As I am heading back to the UK to work, I sadly noticed how dissatisfied I was with my life. It is not that I am not grateful for what I am given. Neither is it about not being expecting to be rich or running my own company or having some giant deal going on for me in the world. It is simply the nagging feeling that I somehow block myself to be the Best of Me.
Though I doubted my abilities for decades after having been put down and been told what a useless human being I was. Now, I know what I can offer, I also know what actions bring me a sense of flow and satisfaction. I am still not doing them. Not much anyway.
I keep on finding myself either pursuing some crazy creative venture that usually generates a lot of debt but never succeeds or making money paying the debts back. It seems impossible to find balance, stability, regularity and steady development. I seem to pop in and out of projects that somehow never stabilize and become permanent.
I am sad that I cannot find the ‘whatever it takes for me’ to settle and contribute. Something always goes wrong, particularly in the field of ‘human relations’. Interestingly, I know a lot about human nature, I can support people easily to succeed and heal but I do not seem to be able to do the same for myself. Like Hierophant, (1) the great Geek Healer who is partly human and partly a beast, I do not seem to be able to heal myself.
I struggle along the journey of my life. I collect experiences but I have nowhere to put them or offer them. I have so much to give. It may not seem like an overflow just now because I cannot give it to anyone. Neither to myself or others. I am separated to the ‘-man’ side of me and so I am separated from ‘-manity’, too.
I hang in the void unattached but not free. I am bound by my own fear of connecting with others. I am afraid to be disappointed.
(1) Hierophant – Greek Priest
Hierophant, Greek Hierophantēs, (“displayer of holy things”), in ancient Greece, chief of the Eleusinian cult, the best-known of the mystery religions of ancient Greece. His principal job was to chant demonstrations of sacred symbols during the celebration of the mysteries. At the opening of the ceremonies, he proclaimed that all unclean persons must stay away—a rule that he had the right to enforce.
Usually an old, celibate man with a forceful voice, he was selected from the Eumolpids, one of the original clans of the ancient Greek city of Eleusis, to serve for life. Upon taking office he symbolically cast his former name into the sea and was thereafter called only hierophantēs. During the ceremonies he wore a headband and a long, richly embroidered purple robe.