I always complain.
I complain about how hard life tends to be and how alone I am dealing with life’s challenges. I probably mentioned it before that I do not hold an image of ‘God’ as the saviour. God resides inside of us all. What we make of it is up to us. We are all our own saviours. Not feeling supported has nothing to do with God or His lack of efforts. It is an energy I carry inside myself. I cannot ask for help. I demand it when I need it because I think I deserve it. I am hard working. I do everything on my own. When I cannot do more, I have the right to get some help. Well. Though it sounds ‘right’ it does not work that way. Life (God) does not respond to demands very well.
Therefore, it is rather rare when I truly feel ‘held’.
Today was one of those days. I got on the train this morning that got full pretty quickly. I was not feeling very well. The train got so packed that, at some point, we were squeezing each other out of our skins. By then, I felt so unwell that I had to close my eyes and start to meditate.
Soon, I started to feel this majestic presence in front of me. I peeked out. There was this big bear of a man standing right in front of me ‘shielding’ me off from the crowd. I don’t think he realized what he was doing. He was, nevertheless, doing me a great favour. I felt simply held by Life in my need. The situation on the train got worse by the minute as more and more people tried to get on the train at each stop. But I did not feel a shred of that. Finally, as I was getting off, ‘my shield’ stepped away, creating a small path for me to be able to slip off the packed train carriage.
Grace did not stop there, today. It was hell of a day at school. I was teaching subjects I knew nothing about. The cover notes made no sense. The TA (teaching assistant) had been with the school for only 3 days. I was on my own.
So, I thought. Then, out of the blue, all these angels appeared, one by one, all through the day. They answered my questions, led the way, or simply held me in my need by being there for me. And I did not even had to ask.
To my greatest surprise, after all this, a teacher offered to ‘cover’ my lesson the next morning. I am supposed to be the cover! He told me not to worry, he would come and pick me up and show me where to go and what to do. I looked at him surprised and said a big “THANK YOU!” He grinned at me and simply said ‘No worries!’ with a thick Australian accent 🙂 before he walked out the door.
This day could have been hell.
Instead, it was a blessing.
These tiny moments of Grace in a day full of challenges made all the difference. And the difference was me. I am not sure what I did differently but these miracles were responses to my ‘asking for help’ in a silent and vulnerable way. Life simply responded to my ‘need’.
I am truly grateful for the experience.