Author Archives: ildiko

I am sorry! Please, forgive me!

It all started before I was born. I failed many people. I did not keep to my word and I could help them reach Nirvana. Upon dying I was struggling with immense amount of guilt, a sense of incompletion and … Continue reading

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The Lion and the Lamb

Isaiah 11:6 The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them. Isaiah 65:25 The wolf … Continue reading

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Birthday reminder from a dear friend

My dear!! Be happy as you are! Keep on searching, sharing, expanding, loving, inspiring… Stay young, free and centered to yourself and balance it with some roots (anywhere I want) to have yourself even more earthy, joyful and wise! I … Continue reading

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Reflections

We are limited reflections to one another. We reflect our stubborness in our limitations. I am stubborn and unwilling to enter the Grace of God and stay there. She is stubborn and unwilling to let of the illusion that she is … Continue reading

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It won’t hurt, don’t be afraid!

I just would like you to consider what I tell you. I don’t want you to act in accordance with my words. Don’t be afraid, my words don’t hurt. Neither will your actions if you align them with your own … Continue reading

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My failed experiment

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path. I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am … Continue reading

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My normal life

I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I … Continue reading

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Loved

You don’t love me! I am feeling unlovable as if fallen out of favour for a life time. I am feeling betrayed and rejected. Half of humanity rejects me out of fear of the unknown, the different. The other half … Continue reading

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My abnormal life

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging. If I could chose, I would want … Continue reading

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Fear and Love

“We attract the same energy we give out. …” Well, I am puzzled. The experiences I have been having these past two days are rather odious. I started advertizing a program I am supposed to run and a lady started … Continue reading

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It just somehow feels right …

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Frozen

It amazes me that there is always another layer of depression under any depth of depression. There is always a way to feel a bit shittier than yesterday. I hear myself say “you have a choice here, man! You either … Continue reading

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My life in (non) acceptance

I suspect that all that is present in my Life right now is a reflection of my inner world. Let’s have a look. I am homeless. I am taken in by my family who consists of three people: an anger … Continue reading

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Lost in transition

Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I … Continue reading

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The vicious circle of feeling undeserving

I have been very angry … I have been angry all my life, or most of it anyway, but recently it is a very weird kind of anger. I am painfully angry. so far, my anger was mostly vindictive, I … Continue reading

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Some thoughts on resisting Life

So, it is the rock bottom, I HOPE! It is all a hell of a confusion, I am completely out of control  and freaked out. Every moment when something crazy or rather unbearable happens, I scream inside; What’s more?? Please, … Continue reading

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My wayside spirituality

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making … Continue reading

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That is where I am at …

 

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Connection

I have run out of tools. Not as if I had many before. I had two. I screamed and shouted to let the other person know that whatever is happening is not OK with me. They did not get it. … Continue reading

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Two of my women

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a … Continue reading

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I am enough!

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Self-Care

I  have neither the time nor energy for a lot of things that need attending, especially myself. I have an exhausted body, low energy level, slight depression creeping in now, and an always ready soul who just does not get … Continue reading

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The Self-Abuser Squad

I am sitting here alone (my preference) reflecting on the past few months. I have recently realized how much self-abuse I inflict on myself that causes me to become a so-called ‘suffering cow’. Why on Earth, you might ask, would … Continue reading

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Never look back

Gen  19: “16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters, Jehovah being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth, and … Continue reading

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Love is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how … Continue reading

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Moving on

Feeling stupid. How could I do this to myself? How could I believe for even a second that it will turn out to be great. And it didn’t. I am at one of my worst’s and there is nobody to … Continue reading

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The pain of resistance

I heard once that the pain comes from resisting life, resisting living life for what it is. The pain is the price that we pay for wanting something else, complaining for not having what we think we should have while … Continue reading

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Sadness

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” Khalil Gibran How appropriate! The garden of good and evil*. Between the Earth and the Heavens. I suspect that until one chooses the garden of good and so lives in the garden … Continue reading

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And So Will I Wonder…?

  I lived, but then in living I was feeble in life and always knew that they would bury me here in the end, that year piles upon year, clod on clod, stone on stone, that the body swells and … Continue reading

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Freedom

“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.” Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own … Continue reading

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Uncomfortable

I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me … Continue reading

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My creation

I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill.  It feels as if God has never existed; hid … Continue reading

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Schizophrenic

Most people, I know, has a demon inside him that either horrifies him or criticize him vigorously. My demon is a Nazi army officer. She tells me what a stupid and useless person I am, how ridiculous I am, especially, … Continue reading

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Victim of abuse

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why. Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being … Continue reading

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I fell in Love

I fell in Love with God A long, long time ago. Our relationship is like most Old couples’; I am grumpy when I feel let down And He is forever forgiving Towards all my flaws. The passion has deceased Still … Continue reading

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Today is Epiphany

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”) is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe breakthrough scientific, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in … Continue reading

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Unique

Living who I TRULY am is my Service to God and To all His children I ever meet in this course of life This way I am a living example of his Loving – for us all His loving is … Continue reading

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Mea culpa

You either abuse me or take me for dirt And still it is my fault Mea culpa Obviously I am incapable of presenting and communicating myself As a respectable human being Though, I can’t think how I would be able … Continue reading

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Sophisticated shit vs. grace

Interestingly her issues after all reflect mine too. I don’t think I am so far off, but I do see myself reflected in her behaviour. I am reserved meaning I withhold myself from others in protection of my integrity and … Continue reading

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My smell

It is like an unmistakable smell animals trace for their pray. I can stand miles away, my smell caught by the needy. My unspoken promise – to sort it all out, have all the answers and take all the responsibility … Continue reading

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Death

She hates her life so much that no matter how much she is scared of death – the last breath of human existence – the very thought of death being the release and setting one free from the unbearable agony … Continue reading

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Puppet show

It is funny and sad when I look around myself – myself included. It is like a mechanical puppet show. I know which string to pull to get a certain reaction. I know what to say – we have been … Continue reading

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He&She

‘He’ He is the statue of passivity and repressed anger. He functions like Pavlov’s dog, most predictably: when questioned about his lack of touch with anything around him or his lack of care for anything but the games that takes … Continue reading

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My greatest shame and guilt

I have wondered all my adult life what it is that I am so ashamed of, that I feel so guilty about. Today it downed on me – I am ashamed of being a ‘Hungarian’ as if it meant being … Continue reading

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Mother’s day

Well, today is mother’s day. My mother asked me why I have drawn a flower for her. I said , ‘because I don’t have the means to go out and get you a bunch’. She said, ‘no, no, I mean … Continue reading

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Life owes me nothing

There was nobody available for us children To take care, to hold, to lead To love We grew like mushrooms after a hard rain The others learnt to protect themselves By pleasing others and disappearing behind a cloud of Self-destruction … Continue reading

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Her

She reminds me of my mother Selfish pretending to be kind and supportive Though all her actions are driven by one single cause To feel safe and protected   Each time I think of her I see her smile and … Continue reading

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Forgiveness

The  punishment is justified I am bad, bad, bad … Nobody can prove me wrong Nobody can prove otherwise I have been told too many times To change my mind about it My heart is set on the purgatory The … Continue reading

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My brother

My brother is an addict Like a brainless zombie His eyes are forever fixed on the screen His brain is captured by dragons and demons Click, click, click … Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years pass Without him realizing His … Continue reading

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A whole in my heart

Loneliness shot a hole through my heart I fell on the ground Tears like blood poured out From the hole of a bottomless well That used to be my heart

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The Beauty and the Beast

The Beauty and the Beast Are the same person. The day when her heart froze with fear and loneliness The Beauty was cast a magic spell and turned into the loveless Beast … and so she survived the worst … … Continue reading

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To sum it up

Though I am scared of vanishing I am also hoping that this ends here Because there is not much more of this I can bear Not as if I am not grateful that I got this chance – That I … Continue reading

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When?

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My mother

Her bitterness is like a dart that pierces our hearts. We all want her to be happy, we all respond in our own special way. I want her to change: to pick up her pieces, take responsibility for her life … Continue reading

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I should know better …

I am not willing to let go of the desire to make them see who I am, how good I am, how special and unique I am. But they never see me. They see somebody who they think I am. … Continue reading

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Karma

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Symbolisms of the Dragonfly (extracts)

Maturity and a Depth of character The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and … Continue reading

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Reminder so to hang in there…

Epiphany (feeling), a sudden realization of great truth The word epiphany originally referred to insight through the divine. For the philosopher Emmanuel Lévinas, epiphany or a manifestation of the divine is seen in another’s face (see face-to-face) Despite its popular … Continue reading

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Revenge 3

It is so not my job to punish you for your betrayal For your actions that take away the very essence Of your intentions You gladly do that for me You take revenge for me By doing what you have … Continue reading

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Reminder – Meditation

Though I don’t especially like Osho’s style, I like this bit: “Slowly slowly, meditation becomes your very life, your very heartbeat. That day is the most blessed day when you don’t have to meditate – you are meditation. Your very … Continue reading

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Revenge 2

How funny. I hit and missed bit time I hit an innocent lamb. How sad. Best revenge? Letting it go and trusting providence. Not as if I know what that is. Patience, patience, patience … and a scream!

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Revenge

Oh, all that loving is out the window. I can’t think of anything else but taking revenge!’ I must repay the pain caused, Showing the sinner a ‘good’ time! So typical! Well, I am not proud of it. I must … Continue reading

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Merry Christmas!

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Love (Christmas) is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how … Continue reading

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Betray

You sneak in you betray the silence and sadly, you only rob yourself from the experience of your own truth.  

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Homelessness

I fly like a bird over the vast blue sky daily I am admired by many for being free But they don’t see the cage that I drag behind me With a label on it saying: in exile I fly … Continue reading

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I became who I am

a true Artist Thank you!

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God Power

This world is being run, through us, by the God power. And we can conduct this power out here into the world through our loving service.  John-Roger

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In the Arms of the angel

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance For the break that will make it ok There’s always some reason to feel not good enough And it’s hard at the end of the day I need some distraction oh … Continue reading

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Life and Death

For most of us, Life is simply dying slowly and painfully. (IK)

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Gaining clarity

It came to me today. To go on, I go back. I go back to a place where one sells oneself for money. Not as if other places down here are any different, but in this particular place it is … Continue reading

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The end of a road

I try not to be very upset. I compose myself again and again, I remind myself to have faith in the unknown, and just look exactly at what’s in front of me My stomach aches, it is full of fear … Continue reading

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Security

Between you and me there is a rock. I thought you had built it, but then I realized It is me who keeps the distance between us. I have been climbing my rock for years now, and occasionally I sense … Continue reading

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Yes or NO? That is the question

I am just soooooooooooo fed up. I can’t deal with it more. I don’t have more of what it takes to be disciplined. I had enough of it. I can’t … I can’t … I am angry and frustrated. I … Continue reading

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Providence

Providence “The Providence of God is His care over his works.” “His children are assured of His providential care in all their concerns. Its acts are threefold; preservation, co-operation, and government. He controls all things for the highest good of … Continue reading

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Dead End Road

I feel like a goose on thin ice, we say, when you are out of your natural habitat and can’t find your way out of a deadlock. I stay where I am because I have no other choice. I would … Continue reading

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Spirit is…

Spirit is energy, the force that activates the human consciousness and gives it life. Spirit individualizes itself as Soul and so resides closely within each consciousness. Many people have said that a human being has a Soul, but it is … Continue reading

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Crying out in need …

Physically, we’re quite a well-fed nation. But we have hidden hungers that are not satisfied. You may figure the way to overcome the hidden hungers is to stuff yourself with food until you’re satiated and no longer cry out in … Continue reading

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In spirit

you stay young forever.

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Control

This morning I realized that I am so not done with control. Though I am not in control but I pretend I am. So pathetic! I am so so scared to let go! It feels like jumping off a cliff … Continue reading

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Becoming

I want to become and allow my world to adjust to it. So, who do I want to become?

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The Love we all search

This whole fuss with Love is so simple even though we build extreme amount of passion and drama about it. Many books, films and other pieces of art have been made over the centuries about either the longing for or … Continue reading

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Merging into you

It feels like a prolonged orgasm. When you penetrate me I am reunited with my own self. I am one with me and you. You own me. I am subdued. I am reunited in your oneness. I am merged into … Continue reading

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Unwanted

It seems what I can offer is less valuable than a pile of papers. In a world of fear and greed the one that offers the most gains the least. Upside down values that never alter. After all, it is … Continue reading

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Nobody wants me but You

Would you want me when everyone turns away in disgust? Would you hold me even if the one who is supposed to love me the most drops me out of his favour? Would you care for me when I am … Continue reading

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It is only a step on the ladder

It makes me feel foolish and wrong. It takes my sense of joy away in an instant. It cuts me off from my own self with harsh and cruel words. I became afraid that I have done something and all … Continue reading

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I rest at your feet

I kneel at your feet. I am momentarily relieved from the burdens from my lower existence. I am freed from my bondage. I rest at peace until I am pulled back down to the madness of this world. I can’t … Continue reading

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I am in Love

It seems I have been looking for you forever. I always knew what I was looking for still I allowed myself to be deceived by the poor reflections of what your love can offer. I have tried to find you … Continue reading

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Service

At first, I thought my meaning was to serve my family. Then, I thought I was here to serve my community. Then, I figured it must be my nation I needed to serve. And finally it downed on me – … Continue reading

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Humble servant

I am an instrument of your Love. I am only here because of you. Only for you. I carry your Love wherever you direct me to. I spread the Light wherever I go. You care for me. You feed me … Continue reading

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Your sweet-sweet love

I am waiting for you at dawn. I sit and hold the silence as preciously as I can so you can arrive. If I am focused enough you appear with your sweet-sweet love to embrace me and carry me to … Continue reading

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Silence

There is something majestic about the silence that lingers between us in this deserted house. It is ancient, wise and everlasting. It holds it secrets of many lives long past. It waits patiently for the seeking soul to whisper its … Continue reading

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I am longing

I am longing for you to love me. I miss you. There is this coldness on the right side of my wedding bed. You wave at me from the distance. I smile back. I hold my breath in excitement until … Continue reading

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Shield of glass

I see through you. I can see the light behind your shield. Still I am away from it. I am scratching endlessly on you to make create a whole or at least a scratch that would allow me to slip … Continue reading

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God

God is like the ocean. It is ever calm, ever present, ever moving and almightily powerful. Still It does not care whether you are swimming in It or marveling at It from the shore. (IK)

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Complain

Each time you complain you give evidence of your own incompetence (IK)

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Abuse

I don’t even notice when you call me stupid or raise your voice to a pitch that is not audible for human beings. I am simply not aware that you make yourself and your need much more important than any … Continue reading

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Awaken

You don’t have to understand something that is already within you; you just have to awaken to your experience of it. Then understanding appears. The sleeper goes for abundance by manifesting illusion out of greed and insecurity. The one who … Continue reading

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My day off

Today I am taking a day off. I am taking a day off from my miseries and fears. I walk away from my insecurities and panics. Only for one day I forget about my marriage vows of being a faithful … Continue reading

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In detention

For not performing according to expectations. Bad girl! Pain creeps in first around the joints, just as a hint of warning: it’s too much to bear, too heavy. Then a light headache and some wake nights and the odd hollow … Continue reading

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