5.06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Law of attraction – What I hate I attract. Here we go again!

This morning I was talking about the law of attraction or Murphy’s Law, we attract what we focus on the most. As evidence shows, I must focus most on everything I detest because I hardly have anything else in my life.

I feel unsafe with these people and despise them. Is that why I must live with them?

The funny thing is that, I am studying to be a minister, at least, I hope I still am. Ministers don’t seem to judge the herd, they are sympathetic, kind, embracing and forgiving to others.  I am neither. They provide guidance. I can hardly find my own way, not mentioning leading others.

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So, like all of us in chains, I keep on recreating this ‘whatever it may be’ for myself. Let’s see how it works. I feel fed up and frustrated. I get restless. I want to move but I don’t want to do it alone so I drag someone along with whom I wish to co-support each other. However, with some strange reason, I always choose people to support me in return for my kind deeds for the – that they have never actually asked for – who can hardly support themselves, so I end up getting exhausted, frustrated and manic. They end up being upset with me and eventually run away.  This is one of the scenarios.

According to another scenario, I go alone but then I end up staying with someone, who is very needy in some way or another and so I end up either hiding from them or trying to fix them so I am safe.

It seems I always think I am in debt of some kind towards humanity as a whole and in order to get any support, guidance, love, etc. I constantly feel that I must offer them something.

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I keep on wandering what this experience is reflecting back at me.

Facts: I am having a very hard time physically. It is extremely uncomfortable on many different levels. It is dirty and very noisy. People around me have very low self-esteem and high self-hatred therefore they self- abuse with various drugs especially cigarette that I am constantly exposed to. The environment is very different from what I consider nice. This place seems like a giant village with endless dirt roads, no public transport – what they have is a complete mess -, and a construction site with constant pneumatic drilling.

Facts: Psychologically it is also challenging because it is very chaotic and nothing is ever what it seems. There needs to be a lot of second guessing so to figure out what could be going on under the surface. This place is about money, and money only. It is cheap for those who want a holiday on the beach with tons of booze. And it can provide you with a stable income for a season if you are willing to put the work in.  Those who own the place are billionaires who cannot care less.

The boys have rather racist ideas about certain type of people and they are convinced that some of these people should be eradicated.

Facts: There are breath-taking beaches and giant villages with history and architecture. There are huge amount of people passing through this place year by year coming either as tourist, student, investors, seasonal workers, in-settlers, or a mixture of some of these.

So, which fact is going to win inside me???

CCF06052011_00040Photo copyright at Spirit’n Art

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