I often feel ridiculous about posing to be a wise-guy whereas I feel more messed-up than anybody I know. My only consolation is that I have the clarity of awareness to write about my experiences.
This past few weeks have been very painful and exhausting. The energy of Epiphany is like an opening, a crack on the thick wall that separates me from God’s Grace. I am allowed to have a peek at what’s possible in the Realm of God, at the same time, I am offered insights into the Hell I live in and the why’s.
Regarding our human experiences, we all share two major elements of our existence: God’s living essence inside of us and Karma. The theme of our Karma is individually different and we all live it daily whether we are aware of it or not. The one without any Karma is not in the physical any more. Even the most enlightened teachers have Karma to work through and let go of. What helps, in my experience, in dealing with the pain and sorrows of our Karma is being aware of our God-like nature and being able to forgive our flaws.
Recently, I have become aware how painfully ‘reprimanding’ and ‘punishing’ I am, mostly, with myself but also with my environment. It is partly because of the way I was brought up, but I suspect it has a lot to with my strong inner sense of guilt.
Though I am not sure of the inner reasons for my overwhelming sense of guilt, I can easily guess that some lifetimes ago I had done something that generated punishment and guilt inside of me that I could not forgive and/or let go of. So my ancient experiences became a fossilised Tolstoy novel this life-time. I simply move from one disaster to another, meanwhile I emotionally swing between either being ferociously furious or helplessly depressed.
All along though, God has been whispering into my ears asking me to forgive myself for the ‘misunderstanding’. No matter what had happened back then, I could not have done anything – including being a murderer – that would have turned God away from me. I had turned away from him in shame and embarrassment. This maddening mixture of guilt, shame and embarrassment generate my life experiences. It cannot be any good! The sense of guilt and shame can drive you crazy because you feel in the wrong all the time and you are constantly scared of being punished for something so you have to be on the look-out like a hunted animal.
God’s Grace is available to us all. Even to the guiltiest. During this season of Epiphany, I strongly feel that I am being asked to forgive myself and let go of the shame and guilt I have been burdening myself with for so long now.