I have been pushing this for a long time. I have been trying to make FW my home. I have gone extensive length with zero result. ‘It is obvious now that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I pretended you were the one and I will make you perfect for me. So, it did not happen. It could not have.’
I so hoped that I will receive regular guidance but so many weird things happened then I just felt left with some substitute guidance options that were OK but lacked the one element that I find most essential for me, being interactive.
So, I am to let go of my illusions, my dream to belong to an earthly community that embraces me and supports me, that I can embrace and support in the physical. It is just not set up that way.
Oh, I understand that I am to have an inner relationship and inner so-called communion with God that cannot be replaced or substituted by any community or earthly relationships. That was not the plan, anyway.
My main issue so-to-speak is feeling unsafe and being left without guidance.(This is just how I grew up.) I suspect most of us on the Path struggle with something similar. So, I have been desperately looking for guidance and some safety-net in the world. As I recently learnt, due to the fact that I feel unprotected and uncared for my mental structure is like that of a wild animal in the wilderness, I am on constant alert. Therefore, I find it impossible not to try and protect myself all the time. This is my main task and it eats up all my energy and efforts. Being on alert also prevents me from venturing into areas that seem unsafe. By unsafe I mean being exposed and vulnerable. So, I live a life that is deprived of the joys of my special being. All the possibilities and exceptional gifts that I am bestowed are not available to me to be explored and utilized because I am tied down in excessive self-protection. All my energy is drained into being alert and on guard.
Of course, I would rather have God love me and protect me but in my mind that is the greatest threat and so I cannot let that happen. Being with God means prosecution and bloodshed. Well, I have nowhere to run, do I?
So my plan to be part of a community that is seemingly open to hold me until I can run free looked like a good one. But it did not work out. Neither did the dream of being guided by an organisation or members of an organisation that I would call my family. What I am left with is adopting Faith in the unknown.
So, here I am in the US having a difficult time because it is extremely uncomfortable and costly. On top of it all, I have no idea why I am here really. I was very hesitant before I made my way over here. I tried to convince myself not to come. My logic still says it was a rather bad move. At the same time, another part of me wished to come, to finish my studies with the Brigade, and to be amongst people who ‘do God’ naturally. During this time, I wish to take in as much Loving attitude as I can because I do not think I will be back here soon. I am simply exhausted of travelling and being homeless.
I will try to start a new kind of life focusing on what life brings in rather then wishing and hoping for another kind of life. I have been wishing and hoping forever. It was the original reason behind me having left Hungary at the very first moment when I was given the opportunity. Now, it is time to rest.
It took me decades to realize who I am not since I have always known who I am, I just did not understand why I choose not to be me most of the time, why I need to protect myself, and why I prefer not to have a close relationship with God. The biggest lesson I learnt, I suppose, is that there is nothing I can do about any of it, no matter how clever I maybe about myself or life itself. I trust, however, that my meditations will keep on supporting me in my new venture of letting go and accepting what is.
Honestly, I still think that letting go and accepting equals defeat but I am OK now to work around it. I am too tired to fight.
As you can see, I am rather heartbroken. Similar to the breaking up a love-affair, I feel I am loosing something I have treasured even though it was not real, it was just a substitute for something.
As I mentioned, the plan is that I stop hoping and I start accepting, in particular, the fact that I am the one creating this life exactly the way it is for myself and that I have only been fighting myself all along.