As I am observing the days of this Christmas season am becoming more and more aware of the excruciating effects of my narcissistic expectations.
I expect the world to roll up its sleeves and fight for the good, the noble, the exceptional, the unique, the better, the more human, the perfect … In response, however, the world is upset with me. Each time I demand a change the world throws its fists at me. Justly, I must add. What I do not see is that each time I request a better version of what is the world feels judged, criticized, dismissed and condemned.
Though, I understand that my critical nature was formed under immense amount of scrutiny as a child and it eventually developed into a full-blown discerning meddles and fault-finder, I still believe that the problem is not with the ‘what’ but the ‘how’.
On one hand I am critical because I always see a different way of doing things that is not always better but it cannot be judged until it is tried. I often find that my suggestions are creative, forward-looking and elevating. On the other hand, however, I must admit that it is overly vexing when one constantly judges its environment because she feels unsafe in it.
My judgement and request for change stem from the idea that there is an ‘ideal way’ of living and we all must strive to live that way.
My feelings behind my perfectionism and critical nature are pain coming from a sense of rejection and so my attitude is revenge. Naturally, its energy is anger and fear based.
The flip side of the coin is that I am exceptionally observant, that I find it easy to see the bigger picture of situations and events, and that I find it easy to read human nature, both the ego part and God’s residing spark.
On one hand, I am completely aware of God’s creation and, strangely, I understand how God’s Universe and its Laws work. At the same time, however, I am so full of unforgiving resentment because of the ignorance that I suffered as a child. As a result, I cannot love Humanity enough to offer my gifts as a blessing but as a curse.
How to forgive the torture, though? How to open the cage that traps us both, the tyrant and the victim?
Do you know that when you hold on to some negative event and/or people in your life, you become like them? In some ways, in my vexing and annoying nature I resemble the tyrants who abused me as a child.
As I am observing the twelve days of Christmas and waiting for the Day of Atonement and Epiphany, I realize that in order for me to generate lasting revelations (in myself and others) my intentions must come from my Loving Care for Myself and for Humanity.