My life in (non) acceptance

I suspect that all that is present in my Life right now is a reflection of my inner world. Let’s have a look.

I am homeless. I am taken in by my family who consists of three people: an anger ball – a man who is so extremely angry all the time so much that he brakes things around the house and often screems and shouts; an alcoholic – actually a manic depressive who managed to control his depression with alcohol,  a man who walks about like a ghost slowly disappearing; a depressed –  narcissist lady who is on antidepressants so she does not try to kill herself in a manner of speaking. They all smoke. I am a  none-smoker. I managed to convince them to smoke outside of the house most if the time. They feel pressured by it.

This is my immediate family. We live together in some very weird symbiosis in which I try and convince myself that I am actually different from them but I am actually not.

At the moment I live in a country that considers racism the norm and so reelected a right wing government

I am unemployed. It is not unusual because I have mostly worked as a freelancer so far. Being creative is not especially a worldly profession. I am either offered work that has nothing to do with my creativity therefore I find it unattractive or I am not offered a job since nobody know exactly what it is that I can do. I am full of ideas, all the time, and they are rather feasible, however, I don’t have neither the means nor the ability to make them happen. I can start them but from that onwards I need others to take them over. Since nobody understands exactly what it is I try to do they don’t know how or where to join in. I have eighteen ideas in progress that are not progressing at present.

I have very little money available to me.  I owe a chunk of  money to different sources. I feel very pressured and stressed by all this. however, obviously,  not pressured enough to do anything about it.

I am a loner. I cannot create or sustain relationships, especially with the opposite sex. I neither consider myself a beauty nor do I have a sweet personality that would sweep prince charming off his feet as soon as he meets me.

I am overweight. I look like Miss Piggy from the Muppets. It may look sensual but it is heavy on my bones and joints. It is rather unhealthy.

So what does it all reflect back to me about me?

That i am in non acceptance with myself. That inside of me it is low and dark. That I feel undeserving. That I don’t feel worthy of anything nice in Life. That I feel doomed. That I must be a horrible person otherwise why would I live my life in apperent punishment?

Nobody can offer me anything to ease my reality because I can’t receive it, I don’t even notice it.

And all this does not matter because Life actually happens somewhere else … I just don’t know where exactly.

God, if you exist in any shape or form, please grant me one single wish; that’s all, I promise I will never ask for anything ever again; just grant me this one wish: grant me the ability to Love myself no matter what, under any circumstances, all the time from this instant.

 

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