My failed experiment

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path.

I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am so unique or anything but because of my character. For this path or any path that requires faith in the unknown and/or some following especially someone I don’t actually see, is not for my type.

I am sure we all struggle here and there. However, it may not be by accident that the sculptures – though misinterpreted – says that this path is for the meek or the gentle hearted. I am too strong headed and way too self protective for this path. I really don’t understand why or how I got here. It is a miracle on its own.

I am turning away from God because the likes of me are control freaks, we don’t let go, we rather die before we give upon what we think is right and/or true. We are stubborn to the point of self-harm. We know it all, there is nobody above us or below us who could have another say in what we believe in. We are the bigot ones, the one who is committed to his own self. The great protectors we are, who replace God in his absence. We are the biggest children of all who has never been properly parented so we lost faith in the great Father. And so we resist, we fight, we oppose. We believe that it is our job to fix things that God has forgotten to attend to.

I am turning away from God because I don’t have faith in God’s almightiness. I believe that if I don’t fix it, if I don’t say a word, if I don’t stand up for it, if I don’t oppose it, if I don’t fight it, if I don’t remind him, if I don’t scream nothing happens and nothing changes.

It is a great illusion that anything changes by the strength of my voice, I know. I still can’t be a simple observe of distraction and carelessness of any kind.

I am turning away from God because I can’t convince myself that it is all OK the way it is. I can’t accept without saying a word or trying to alter it even if it means I am controlling. I just can’t stand and watch. I don’t have the faith in the mystery of life when it comes to self distraction and hurting each other.

I am turning away from God because I don’t have the right personality for becoming a meek. I am too opinionated. I know the world needs no fixing….I still offer my ideas for change…. Even when nobody listens.

I am turning away from God because I am too angry and judgmental.

I am turning away from God because this path is not for my kind. It is for the soft hearted followers of the light for whom faith is enough evidence in order to accept the unacceptable.

I am turning away from God because this path is not for my kind. I am not a devotee type. I am too charismatic. I expect others to follow me.

This is my failed experiment with God.

Next time around, I hope, I will be not be made of steel but honey so God can melt me with his sweet tongue.

tuning away

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