Category Archives: The Journey

The daily life and thoughts of a wayfarer aka personal accounts of events both on the inner and on the outer plane.

The scapegoat

I am the designated scapegoat. As soon as the discomfort surfaces and it starts feeling uncontainable, the need for release is inevitable. I am often a good source for such a surface. It is rather easy to get cross with … Continue reading

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Thoughts on choices

I have been observing the days, the movement of seasons in a matter of hours, and my feelings as they float on top of the swimming pool, changing colours. I have the need, this overbearing desire to live in a … Continue reading

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Crucifixion and resurrection

Well, it has been ‘hell of a Lenten Season’. I have been fighting my way through it. Yesterday afternoon, however, the fog lifted and I started to hear the voice within again. For how much longer are you planning to … Continue reading

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Being held

I always complain. I complain about how hard life tends to be and how alone I am dealing with life’s challenges. I probably mentioned it before that I do not hold an image of ‘God’ as the saviour. God resides … Continue reading

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Kicking and Screaming

So, what is happening for us in this Lenten Season? How are you doing? Well, for me it is ‘hell of a season’. 🙂 I am going through a rough time. I am angry all time. I attack my environment … Continue reading

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So what to give up this Lenten season?

Recently, I became aware how much of a trouble maker I am and how much compassion and love I have for ‘troubled’ kids. My heart goes out for them. The education system I work ‘in’ (mostly out) is corrupted and … Continue reading

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How I became everyone’s mother

For the past few days I have observed the behaviour of my environment and myself. It has been uncomfortable and challenging. It feels that I am under siege and everyone blames me for the discord between us. There is nothing … Continue reading

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Genesis and I

There is always and inner and an outer journey. They happen along one another. It is as if I existed on two different planes at the same time. My body, emotions, mental consents and my imagination run on the plane … Continue reading

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Creativity

Creativity is … Continue reading

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Another kind of love

WOW! Such an angry man. He says Brexit will lead the way and allow other EU member countries to leave. He seemed particularly angry with the French and the German. He says The Brits will stop buying French and German … Continue reading

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Advent Week 3 – Joy

I have struggled with writing about ‘joy’. I have not experienced much of it lately, neither do I – I realized –  understand the word itself. I understand what ‘hope’ and ‘peace’ means to me. I know how I feel … Continue reading

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Shred of Thought

We are doomed. Looking at her, the way she retreats in fear, I understand how much we do not stand a chance in life. We were robbed as children of all our abilities by imbeciles. Neither can I blame them, … Continue reading

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Advent Week 2 – Peace

I am at Peace, I have no more demands. God does not live in the Heavens. He does not guide us, neither does S/He give instructions on how to live our lives. That God only exists in our distorted imagination. … Continue reading

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Advent Week 1 – HOPE

The first week of Advent starts today. HOPE is the theme. This morning in my meditation I was contemplating on what to ‘hope’ for this coming week? Looking at the state of affairs the world is in and the way … Continue reading

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To serve or not to serve

The boy killed himself in the church yard. The pastor talks about the society we, adults, have created for our children. A society that compares and judges. A society that must have ‘the best’ and everything else is mediocre or … Continue reading

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Wisdom and Freedom

Some background info on Pentecost & Passover here For the next two days we are asked to review the past 50 days and see how far we have come since Easter. At Easter, Jesus was revealed to be one of … Continue reading

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Abandonment

I though then I demanded, finally, I hoped that it was somebody else’s job. I spent the Holy week contemplating on my life, how my life developed into its present shape. I looked for signs where I might have taken … Continue reading

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The Promise of Easter

This week the Christian Church observes the Via Dolorosa, Jesus’ last days and hours that are depicted in the 14 Stations. During this week, we walk the sorrowful way towards Resurrection in Easter. The origin of the stations are a … Continue reading

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Psalm Sunday – Letting go of the not-letting-go

The priest was talking about the Stations of the Cross and asked us to be vigilant, during the Holy Week, of the manner we walk the stations with Jesus every step of the way. The past month has been tumultuous … Continue reading

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Fractions

God could have arranged something by now. You know, like Echart Tolle, who one day found himself enlightened. Out of the blue. The Holy Spirit could have intervened. I could have reached a relevant state of peace, I could have … Continue reading

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Peace of mind by non-participation

What to fast on this Lenten Season? Lent stared early this year. I just made my new year’s resolutions then, suddenly, it is the day of Epiphany asking me to meditate on what spiritual focus I want to hold for … Continue reading

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Fate

I have recently noticed that I just want time to pass. I constantly count down the minutes and the days. Each morning I wake up, I just cannot wait for the day to end. For a few decades I hoped … Continue reading

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Preparing for Lent, Ash Wednesday

A couple of days ago a friend suggested that my main karma is that I feel obliged. The Hungarian word ‘köteles’ when translated literally means ‘by rope’. I think it is rather interesting that I constantly feel that I am … Continue reading

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Beyond right and wrong

As often, I did the intro to our morning meditation. In my prayer, I asked God to come and meet me in the garden where no right and wrong exists. I sound such a committed devotee, at the same time … Continue reading

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So, how do you measure your lovable-ness?

This morning, in my meditation I found myself upset with the world for not appreciating me. I remembered how I was told off as a child when I asked too many questions and the way my teachers reacted when I … Continue reading

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Morning awareness

This morning as I was contemplating in the conservatory looking out into the morning darkness and observing how the faint light becomes stronger and stronger with each minute, I noticed how unsatisfied I was with my life. I consider myself … Continue reading

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Dissatisfied

As I am heading back to the UK to work, I sadly noticed how dissatisfied I was with my life. It is not that I am not grateful for what I am given. Neither is it about not being expecting … Continue reading

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Epiphany in disguise

Yesterday, I was observing the epiphanies in my life. In the morning I had a lovely chat with my best friends discussing our New Year’s resolutions and how we envisage our life the next year. Life was good and I … Continue reading

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Observing the 12 days of Christmas

As I am observing the days of this Christmas season am becoming more and more aware of the excruciating effects of my narcissistic expectations. I expect the world to roll up its sleeves and fight for the good, the noble, … Continue reading

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I heard God sharing (Sept 2017)

God often talks to me. I used to ignore Him because I did not understand what He said. He was persistent. He never gave up trying to find the way to share with me. So, eventually, I bowed at His … Continue reading

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The joy of being me

I am happy. I experience joy, suddenly. I realize that I carry the energy of the court jester. Someone who can be laughed at and made fun of because nobody actually understands what she is saying. It is always, however, … Continue reading

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Advent W3

The third week of Advent: JOY This week we reclaim our sense of joy. After having become aware of a layer of our personality that does not serve us any more and having made peace with it, we can rejoice. … Continue reading

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My word for the year 2018 is …

 

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When your nemesis is your saviour

She is just a trigger. One of the unaware ones. In a sense, I am grateful to her. Not only for myself but for the other two girls, too. She is our nemesis. She drives us off the wall. Each … Continue reading

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Answers to questions, Advent W1

This week I needed some self support in overcoming my challenges. During the week of HOPE I decided to remind myself of the good things, particularly in areas where I feel the most challenged by negative thoughts. I created a … Continue reading

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Upclose and personal

Good God! A 4-hour chatting marathon. It helped me understand that I was hanging in the void for quite some time thinking that I was with God but I actually wasn’t. When I realized this I felt cheated and very lost.  I … Continue reading

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Shreds of Thought

The wounded are the best healers. I would like to give the kids in my care the opportunity to know God, or rather I’d like to prevent them from loosing God’s Love. I don’t seem to be able to heal … Continue reading

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Servant of Love

This morning I asked God why He gives me this amazing ability, this heightened level of perception to see beyond the surface, that I call intelligence? I questioned why he allowed me to have access to such great depths of … Continue reading

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Miss sassy

As I was dusting off those long forgotten parts of me, I discovered my little hidden treasures. I realized that it is not only that I am passionate about drawing and cartoons but I am one of them! I am actually full of … Continue reading

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On meditation

“If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37) With reference to “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” Beas mentions the Nectar and the cup that could hold the Nectar if … Continue reading

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Letting go and accepting

I have been pushing this for a long time. I have been trying to make FW my home. I have gone extensive length with zero result. ‘It is obvious now that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I pretended … Continue reading

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Needs and being in service

This morning I had a thought about needs. I came to the conclusion that I put others’ needs before mines are met because I don’t think that I can meet mine (the reason behind it is different for all of … Continue reading

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Unforgiven

I feel depleted, resourceless and empty. I have nothing to offer. I hang on to this extremely unhealthy environment trying to fix it, organize it, hold it together. Helplessly. I have completely forgotten about myself. I am surrounded with needy people … Continue reading

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Being heard and needs met

I am shaking with fear, frustration, anger and a sense of helplessness. How loud will I need to be this time so to be heard? As if I was an invisible water bubble hanging from the ceiling, nobody notices my … Continue reading

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21 06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

As I was walking home from walking 🙂 and was watching the waves licking the stone shore soft, I realized that though I am at the wrong place again with some unknown reason, I am still at the best possible place … Continue reading

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A helpless creature

A helpless creature at the mercy of the universe. That is the result of a decade of contemplation. Fabulous! Apparently the journey is about self-discovery – with a slight twist, obviously. Self-discovery actually means that you eventually meet a monster … Continue reading

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Fear and helplessness

Fear has a strange effect on people. As we all very well know, fear stems from our sense of separation, a sense of loneliness, desertedness or godlessness. We feel utterly vulnerably in an unpredictable and cruel world that only there … Continue reading

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The helpless competent

It is a rather sad existence when you lose your illusions of who you think you are. Particularly when you think that you are some hot-shot almighty. A Self running on the fuel of a sense of helplessness and defencelessness … Continue reading

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Worthiness

I am reading Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee.  So, Love is supposed to be a fiery love affair. Well, I don’t believe in “the artful postures of Love”.  I do not see or experience … Continue reading

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5.06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Law of attraction – What I hate I attract. Here we go again! This morning I was talking about the law of attraction or Murphy’s Law, we attract what we focus on the most. As evidence shows, I must focus … Continue reading

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3.06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

I have realized that in some way I am at fault. I am creating this mess around me. Not sure how though. I keep on trying to create a so-called inter-supportive relationships where both our strength are maximized by combined … Continue reading

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29.05. “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Dream I am feeling rather worried. I tried but could hardly medi this morning. I was looking forward to our LAFing but nobody was available this morning to listen to my whining. Must be a sign … what do all … Continue reading

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26.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

A Letter … Over all, it feels as if I am in some kind of a waiting again. I am rather relaxed about it all. I am not anxious, I simply don’t care much what happens. It is very uncomfortable … Continue reading

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24.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Vibrations I am amazed to see how well I surround myself with abuse. Probably, the saddest thing is that it is set up in an invisible pattern of events, stimuli and responses. Nobody notices. Some completely ignore it, not even noticing the … Continue reading

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22.5 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

This morning This morning during my meditation I felt a strong need for closeness, being held and embraced in kind arms. I just wanted to experience some safety in the mist of this confusion and aimlessness I am going through. … Continue reading

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My reflection

Here we go again. Journeying on, on Hell’s roller coaster. Here comes again, another round of disaster for the sake of salvation. Though we have moved countries and over 2000 kilometres, we haven’t moved and inch. Here I am surrounded with … Continue reading

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The Maze

It is like a maze without and exit, for most of us, anyway. We are going around, lost within its patterns, on the tiny paths. It keeps us amazed and hopeful at every turn, that there might be an exit … Continue reading

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Why don’t you lift me out?

So, it is all my fault. Somewhere along the way I lost track of the Path I left your Garden Now I wonder aimlessly in the wilderness. You seem to have lost track of me, too! Have you not noticed? … Continue reading

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Hafiz, the master poet

Today is Valentine’s Day and I was wondering what it is I could do to make myself of my own Valentine? So, I decided to read some ‘Love’ poems. As I was wondering whose poetry to indulge into, the first … Continue reading

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I heard you Calling

I heard you Calling I called back. You don’t seem to have heard my response Am I not loud enough for you? YES! DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID, YES. I said, yes, and I mean it. I am not … Continue reading

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My wicked spirituality

Everything is perfect. When Louise said this, I realized that hearing that phrase is like hearing that everything happens for a reason. It’s a tough message to swallow when faced with tragedy or deep pain of any kind. But, by … Continue reading

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The lessons to learn

In the past few weeks, I have been scanning and reading my old diaries from 35 to 10/15 years ago. Though many things have changed since then, actually nothing has changed. The main troubles and issues of mine are exactly … Continue reading

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The Adventure of Lent

Did you know that the origin of Lent was really about spending 40 days contemplating and ‘choosing your own adventure’? When I originally started thinking about Len, my first thoughts were, obviously, about what to give up for this Lenten … Continue reading

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Pain and the glass-ball

I have been having this unbearable pain that feels as if someone was sitting on my chest making me suffocate slowly for a while. It is so beyond bearable that I went to see a neurologist and ended up taking … Continue reading

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Just thoughts …

I am resigned, submissive and acquiescent. I fight no more. I can’t make a difference, what is more, I can’t even say full-heartedly that there is a need for any change. Who am I to imply that, anyway? The meek, the blessed … Continue reading

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My shit, your shit

We all deal with some shit. It occasionally looks enormous, and sometimes we do not even notice its existence. However, the more you dig into your own shit to see what it is made of, the more you realize its … Continue reading

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I am sorry! Please, forgive me!

It all started before I was born. I failed many people. I did not keep to my word and I could help them reach Nirvana. Upon dying I was struggling with immense amount of guilt, a sense of incompletion and … Continue reading

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Reflections

We are limited reflections to one another. We reflect our stubborness in our limitations. I am stubborn and unwilling to enter the Grace of God and stay there. She is stubborn and unwilling to let of the illusion that she is … Continue reading

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It won’t hurt, don’t be afraid!

I just would like you to consider what I tell you. I don’t want you to act in accordance with my words. Don’t be afraid, my words don’t hurt. Neither will your actions if you align them with your own … Continue reading

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My failed experiment

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path. I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am … Continue reading

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My normal life

I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I … Continue reading

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Loved

You don’t love me! I am feeling unlovable as if fallen out of favour for a life time. I am feeling betrayed and rejected. Half of humanity rejects me out of fear of the unknown, the different. The other half … Continue reading

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My abnormal life

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging. If I could chose, I would want … Continue reading

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Fear and Love

“We attract the same energy we give out. …” Well, I am puzzled. The experiences I have been having these past two days are rather odious. I started advertizing a program I am supposed to run and a lady started … Continue reading

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Frozen

It amazes me that there is always another layer of depression under any depth of depression. There is always a way to feel a bit shittier than yesterday. I hear myself say “you have a choice here, man! You either … Continue reading

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My life in (non) acceptance

I suspect that all that is present in my Life right now is a reflection of my inner world. Let’s have a look. I am homeless. I am taken in by my family who consists of three people: an anger … Continue reading

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Lost in transition

Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I … Continue reading

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The vicious circle of feeling undeserving

I have been very angry … I have been angry all my life, or most of it anyway, but recently it is a very weird kind of anger. I am painfully angry. so far, my anger was mostly vindictive, I … Continue reading

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My wayside spirituality

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making … Continue reading

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Connection

I have run out of tools. Not as if I had many before. I had two. I screamed and shouted to let the other person know that whatever is happening is not OK with me. They did not get it. … Continue reading

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Two of my women

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a … Continue reading

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I am enough!

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Self-Care

I  have neither the time nor energy for a lot of things that need attending, especially myself. I have an exhausted body, low energy level, slight depression creeping in now, and an always ready soul who just does not get … Continue reading

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The Self-Abuser Squad

I am sitting here alone (my preference) reflecting on the past few months. I have recently realized how much self-abuse I inflict on myself that causes me to become a so-called ‘suffering cow’. Why on Earth, you might ask, would … Continue reading

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Never look back

Gen  19: “16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters, Jehovah being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth, and … Continue reading

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Love is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how … Continue reading

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Moving on

Feeling stupid. How could I do this to myself? How could I believe for even a second that it will turn out to be great. And it didn’t. I am at one of my worst’s and there is nobody to … Continue reading

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The pain of resistance

I heard once that the pain comes from resisting life, resisting living life for what it is. The pain is the price that we pay for wanting something else, complaining for not having what we think we should have while … Continue reading

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Sadness

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” Khalil Gibran How appropriate! The garden of good and evil*. Between the Earth and the Heavens. I suspect that until one chooses the garden of good and so lives in the garden … Continue reading

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Freedom

“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.” Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own … Continue reading

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Uncomfortable

I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me … Continue reading

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My creation

I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill.  It feels as if God has never existed; hid … Continue reading

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Schizophrenic

Most people, I know, has a demon inside him that either horrifies him or criticize him vigorously. My demon is a Nazi army officer. She tells me what a stupid and useless person I am, how ridiculous I am, especially, … Continue reading

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Victim of abuse

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why. Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being … Continue reading

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I fell in Love

I fell in Love with God A long, long time ago. Our relationship is like most Old couples’; I am grumpy when I feel let down And He is forever forgiving Towards all my flaws. The passion has deceased Still … Continue reading

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Unique

Living who I TRULY am is my Service to God and To all His children I ever meet in this course of life This way I am a living example of his Loving – for us all His loving is … Continue reading

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Mea culpa

You either abuse me or take me for dirt And still it is my fault Mea culpa Obviously I am incapable of presenting and communicating myself As a respectable human being Though, I can’t think how I would be able … Continue reading

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Sophisticated shit vs. grace

Interestingly her issues after all reflect mine too. I don’t think I am so far off, but I do see myself reflected in her behaviour. I am reserved meaning I withhold myself from others in protection of my integrity and … Continue reading

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My smell

It is like an unmistakable smell animals trace for their pray. I can stand miles away, my smell caught by the needy. My unspoken promise – to sort it all out, have all the answers and take all the responsibility … Continue reading

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Death

She hates her life so much that no matter how much she is scared of death – the last breath of human existence – the very thought of death being the release and setting one free from the unbearable agony … Continue reading

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