I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I show no mercy. I tell them that they are the sorcerers of their destinies and instead of whining about the change they cannot make they must commit and do it whatever it takes – ‘keep your eyes on the price’ dears!
And I am the biggest fake of all because I cannot do what I preach. I cannot make a change. I keep on sitting at the same table dreaming about a life I have never lived and I don’t even believe that Life actually exists for me. The truth is that I have already stopped dreaming. When the pain sets in, I just distract myself from it. I eat or drink or smoke or do something so I don’t need to be present with my pain. I don’t see the point of it, I can’t bear it, and neither can I change the cause of it.
I have a good life, most would say. I actually have nothing to complain about. I have food to eat, wine to drink, roof above me, even a car to drive. Whatever else I wish to ‘have’ should not matter. I am a lucky girl who has nothing to complain about. And it is very true. I have nothing to complain about. And I keep on reminding myself of that daily. I say my prayers, I say my thank you’s, I remind myself how grateful I am for all that I have, the Life I have.
And still, the funny feeling the something is not right keeps on creeping back in. I don’t envy anybody. I don’t want to live others’ lives. I just felt that I don’t live the life I could (should?). I call that life ‘normal’.
My normal life would bring the best out of me. My normal life would show how talented I am in many ways. In my normal life, I would not struggle to sustain myself because I would be compensated for my great talents. In my normal life, I could face Life easily, stand up for myself, for what I belief is true without a moment of hesitation, without the frustration of being alone like Jean D’Arc. In my normal life I would be happy either because I was simple and lame someone who could accept her whole existence just as it is or because I lived the life I think I could.
And here is the trick – I very possibly live the life I could. If there was anything else to have or experience I would be living it. I am making myself sad and unhappy because I rick myself into believing that there is something more I could ‘have’ but I am not having it. How sad!
It is rather tricky because we all somehow believe that there is something we are missing right now in our lives and that very thing we miss makes us feel miserable. We believe that if we just had that thing we wish so much, that would solve it all, that would make us happy forever and ever… but it just ain’t.
If I lived my ‘normal’ life as I imagined it fulfilling my dream, I am pretty sure I would have something else I missed so much that I could hardly bear it and so I would feel just as miserable as I am feeling right now by not having the ‘normal’ life I wish I could.
The biggest acceptance of all is to know that I live every day that ‘normal’ life I should, there is nothing else. The rest is only a trick our human conditions makes on me making me believe that I should have ‘more’ than I actually have, that there is some mystical something that would turn my world into a fairy tale if I had it. I may just look exactly the way I should, I may just have the very things I need to have in order for me to have my ‘normal‘ life… if only I could embrace it…