Kicking and Screaming

So, what is happening for us in this Lenten Season? How are you doing?

Well, for me it is ‘hell of a season’. 🙂 I am going through a rough time. I am angry all time. I attack my environment and demand their cooperation while they look at me in shock.

After a few days in purgatory I decided to start observing my behaviour and my environment response more closely. The Lenten Season is a precious time of investigating, letting go and forgiveness. We are allowed to see beyond the layers of self-deception and the lies we live with daily.

As we withdraw our attention from the world and turn it inside we start noticing those parts of ourselves that make our life ‘a living hell’. Though, it can be painful to become aware how our so-called ego or lower-self drives us off the road as we stand there paralyzed in helpless terror. It is not a time of self-pity or regrets, either. This part is on automatic pilot.

By observing our reactions and deep seated fears that run this part of us, we regain our sense of responsibility. It is overoptimistic t assume that we always have a ‘new’ choice available to us. This ‘crazy’ part often runs wild, completely out of control and burns down everything that we have built with attention and care. This part is like an unruly kid, a spoilt brat really, who never sees the bigger picture. S/he is tricky and sneaky. The whole point of his/her existence is to keep you in your personal limbo of creating your objects of fear and your fearful reaction to it.

Our whole life is lived in this up-and-down swinging.

During these past two weeks of Lent, I have noticed, how my deepest fears showing up one by one, having their tongues out at me saying “you silly cow, did you really thing that you can conquer us? We are forever here to hunt you! We are your creation, you cannot get rid of us!” “I am defiant. I am unwilling to budge. I will not go along with what life offers to me because I do not like them. Leave me alone!”

Honestly, I spent most of the past week in reaction. I felt under siege.

On top of it all, I have been unwell and I did not have the energy to deal with life in a way I would have liked to. All composure out the window and I was left with Maxine  on a bad had day! I judged it all. I hated it all. My demons were at full lure! Though, I am aware of them. More often than not, I do not have a wide variety of choices of response.

This time, instead of judging myself for my ‘un-enlightened’ choices of action, I decided to just simply observe them in action and let them be. They are like fearful kids inside me kicking and screaming, who complain through their vicious actions mostly about me for not being a good enough parent.

I had this flesh of enlightenment today. It actually does not matter what life I chose to live. It does not matter if I can tame my demons or not.  My life is in the hands of the Divine and S/He/It will make sure that I will gather the experiences I need this life time. I can kick and scream as much as I want, my life will follow the course it must. Kicking and screaming is optional!

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