Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I am so unbearably worried that I can’t even breathe properly.
I so proudly owned two qualities before: my self-discipline and my sense of responsibility. Recently, however, they seem to have deserted me leaving me completely lost in transition.
Until now, there was this voice inside of me that told me what my responsibilities were and what I was supposed to be doing. If I started to moan, the voice in my head simply metamorphosed into a Nazi-army-officer and directed me towards things that I needed to attend to without hesitation or delay.
Not anymore. Though I still have the voice within still being very loud – screaming with rage – but it sort of lost its power over me. It is not strong enough anymore to make me do things I don’t want to.
I don’t really know why it is that I don’t want to do certain things anymore – it feels as if I can’t bear the thought of doing them – that I used to do without hesitation. Before, I did not question the logic behind her orders. Now, her logic does not seem logical at all anymore!
I have no idea how to do it differently. I am very used to following her orders without question. I really believed that she wants the best for me, I still do, however, I don’t think that her logic is either healthy or loving towards me. Also, I noticed, that her suggestions don’t work. If they did, I would not be having the same exact issues all over again. I don’t know if I just got fed up or suddenly I had an epiphany that revealed the nonsenseness of my usual ways of attending the issues of my life.
The not knowing how to handle such simple matters of life scares the hell out of me especially I think I used to be very good at them. It actually freaks me out feeling so incapable of resolving simple life matters that needs quick resolution – at least it seems so.
Still, no matter how harsh and judgmental I try to be with myself, no matter how much craze I put myself under I just can’t do the old and I can’t come up with new ways just yet.
And here I am, standing completely helpless and lost in transition.