Category Archives: The Journey

The daily life and thoughts of a wayfarer aka personal accounts of events both on the inner and on the outer plane.

He&She

‘He’ He is the statue of passivity and repressed anger. He functions like Pavlov’s dog, most predictably: when questioned about his lack of touch with anything around him or his lack of care for anything but the games that takes … Continue reading

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My greatest shame and guilt

I have wondered all my adult life what it is that I am so ashamed of, that I feel so guilty about. Today it downed on me – I am ashamed of being a ‘Hungarian’ as if it meant being … Continue reading

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Mother’s day

Well, today is mother’s day. My mother asked me why I have drawn a flower for her. I said , ‘because I don’t have the means to go out and get you a bunch’. She said, ‘no, no, I mean … Continue reading

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Life owes me nothing

There was nobody available for us children To take care, to hold, to lead To love We grew like mushrooms after a hard rain The others learnt to protect themselves By pleasing others and disappearing behind a cloud of Self-destruction … Continue reading

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Her

She reminds me of my mother Selfish pretending to be kind and supportive Though all her actions are driven by one single cause To feel safe and protected   Each time I think of her I see her smile and … Continue reading

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Forgiveness

The  punishment is justified I am bad, bad, bad … Nobody can prove me wrong Nobody can prove otherwise I have been told too many times To change my mind about it My heart is set on the purgatory The … Continue reading

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My brother

My brother is an addict Like a brainless zombie His eyes are forever fixed on the screen His brain is captured by dragons and demons Click, click, click … Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years pass Without him realizing His … Continue reading

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A whole in my heart

Loneliness shot a hole through my heart I fell on the ground Tears like blood poured out From the hole of a bottomless well That used to be my heart

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The Beauty and the Beast

The Beauty and the Beast Are the same person. The day when her heart froze with fear and loneliness The Beauty was cast a magic spell and turned into the loveless Beast … and so she survived the worst … … Continue reading

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To sum it up

Though I am scared of vanishing I am also hoping that this ends here Because there is not much more of this I can bear Not as if I am not grateful that I got this chance – That I … Continue reading

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My mother

Her bitterness is like a dart that pierces our hearts. We all want her to be happy, we all respond in our own special way. I want her to change: to pick up her pieces, take responsibility for her life … Continue reading

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I should know better …

I am not willing to let go of the desire to make them see who I am, how good I am, how special and unique I am. But they never see me. They see somebody who they think I am. … Continue reading

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Revenge 3

It is so not my job to punish you for your betrayal For your actions that take away the very essence Of your intentions You gladly do that for me You take revenge for me By doing what you have … Continue reading

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Revenge 2

How funny. I hit and missed bit time I hit an innocent lamb. How sad. Best revenge? Letting it go and trusting providence. Not as if I know what that is. Patience, patience, patience … and a scream!

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Revenge

Oh, all that loving is out the window. I can’t think of anything else but taking revenge!’ I must repay the pain caused, Showing the sinner a ‘good’ time! So typical! Well, I am not proud of it. I must … Continue reading

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Merry Christmas!

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Love (Christmas) is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how … Continue reading

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Betray

You sneak in you betray the silence and sadly, you only rob yourself from the experience of your own truth.  

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Homelessness

I fly like a bird over the vast blue sky daily I am admired by many for being free But they don’t see the cage that I drag behind me With a label on it saying: in exile I fly … Continue reading

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I became who I am

a true Artist 🙂 Thank you!

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Life and Death

For most of us, Life is simply dying slowly and painfully. (IK)

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Gaining clarity

It came to me today. To go on, I go back. I go back to a place where one sells oneself for money. Not as if other places down here are any different, but in this particular place it is … Continue reading

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The end of a road

I try not to be very upset. I compose myself again and again, I remind myself to have faith in the unknown, and just look exactly at what’s in front of me My stomach aches, it is full of fear … Continue reading

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Security

Between you and me there is a rock. I thought you had built it, but then I realized It is me who keeps the distance between us. I have been climbing my rock for years now, and occasionally I sense … Continue reading

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Yes or NO? That is the question

I am just soooooooooooo fed up. I can’t deal with it more. I don’t have more of what it takes to be disciplined. I had enough of it. I can’t … I can’t … I am angry and frustrated. I … Continue reading

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Providence

Providence “The Providence of God is His care over his works.” “His children are assured of His providential care in all their concerns. Its acts are threefold; preservation, co-operation, and government. He controls all things for the highest good of … Continue reading

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Dead End Road

I feel like a goose on thin ice, we say, when you are out of your natural habitat and can’t find your way out of a deadlock. I stay where I am because I have no other choice. I would … Continue reading

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It is only a step on the ladder

It makes me feel foolish and wrong. It takes my sense of joy away in an instant. It cuts me off from my own self with harsh and cruel words. I became afraid that I have done something and all … Continue reading

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I rest at your feet

I kneel at your feet. I am momentarily relieved from the burdens from my lower existence. I am freed from my bondage. I rest at peace until I am pulled back down to the madness of this world. I can’t … Continue reading

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I am in Love

It seems I have been looking for you forever. I always knew what I was looking for still I allowed myself to be deceived by the poor reflections of what your love can offer. I have tried to find you … Continue reading

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Service

At first, I thought my meaning was to serve my family. Then, I thought I was here to serve my community. Then, I figured it must be my nation I needed to serve. And finally it downed on me – … Continue reading

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Humble servant

I am an instrument of your Love. I am only here because of you. Only for you. I carry your Love wherever you direct me to. I spread the Light wherever I go. You care for me. You feed me … Continue reading

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Your sweet-sweet love

I am waiting for you at dawn. I sit and hold the silence as preciously as I can so you can arrive. If I am focused enough you appear with your sweet-sweet love to embrace me and carry me to … Continue reading

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Silence

There is something majestic about the silence that lingers between us in this deserted house. It is ancient, wise and everlasting. It holds it secrets of many lives long past. It waits patiently for the seeking soul to whisper its … Continue reading

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I am longing

I am longing for you to love me. I miss you. There is this coldness on the right side of my wedding bed. You wave at me from the distance. I smile back. I hold my breath in excitement until … Continue reading

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Shield of glass

I see through you. I can see the light behind your shield. Still I am away from it. I am scratching endlessly on you to make create a whole or at least a scratch that would allow me to slip … Continue reading

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God

God is like the ocean. It is ever calm, ever present, ever moving and almightily powerful. Still It does not care whether you are swimming in It or marveling at It from the shore. (IK)

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Complain

Each time you complain you give evidence of your own incompetence (IK)

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Abuse

I don’t even notice when you call me stupid or raise your voice to a pitch that is not audible for human beings. I am simply not aware that you make yourself and your need much more important than any … Continue reading

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My day off

Today I am taking a day off. I am taking a day off from my miseries and fears. I walk away from my insecurities and panics. Only for one day I forget about my marriage vows of being a faithful … Continue reading

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In detention

For not performing according to expectations. Bad girl! Pain creeps in first around the joints, just as a hint of warning: it’s too much to bear, too heavy. Then a light headache and some wake nights and the odd hollow … Continue reading

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I am dancing

When I start moving my legs feel like roman temple pillars, heavy and awkward. My arms feel like broken wings. My body feels as if stuck in a 100 year old barrel on seashore. And still, as soon as the … Continue reading

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Safety

Each time I turn to find a fix point in my life I look into thin air. Since he’s gone I have nowhere to turn to. Like a child before the big jump off the monkey bars or after the … Continue reading

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Have you noticed?

Have you noticed the dangling heads of the streets? Eyes glued to the pavement, grey with inerasable dirt and waste. We look down. Down into a small portion of Life, that is usually scary and untangleable.  And the more we … Continue reading

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Fear engraved in stone

She has been living with me for so long that I don’t notice when she starts kicking and screaming. When I was younger I experienced her as an invader who webbed every cell in my brain making it crash with … Continue reading

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Understanding

I need you to understand me and when you don’t I cry and blame you for not listening well. Though it is me who is unclear and feels ashamed of it.

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Paths of the Beloved

I am living many lives on one allowance.  Rise and fall again not only with time but within one capsule. I make something of myself, walk along a course until the end then fall in to a pit. I get … Continue reading

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A body of time

There is only this body of time to make it all the way. I pray so to use my time wisely. Every day I am more focused ad decided: I’ll go now. I pray: let it be your wish my … Continue reading

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Incompetence

We meet regularly. She is like a huge veil of challenge. Each time I look into her eyes, my temperature rises, my blood boils, the eyes open – I scream. Then suddenly I realize that it is all me. I … Continue reading

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Whisper

Whisper to me intimately like a lover for tenderness is rare in this world. It is difficult to convey the magic of love to those who are made of dust.

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White wedding

There is a little girl inside me wearing pink, desperately waiting for her prince and her white wedding hidden in a faraway corner of my mind.

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A chance of change

And suddenly the whole world seems to erupt and turn around. Mountains start shaking their skin and volcanoes’ erupt, avalanches cannot be contained anymore; the rivers disgorge refuse undigested; fruit don’t ripe; flowers forget to bloom; trees refuse to bloom; … Continue reading

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A child like you

I wish I could be a child like you. You are careless of the world around you, existing only in the world you created for yourself. In your world, in your selfish little world, you feel deprived of something all … Continue reading

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Acceptance

Accept that life didn’t turn out to be the way you expected it. Let go of the dreams of small girls for happiness. Accept that he is never gonna show up, not even one day. Accept that there is no … Continue reading

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20 years

What’s left after 20 years? There is hardly anything to leave behind before the big travel.  A few pans and saucers for the poor and worn out clothes for the Cancer Research. A bag full of new life, that is … Continue reading

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Gratitude

When it gets crappy, not feeling so good about life and all, suddenly I read or hear about something that makes me feel  grateful.  Today I read an article about heroin addicts. And it suddenly downed on me how lucky … Continue reading

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Life

The happiest is the one who is aligned with oneself in his/her  every deeds. Life lived to the fullest is only worth living. (IK)

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Enlightenment

When you choose the path of enlightenment you’d better expect the unexpected and accept the insensible. Life is not about living any more. It is about dying now.

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Miserable

The dark, wet sky sits upon the lungs and makes it heavy to breathe. It is sticky and stuck. It is gloomy and miserable. When it stays long enough it unveils the loneliness in the loveless heart. Mere existence looks … Continue reading

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I miss you

I still miss you. I still miss your firm hands and arms that once held me up. Your face that lit up when you looked at me. I miss you protecting my vulnerable heart. I miss you have never asked … Continue reading

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Scream

Why scream? Why would you scream like a four year old? Why do you behave if you were a helpless infant? What do you need that you can’t get otherwise only via pretending to be a child? What do you … Continue reading

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The great spider

My room mates and immediate neighbours are little eight-legged creatures. Old traditions say that having spiders around the house brings luck to the household. I must be the luckiest person in the world living with at least 20 of them. … Continue reading

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Sadness and anxiety

If I were any sadder I would be depressed but I stopped just at the verge of the two. I am swimming in the great ocean of my own sweat called angst. The water is made heavy with my distress … Continue reading

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Like an old house

What would you think about a place of spider webs and mice? How would I feel if I were this house? I’d feel deserted and uncared for.  I’d feel unwanted, being waited upon decaying to death slowly.  I’d feel like … Continue reading

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One room

The house smells lifeless and damp. Cobwebs everywhere proving once there was life within these walls but has moved out and left only its shell behind that is covered entirely with threads now. As I walk on the ancient parquets … Continue reading

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to be continued …

The journey has not stopped. I am only at a different station now. Let’s see what this place brings to me.

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Lonely homelessness

Up until now I have not registered how lonely it can get. I am too used to the noise of the loved ones, the careless laughter and the sweet talks. I got spoiled by the sweet old beggar. Now I … Continue reading

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Whose decision is it anyway?

It is funny when I think and truly believe that the decision is mine I suddenly realize that it has never been mine. At some point it was my parents, then my teachers, then my boyfriends’ then… There was always … Continue reading

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How is it gonna end?

Everything seems to be falling apart so much that it scares me. I wonder whether my dream will end on a high note. Or was it just a dream and now I am waking into a world of shadows again, … Continue reading

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Should I stay or should I go?

It has been going on for over a week now and I am still hesitant. Should I stay or should I go?  Clever people say when you can pose the question you already have the answer inside of you, you … Continue reading

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The quest to return

It is so easy to get lost in the daily tasks of what we call reality. It all becomes a blur of todo’s and not-todo’s, millions of thoughts, information, concrete, soil, water and air. We become forgetful about the breath … Continue reading

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I am home

The huge skies of the world hung over us like a fluffy blanket. This whole business with places and homes are crazy. Looking out the window of the train carriage I am travelling in gives me the view of huge … Continue reading

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Desperate

Women are desperate for some attention after a certain age, unmarried … married. Some do it with grace, some with gusto and some with greed. The smallest, kindest gesture can bring smile to a long-forgotten face. Desperate or not, what … Continue reading

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Competition

I look at you and know you mean no harm and still I react like I always did with a fierce fist. I feel I need to compete with you for the scarce attention of my caretakers.

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Lost lamb

You act like a lost lamb, selfish and kicking. It makes me defensive. You take up all the space available while you pretend to be small and fragile. I am big and still fit a rabbit hole. Things are not … Continue reading

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Love and care

With time I realized when we truly love and care for ourselves, when we are honest about ourselves and our desires that it is when we love the other.  There is no blockage. Our inner light cradles the other. (IK)

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Intentions

The result of your actions is your intention bared. (IK)

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America

I remember now that feeling I felt the first time I came to America. Loneliness. It is the land of the lonely hunters. What is funny that though family and community is valued and maintained naturally the sense of loneliness … Continue reading

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Part of God

I am that part of god that is creative, artistic and musical! 🙂

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My old and new package

I allow you to stand in front of me and around me to block me from the Light of Life. It is not your fault. Nor is it really mine.  Still it is my life. I learnt early on that … Continue reading

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My playmate

I don’t believe in love – neither at first nor at second sight. I do clinging, attachment, dependency and then the opposite. I used to call it love. I learnt that being in love with another is a strong feeling … Continue reading

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Your words and my colours

Letters and words like clouds hang above our heads. You verbalize. You have a story to tell. You analyze. You think. You contemplate.I wonder. I don’t know what to do with the words you throw at me. Your letters roll … Continue reading

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We live in different worlds

You meant no harm, actually you wanted to protect me when you started to drag me into your world. You told me about a scary world of goods and bads and wanted me to be safe by knowing what you … Continue reading

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Good or bad?

I wonder what it is like for you Being so good an all. You hold your head high Smile like you were taught Do the right things, ask the right questions Make sure life is the way it is expected … Continue reading

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What’s with attachment?

I thought attachment went only one way Me attached to you. I need you (for whatever reasons), so I attach myself to you; I love you and in return you love me. Clean cut. Actually, there is a cleaver way … Continue reading

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When I dance

When I dance The world opens up and swings with me I float in air Like floating in water My body becomes weightless I stand like a princess on her wedding day Tall, slim and spectacular. When I dance I … Continue reading

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The meaning of control

You let me down. Again and again. Fear set in. And so I thought , I must make sure you can’t let me down again. I took the sceptre and made myself king of the tribe. I raised my voice. … Continue reading

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It is not my job

It is not my job to tell you How to live your life I don’t even know how to live mine. It is not my job to tell you You are making a mistake You will figure it out for … Continue reading

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Frightened girls

What is the child posture for you, It is the red face of the bitter anger for me. What hinders us is our greatest treasure The wall we created between us and the world To be protected in times of … Continue reading

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Sacrifice

Sacrifice is a meaningless effort appearing worthwhile. (IK)

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G r o w

You don’t allow yourself to grow! You withhold the food that would nurture and nourish you into maturity You don’t allow your child’s body to grow into a woman’s figure You stop yourself launching yourself into the deep end of  … Continue reading

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There is only now

I am constantly in waiting – waiting for some change to occur so my life becomes magically fancy, happy and glamorous. I am waiting for my excess weight to disappear; that I just suddenly stop judging other and myself; to … Continue reading

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My needs

As long as you are here You are taking up all the space There is not much left for me You are needy You can’t do it alone I can I find my answers And can ask my questions When … Continue reading

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Mirror

We are like two faces of the same mirror, reflecting back to each another what we are not willing to see.

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Halted

A bad halt again. I am stuck. Nothing seems to have happened still anger and frustration set in not allowing me to move on. I am being held captive in my own net of brain waves. Nothing I can do. … Continue reading

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The price

For holding onto the mask we created to present ourselves in the world; we pay a huge price – our authenticity and peace of mind. (IK)

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My personal wall

My personally built wall that I placed between you and me is made of anger and bitterness. I feel that you let me down at that very time I needed you the most. And now you ask me to trust … Continue reading

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Come with me!

Tired of the load we carry. I worry too much. You try too hard. Lets ease up! Lets have fun! Lets forget about the pains of this world and move to greener pastures! Come with me, dear friend!

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Mirrors of chances

You wait for a chance of maturity. I wait for a moment of innocence. I see the offerings now. Your childlike enthusiasm drives me nuts. I don’t believe in fairy tales any more. Maybe, I never did. My childhood passed … Continue reading

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Ascension

My chains are pulling me down. I wish I could fly the great open skies, the vast planes, the Universe. But my wings are too weak to carry the magnet dish attached to the end of my metal chains. I … Continue reading

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