Category Archives: The Journey

Daily life and thoughts of a wayfarer

Humble servant

I am an instrument of your Love. I am only here because of you. Only for you. I carry your Love wherever you direct me to. I spread the Light wherever I go. You care for me. You feed me … Continue reading

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Your sweet-sweet love

I am waiting for you at dawn. I sit and hold the silence as preciously as I can so you can arrive. If I am focused enough you appear with your sweet-sweet love to embrace me and carry me to … Continue reading

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Silence

There is something majestic about the silence that lingers between us in this deserted house. It is ancient, wise and everlasting. It holds it secrets of many lives long past. It waits patiently for the seeking soul to whisper its … Continue reading

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I am longing

I am longing for you to love me. I miss you. There is this coldness on the right side of my wedding bed. You wave at me from the distance. I smile back. I hold my breath in excitement until … Continue reading

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Shield of glass

I see through you. I can see the light behind your shield. Still I am away from it. I am scratching endlessly on you to make create a whole or at least a scratch that would allow me to slip … Continue reading

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God

God is like the ocean. It is ever calm, ever present, ever moving and almightily powerful. Still It does not care whether you are swimming in It or marveling at It from the shore. (IK)

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Complain

Each time you complain you give evidence of your own incompetence (IK)

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Abuse

I don’t even notice when you call me stupid or raise your voice to a pitch that is not audible for human beings. I am simply not aware that you make yourself and your need much more important than any … Continue reading

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My day off

Today I am taking a day off. I am taking a day off from my miseries and fears. I walk away from my insecurities and panics. Only for one day I forget about my marriage vows of being a faithful … Continue reading

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In detention

For not performing according to expectations. Bad girl! Pain creeps in first around the joints, just as a hint of warning: it’s too much to bear, too heavy. Then a light headache and some wake nights and the odd hollow … Continue reading

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I am dancing

When I start moving my legs feel like roman temple pillars, heavy and awkward. My arms feel like broken wings. My body feels as if stuck in a 100 year old barrel on seashore. And still, as soon as the … Continue reading

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Safety

Each time I turn to find a fix point in my life I look into thin air. Since he’s gone I have nowhere to turn to. Like a child before the big jump off the monkey bars or after the … Continue reading

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Have you noticed?

Have you noticed the dangling heads of the streets? Eyes glued to the pavement, grey with inerasable dirt and waste. We look down. Down into a small portion of Life, that is usually scary and untangleable.  And the more we … Continue reading

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Fear engraved in stone

She has been living with me for so long that I don’t notice when she starts kicking and screaming. When I was younger I experienced her as an invader who webbed every cell in my brain making it crash with … Continue reading

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Understanding

I need you to understand me and when you don’t I cry and blame you for not listening well. Though it is me who is unclear and feels ashamed of it.

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Paths of the Beloved

I am living many lives on one allowance.  Rise and fall again not only with time but within one capsule. I make something of myself, walk along a course until the end then fall in to a pit. I get … Continue reading

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A body of time

There is only this body of time to make it all the way. I pray so to use my time wisely. Every day I am more focused ad decided: I’ll go now. I pray: let it be your wish my … Continue reading

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Incompetence

We meet regularly. She is like a huge veil of challenge. Each time I look into her eyes, my temperature rises, my blood boils, the eyes open – I scream. Then suddenly I realize that it is all me. I … Continue reading

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Whisper

Whisper to me intimately like a lover for tenderness is rare in this world. It is difficult to convey the magic of love to those who are made of dust.

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White wedding

There is a little girl inside me wearing pink, desperately waiting for her prince and her white wedding hidden in a faraway corner of my mind.

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A chance of change

And suddenly the whole world seems to erupt and turn around. Mountains start shaking their skin and volcanoes’ erupt, avalanches cannot be contained anymore; the rivers disgorge refuse undigested; fruit don’t ripe; flowers forget to bloom; trees refuse to bloom; … Continue reading

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A child like you

I wish I could be a child like you. You are careless of the world around you, existing only in the world you created for yourself. In your world, in your selfish little world, you feel deprived of something all … Continue reading

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Acceptance

Accept that life didn’t turn out to be the way you expected it. Let go of the dreams of small girls for happiness. Accept that he is never gonna show up, not even one day. Accept that there is no … Continue reading

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20 years

What’s left after 20 years? There is hardly anything to leave behind before the big travel.  A few pans and saucers for the poor and worn out clothes for the Cancer Research. A bag full of new life, that is … Continue reading

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Gratitude

When it gets crappy, not feeling so good about life and all, suddenly I read or hear about something that makes me feel  grateful.  Today I read an article about heroin addicts. And it suddenly downed on me how lucky … Continue reading

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Life

The happiest is the one who is aligned with oneself in his/her  every deeds. Life lived to the fullest is only worth living. (IK)

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Enlightenment

When you choose the path of enlightenment you’d better expect the unexpected and accept the insensible. Life is not about living any more. It is about dying now.

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Miserable

The dark, wet sky sits upon the lungs and makes it heavy to breathe. It is sticky and stuck. It is gloomy and miserable. When it stays long enough it unveils the loneliness in the loveless heart. Mere existence looks … Continue reading

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I miss you

I still miss you. I still miss your firm hands and arms that once held me up. Your face that lit up when you looked at me. I miss you protecting my vulnerable heart. I miss you have never asked … Continue reading

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Scream

Why scream? Why would you scream like a four year old? Why do you behave if you were a helpless infant? What do you need that you can’t get otherwise only via pretending to be a child? What do you … Continue reading

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The great spider

My room mates and immediate neighbours are little eight-legged creatures. Old traditions say that having spiders around the house brings luck to the household. I must be the luckiest person in the world living with at least 20 of them. … Continue reading

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Sadness and anxiety

If I were any sadder I would be depressed but I stopped just at the verge of the two. I am swimming in the great ocean of my own sweat called angst. The water is made heavy with my distress … Continue reading

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Like an old house

What would you think about a place of spider webs and mice? How would I feel if I were this house? I’d feel deserted and uncared for.  I’d feel unwanted, being waited upon decaying to death slowly.  I’d feel like … Continue reading

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One room

The house smells lifeless and damp. Cobwebs everywhere proving once there was life within these walls but has moved out and left only its shell behind that is covered entirely with threads now. As I walk on the ancient parquets … Continue reading

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to be continued …

The journey has not stopped. I am only at a different station now. Let’s see what this place brings to me.

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Lonely homelessness

Up until now I have not registered how lonely it can get. I am too used to the noise of the loved ones, the careless laughter and the sweet talks. I got spoiled by the sweet old beggar. Now I … Continue reading

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Whose decision is it anyway?

It is funny when I think and truly believe that the decision is mine I suddenly realize that it has never been mine. At some point it was my parents, then my teachers, then my boyfriends’ then… There was always … Continue reading

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How is it gonna end?

Everything seems to be falling apart so much that it scares me. I wonder whether my dream will end on a high note. Or was it just a dream and now I am waking into a world of shadows again, … Continue reading

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Should I stay or should I go?

It has been going on for over a week now and I am still hesitant. Should I stay or should I go?  Clever people say when you can pose the question you already have the answer inside of you, you … Continue reading

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The quest to return

It is so easy to get lost in the daily tasks of what we call reality. It all becomes a blur of todo’s and not-todo’s, millions of thoughts, information, concrete, soil, water and air. We become forgetful about the breath … Continue reading

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I am home

The huge skies of the world hung over us like a fluffy blanket. This whole business with places and homes are crazy. Looking out the window of the train carriage I am travelling in gives me the view of huge … Continue reading

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Desperate

Women are desperate for some attention after a certain age, unmarried … married. Some do it with grace, some with gusto and some with greed. The smallest, kindest gesture can bring smile to a long-forgotten face. Desperate or not, what … Continue reading

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Competition

I look at you and know you mean no harm and still I react like I always did with a fierce fist. I feel I need to compete with you for the scarce attention of my caretakers.

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Lost lamb

You act like a lost lamb, selfish and kicking. It makes me defensive. You take up all the space available while you pretend to be small and fragile. I am big and still fit a rabbit hole. Things are not … Continue reading

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Love and care

With time I realized when we truly love and care for ourselves, when we are honest about ourselves and our desires that it is when we love the other.  There is no blockage. Our inner light cradles the other. (IK)

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Intentions

The result of your actions is your intention bared. (IK)

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America

I remember now that feeling I felt the first time I came to America. Loneliness. It is the land of the lonely hunters. What is funny that though family and community is valued and maintained naturally the sense of loneliness … Continue reading

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Part of God

I am that part of god that is creative, artistic and musical!

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My old and new package

I allow you to stand in front of me and around me to block me from the Light of Life. It is not your fault. Nor is it really mine.  Still it is my life. I learnt early on that … Continue reading

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My playmate

I don’t believe in love – neither at first nor at second sight. I do clinging, attachment, dependency and then the opposite. I used to call it love. I learnt that being in love with another is a strong feeling … Continue reading

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Your words and my colours

Letters and words like clouds hang above our heads. You verbalize. You have a story to tell. You analyze. You think. You contemplate.I wonder. I don’t know what to do with the words you throw at me. Your letters roll … Continue reading

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We live in different worlds

You meant no harm, actually you wanted to protect me when you started to drag me into your world. You told me about a scary world of goods and bads and wanted me to be safe by knowing what you … Continue reading

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Good or bad?

I wonder what it is like for you Being so good an all. You hold your head high Smile like you were taught Do the right things, ask the right questions Make sure life is the way it is expected … Continue reading

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What’s with attachment?

I thought attachment went only one way Me attached to you. I need you (for whatever reasons), so I attach myself to you; I love you and in return you love me. Clean cut. Actually, there is a cleaver way … Continue reading

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When I dance

When I dance The world opens up and swings with me I float in air Like floating in water My body becomes weightless I stand like a princess on her wedding day Tall, slim and spectacular. When I dance I … Continue reading

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The meaning of control

You let me down. Again and again. Fear set in. And so I thought , I must make sure you can’t let me down again. I took the sceptre and made myself king of the tribe. I raised my voice. … Continue reading

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It is not my job

It is not my job to tell you How to live your life I don’t even know how to live mine. It is not my job to tell you You are making a mistake You will figure it out for … Continue reading

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Frightened girls

What is the child posture for you, It is the red face of the bitter anger for me. What hinders us is our greatest treasure The wall we created between us and the world To be protected in times of … Continue reading

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Sacrifice

Sacrifice is a meaningless effort appearing worthwhile. (IK)

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G r o w

You don’t allow yourself to grow! You withhold the food that would nurture and nourish you into maturity You don’t allow your child’s body to grow into a woman’s figure You stop yourself launching yourself into the deep end of  … Continue reading

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There is only now

I am constantly in waiting – waiting for some change to occur so my life becomes magically fancy, happy and glamorous. I am waiting for my excess weight to disappear; that I just suddenly stop judging other and myself; to … Continue reading

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My needs

As long as you are here You are taking up all the space There is not much left for me You are needy You can’t do it alone I can I find my answers And can ask my questions When … Continue reading

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Mirror

We are like two faces of the same mirror, reflecting back to each another what we are not willing to see.

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Halted

A bad halt again. I am stuck. Nothing seems to have happened still anger and frustration set in not allowing me to move on. I am being held captive in my own net of brain waves. Nothing I can do. … Continue reading

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The price

For holding onto the mask we created to present ourselves in the world; we pay a huge price – our authenticity and peace of mind. (IK)

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My personal wall

My personally built wall that I placed between you and me is made of anger and bitterness. I feel that you let me down at that very time I needed you the most. And now you ask me to trust … Continue reading

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Come with me!

Tired of the load we carry. I worry too much. You try too hard. Lets ease up! Lets have fun! Lets forget about the pains of this world and move to greener pastures! Come with me, dear friend!

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Mirrors of chances

You wait for a chance of maturity. I wait for a moment of innocence. I see the offerings now. Your childlike enthusiasm drives me nuts. I don’t believe in fairy tales any more. Maybe, I never did. My childhood passed … Continue reading

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Ascension

My chains are pulling me down. I wish I could fly the great open skies, the vast planes, the Universe. But my wings are too weak to carry the magnet dish attached to the end of my metal chains. I … Continue reading

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Streched

Slowly, the pebbles of fear become a stone of neurosis. Like your image of Jesus; you are streched on the cross of sin and punishment until the final breath.

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You lied!

This reminds me so much of my past. Looking at her as she is reading her books, nodding over a page cross legged and hunched making notes. It reminds me of the people who once told me how to live … Continue reading

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The little girl in a big shoe

She is funny. She needs to do something she has no idea how to do, and so she remembers how the adults would do it and imitates them. But the shoe is still too big for her. It is truly … Continue reading

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I wish

I wish I could just stop judging, Thinking that I know better, That I am aware of something nobody else is That the way I see Life is the only way to see it I wish I could stop wishing … Continue reading

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Loss and gain (two film reviews)

And so she is pregnant. It happened at the most unpropitious time of her life. She has just about decided (finally)to live his disillusioned and abusive husband – now that she has managed to hide enough money away from him … Continue reading

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Smudging your mirror dirty

It must remind you the day he waltzed into your lives. He entered without knocking or asking if it was all right to stay the night. At first you must have been delighted to welcome the newcomer and thought he … Continue reading

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I can’t live imprisoned in somebody else’s world

I don’t do the things you do. You like perfection and surround yourself with clarity and vision. I am massy and immaculate. I like the deep and the wild. Me, I am full of wounds like stamps of my adventurous … Continue reading

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Easy

It was just so easy. I can still hardly believe it! I just made the call. Note: it took me two days to get there. I spent two days in doom and gloom, not having faith at all that it … Continue reading

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Doom and glory

Is it really necessary to be so conscious about life? Where does wonder set in if I am constantly thinking about what is happening in my life and considering what the meaning of that is happening while hoping to take … Continue reading

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no more letting go

Please, don’t ask for more to let go of I don’t have anything else to give and whatever I still ’own’ please let me have them just a little longer You can take all my burdens You can take all … Continue reading

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The taxi man

He arrived, opened the boot of the car. I asked if he was the taxi-man. He did not get it. Then I said it – You are the taxi driver, aren’t you?. He said yes and approached me for my … Continue reading

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Hu-Man

There are the moments when I realize that I am a Hu-Man being and that God is ever present in my life, somewhere in there, wrapped up in the most unexpected ‘places’ waiting to be experienced.

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Saved

I am having EXPERIENCES again! Overweight charges on top of the luggage price. It is just sooooo UNFAIR! And hey, the sweetest thing about the whole nightmare experience of a ruthless official was my encounter with another official, a security … Continue reading

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My many different faces

Today I am a beautiful woman. I feel desired and the mirror likes me. When I am like this I know I can get what I want through being desirous. I tempt my pray into my huge spider web and … Continue reading

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En-lighten-ment

Enlightenment is being in light and being in the process of becoming ‘light’ (in all sense of the world) – ik

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Come on! Disobey me!

You drive me crazy with your obedience. Why don’t you say NO to me? At least once? Why don’t you disobey me? Tell me I am wrong; that you don’t agree; that I shouldn’t do it that way because it … Continue reading

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An ‘I know it all!’ morning

It is so silly! Why would want to do it that way? It makes no sense! Let me tell you how it is done properly. Oh dear, life is not meant to be lived that way. Let me explain you! … Continue reading

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Why?

Why do you hate the one that holds the light for you to see?

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Noise

When in silence one notices the constant chatter of the mind that is voiced during chatter – aimless and meaningless stream of words trying to appear in a context. (ik)

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Appearances

The couple arrived. Young and quirky. Self-confident and successful. They know what they want. They can relate to the world and fit in. They are everything I am not – of this world: sorted, jobs, life, car, the house, the … Continue reading

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Illness or opportunity?

Too much illness! Too much thinking about illness and focus on related issues like fundraising. Instead of looking beyond the illness itself – what does it present me with? What options or learning are there in there for me? What … Continue reading

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What would you give in return?

It is not your time! Hold back! Try and fit in! Worry if what you do is good enough! Think hard – is there anything else you could do to make it better, to ease the craze? Hide away! Become … Continue reading

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The visit

Her house is in the prairie. Or in the woods more like. Surrounded by acres of woods, well mowed lawn and a lake. A huge house empty, waiting to be filled with joy and laughter again – as it used … Continue reading

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I said my good-byes

Today I remembered the funeral again … The tears, that were running down my face as I was looking at the casket of the man I had never met inhis life, were clearing my soul. Still he looked all so … Continue reading

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Half-closed eyes

In constant fight with the world; with one person, with the system whatever the inner tension meets. Built up insecurities hunt the tired mind to take control and put this messed up world right. In vain. Exhaustion takes the places … Continue reading

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L.A.F.

Observing what there is Being OK with what others think or do See what the situation has on offer for me Taking the offering Letting be Staying still Walking on water

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Shut down and functional vs sunbeams

As soon as I hit the doors of the lower world, verily it makes sure I have an impact. I immediately start to shut down. I can’t maintain my openness, kindness, joyfulness any more. Fear sets in. Fear of being … Continue reading

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Manic

No time for living but functioning Quick reactions to apparent impulses Hurt to hurt, ashes to ashes All make sacrifices for one another This time they care for one another so deeply that the connection becomes a heavy chain Manic … Continue reading

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the blind

Painfully blind the one that only sees that his mind commands him Forever contented is the one – when the mind is blind, the Eye sees the Universe in its full glory (ik)

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Stand Still

It is basically manic – frantic, or both. I am hiding behind work that I don’t have. I pretend that I have a lot to do because my surrounding is always busy. Manic and frantic. Not manic would mean they … Continue reading

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Loners

Loners don’t take the time to be with others. They go about their own business all the time, not noticing the chances that pass by connecting with others, learning from them, sharing with them – leaving their marks on the … Continue reading

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