In my ruins

I wonder what happened. Everything went so well up until a week ago. I felt so contented and happy and suddenly it went all out the window without saying good-bye. By the end of the week I had muscle spasms in my left calf; had stomach problems that prevented me from eating anything for two days accompanied by tremendous headaches and symptoms of indigestion.

I am in my ruins. What could have happened that threw me into such a state?

After  weeks of total bliss I arrived to the hectic Big Apple Life is very different there. People seem to live in a treadmill of work-work-work and scheduled free time. Most of them seem that way anyway.

It felt as if I arrived back to Hungary in a blink of an eye. Insecurities running wild, pushing and screaming in pain – not a moment of halt or peace; constant buzz to make sure nothing is revealed, nothing is seen, nothing is felt, especially emotional pain. All is under the carpet. Many skeletons in the cupboard nobody wants to look into. Does it sound familiar?

And we suffer, words of complains pour out of the environment constantly but nobody does anything. Instead of doing, they complain and wish others would do something to ease their pain that they are not even aware of any more. And so they try to shut up the loud one not noticing that it is the one who only screams for us to see what is in the cupboard hidden.

So my body screams for me to notice something, some pain probably that I buried long time ago and not having been willing to look at. Not much anger any more but physical pain of indigestion, lack of processing and not being to move on. Fabulous! So letting go is challenging. I identify(ed) myself with all that I just saw, all that I just witnessed – running away from pain via business and anger (hidden under the skin of frustration); making demands upon others; being helpful so I’d be loved and cared for; being scattered with too much going on at one time.

So what now?

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