Author Archives: ildiko

Assignment No.I – Chapter 7

Chapter 7 This Chapter is about Jesus’s visit and preaching at the Feast of the Tabernacles in Galilee. Here he explains the difference between a true teacher, a God-sent mystic and a self-made one who only seeks his own glory. … Continue reading

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 6

Chapter 6 This chapter explains the meaning of a teacher – who can be a teacher at a point in time – discusses discipleship, and offers thoughts on the deeper meaning of the teachings. At the beginning of the chapter … Continue reading

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29.05. “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Dream I am feeling rather worried. I tried but could hardly medi this morning. I was looking forward to our LAFing but nobody was available this morning to listen to my whining. Must be a sign … what do all … Continue reading

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One decision

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26.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

A Letter … Over all, it feels as if I am in some kind of a waiting again. I am rather relaxed about it all. I am not anxious, I simply don’t care much what happens. It is very uncomfortable … Continue reading

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24.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Vibrations I am amazed to see how well I surround myself with abuse. Probably, the saddest thing is that it is set up in an invisible pattern of events, stimuli and responses. Nobody notices. Some completely ignore it, not even noticing the … Continue reading

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Courage <3

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22.5 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

This morning This morning during my meditation I felt a strong need for closeness, being held and embraced in kind arms. I just wanted to experience some safety in the mist of this confusion and aimlessness I am going through. … Continue reading

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My reflection

Here we go again. Journeying on, on Hell’s roller coaster. Here comes again, another round of disaster for the sake of salvation. Though we have moved countries and over 2000 kilometres, we haven’t moved and inch. Here I am surrounded with … Continue reading

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 5

Chapter 5 This chapter is about initiation. In this chapter Jesus explains clearly the basics of the path: his role, his relationship with the Father, what it means to be initiated and what the path actually involves in simple terms. … Continue reading

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 4

Chapter 4 This chapter is about the importance of the initiation and meditation practice. The beginning of this Chapter follows upon the discussion of our inherent longing for God started at the previous Chapter. As far as I understand longing … Continue reading

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Diary of MS, Vol.2

Thoughts on discipleship, service and ministerial studies @ the BoL 3/6/2016, I decided to create a diary for my journey of the ministerial studies. I suppose this can be part of my assignments because these posts are accounts of my … Continue reading

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 3

Chapter 3 This chapter discusses what initiation and being reborn in Spirit mean. It also reveals the role of the teacher in more detail and what it means to walk the Path. This chapter also reveals the nature of the … Continue reading

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 2

Chapter 2 This chapter is about the meaning of miracles and Jesus’s response to the greedy merchants in the temple. Miracles, to me, used to be about deeds that an ordinary human being cannot achieve. According to Beas Mystics or … Continue reading

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Plan of God vs Plan of man!

https://www.facebook.com/thedoctorasky/videos/1109122919155283/

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The Maze

It is like a maze without and exit, for most of us, anyway. We are going around, lost within its patterns, on the tiny paths. It keeps us amazed and hopeful at every turn, that there might be an exit … Continue reading

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The shadow side

“…Working on the shadow side takes such commitment and time. Often there seems to be so little change, just the uncovering of even deeper problems, deeper pain, more intense feelings of isolation, rejection, abandonment – whatever are the feelings hidden … Continue reading

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Why don’t you lift me out?

So, it is all my fault. Somewhere along the way I lost track of the Path I left your Garden Now I wonder aimlessly in the wilderness. You seem to have lost track of me, too! Have you not noticed? … Continue reading

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Assignment No.I – Chapter 1

Chapter 1 To my understanding, the first chapter of Light on St. John by Radha Beas’s as well as John 1:1 – 1:51 from the Bible is an introduction to Jesus’s basic teachings and it provides with some basic information … Continue reading

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Assignment No.I introduction

Assignment No.I Task: Summary of the book What I learnt form the book How I integrate what I learnt from the book into my ministership Radha Soamin Satsang Beas – Light on Saint John, 1967, and Gospel according to Saint … Continue reading

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The meaning of Life

“The spiritual awakening is the most essential thing in man’s life, and it is the sole purpose of being.” Khalil Gibran “We came not into this life by exile, but we came as innocent creatures of God, to learn how … Continue reading

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Diary of MS, Vol.1

Thoughts on discipleship, service and ministerial studies @ the BoL Today, I decided to create a diary for my journey of the ministerial studies. I suppose this can be part of my assignments because these posts are accounts of my … Continue reading

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B. Gilman: God’s alive and well

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You’ve got a friend!

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Hafiz, the master poet

Today is Valentine’s Day and I was wondering what it is I could do to make myself of my own Valentine? So, I decided to read some ‘Love’ poems. As I was wondering whose poetry to indulge into, the first … Continue reading

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I heard you Calling

I heard you Calling I called back. You don’t seem to have heard my response Am I not loud enough for you? YES! DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID, YES. I said, yes, and I mean it. I am not … Continue reading

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Messiah

“Right now I’m his apostle, but my dream is to someday be my own Messiah.” Source

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My wicked spirituality

Everything is perfect. When Louise said this, I realized that hearing that phrase is like hearing that everything happens for a reason. It’s a tough message to swallow when faced with tragedy or deep pain of any kind. But, by … Continue reading

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HEARTBREAK

is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control, of holding in our affections those who inevitably move beyond our line of sight. Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let … Continue reading

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The lessons to learn

In the past few weeks, I have been scanning and reading my old diaries from 35 to 10/15 years ago. Though many things have changed since then, actually nothing has changed. The main troubles and issues of mine are exactly … Continue reading

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Khalil Gibran@Large

“Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” ‘Life is naked’ “Why do you draw bodies always naked?” Haskell is said to have asked him. Gibran answered: “because … Continue reading

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Gethsemane

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Psalm 139

Psalm 139 New International Version (NIV) For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. 1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from … Continue reading

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TRUST

“Those who trust in the Lord will be like a tree planted by the water.” (Jer 17:8-NIV) 7″Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. 8″For he will be like a tree planted by … Continue reading

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M. Robinson: Deeper

“As a person goes deeper inside themself…, they will meet egoic mind in it’s totality. Then, just before the person drops the whole of their identity and beliefs of separateness, boredom will present itself. It is the last argument of … Continue reading

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My Gratitude Protfolio

  “She beautifies my disillusioned brain. She’s like my fairy godmother. … ‘This is the best day of my life. I’m a genius. I love people and people love me. I never criticize, condemn, or complain. Everyone I meet today is … Continue reading

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The Adventure of Lent

Did you know that the origin of Lent was really about spending 40 days contemplating and ‘choosing your own adventure’? When I originally started thinking about Len, my first thoughts were, obviously, about what to give up for this Lenten … Continue reading

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Take me to church

Sergei Polunin, “Take Me to Church” by Hozier, Directed by David LaChapelle

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Pain and the glass-ball

I have been having this unbearable pain that feels as if someone was sitting on my chest making me suffocate slowly for a while. It is so beyond bearable that I went to see a neurologist and ended up taking … Continue reading

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Just thoughts …

I am resigned, submissive and acquiescent. I fight no more. I can’t make a difference, what is more, I can’t even say full-heartedly that there is a need for any change. Who am I to imply that, anyway? The meek, the blessed … Continue reading

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My shit, your shit

We all deal with some shit. It occasionally looks enormous, and sometimes we do not even notice its existence. However, the more you dig into your own shit to see what it is made of, the more you realize its … Continue reading

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Brian Yeakey and ILM

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I am sorry! Please, forgive me!

It all started before I was born. I failed many people. I did not keep to my word and I could help them reach Nirvana. Upon dying I was struggling with immense amount of guilt, a sense of incompletion and … Continue reading

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The Lion and the Lamb

Isaiah 11:6 The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them. Isaiah 65:25 The wolf … Continue reading

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Birthday reminder from a dear friend

My dear!! Be happy as you are! Keep on searching, sharing, expanding, loving, inspiring… Stay young, free and centered to yourself and balance it with some roots (anywhere I want) to have yourself even more earthy, joyful and wise! I … Continue reading

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Reflections

We are limited reflections to one another. We reflect our stubborness in our limitations. I am stubborn and unwilling to enter the Grace of God and stay there. She is stubborn and unwilling to let of the illusion that she is … Continue reading

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It won’t hurt, don’t be afraid!

I just would like you to consider what I tell you. I don’t want you to act in accordance with my words. Don’t be afraid, my words don’t hurt. Neither will your actions if you align them with your own … Continue reading

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My failed experiment

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path. I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am … Continue reading

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My normal life

I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I … Continue reading

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Loved

You don’t love me! I am feeling unlovable as if fallen out of favour for a life time. I am feeling betrayed and rejected. Half of humanity rejects me out of fear of the unknown, the different. The other half … Continue reading

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My abnormal life

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging. If I could chose, I would want … Continue reading

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Fear and Love

“We attract the same energy we give out. …” Well, I am puzzled. The experiences I have been having these past two days are rather odious. I started advertizing a program I am supposed to run and a lady started … Continue reading

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It just somehow feels right …

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Frozen

It amazes me that there is always another layer of depression under any depth of depression. There is always a way to feel a bit shittier than yesterday. I hear myself say “you have a choice here, man! You either … Continue reading

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My life in (non) acceptance

I suspect that all that is present in my Life right now is a reflection of my inner world. Let’s have a look. I am homeless. I am taken in by my family who consists of three people: an anger … Continue reading

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Lost in transition

Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I … Continue reading

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The vicious circle of feeling undeserving

I have been very angry … I have been angry all my life, or most of it anyway, but recently it is a very weird kind of anger. I am painfully angry. so far, my anger was mostly vindictive, I … Continue reading

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Some thoughts on resisting Life

So, it is the rock bottom, I HOPE! It is all a hell of a confusion, I am completely out of control  and freaked out. Every moment when something crazy or rather unbearable happens, I scream inside; What’s more?? Please, … Continue reading

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My wayside spirituality

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making … Continue reading

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That is where I am at …

 

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Connection

I have run out of tools. Not as if I had many before. I had two. I screamed and shouted to let the other person know that whatever is happening is not OK with me. They did not get it. … Continue reading

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Two of my women

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a … Continue reading

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I am enough!

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Self-Care

I  have neither the time nor energy for a lot of things that need attending, especially myself. I have an exhausted body, low energy level, slight depression creeping in now, and an always ready soul who just does not get … Continue reading

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The Self-Abuser Squad

I am sitting here alone (my preference) reflecting on the past few months. I have recently realized how much self-abuse I inflict on myself that causes me to become a so-called ‘suffering cow’. Why on Earth, you might ask, would … Continue reading

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Never look back

Gen  19: “16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters, Jehovah being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth, and … Continue reading

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Love is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how … Continue reading

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Moving on

Feeling stupid. How could I do this to myself? How could I believe for even a second that it will turn out to be great. And it didn’t. I am at one of my worst’s and there is nobody to … Continue reading

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The pain of resistance

I heard once that the pain comes from resisting life, resisting living life for what it is. The pain is the price that we pay for wanting something else, complaining for not having what we think we should have while … Continue reading

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Sadness

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” Khalil Gibran How appropriate! The garden of good and evil*. Between the Earth and the Heavens. I suspect that until one chooses the garden of good and so lives in the garden … Continue reading

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And So Will I Wonder…?

  I lived, but then in living I was feeble in life and always knew that they would bury me here in the end, that year piles upon year, clod on clod, stone on stone, that the body swells and … Continue reading

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Freedom

“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.” Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own … Continue reading

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Uncomfortable

I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me … Continue reading

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My creation

I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill.  It feels as if God has never existed; hid … Continue reading

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Schizophrenic

Most people, I know, has a demon inside him that either horrifies him or criticize him vigorously. My demon is a Nazi army officer. She tells me what a stupid and useless person I am, how ridiculous I am, especially, … Continue reading

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Victim of abuse

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why. Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being … Continue reading

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I fell in Love

I fell in Love with God A long, long time ago. Our relationship is like most Old couples’; I am grumpy when I feel let down And He is forever forgiving Towards all my flaws. The passion has deceased Still … Continue reading

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Today is Epiphany

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”) is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe breakthrough scientific, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in … Continue reading

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Unique

Living who I TRULY am is my Service to God and To all His children I ever meet in this course of life This way I am a living example of his Loving – for us all His loving is … Continue reading

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Mea culpa

You either abuse me or take me for dirt And still it is my fault Mea culpa Obviously I am incapable of presenting and communicating myself As a respectable human being Though, I can’t think how I would be able … Continue reading

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Sophisticated shit vs. grace

Interestingly her issues after all reflect mine too. I don’t think I am so far off, but I do see myself reflected in her behaviour. I am reserved meaning I withhold myself from others in protection of my integrity and … Continue reading

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My smell

It is like an unmistakable smell animals trace for their pray. I can stand miles away, my smell caught by the needy. My unspoken promise – to sort it all out, have all the answers and take all the responsibility … Continue reading

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Death

She hates her life so much that no matter how much she is scared of death – the last breath of human existence – the very thought of death being the release and setting one free from the unbearable agony … Continue reading

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Puppet show

It is funny and sad when I look around myself – myself included. It is like a mechanical puppet show. I know which string to pull to get a certain reaction. I know what to say – we have been … Continue reading

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He&She

‘He’ He is the statue of passivity and repressed anger. He functions like Pavlov’s dog, most predictably: when questioned about his lack of touch with anything around him or his lack of care for anything but the games that takes … Continue reading

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My greatest shame and guilt

I have wondered all my adult life what it is that I am so ashamed of, that I feel so guilty about. Today it downed on me – I am ashamed of being a ‘Hungarian’ as if it meant being … Continue reading

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Mother’s day

Well, today is mother’s day. My mother asked me why I have drawn a flower for her. I said , ‘because I don’t have the means to go out and get you a bunch’. She said, ‘no, no, I mean … Continue reading

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Life owes me nothing

There was nobody available for us children To take care, to hold, to lead To love We grew like mushrooms after a hard rain The others learnt to protect themselves By pleasing others and disappearing behind a cloud of Self-destruction … Continue reading

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Her

She reminds me of my mother Selfish pretending to be kind and supportive Though all her actions are driven by one single cause To feel safe and protected   Each time I think of her I see her smile and … Continue reading

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Forgiveness

The  punishment is justified I am bad, bad, bad … Nobody can prove me wrong Nobody can prove otherwise I have been told too many times To change my mind about it My heart is set on the purgatory The … Continue reading

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My brother

My brother is an addict Like a brainless zombie His eyes are forever fixed on the screen His brain is captured by dragons and demons Click, click, click … Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years pass Without him realizing His … Continue reading

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A whole in my heart

Loneliness shot a hole through my heart I fell on the ground Tears like blood poured out From the hole of a bottomless well That used to be my heart

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The Beauty and the Beast

The Beauty and the Beast Are the same person. The day when her heart froze with fear and loneliness The Beauty was cast a magic spell and turned into the loveless Beast … and so she survived the worst … … Continue reading

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To sum it up

Though I am scared of vanishing I am also hoping that this ends here Because there is not much more of this I can bear Not as if I am not grateful that I got this chance – That I … Continue reading

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When?

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My mother

Her bitterness is like a dart that pierces our hearts. We all want her to be happy, we all respond in our own special way. I want her to change: to pick up her pieces, take responsibility for her life … Continue reading

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I should know better …

I am not willing to let go of the desire to make them see who I am, how good I am, how special and unique I am. But they never see me. They see somebody who they think I am. … Continue reading

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Karma

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Symbolisms of the Dragonfly (extracts)

Maturity and a Depth of character The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and … Continue reading

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Reminder so to hang in there…

Epiphany (feeling), a sudden realization of great truth The word epiphany originally referred to insight through the divine. For the philosopher Emmanuel Lévinas, epiphany or a manifestation of the divine is seen in another’s face (see face-to-face) Despite its popular … Continue reading

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