Loving who I am
I am a failure in every sense of the world.
I have a brilliant mind. I am intelligent. I creative. I used to be beautiful. I am well travelled. I am self- and environment aware. It has always been like this.
I was an artistic, restless and hyperactive child and soon got the label ‘trouble’. I do not recall anyone encouraging me to become ‘someone’ apart from a strange aunt. She was a psychologist who used to have me for overnight stays during which time she took me to artsy events. She encouraged me to make art. My parents were too immature to care which direction I was going. Most of my teachers were viscous and were adamant that I was a useless looser.
Early on, I decided that I would prove my prosecutors wrong and spent most of my time to prove what a worthy and valuable human being I am. I went to uni, I trained to become a teacher, I traveled extensively, I did lots of volunteering, I fought for lost causes, I took care of other people, I studied more, I created different educational projects.
Just to see them all fail, miserably.
I never married.
Once I looked beautiful but now I am rather overweight and lumpy.
I am practically homeless because I spent most of my life searching for the latest ‘scheme’ to prove how valuable I am.
Instead, I proved my tormentors right.
All in all, I have all the reasons to feel sorry for myself and blame my ‘upbringing’ for my misfortunes.
Knowing how resourceful I can be and still not being able to make anything valuable of myself gives me the right to be angry and feel ashamed. I think, I can rightfully spend the rest of my life being angry and unforgiving. Obviously, I have suffered and blamed my way though life and I did that with a ‘f**k you’ attitude.
End of story.
In my experience, we tend to have different ideas of what self-love may entail. Some believes that self-love is self-realization; knowing who you are and living the truth of who you are. Sounds fab, doesn’t it? Others think that it has something to do with spiritual enlightenment and doing volunteering or tending to the needy. Some simply thinks that self-love is a matter of meeting our own needs on our own terms while gaining a sense of satisfaction.
Well, it may all be valid ways of self-love, however, for me all these different ways are somehow out there in the wilderness. I find Self-Love to be a very personal and intimate matter. It only involves me and my life as I personally experience it. It has nothing to do with anything or anybody else.
I tend to believe now that Self-Love is a matter of acceptance and being at peace with my life just as it is. Not striving or demanding, asking or pleading. It is having a look at my life, at any moment in time, and know that all is well. I am OK the way I am. My life is not supposed to be any different from what it is in this very moment. I release all expectations I have of myself or of God. I see and live the value of who I am without it being reciprocated in any way. I have nothing to prove.
My intention for myself this week is to practice self-love.