However, with some strange reason, I always choose people to support me in return for my kind deeds for the – that they have never actually asked for – who can hardly support themselves, so I end up getting exhausted, frustrated and manic. They end up being upset with me and eventually run away.  This is one of the scenarios.

According to another scenario, I go alone but then I end up staying with someone, who is very needy in some way or another and so I end up either hiding from them or trying to fix them so I am safe.

It seems I always think I am in debt of some kind towards humanity as a whole and in order to get any support, guidance, love, etc. I constantly feel that I must offer them something.


I keep on wandering what this experience is reflecting back at me.

Facts: I am having a very hard time physically. It is extremely uncomfortable on many different levels. It is dirty and very noisy. People around me have very low self-esteem and high self-hatred therefore they self- abuse with various drugs especially cigarette that I am constantly exposed to. The environment is very different from what I consider nice. This place seems like a giant village with endless dirt roads, no public transport – what they have is a complete mess -, and a construction site with constant pneumatic drilling.

Facts: Psychologically it is also challenging because it is very chaotic and nothing is ever what it seems. There needs to be a lot of second guessing so to figure out what could be going on under the surface. This place is about money, and money only. It is cheap for those who want a holiday on the beach with tons of booze. And it can provide you with a stable income for a season if you are willing to put the work in.  Those who own the place are billionaires who cannot care less.

The boys have rather racist ideas about certain type of people and they are convinced that some of these people should be eradicated.

Facts: There are breath-taking beaches and giant villages with history and architecture. There are huge amount of people passing through this place year by year coming either as tourist, student, investors, seasonal workers, in-settlers, or a mixture of some of these.

So, which fact is going to win inside me???

CCF06052011_00040Photo copyright at Spirit’n Art

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3.06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

I have realized that in some way I am at fault. I am creating this mess around me. Not sure how though.

I keep on trying to create a so-called inter-supportive relationships where both our strength are maximized by combined efforts. However, it seems that my efforts seems like bugging the other person. Then, I also realize that the other person also bothers me because our relationship is not balanced. Eventually, instead of supporting and inter-caring for each other, we drive each other crazy. I somehow fantasize about some kind of maximized efforts that would eventually lead to success but I constantly find myself surrounded with people who cannot really support me because they can hardly support themselves.

At the moment I am living with two guys. One is a right wing racist and a woman-hater, the other is a young, self-centered stud who has never had to take responsibility for anything.

I am realizing, once again, what a horrible person I must be, just like my family suggests, a person who is incapable and unwilling to compromise and put up with others’ flaws and someone who’s uprightness, inflexibility and constant criticism drives others away.

Fabulous prospects.

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Remembering the teachings

Let Go, Let God

…Look for the purple light, be open to the feelings of peace, trust that inner knowing…It’s time you start really honouring that, and honouring yourself…that’s how you really do let go, and then that gives God the opportunity to now really Love you Home.

Source –


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Assignment No.I – Chapter 7

Chapter 7

This Chapter is about Jesus’s visit and preaching at the Feast of the Tabernacles in Galilee. Here he explains the difference between a true teacher, a God-sent mystic and a self-made one who only seeks his own glory. We learn that the true teacher is ‘stamped and sealed’ by God.

This Chapter for me is about Jesus’s struggle making himself know in a way that he is not captured and killed in the meantime. As I was reading this chapter, I felt as if he was manically going from one place to another defying death n order to seek out the marked ones among the rotten apples. He is preaching here and there in the face of ridicule and doubtfulness, but he keeps on teaching and searching.

With reference of the above Beas says: ”the Lord’s grace is always there, ready for us; we only to become receptive to it.” This sentence says so much because it feels to me that Jesus struggles amongst the ignorant because they do not know that he is carrying God’s Grace in himself ready to be received. “Now it is time for us to take advantage of the opportunity of receiving the grace of the Lord through the Word, …”

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 6

Chapter 6

This chapter explains the meaning of a teacher – who can be a teacher at a point in time – discusses discipleship, and offers thoughts on the deeper meaning of the teachings.

At the beginning of the chapter Jesus miraculously feeds about a 5000 people with bread and fish. Then he walks on water. As I was reading the passages I wondered what deeper meaning the miracles Jesus performed may bear. According to Beas Jesus did perform miracles but it was not the purpose of his coming into this world . When Jesus says “…, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled” , I presume what he is saying that when he earlier fed them with ‘bread and fish’ aka his teaching they felt filled with Love and experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit and so, now, they seek him and return for more.

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29.05. “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”


I am feeling rather worried. I tried but could hardly medi this morning. I was looking forward to our LAFing but nobody was available this morning to listen to my whining. Must be a sign … what do all the signs try and tell me? This morning I had this thought that I would never make it. I would never be free from it all, this gypsy madhouse that I lived my whole life in. I have been living the exact same way for decades. Even as a child I lived like a gypsy wondering amongst various apartments and household of family members and neighbours. I stayed with my grandma most of the time, but spend months with my aunt and cousin by the lake during summers, or was left with my aunt-once-removed for the weekend. None of them were really nourishing experiences. I do not remember nice experiences at all from my childhood after my grandfather’s death. I only remember discomfort and constant angst because of the mental and psychological instability that surrounded me.

So, I leant to protect myself from the madness by hiding all that is valuable about me from general public and share it only with a special few whom I learnt to trust. However, the receiving and the bestowing of my trust is rare and often takes a long time.


This morning I found a dream in my sleep. I was lying in bed with a man who very much resembled Alan Rickman. We were lying back to back to each other. Then I reached out and felt his muscular thighs. He turned to me, we smiled at each other and started making love. I noticed another female body next to us, she was asleep not noticing our encounter. Suddenly, I shifted in a way that seemed to have hurt him rather badly, he quickly withdrew from me hissing with pain. I said I was sorry and tried to comfort him, but he just made a face and said he was tired and went to sleep. A bit later I learned that he had been dying from cancer, hence the tiredness and impatience. By this time, though, he was already dead.


I am worried. It is like being in the Star War movie once again. Which of the two evil shall I choose? Should I stay or should I go? What are the advantages and disadvantages of each evil? None of them would be my preferred choice, but I have learned by now that Life does not care much about preferences. Life offers choices and you must choose one of the two or the many. There is no such state of non-choice. When you try and slip away without picking one, someone comes and makes the choices for you.I am not sure that it is any better. When I make mistakes, I prefer making them myself.


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One decision

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26.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

A Letter

Over all, it feels as if I am in some kind of a waiting again. I am rather relaxed about it all. I am not anxious, I simply don’t care much what happens. It is very uncomfortable but I strongly feel that I have nothing to do here but to support Dori to start regaining her strength, confidence and faith in herself, and standing on her feet. I miss the US, my friends, my life, my studies there but obviously I am not capable of creating a life over there with the that things that are meaningful to me.

In some way it is very sad for me to see, that I still cannot do anything for myself, so to lift myself out of these miserable patters I still run. I somehow cannot let go of something – honestly, I do not know what it is – I still find it challenging to do anything ‘only’ for myself, selfishly. Even though I am very aware what I am doing, and I have no one to blame for my life choices, it does not feel very nice to know that I am incapable of doing nice things for myself and create situations that are gentle and loving with me.

After all, I am kind of OK here in this situation; I have gained great insights into how I allow and attack abuse and mental instability into my life. So much fun! I realized that I am better at leaving these situations than before. It is nice to know that I recognize these situations quicker, however, I am also very aware how strongly I believe that my life should be of sacrifice and selflessness. I also realized that I don’t do any of this out of true service or loving giving because I want something very particular in return: being appreciated and rewarded with some comfort in return for my contributions, particularly for my intelligence and insights (not as if many people cares about them).

It is kind of ridiculous that I chose the worse surfaces for such conquests! I choose the neediest and most abusive people to demonstrate how tough I am and how much burden I can bear. It feels as if I am still punishing myself for something I don’t comprehend much of.

Luckily, I am not angry any more, sometimes, I am rather sad o see myself this way. Since we arrived to the island I have been very patient, sort of relaxed, rather kind and accepting. I am not too communicative or engaging but I never am, when I am with people whom I don’t understand. I notice when I am annoyed. I write about everything I experience so to be able to digest my experiences. It feels as if was in some kind of a daze, as if all these things weren’t actually happening to me at all; I was just following some ‘vision’ or something (can’t find a better word). I don’t push anything, I communicate when something does not work for me and see what happens. I know I can take myself out of this experience anytime I want to. I am also aware that I don’t want to leave Dori alone, not yet. It may not be healthy but this is the best I can do for the moment.

And, hey, maybe I am wrong about it all …

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24.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”


I am amazed to see how well I surround myself with abuse. Probably, the saddest thing is that it is set up in an invisible pattern of events, stimuli and responses. Nobody notices. Some completely ignore it, not even noticing the undercurrent of triggers.

I have checked but there is no way out of the deeply set patterns of button pushing. Probably the hardest things is to see what’s really happening beyond the surface and not being able to make a difference. The programming runs itself without much interference and no participants are aware of the puppet show that is triggered the deep seated strings being pulled.

I tried to stand still and breathe without doing anything. It makes no difference in the outcome because the physical action or the verbal response is only the tip of the iceberg. All real ‘action’ takes places deep inside our psyche, on a vibrational level. I may not do or say anything but my consciousness vibrates millions of messages to my environment.

No, it is not my responsibility to chance others’ responses to my vibrational state. However, it is my responsibility to try and clean my inner state to that degree where I am free from others’ pain and anguish. Cleaning is but letting go of who I am not any more.

Well, who am I not, then?

pic source

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Courage <3

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22.5 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

This morning

This morning during my meditation I felt a strong need for closeness, being held and embraced in kind arms. I just wanted to experience some safety in the mist of this confusion and aimlessness I am going through. Most people seemingly has the option to journey within and gain innumerable visual and audial experiences without moving an inch in the physical. Whereas, I seem to need to journey through my misery and anguish along with my body’s experiences.

This morning, I felt so dismal and exhausted that I decided to leave this experience. Part of me is completely confused: Why am I doing this? I have done this so many times. And I know how it ends:  I will end up back where I started again burned and humiliated after having walked a road that is paved only with anxiety, loss and abuse.

As I was emerging from my meditation, I started reviewing the past 46 years and I notice the elements of terror and abuse as a reoccurring theme. I wonder why I attract so many harsh experiences and why I still believe that I am the bad guy who must take all kinds of nonsense in order to be redeemed.

This morning, as leafed through the years, I also noticed that those who meant to love me and cared for me abused me the most, simply out of the kindness of their hearts! It is not their fault, though. It is nobody’s fault. It is life without Life. Fear in us makes us do horrible things to each other. All the people who I have so far stood by and made considerable sacrifices for did not see any value in me. Neither do I. They only saw me as a difficult but necessary drag that they sort of felt safe with. That is all I am, a problem-solving-safety-net. I am like Shrek, the scary kind hearted Ogre who is only required when times are rough and protection is a must.

This morning, it seemed, I had provided a sense of safety to others so they could heal and move on in their lives. Although, I am basically unsuited for the job since I cannot provide the very basic sense of safety for myself. It feels like payback time, as if I was to support all these souls though I am not sure it is my job, I just took it on because of some unapparent misunderstanding. With that and as a result of feeling an unworthy, scary ogre, I have allowed myself to be terrorised and punished for four decades now while I expected to feel safe in the arms of my abusers. It is kind of mad!

So, after all, I am the creator of my miserable life.

This morning, I decided to run, to go away, to turn back. I don’t think I am capable of another round of this. I have moved countries for approximately ten times so far and I have moved houses over twenty times. I am just a homeless beggar, pleading for mercy, a sense of safety and liberation from my burden of being useful.

This morning, I looked around to see who I find in my life. I found a confused young woman without much hold of herself and two dead people: both fixed on their invisible board game of protection and abuse. I saw some others souls being oblivious of Life all together. I got really scared how lonely I suddenly felt. There was once again nobody there but me … and maybe God, I just did not see Him, there.


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My reflection

Here we go again. Journeying on, on Hell’s roller coaster. Here comes again, another round of disaster for the sake of salvation.

Though we have moved countries and over 2000 kilometres, we haven’t moved and inch. Here I am surrounded with my own personal demons; with an overwhelmed adult and a needy, anxious little girl inside.

If I could just trust that every day of my life serves nothing but one single purpose: my liberation; if I could just trust that everything that happens is just a pool of experiences that means nothing in the ocean of my vast existence; if I were less stressed and could hear God’s soothing voice; I would probably feel better.

But, I have not moved an inch. I am once again anxious for my survival amongst the needy, the mentally instable and the psychologically retarded. I am on high alert so to be able to protect myself against their wobbly nature, moodiness and unreliability. Here I am again, alone and self-depriving without a cause.

I am the latest project of some self-serving megalomania and neediness, of a couple who needs so, so much from others that they suffocate them with their kindness and hospitality.

I suddenly found myself on a seemingly different land of the kind-hearted backward people who want nothing to be changed and if it must be, it should happen really slowly and unnoticeable.

But it is no different from what I already know.

I am at home in Hell’s kitchen.

I look at myself in the mirror and wish to see different. Not only the vision that is reflected back at me frightens me but also what appears behind it; the mirage of an oasis.

Can it be true? Could I be so lucky? Is there a ‘more’ beyond the ‘solid’?

I look around and I see no life. Aimless, dead (hu)-mans waste their precious time in meaningless activates. And all these activates are run by a fear or a need that they are completely unaware of.


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Assignment No.I – Chapter 5

Chapter 5

This chapter is about initiation. In this chapter Jesus explains clearly the basics of the path: his role, his relationship with the Father, what it means to be initiated and what the path actually involves in simple terms.

“Rise, take up thy bed and walk” “Afterwards Jesus findeth him in the temple, and said upon him. Behold, though are made whole: sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee.”

As Beas explains it “Upon initiation we become whole again, we are made to remember that we are of Spirit, we are reminded of our wholesomeness in God. … ‘Becoming whole’ is the same as ‘knowing thyself’, because the real self is Soul.

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 4

Chapter 4

This chapter is about the importance of the initiation and meditation practice.

The beginning of this Chapter follows upon the discussion of our inherent longing for God started at the previous Chapter. As far as I understand longing is the notion that ensures that our Soul looks for and eventually finds the way Home to God. Longing is God’s calling us Home. Thirst maybe understood in the text as longing for water (the Names) that Jesus offers to the Samaritan woman which is the ‘key’ to the way Home.

Here, the other great element of our journey appears, fear. If we see God as the source of Loving, then in that sense Fear is Kal or the Devil/Satan. Fear ensures that we stay trapped in the cycle of life and death. Fear is our constant companion. There is none without fear. We all fear something and that fear defines our relationship with God. Very often walking the path means facing our fears and letting go of our misconceptions sustaining that fear.

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Diary of MS, Vol.2

Thoughts on discipleship, service and ministerial studies @ the BoL

3/6/2016, I decided to create a diary for my journey of the ministerial studies. I suppose this can be part of my assignments because these posts are accounts of my personal experiences of various study related material and encounters.

Budapest, 8 05 2016

Blind Faith

Regarding my studies towards becoming a minister I have recently realized a few issues that has an effect of my becoming a minister. These issues I find rather challenging to embrace.

First one, is often referred to as ’all is well’ or some say ’it is God’s will’ others express it as total acceptance of what is. I call it blind faith.

I grew up without much influence of the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, I have a bigot Catholic aunt who wanted to contribute to our religious education. Her faith, however, completely based on petrifying fear that lead her believing in demons and the devil so she taught us about how to fear God and avoid the devil, how to be good so to please God. There was no mention of a loving and caring God but a fearful one with vengeance.
I do not know what blind faith is, I am always doubtful. Therefore, I simply cannot embrace the idea that all is always well and it is always OK just as it is. Though I do not question ‘Fate’ as I call it, I do have issues embracing challenging times, not mentioning emphasizing the opposite by saying ‘it is all OK’.

It is a bit difficult to write about this ‘issue’ because the question is not about accepting what is but communicating what is truly happening for me.

To my understanding, as long as one believes that everything is just fine the way it is, it reflects an attitude that somehow eludes the notion of moving forward. One may move forward in life without any notion of striving, however, s/he is definitely not aware of it. The way I understand our relationship with God is that of awareness and conscious ‘efforts’. In general, I do not believe that for a human being it comes naturally to become spiritual. It takes efforts, quite some efforts indeed, to follow and stay with spiritual principles that serve us in the long run.

I suspect, that when one believes that all is OK, one presumes that there is nothing particularly needs to be ‘done’ to generate ‘change’. By change I mean deepening our connection with God. I understand that this connection is not a mental understanding, however, in my experience, it is a letting go of what blocks our deepening relationship with God that often surface as some kind of awareness in our consciousness.

To me, one must face wholeheartedly life’s curve balls, preferably, without much resistance, which could be called acceptance. However, the ‘all is well’ or ‘it is God’s will’ attitudes I consider blind faith without much depth beyond a mental conception of what God is or what our relationship with Him should look or feel like.

I think it is just human to feel that occasionally ‘all is just not so well, actually’. As one is going through a rough patch at any time in life, it feels anything but OK. Naturally, it does not mean, that I fight it, but it definitely reminds me that something should be ‘done’. When it is hard, I always feel that there is something I either avoid dealing with or I need to become aware of. I find it unnatural to slip into a numb sense of ‘all is OK’, when actually it does not feel so OK at all.

Therefore, I wonder, how I can wholeheartedly represent God’s best intention for us and His will being loving while I, myself, am so not OK with what is going on at a time.

God’s Love for us

My other issue is related to God, himself. I don’t seem to be able to grasp God’s Love for us. I keep on having the feeling that God is ‘just’ a place a fuzzy feeling of Home but I doubt that God is a caring entity, wishing us happiness.

As I look around I see so much suffering and need that I can hardly imagine that there is a God at all, not mentioning the idea that this ‘world’ we live in is actually part of His creation.

There was this boy, who is a toothless drunken old man now, who I though once was an angel. He was the sweetest, kindest, purest person I ever met. I felt nothing but immense amount of love each time I met him. He looked like the little angel boys on the altar painting. He had the blond locks of hair, piercing blue eyes, a sweet smile and gentle appearance. And he was like this until about the age of 12/13. He never turned bad, I don’t think he could, even if he wanted to. He just looks like someone who cannot deal with more pain, someone who does not want to remember anything anymore. He now lives in a constant alcohol infused oblivion. He is kind of lucky because his sister takes care of him so he won’t turn homeless and he could get up and go to work.

When I look at him I often wonder how God could let him slip away like that. I understand that our karmas take us to places that are really dark and thick and all that we live is our own creation of previously accumulated ‘sins’.

My mother is now suicidal. She has expressed her wish to die soon. She has by now given up on life, that life can be any different for her or that she can make nah difference in her life.

Looking at people I am screaming inside. Why don’t You help them somehow? How can You let them be like this? How can’t You not find the way to whisper Love into their ears so they can open up and make some change.

Even though I notice some ‘easing’ factors like my friends’ sister’s taking care for him and my brother’s care for my mother, my constant nagging that may allow her to make tiny changes.

However, in my mind, God is meant to be a miracle maker, a Gini of some sort, a Love Guru who can whisper magical words into our ears while we sleep and so we wake up a little bit more ‘enlightened’, a little bit less stuck or self-destructive or simply a little bit more willing the next morning.

I understand that none of the above can be comprehended or altered by the mind. I only hope for some of your experiences and thoughts that you could share with me that may help me embrace God’s intentions for us; that may allow me to see what is not visible for me right now.

I feel, that in these areas I lack authenticity. I simply cannot say that it is all OK, or it is going to be OK, God loves us no matter what because these are only words for me right now.


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Assignment No.I – Chapter 3

Chapter 3

This chapter discusses what initiation and being reborn in Spirit mean. It also reveals the role of the teacher in more detail and what it means to walk the Path. This chapter also reveals the nature of the soul and mentions the two main elements of the Path: Sound and Light.

Jesus upon meeting the Pharisee called Nicodemus explains him the Path, the only way of returning Home to God. He obviously does not understand what Jesus is saying, from his responses it is obvious that he is not ready to be ‘reborn again’.”… verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God” … “Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.”

From this chapter I learnt that the soul has two faculties: “that of seeing and that of hearing within” . So “we can hear the Spirit and see the Light”. It is important because we must attach ourselves to the Sound Current in order to be able to travel Home. By withdrawing our consciousness to the eye centre where we can see the Light and hear the ‘wind’ of the Spirit.

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 2

Chapter 2

This chapter is about the meaning of miracles and Jesus’s response to the greedy merchants in the temple.

Miracles, to me, used to be about deeds that an ordinary human being cannot achieve. According to Beas Mystics or Teachers come into the world with allotted tasks to perform and they may use miracles in order to support delivering their message and tasks. They do not come to the word to simply perform miracles.

I agree, however, that miracles may not be deeds that an everyday human being would not be able to perform. When observing an illusionist he seems to be performing miracles, however, it is only an illusion to the limited vision. It looks that way, though, at the time.

So, I wonder, if Mystics are but human beings with extended consciousness and vision, and us, spectators, we just look in amazement only because we are lost to our learnt limitations.

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Plan of God vs Plan of man!

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