The couple arrived. Young and quirky. Self-confident and successful. They know what they want. They can relate to the world and fit in. They are everything I am not – of this world: sorted, jobs, life, car, the house, the children, the marriage, the smile and THE happiness. I detested them. I don’t have what they have. And probably never will have any of them. They have ‘security’.
I noticed how I try and make my life sound exciting so I won’t stay behind. I try and find something they may not have that would ‘win’ the ‘contest’. I found one. I have freedom. The freedom of packing up and going to another place if I don’t like the one I am living right now. The freedom that seemingly has no attachments to anything or anybody. Though I only make it appear that way.
Honestly I am simply lost. I am lost in time and space, I don’t know where this journey, that I have set myself upon, will take me, if it does at all.
I would like to appear in a certain way, like I did before, like the military lady; hardcore all together, sorted even in the mist of confusion; two feed on the ground uncompromising. She reminded of myself so much. No questions asked but go on with your duties. Discipline and rules. Tough, hardened skin with a kind and vulnerable heart underneath it.
But today, none of it is true any more. Probably it has never been. It has always been about appearances, hiding all that is not acceptable, taking on what is expected and being tamed.
So here I am without appearances and feeling lost. And sill I know, it is much better to be lost because in being lost at least there is a chance to find myself; whereas being on a set path would always be about appearances.
I prefer the road less travelled – fearsome but awesome!