Fear engraved in stone

She has been living with me for so long that I don’t notice when she starts kicking and screaming. When I was younger I experienced her as an invader who webbed every cell in my brain making it crash with worry. As I grew, I leant to tame her with different types of distractions.  I started to engage my mind in different thoughts and when I realized that she ruled my entire system more than I did, I launched myself into control and action. As long as I moved, I was involved and physical I did not notice her grip. Alcohol, cigarettes, a one-night-stand, shopping, chatting on the phone, writing mails… anything, just to be distracted from her constant presence. She had such strong hold as if she was engraved in stone.

She is. She is engraved inside of me. I arrived here with her in my system. She is my doom and my key to a better life. She is untamable and unleashable. No matter how much I try and run away from her, she is with me all the time with her shallow breathe, confusion and stomachache. It is time to learn to live with her.

So,  I sit and look into her beautiful green eyes. I listen what she has to say about a crazy and scary world, an insecure future, loneliness in the universe and disconnection from oneself.  I sit and let it all pass through me. I allow her the time she needs to say what she has to. I stand still. I stay present. And when she is done peace arrives behind her with a smile on his face.

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