On the way to freedom

I don’t even know what I am looking at. I am busy with participating. Still doing my best to see what is happening. I am here to give them something and I hope I am doing well. I know now that it is not the thoughts or ideas I give, that matters – I just hope that I can stay open and ’loving’ enough to embrace them as they are, every single one of them. I see their flaws and do my best to accept them. I ask the Immortal Beloved (IM) to embrace them especially when they are in fraction.

What do I see? I see my family. I see how I grew up.

What do I hear? I hear the noises of my childhood, especially screams and shouting.

But now I see the other side of the story as well, what dad and mum felt as parents – at least a glimpse of it – dealing with me and my siblings. Rare opportunities.

I also see myself in many different ways. I see myself reflected. There is a part of me who belongs here: the sacrificial lamb and the prosecutor. And I see my reactions to this fragmented life. I feel my own impatience growing.  I can stay calm because I know I can get out of this any time. I don’t need to change anything . I just know this is not my choice any more. It is still inside of me and may not ever be able to leave it completely behind, but I can stop, stand and wait until its urge passes without slipping into it.

Visited Manhattan.  Crazy and hectic. Scattered energies. Shopping people everywhere. People who try and feed some emptiness inside with a new pair of shoes or other goods. Observations. I am one of these people. If there is any difference, that is that I see it now and so I have a choice not to do it. And sometimes I chose not to, sometimes I buy into it. Such is life. I am happy that I have a choice, anyhow.

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