Pain and the glass-ball

I have been having this unbearable pain that feels as if someone was sitting on my chest making me suffocate slowly for a while. It is so beyond bearable that I went to see a neurologist and ended up taking ‘relaxants’ besides being a part time alcoholic.  Workaholism has been a trustworthy company for so long that I don’t consider him a distraction at all.

I suddenly realized what drives an alcoholic, an addict – simply numbing this feeling of pain. This agony that I believe we all share down here is hardly bearable (those being sensitive to it) and so needs to be shut up with any means possible even if it means you actually kill yourself along with the pain.

Because my first reaction was fury, I also noticed that my response to pain is actually anger. It is not really new info, it was just funny to see that so clearly. I remember times, however, when I encountered it before and also how incapacitating it felt.

But what causes this pain? As far as I can see, we all have a different answer to this question. Pain can have various causes such as shame, unworthiness or else. In my case it is rejection. If I understand the teachings well, it is ultimately about our sense of separation from God. The glass ball we surround ourselves with that closes God’s Love off from us.

As I was becoming ‘unheardable’ during the interactive part of WPT program yesterday, this was the feeling that showed up. I was feeling the pain of rejection – it came more like a surge of anger at first. The funny thing was that I was also aware that everybody else on the other side was making so much effort making sure that I can participate and be part of this amazing experience. And still, I suddenly got cut off and I went into feeling rejected and unwanted. The pain was enormous, the sudden feeling of something freezing my heart and suffocating me to death.

After having spent some time investigating how I had been feeling and why; I noticed I have been living with this glass ball all my life and this is the ‘thing’ that does not allow me to connect with God. I also understand now that I set this ball up. It feels to me as if I have always felt this way, as if this feeling started way before I arrived here, it sort of came with me.

I am also aware that this glass ball is partly my protection from being rejected again; it keeps me being constantly rejected as well as protecting me from further rejection. I know it sound nonsensical but this is the truth.

Sadly, living in this glass ball defines my whole existence. It prevents me from having experiences that resembles any kindness, caring, embracing, connection or similar. Obvious, there are moments when I can and I do experience these feelings …

What got me even sadder though was the realization that there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how clever I am, I know the answers, I understand and not only that but I am also capable of sharing my revelations with others. Still, I cannot shatter the glass ball, and nobody can do it for me either.

In my understanding the teaching says something like that by regularly meditation we can move beyond the experience and pulls of our karmas and limitations and start becoming (living) our greater self. According to my observation, in order for that to happen one must have unquestionable faith in God. I am aware of my greater self, and I am often amazed by her, the magnificence of her is indescribable vastness. However, I am also aware how disconnected she is from her source because of this glass ball. I watch her fumbling in captivation, daily. And I am sad to see, how her magnificent goes unnoticed because of the glass ball that surrounds her.

The teaching says that the key is accepting and letting go. I sometimes wonder how you mean by that? Accepting my eternal captivation and the pain that comes with it? Letting go of the glass ball? Neither it is really possible, understandably.

The other day, I saw a movie – the best of me. For me this movie was about living our fate. It made me realize that there is no point in fighting fate. It deeply touched me, how much dignity and acceptance this guy lived his fate, never questioning it. His fate gave meaning to his existence. And I though, how true it is! We are only here to live our fate. We have no choice over the life we live; we have some choices, choices over accepting or fighting what is but nothing beyond that. We can complain about it, or try to change it- both are pointless. Everyone is on a set path without realizing it.

I have fought life all my life. I have always thought that my life was unfair, life was treating me unfair. I still think it is unfair because I have no idea really what is going on beyond my comprehension. I am given pieces of info here and there so to ease the struggle on the journey. Each time, I am given a new piece of the puzzle of my life, I am like a silly dog with the new piece of bone that will take my attention away from the burning question, only for a while.

In this light, both the glass ball and the pain is part of my personal experience this life time. I suspect acceptance is about living with whatever shows up knowing that, at the end of the day, none of it makes any difference. The journey stays hidden, we only spend the time with chewing on one bone or another. Letting go, I suspect, is letting go of the ‘dream’, the ‘need’, the ‘want’ to have a ‘different’ life and try to stay sane in the meantime.

Up until sort of nowish, I have really hoped that life is meaningful, we are, I am here with a purpose. I really believed that I am the way I am because I have some inherent purpose. And I do define myself with this ‘unknown’ meaning that I have been searching for. The idea that I am completely meaningless is a rather hard call.  I know, I don’t make sense. J I am realizing (not saying I am living it!!) that it does not matter what I do, the only thing that matters is that each day I walk the part of the path that is designated for that day. My only job is to show up and walk it preferable without any hustle. Obviously, the more I can stay present – which is hardly available to me at present – the less hustle I suffer. The rest is a mystery.

I am not always sure that I can manage living like that but so far so good. I have not killed myself yet and I do not think it is available to me either. It is hard to stay completely neutral, not noticing my feelings or my thoughts or not being caught up in them.

Turning back to where I started, I feel that because of the pain (of rejection and meaninglessness) I have been experiencing, I simply cannot stay present. I am either busy with trying not to feel the pain or I am indulging in it. Probably like everyone else. There is not much I can do about any of this, I cannot shatter the glass ball around me that I have built to protect my wounded self. So, here I am so clever and accomplished and still extremely stupid and helpless.

Being in Hungary is a blessing. I feel at home among these people. They remind me, every day, the agony of our existence. We have this in common, the most of us anyway. We suffer as if it was a requirement! Being out of here would require me letting go of my need to drama and agony but that would mean that once again I let go of something that defines me, and not only that but my belonging, too! And I make sure, in some way or another that I am ‘rejected’ by all those who do not share my limited experience (those who may remind me of my greater self).

It brings me to God, my greatest fan and rejecter. The experience that causes the greatest pain in me is my feeling that God rejects me and rejects me having all those experiences that would enhance the quality of my life. I know it is about the glass ball. I also hear you all say that God infinitely loves us all, etc., but this is not my experience.  It is, however, interesting why it is that my ‘source’ of rejection is God himself. Most people I know on the path turn to God in their greatest sufferings that they believe are caused by the world. Whereas, I believe that my greatest source of pain is God himself. I have always had the feeling that I was forced to be born again, that I did not want to come back here, I don’t want to live at all, but God forces me to, punishes me with ‘time on Earth’, to live this miserable life. I don’t understand any of this, however, I am aware that it is a big part of my glass ball. I cannot meditate any more on connecting with God. I don’t want to connect with my ‘punisher’. This bit is still hazy because I am often touched by something I call ‘Loving’ but it is not connected to any sense of God inside of me. It is just a feeling that is not connected with any ‘thought’ inside of me, I call it Loving because it seems like the most appropriate word. I am sorry if I don’t make sense here.  Maybe, I just have a false sense of God, or something. I would not be surprised having been brought up with such confusing messages about God.

And again, everything is only my experience, my fate, my path. For another it is probably completely different and just as valid as mine. Life is a mystery and I suspect it will stay that way.

After all this anger and apathy, I am not quite sure where enthusiasm and joy will come from … they may just show up one day … the day when I can truly accept my fate for whatever it maybe … or at those moments when I am not busy with feeling sad about something. Now, at least, I know why I am such a joyful person at heart; I would be such a bore otherwise!

Two bits I would like to share with you from my favourite film, Shakespeare in Love, on Fate and the Mystery of Life, the way I understand it! :) Enjoy it!

Thank you for listening.

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Just thoughts …

I am resigned, submissive and acquiescent. I fight no more.

I can’t make a difference, what is more, I can’t even say full-heartedly that there is a need for any change. Who am I to imply that, anyway?

The meek, the blessed meek…

Why has it taken me so long to understand that it is only the meek, the submissive, the cheats and the lies can only go to heaven. The ones who try to be the good-kidz of the mighty God and become the beloved ones.

No, no, really, it is silly. God doesn’t care how good or bad you are.

Society does though. And until we are stuck here it is always going to be a human being deciding.

I know. It is all about energies. It really is. It is all about intention, the strength of your will that makes a difference in the way you are perceived.

She believes she deserve the best, the support, the loving, God’s guidance because she is a good girl, she does what she is expected of her – at least this is how she believes it to be.

In the meantime, I am angry, especially with her, though it is not her fault. She is who she is, a selfish human being like many other who is way too needy to see anything beyond herself.

And who am I to judge? In God’s realm she is just as perfect as anybody else because He only see us as loving beams of lights. Me, on the other hand, down here, I see and suffer the illusion of her acting mean, narcissistic and being liked for it. And she is liked for it because she conveys the energy of ‘deserving’, the meekness that opens hearts, the smiles … and I am angry with her because I know how fake all that. I just want to scream and say: ‘Stop it! Don’t you see that she is just a wolf pretending to be a sheep?’

I act tough, I act aggressive, I act controlling, I act confident … still I cannot act needy or narcissistic; it is just not in my vocab. No matter how hard I try and be the wolf hidden in the skin of a meek lamb … I am transparent, I am the bad girl with a weak heart for the meek…

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My shit, your shit

We all deal with some shit. It occasionally looks enormous, and sometimes we do not even notice its existence. However, the more you dig into your own shit to see what it is made of, the more you realize its basic elements. Eventually, you come to see he sticky soil the makes up the web of your life. Some call it fate. Some call it Karma. Some call it misfortune. Some, simply, call it life. No matter how you call it, it only has one reason to its existence to ‘teach’ you about Love.

I know it sounds weird to say that your ‘shit’ is your greatest teacher, but actually this is the truth. Have you ever noticed the patterns that makes your daily life? Starting with the way you get out of bed. Are you excited to start your day? How do you start your day? With struggle and unease or with a smile? Do you start your day with meditation or coffee? How much of God’s Life Force do you allow to rush through you or do you replace it with caffeine?

With each drop of awareness you can go deeper into the material of your shit. If you start observing yourself like a investigative hawk, not missing a beat, you soon start to realize the one main vain that feeds all the other little ones, the artery that feeds every thought and action in your daily life.


So, what is it that runs you? What is this image that you hold so true to yourself that under no circumstances, even on your deathbed, you find challenging to release? Are you Lancelot, the gloomy knight, who vowed to protect the kingdom but never to be appreciated for it?

Or, are you the stubborn ox who knows it all but deep inside you feel insecure and lost all the time?

Or, are you the princess who spends her whole life waiting for the prince to safe you from the doom of your environment and the people who don’t seem to understand your fragile nature?

I am the repenting martyr. I believe that God has turned away from me. My shit revolves around sin and punishment. Somewhere deep inside of me- my artery – I am convinced that I must have done something wrong, at some point of my life (either this or in a previous one) and so I am doomed for this lifetime. My version of punishment is to serve others without any reward whatsoever. My shit tells me not to dare take care of myself or accept any support until I am done repenting. So, I live my life in the purgatory waiting for redemption that never comes.

So what’s the learning in Love for me? My redemption – the Love I wish to receive – is forgiveness that does not seem to come, no matter how hard I try and please the Gods with my good deeds. It is because I expect it from the wrong source. I am waiting for God to forgive me. However, it is actually me who cannot forgive myself and so to release myself from living in my shit.

What’s yours?


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Brian Yeakey and ILM


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I am sorry! Please, forgive me!

It all started before I was born. I failed many people. I did not keep to my word and I could help them reach Nirvana. Upon dying I was struggling with immense amount of guilt, a sense of incompletion and failure. God looked at me with Loving eyes, smiled and said: “Just let it go and come home to me. The rest will take care of itself. Whomever you feel you left behind would find the way home. Remember ‘No soul will be lost’!”

No matter how sweet his smile was, how touched I was by his gentleness and forgiveness, I could not forgive myself for what I had done, so I decided to give it another go. I asked for another round in Hell so to make amends.

He said yes to my request and sent me to a place where I could repent.

There are different places a Soul can go to so to work on Its karmas. Each of us is sent to the very right place to face our main theme. This theme is like the tapestry of a Soul’s existence in the physical. It is a bit like being cobwebbed around from within , as if the stings of the web were extended outside in a way that the centre where the Soul is trapped becomes a capsule similar to a puppet on strings. And each time a trigger of the theme is pulled the stings start jerking pulling the poor puppet all over the show.

After some floating, my Soul arrived to a place called ‘Sin and Penance’. Since it was quilt that drove me back for another round, it was essential that I became aware of the reason why I am back down here in order for me to be able to let it finally go and return home. All other issues a Soul faces are only attached to the main tapestry of Its present existence – the main theme – in the time and space continuum.

My main theme is absolution.

All through my life from very early on, I had a very strong need to take responsibility for others’ happiness, to support them, even try to save them. There were times when I was called a witch, some other times an angel depending on how much someone fancied to be rescued. However, most of the time I was called a controlling bitch. Not surprising, since my drive to repent had no limits. I had to get my absolution in some way or another and I could only get it through ‘service’ and ‘being the savior of the masses’.

After decades of failing attempts to save people and hating the world with all its souls for not appreciating me for my strenuous efforts in making their existence ‘better’, I started to turn within looking for answers. I started to withdraw and bring my interaction with the world to the bare minimum while I started to build up a relationship with the Landlord of my Heart whom I stated to sense has the answers I was looking for.

During this Soul-searching process, I started to notice that though I am exceptionally talented, creative, musical and rather smart, I constantly block myself becoming successful in anything, I block my attempt for happiness and a sense of accomplishment. There were moments when I fought it, then I complained about, and other times I just simply detested it. There were moments when I just wanted to kill myself so the pain of my existence would seize. I blamed God for my misfortunes and I loathed the world for not being more responsive.

Struggling without the awareness of why life is so ‘unfair’ to me have determined my whole existence. As I was becoming aware of the various threads that make up the tapestry of my existence I started to notice patterns like the overwhelming sense of responsibility over others well-being and happiness; the constant need for doing good in the world; creating and initiating various movements of development; the constant anger towards life for ‘making’ me collect these painful experiences; the layers of walls that surround me in protection against being others’ emotional garbage bin; my self-protecting claws that crabs everything that moves.

Then, one day, after decades of soul searching, it downed on me:’ I failed God, I can’t hope for an absolution.’ My life became my repentance. I simply make sure I suffer it as much as I can in order to get a chance for absolution.

So, how to let it go? How to stop the unstoppable, self-destructive drive that fuels my guts?

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

In my eyes, Jesus is Forgiveness embodied. So, I am asking for your forgiveness … so my healing can begin … I am begging you … I am sorry … please, forgive me!


So, one question still remains: How to turn the immense energy of the flagellating propitiation into a flow of Grace?
… surrender …

Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.” So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. Luke 15:1-32

surrender 2

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The Lion and the Lamb

Isaiah 11:6 The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

Isaiah 65:25 The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent’s meat. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain, saith the LORD.

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Birthday reminder from a dear friend

My dear!! Be happy as you are! Keep on searching, sharing, expanding, loving, inspiring…

Stay young, free and centered to yourself and balance it with some roots (anywhere I want) to have yourself even more earthy, joyful and wise!

I love you and thank you for staying close!

Have a day of celebration such as you need it!

Love and many hugs,


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We are limited reflections to one another.

We reflect our stubborness in our limitations.

I am stubborn and unwilling to enter the Grace of God and stay there.

She is stubborn and unwilling to let of the illusion that she is there already.

We must have it in our own way.

She is all in the head imagining stuff.

I am all in my head being clever about stuff.

She searches for the signs.

I search for evidence.

She does not allow feedback to touch her and support her to spring out of her troubles.

I do not allow His love to melt me and support me out of my troubles.

She is adamant that she has reached the fullness of her life and has embraced it all.

I am adamant to avoid embracing the wholeness of my Life.

She believes she knows who she is while not noticing that her limitations define her.

I know who I am without experiencing it. I believe that my limitations define me.

We both think the other is mistaken and rather ridiculous in her limitations.

We are stubborn in our wrongness.

She thinks she has God in her life.

I pretend I don’t have God in my life.

She pretends she hears Him.

I know I hear Him though I won’t admit to it.

She blames others.

I blame myself.

We reflect what we deny about ourselves that is unexpressed.

Neither of us embraces who we truly are.

We both pretend to be someone different from who we actually are. At the same time we reflect each other’s true nature and show who we are inherently meant to be.

She pretends to be holy.

I pretend to be fierce.

She is the wolf pretending to be the lamb.

I am the lamb pretending to be the wolf.


She is meant to be the protective Wolf, the one who allows the Lamb to be available to the world.

I meant to be the Lamb.


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It won’t hurt, don’t be afraid!

I just would like you to consider what I tell you.

I don’t want you to act in accordance with my words.

Don’t be afraid, my words don’t hurt.

Neither will your actions

if you align them with your own highest good.

You are the sorcerer of your life.

Make your own decisions.

Still, listen to the

Sound of my actions.

See the way I am going?

Come with me but don’t follow me.

My intention is pure.

I want you no harm.

I wish you could fly on your own terms.

Listen to me,

Hear me out,

Then go on on your accord.

It won’t hurt, don’t be afraid!

rumi zz

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My failed experiment

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path.

I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am so unique or anything but because of my character. For this path or any path that requires faith in the unknown and/or some following especially someone I don’t actually see, is not for my type.

I am sure we all struggle here and there. However, it may not be by accident that the sculptures – though misinterpreted – says that this path is for the meek or the gentle hearted. I am too strong headed and way too self protective for this path. I really don’t understand why or how I got here. It is a miracle on its own.

I am turning away from God because the likes of me are control freaks, we don’t let go, we rather die before we give upon what we think is right and/or true. We are stubborn to the point of self-harm. We know it all, there is nobody above us or below us who could have another say in what we believe in. We are the bigot ones, the one who is committed to his own self. The great protectors we are, who replace God in his absence. We are the biggest children of all who has never been properly parented so we lost faith in the great Father. And so we resist, we fight, we oppose. We believe that it is our job to fix things that God has forgotten to attend to.

I am turning away from God because I don’t have faith in God’s almightiness. I believe that if I don’t fix it, if I don’t say a word, if I don’t stand up for it, if I don’t oppose it, if I don’t fight it, if I don’t remind him, if I don’t scream nothing happens and nothing changes.

It is a great illusion that anything changes by the strength of my voice, I know. I still can’t be a simple observe of distraction and carelessness of any kind.

I am turning away from God because I can’t convince myself that it is all OK the way it is. I can’t accept without saying a word or trying to alter it even if it means I am controlling. I just can’t stand and watch. I don’t have the faith in the mystery of life when it comes to self distraction and hurting each other.

I am turning away from God because I don’t have the right personality for becoming a meek. I am too opinionated. I know the world needs no fixing….I still offer my ideas for change…. Even when nobody listens.

I am turning away from God because I am too angry and judgmental.

I am turning away from God because this path is not for my kind. It is for the soft hearted followers of the light for whom faith is enough evidence in order to accept the unacceptable.

I am turning away from God because this path is not for my kind. I am not a devotee type. I am too charismatic. I expect others to follow me.

This is my failed experiment with God.

Next time around, I hope, I will be not be made of steel but honey so God can melt me with his sweet tongue.

tuning away

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My normal life

I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I show no mercy. I tell them that they are the sorcerers of their destinies and instead of whining about the change they cannot make they must commit and do it whatever it takes – ‘keep your eyes on the price’ dears!

And I am the biggest fake of all because I cannot do what I preach. I cannot make a change. I keep on sitting at the same table dreaming about a life I have never lived and I don’t even believe that Life actually exists for me. The truth is that I have already stopped dreaming. When the pain sets in, I just distract myself from it. I eat or drink or smoke or do something so I don’t need to be present with my pain. I don’t see the point of it, I can’t bear it, and neither can I change the cause of it.

I have a good life, most would say. I actually have nothing to complain about. I have food to eat, wine to drink, roof above me, even a car to drive. Whatever else I wish to ‘have’ should not matter. I am a lucky girl who has nothing to complain about. And it is very true. I have nothing to complain about. And I keep on reminding myself of that daily. I say my prayers, I say my thank you’s, I remind myself how grateful I am for all that I have, the Life I have.

And still, the funny feeling the something is not right keeps on creeping back in. I don’t envy anybody. I don’t want to live others’ lives. I just felt that I don’t live the life I could (should?). I call that life ‘normal’.

My normal life would bring the best out of me. My normal life would show how talented I am in many ways. In my normal life, I would not struggle to sustain myself because I would be compensated for my great talents. In my normal life, I could face Life easily, stand up for myself, for what I belief is true without a moment of hesitation, without the frustration of being alone like Jean D’Arc. In my normal life I would be happy either because I was simple and lame someone who could accept her whole existence just as it is or because I lived the life I think I could.

images (1)

And here is the trick – I very possibly live the life I could. If there was anything else to have or experience I would be living it. I am making myself sad and unhappy because I rick myself into believing that there is something more I could ‘have’ but I am not having it. How sad!

It is rather tricky because we all somehow believe that there is something we are missing right now in our lives and that very thing we miss makes us feel miserable. We believe that if we just had that thing we wish so much, that would solve it all, that would make us happy forever and ever… but it just ain’t.

If I lived my ‘normal’ life as I imagined it fulfilling my dream, I am pretty sure I would have something else I missed so much that I could hardly bear it and so I would feel  just as miserable as I am feeling right now by not having the ‘normal’ life I wish I could.

The biggest acceptance of all is to know that I live every day that ‘normal’ life I should, there is nothing else. The rest is only a trick our human conditions makes on me making me believe that I should have ‘more’ than I actually have, that there is some mystical something that would turn my world into a fairy tale if I had it. I may just look exactly the way I should, I may just have the very things I need to have in order for me to have my ‘normal‘ life… if only I could embrace it…


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You don’t love me!
I am feeling unlovable as if fallen out of favour for a life time.
I am feeling betrayed and rejected.
Half of humanity rejects me out of fear of the unknown, the different.
The other half considers me for nothing as if I did not even exist.
I am betrayed by their bias and their wish for simpler and less disturbing,
that I cannot offer.
Meanwhile they keep their eye on me in fancy
still kiss another they don’t care for,
just to avoid clashing of wild emotions, the complicated.

Then He tells me He loves me no matter what.
I should look nowhere else,
I should just keep my eyes on Him endlessly
and see that He embraces me like no one can.
He tells me that it is no surprise I feel so unloved
I am expecting love from the loveless.
It is no surprise that I feel so rejected and betrayed
Since it is me who cheats Life everyday
by rejecting my True Nature that is Love itself.


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My abnormal life

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging.

If I could chose, I would want to live a life of ‘normality’. I would want to have a family, children, a dog, a job that I actually like doing … all the normal stuff, nothing special. I would want to live a boring life that can only offer routines and quick aging. And still, this part of me that is of this world wants nothing else but controlled security, accountability and a stable daily routine. One of the probable reason for that is that I have never live such a life. Not for a moment.

I look at the billboards or watch TV commercials, they all suggest some kind of happiness-like feelings hidden deep down in the simple ‘normalities’ of life. Behind the seemingly boring facade of such life they suggest some exciting and rather kinky happenings that are only available for those who live such a normal life.(Maybe that is why I am so attached to the idea of living normally).

Then, to my great surprise, when I tell others about the kind of life I live, their eyes open and they can’t help saying: “you are so free, I so envy you!” And I look at them in amazement because I always thought that their life, the normal life, is the life worth living. The billboard life.  A dream life. All these people go out into the world, they venture and gain. Don’t they? Or when they don’t, at least, there is something worthy to complain about, isn’t there?

Now, I understand that mostly what I perceive as exciting and kinky is nothing but attachment to all that is missing that is just out of reach, that what is offered by the billboards and the TV commercials. I actually miss out on nothing by not having a normal life.

My kind of life is challenging, daily. There is no security or coherence in it. It does not develop into anything greater than what it is right now. Neither is it really free as others suggest it is. It is rather empty actually so it requires a lot of creativity to fill it in with different unplanned activities and passing-the-time-with’s. This life offers me nothing whatsoever. I don’t become anybody eventually, I will not have a lot of great stuff accumulated by the end of it, I will not have a family to bury me, and neither will I be famous … all that would prove that my life – at the end of the day -was one worth living for.

Mine is simply an invisible and abnormal life.

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Fear and Love

“We attract the same energy we give out. …”

Well, I am puzzled. The experiences I have been having these past two days are rather odious. I started advertizing a program I am supposed to run and a lady started to have this funny conversation with me that ended with her calling me names and sending me to hell. How did I get here? If the above lovely quote is true, I must have put out some ‘bad’ vibes that the lady picked upon. I started investigating.

She has her own share in the matter, that’s hers to resolve. Mine is the bit where I generated fear that landed in the form of aggression. That sounds like me.

So what is it that I am afraid of so much that it manages to form such a bundle of tangled energies that it can eventually boomerang back like a badly targeted cricket ball, right in the face? Well, I am afraid of being judged, found out, unveiled, and exposed … what if they realize that I only pretend to be somebody I am not? How will I be able to protect myself from attack if I am exposed? … and on. I know it is not me, but I cannot be me until I am afraid. And my fear only lets out vibes of fear to generate more fear that eventually makes me feel scared then I become aggressive so to protect myself form a harmful word that I actually contributed to by being afraid and not having done anything about it.

Then I remembered the rest of the quote…

 “ …Take a deep breath, and exhale the energy you would like to receive.
Breathe in, exhale love.
Breathe in, exhale compassion.
Breathe in, exhale joy.” Rumi

God, you have planted so much Love inside of me, please, help me express it in the world. And, please, help me override my limitations so this Love, you keep on pouring inside of me, can actually be expressed, showing the way Home, no matter what the circumstances.

Thank you.


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It just somehow feels right …


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It amazes me that there is always another layer of depression under any depth of depression. There is always a way to feel a bit shittier than yesterday.

I hear myself say “you have a choice here, man! You either feel crap or you do something about it” Honestly, I truly wish I could do something about it. I know I have a choice, but somehow I don’t seem to be able to exercise that choice. Holy weird! As if I was pushing the wrong button … or it is frozen.

It is so cold and gloomy that occasionally I need to lift my hands up from the keyboard and blow some warm air over them so I can continue typing. It is the 17th May on the north hemisphere!

Once someone told me that the weather is only a reflection of our collective emotional consciousness. If it is true, we, humans, are collectively very-very sad and depressed. Holy crap!

We’d better cheer up soon or we will be frozen to death in a very short while!


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My life in (non) acceptance

I suspect that all that is present in my Life right now is a reflection of my inner world. Let’s have a look.

I am homeless. I am taken in by my family who consists of three people: an anger ball – a man who is so extremely angry all the time so much that he brakes things around the house and often screems and shouts; an alcoholic – actually a manic depressive who managed to control his depression with alcohol,  a man who walks about like a ghost slowly disappearing; a depressed –  narcissist lady who is on antidepressants so she does not try to kill herself in a manner of speaking. They all smoke. I am a  none-smoker. I managed to convince them to smoke outside of the house most if the time. They feel pressured by it.

This is my immediate family. We live together in some very weird symbiosis in which I try and convince myself that I am actually different from them but I am actually not.

At the moment I live in a country that considers racism the norm and so reelected a right wing government

I am unemployed. It is not unusual because I have mostly worked as a freelancer so far. Being creative is not especially a worldly profession. I am either offered work that has nothing to do with my creativity therefore I find it unattractive or I am not offered a job since nobody know exactly what it is that I can do. I am full of ideas, all the time, and they are rather feasible, however, I don’t have neither the means nor the ability to make them happen. I can start them but from that onwards I need others to take them over. Since nobody understands exactly what it is I try to do they don’t know how or where to join in. I have eighteen ideas in progress that are not progressing at present.

I have very little money available to me.  I owe a chunk of  money to different sources. I feel very pressured and stressed by all this. however, obviously,  not pressured enough to do anything about it.

I am a loner. I cannot create or sustain relationships, especially with the opposite sex. I neither consider myself a beauty nor do I have a sweet personality that would sweep prince charming off his feet as soon as he meets me.

I am overweight. I look like Miss Piggy from the Muppets. It may look sensual but it is heavy on my bones and joints. It is rather unhealthy.

So what does it all reflect back to me about me?

That i am in non acceptance with myself. That inside of me it is low and dark. That I feel undeserving. That I don’t feel worthy of anything nice in Life. That I feel doomed. That I must be a horrible person otherwise why would I live my life in apperent punishment?

Nobody can offer me anything to ease my reality because I can’t receive it, I don’t even notice it.

And all this does not matter because Life actually happens somewhere else … I just don’t know where exactly.

God, if you exist in any shape or form, please grant me one single wish; that’s all, I promise I will never ask for anything ever again; just grant me this one wish: grant me the ability to Love myself no matter what, under any circumstances, all the time from this instant.


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Lost in transition

Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I am so unbearably worried that I can’t even breathe properly.

I so proudly owned two qualities before: my self-discipline and my sense of responsibility. Recently, however, they seem to have deserted me leaving me completely lost in transition.

Until now, there was this voice inside of me that told me what my responsibilities were and what I was supposed to be doing. If I started to moan, the voice in my head simply metamorphosed into a Nazi-army-officer and directed me towards things that I needed to attend to without hesitation or delay.

Not anymore. Though I still have the voice within still being very loud – screaming with rage  – but it sort of lost its power over me. It is not strong enough anymore to make me do things I don’t want to.

I don’t really know why it is that I don’t want to do certain things anymore – it feels as if I can’t bear the thought of doing them – that I used to do without hesitation. Before, I did not question the logic behind her orders. Now, her logic does not seem logical at all anymore!

I have no idea how to do it differently. I am very used to following her orders without question. I really believed that she wants the best for me, I still do, however, I don’t think that her logic is either healthy or loving towards me. Also, I noticed, that her suggestions don’t work. If they did, I would not be having the same exact issues all over again. I don’t know if I just got fed up or suddenly I had an epiphany that revealed the nonsenseness of my usual ways of attending the issues of my life.

The not knowing how to handle such simple matters of life scares the hell out of me especially I think I used to be very good at them. It actually freaks me out feeling so incapable of resolving simple life matters that needs quick resolution – at least it seems so.

Still, no matter how harsh and judgmental I try to be with myself, no matter how much craze I put myself under I just can’t do the old and I can’t come up with new ways just yet.

And here I am, standing completely helpless and lost in transition.

rumi zz


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The vicious circle of feeling undeserving

I have been very angry … I have been angry all my life, or most of it anyway, but recently it is a very weird kind of anger. I am painfully angry. so far, my anger was mostly vindictive, I was judging everything demanding things to be put right.

Recently I realized that what my anger hides is pain. Still, I did not understand what the pain was about. I started to understand however that my righteous anger was about the unfair turnout of my life. Somehow my life does not seem to resemble anything I have ever dreamed or hoped for. On top of it all, I am one of those unlucky bastards who actually did try to take responsibility for her life, to make a difference in my existence and still nothing. There is not one area of my life where I feel contented, loved, happy or even something similar to these.

So, as I was walking today I realized the vicious circle of doom I have been living in.

The first feeling was that I cannot accept this reality I am living in, no matter how hard I try and tell myself that it is OK, not everybody gets the life they dream of … then I though it is God’s fault. It is all because God does not love me because if He did I would not live in this doomed reality.

But why does not He love me?

Suddenly I started to hear from the distance of long-ago my parents’ voice “you can’t have this, you are such a bad child. Bad children deserve none of these nice things!” Well, I suspect I learnt that I am bad, and so I don’t deserve what I think would be nice to have. How could God love such a bad person?! And so the vicious circle is closed. I feel undeserving of anything nice, even of God’s Love. Therefore, I prevent myself of having these enjoyable and fun stuff and at the same time I am convinced that having a life that lacks all these nice things is because of God’s rejection of me – which does not come as a surprise since I am bad…

I am aware that it is all ME, ME, ME. I integrated my parents’ rejection, and I did such a great job that I convinced myself that the world, God, others reject me because they don’t get me. In the meantime deep inside I feel very bad about myself, I feel that I am a  bad person, I reject myself and, obviously, I cannot Love myself this way.

The tricky bit is feeling deserving which is a form of Loving. I am not sure how one feels deserving  when convinced of being undeserving. Not sure it is possible. On top of it all, I prove daily how undeserving I am by creating such a doomed reality for myself in which I feel rejected and refused of the things that would make life livable.

My only hope is that one day I may decide that I am actually deserving and will do my best to hold that thought long enough to change my reality … which will come very handy in order to prove how deserving I am. From that point onward it is rather easy … I am convicted that I am deserving! I hope God won’t lose patience in the meantime! :)


Artwork – Vicious Circle by Jacek Malczewski, National Museum, Poznań
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Some thoughts on resisting Life

So, it is the rock bottom, I HOPE! It is all a hell of a confusion, I am completely out of control  and freaked out. Every moment when something crazy or rather unbearable happens, I scream inside; What’s more?? Please, I accept, I accept it all, but please stop bringing on more!

I something have the feeling that it is about making me laugh … and until I manage to laugh at the unbearable lightness of being, He won’t stop. He is already having a laugh! He twists and turn me and my life around me. I am dizzy and scared. I keep on wanting to hold onto something, make some sense of what is happening, but there is nothing left to grab into.

Like the dervishes, I am spinning and spinning into enlightenment … I only hope, or my only hope, rather.

I am willing to accept all the adversities, at the same time I am struggling with deep fear  combined with loss of control, the need to know what is happening and why and whether I am gonna get out of it all alive or not.

I am not sure if I am good at this, however, I do understand that if I ever want to live in peace, if I want to give myself a chance to become all that I can be, I must accept it all just as it is, myself included, just as I am.


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Interestingly, with all that confusion, upset, rejection and loss I have been experiencing lately, I feel more alive than ever before. I am very sad, very, very sad, sad to the stomach and still this sadness somehow makes me feel alive. I somehow am less numb, I suspect.

I don’t see the light, I don’t hear God, I don’t hear the sound current, my meditations are simply non-existent … and still, I feel more being than before…how is it possible?


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My wayside spirituality

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making a life’ of sacrifice, fitting in, making it in the world and similar.

Well, I must have misunderstood something because I really felt I needed to give it a shot, to create, create and create, doing the very things I am so good at.

A few years down the line I find myself homeless (literally), penniless and extremely depressed.

I am sitting here wondering what went wrong …

Honest to God, my main intention is not to get rich and famous. I truly believe that I am very good at creating platforms for others to blossom, I am even good at not only creating the platform for them but supporting them how to co-create using that platform.

About 3 years ago I gave myself the gift of discovering and went on a three months journey into myself. As I was travelling around America meeting the most amazing people, I also realized who I am deep inside of me. After my travels ended I thought it was time to put my discoveries into practice and I started to focus on doing things that gave me pleasure and satisfaction. My focus and conviction that I am following my heart took me to another country, to many, many challenges, a lot of discouragement, even hardship. I do see what an amazing few years it has been, I do feel gratefulness in my heart towards all that supported me along the way, especially in realizing that following one’s heart has nothing to with happiness or satisfaction.

Where I got it wrong, I think, is where I thought that when one gives a shot to one’s heart’s desire it must end up being a success story. We all read about these amazing people who against all odds persevere and ‘succeed’ (whatever the world means to them). And I truly believed that I have the charisma to do just the same, to become this amazing creator person, this very happy lady who draws  satisfaction on simply looking into others’ eyes and seeing their joy that makes me think that it was all worth it. I have not seen much joy lately. I only saw harden eyebrows and flickering eyelashes. The only person whose laughter made my heart sing in the past six month was the little serious boy I took care of for a while.

Well, I do not know how to call what I have become after three horrendous years, however, I suspect I could call myself a bump. I am continuously homeless, mostly unemployed, I am hugely overweight, I look pretty bad, I feel unhappy, unhealthy, depressed and extremely angry. Well, I am not sure if it was worth the ride. On top of it all, I am one of those advocate guys, who preaches ‘going for it’ and ‘never giving up’ and that sort of things.

Nevertheless, every experience is unique and I should not deny myself from the benefits. Even thought I am not aware of the exceptional benefits of these few years at least one day maybe I can tell my grandchildren (probably others’ grandchildren) that I really gave it a go one day, to realize my heart desire. And I can probably add, by then, the learning what I will have gained by then.

For now, I must admit defeat. It is my turn now to rethink my strategy, accept what happened, accepting what is happening now … now… now … and move on … somewhere ..


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That is where I am at …


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I have run out of tools. Not as if I had many before. I had two. I screamed and shouted to let the other person know that whatever is happening is not OK with me. They did not get it. I don’t blame them. It must have been too much or too loud! The other one is to show what I need or how I need thinks to be done. I treat people the way I wish to be treated. It does not work either. Not very often anyway.  When I do that, I notice that others take me for a fool. They either look at me curiously, wondering what the trick is, where the cheat is or just laugh at my silliness. Yes, sure, there are some people who really get it, and when it happens it is like a miracle, it feels awesome!: ) It is worth trying for these moments, moments of true connections, the moment when the sparkle appears , and we both get it and start a mirror dance together, even for a moment … it is worth it.

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Two of my women

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a sweet and kind woman who really cares about others and wishes to offer her kindness to others. At the same time, she acts like someone who cares non about the other person living with her.  And I know for sure that this is not her intention. She just simply does not see her actions’ consequences. She is lost in her own world of confusion and drama and somehow noticing how the other person feels does not occur to her.

And I am not the sort to say anything. I just don’t know how to do that. I get more and more frustrated  then I leave. I understand that my behavior is just as childish as hers.

Her whole program is about clearing up the mess. Interestingly while she is doing that she actually creates even bigger mess.  And at the same time her cleaning is more like spreading the mess around. I don’t seem to notice the difference between the stages ‘before and after’. After a heavy scrubbing to the floor, it gets so sticky that it needs to be cleaned again.  The whole cleaning up doesn’t seem to produce the result I would expect: a clean house. I understand now, that the whole cleaning is about a desire coming from inside to see clearly, to clear the confusion out and so it does not show.

The house simply never seems to be clean and neat. It is partly due to the inattentiveness with which this house is cared for. I am not sure that it has been mended at all over the past 10 years. It is kind of falling apart, bits by bits.

There is always something left unattended, undone, unfinished, open, broken, dirty … to mend, to fix, to de-clutter …

Then, there is the other woman. The exact opposite of the previous one. She keeps a clean house with a cold mind. She never says a word, she puts on a straight face and she is mechanical. She lives in a clean house, a pre-planned life. She likes life expectable, assumable and predictable. She likes being prepared and when she isn’t she is thrown. She gets upset, she becomes mean, she tries to punish the other person who dared to do the unexpected and so forced her to deal with it.

Somehow I can relate to both of them. I can understand the complete confusion and how stressful it can be when you don’t know what’s happening in your life and you don’t feel capable of dealing with it. And I can also sympathize with the feeling of wanting to have order and predictability in your life and how upsetting it can get when you don’t feel capable maintaining that.

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I am enough!

I am enough

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I  have neither the time nor energy for a lot of things that need attending, especially myself. I have an exhausted body, low energy level, slight depression creeping in now, and an always ready soul who just does not get the meaning of the word ‘NO’.

I seem to be constantly busy with different  matters that are a bit about me but mostly they are about others. It is not obvious for an untrained eye but noticeable. The things that I spend most of my time with somehow concern mostly others in a way that it looks like my business. I am well trained so when I make others’ lives my business I do it in a subtle way, like taking on a job that requires me to take care of somebody who cannot take care of him/herself.

It is all tricky though because I do not do these ‘caring’ things because I really care about the people, I do them in order to protect myself. My thinking goes like this: until I am a good caretaker I am needed, I cannot be thrown out or be easily replaced – I am important.

By now, I have learnt to take care about others’ needs so well that I don’t even notice that I have needs on my own or I pretend not to have them.

But today is a new day. Until now I thought that the only way to survive is to take care of others. Today I understood that the only way to survive is to take care of myself. And I know now why.

You hear newage people say a lot these days ‘I do these things so to take care of myself’, but actually they have no idea what that means – big judgment here, however, true, for most anyway.  I know it because I did it myself. ‘Taking care’ was simply about trying to avoid doing the things I found challenging or was afraid of, so instead, I said ‘I’d prefer taking care of myself’.

Until we know what bears true meaning to us, we don’t know how to take care of ourselves. We go with the crowd and buy the things that they tell us to buy under the label of ‘because I am worth it!’ Well, I am worth way more than that!

Today I learnt what ‘taking care of myself’ means to me; it allows me the freedom to be. Let me show you the paradox. I take care of others so they would take care of me in return, so they appreciate me and make me feel important; I make sure they will need me so they won’t desert me. In the meantime I have no time or energy to do the things that fulfill me. So I am unhappy, unfulfilled, expecting a lot from the other person who does not deliver (does not even know that he/she should), I get upset and eventually all hell breaks loose and I scream. I am exhausted. I have nothing more to give. I start feeling scared that I won’t be important any more. But I have not more energy to invest into a lost cause. I move on to find another one to take care of.

A child can only feel free to express him/herself and forget about the world when he/she feels safe in the care of his/her caretaker. I can complain that I did not have the right caretakers but it would be pointless. I am also a grown up now. I am my best caretaker.

It took me a really long time to understand that the reason why I don’t live the life I think I deserve, that I am capable of is that I spend all my precious energy and time on creating others’ lives.

Realizing all this does not make it happen, unfortunately. A new phase is starting now whereas I catch myself when I do the usual stuff – taking care of others’ business – then I stop, I breathe, I don’t move, I stay with it (especially the discomfort of it) then I just let it pass. Then I take all that energy that I have saved upon not doing my usual routine and invest it in something meaningful to myself … like writing a book!

self care

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The Self-Abuser Squad

I am sitting here alone (my preference) reflecting on the past few months. I have recently realized how much self-abuse I inflict on myself that causes me to become a so-called ‘suffering cow’. Why on Earth, you might ask, would I cause myself so much pain and anguish? Well, there is always a cause and mine is called ‘Goodness, Strength and Superiority at all costs’. Since I use these layers of thinking and behavioural patterns to make my life miserable I started to call them all ‘the Self-Abuser Squad’! (God Bless my sense of Humour!)

As I was contemplating over the passing year that we are leaving soon behind, I realized that I sacrifice my chance for a good life on the altar of ‘Holy Goodness’. It often reminds me of the Bible where it says somewhere that the ones who are good with inherit the Heavens, or something similar. Well, I am not sure if it is my expectation; however, there is a desperate need inside of me somewhere to be considered really-really good that may even be called ‘Holy Good’ because it makes me feel superior to others. I suspect that, behind my need for being good is a fear of not being good enough and my need to feel superior is a strong sense of inferiority.

The only issue with me trying to be ‘so good’ and ‘above all’ is the price I pay for it, amongst many, the highest is my relationship with God, because in my tiny brain, somehow in my drive for being good and exceptional I blame God for making me a ‘sacrificial lamb’ in the name of Goodness because He only loves the good ones, the ones that suffer the most. I know that none of it is true but my Squad’s existence is based upon these beliefs.

So, how does my Self-Abuser Squad operate? They simply make sure I suffer in the name of Goodness , Strength and Superiority.

My life, constantly, seems to be in turmoil. It is full of drama, layer after layer, caused especially by a reoccurring theme, I call, ‘safetynetlessness’. It feels as if I am inconstant free falling without a safety net underneath me. This is one of the main layers of my Squad because this one has the power to stop me, at any time, to do what I am about to do, no matter how ‘high’ I am on life. This debilitating layer, somehow, is also my most reliable ally in making sure that I sustain pain and suffering in my life via creating situations and circumstances that are pretty uncomfortable and scary. It also makes me feel that I am in lack of things that I essential for my well-being, one of many is my freedom of choice to do what I please. It also makes me feel bound to and reliant on others’ kindness and mercy as a net replacement which would not be a problem if I did not use it to avoid putting down boundaries. I feel that I owe them something in return for their kindness and mercy.

And here comes the next layer of my Squad the ‘meritless’. This layer makes sure that I never get what I think I ought to in basically any area of my life since I form no right to any success or achievement in any way. As a result of this dramatic thread in me, my life is not even close to what I would call joyous or creative. It is rather miserable. I noticed, that even at times when I manage to elevate myself above my insecurities and/or my ‘undeservingness and create circumstances that allow me to have more freedom of choice my Squad still makes sure that I am provided with a thread that makes me suffer. For instance, there is an additional layer that I call the ‘geographical side-kick’ which makes sure that different places make my life unbearable in different ways. Some of the ‘geographical side-kicks’ ensure different kinds of ‘safetynetless’ or feeling of ‘meritnessless’. The Game of the Squad stays but the rules change from place to place.

I also noticed, that these layers above, also make me be fearful of having any means at all and living without the daily challenges of not having the appropriate resources. Part of the reason is what the Squad tells me: “when you don’t own anything you don’t owe anything” and that “only good people are made suffer so they prove their loyalty to God against all odds” in my grandma’s voice. In return, I can feel like a ‘the heroin enduring all odds’, that somehow makes me feel special and good about myself. How ‘holy’ stupid!

It saddens me deeply to see how much I am ripped off  by my Squad, who actually mean well, when I look at myself and see how many different talents I possess and how small appreciation I allow myself to receive for them. My Squad makes sure of that. Each time I attempt to do something that is meaningful to me, where my talents could be used and a whole lot of appreciation is at sight, my Squad steps in and creates situations whereas I must leave the creative project at once in order to addend to some immediate dramatic occurrence in my life – mostly related to somebody else, because I need to feel good about myself – or it twists and turns events in a manner that I eventually find myself lack of resources that would support me to carry on with my project. Whichever is the case, the aim is that I am stopped and forced to do divert from my course and crawl back to some old and boring.

But my Squad does not end here!

There are a couple of more layers of patterns to make sure if the above layers fail to make me feel miserable, there are others to join forces. There is one, in particular, which is a hard son of a gun. Self-abuse put in the hands of others with which I give others permission to hurt me in different ways. All in the name of being ‘holy good’!

I don’t really have a name for this Squad member because it is a fairly complex one, a regiment within the army. It goes like this:  the regiment somehow makes me use others and circumstances to make sure that I feel disappointed, betrayed, let down, and disrespected.

People, who unknowingly agree playing in my betrayal game, do something that I take as a violation on our friendship and I consider that a betrayal. I don’t exactly understand how it works; it seems that there are some ‘ideals’ that I hold true for myself and when others do not comply with these ideal, I consider their behaviour a betrayal. As a response to my self-ignited disappointment I turn away from these people whom I feel have let me down. I withdraw my care and love for them and move away from them.

In most cases people who do ‘disrespectful’ to me are not ill meaning; they only assume that their behaviour is OK with me because I don’t object. I remember that when I was younger I, at least, screamed and shouted when I was treated bad and to let others know that something was not OK. Not any more, I don’t do or say anything anymore. When it gets too bad, I uproot and leave without saying a word.

This regiment has a subdivision called ‘walk through me’ wearing a signs saying ‘free crossing, walk over me!‘ on its forehead. The way it works is that it simply does not allow me to put down any boundaries around me or to stand up for myself when I need it the most. This ‘boundarilessness’ subdivision forms part of another part of this regiment that I call the ‘suffering cow’. This subdivision orders me to suffer together with others because if I do I can get a bit more of  ‘feeling good about myself’ in some inexplicable and weird way. Therefore, I constantly find myself in situations where I suffer other’s drama without me particularly being involved in them.

Occasionally, I get in these intertwined soap-opera like dramas and allow them to have an impact on me in a way that they transfer me into a place where I feel scared and frozen, not knowing how to exit the situation. I sometimes wonder if it is me who is actually in need of so much drama that is why I attract them or I just feel obliged to stick around for moral support.

However, it is also true to say that I grew up in a family with a whole lot of drama and I remember wondering as a child ‘what does it all have to do with me?’ I used to engage in them more actively by offering creative solutions or even trying to sort them out for different family members. Mostly though, – maybe this is an improvement on my behalf – nowadays, I am rather a witness to others’ pain and anguish and ‘my job’ seems to be reduced to a sufferer via not putting down any boundaries or separating myself from them and their dramas. The whole game is set up until the last bit of detail. My subdivision tells me that I am obliged to stay with these major sufferers through their drama and should allow them to either let it down on me or get away with actions that is hurtful in the name of ‘empathizing’ with their them. At the same time it is allowed that others act disrespectfully and/or abusively with me while suffering their dramas on the grounds of their pain is greater than mine and/or their  previous good ‘deeds’ towards me making me indebted to them.  As a result, I never seem to say “NO, it is just so not OK what you are doing!

They make me feel strong, goooooooooood and superior, though!

Naturally, there is a linking subdivision that is not satisfied until I put others in front of me in satisfying their needs. Others’ needs are always more important than mine. I feel obliged to be the ‘older’ who allows the ‘little other ones’ to take what they need first and then I try and meet my own needs from the left-over. And this is my Big Game, this is how I gain a ‘true’ sense of goodness, strength and superiority’ about myself. I feel that I am a good and strong  person when I support others putting my stuff or my life on the side while they have a go at life  and I don’t say ‘no’ to any of their requests while I am in great need of the most basics of life.

The downside, amongst many, is my relationships that suffer my Self-Abuser Squad the most. By now, they are non-existent.  On the request of my Squad I turn into the leader of my Squad, a harsh officer, who requests the best, perfection, and if we fail to comply, we are doomed and punished harshly. Just to make sure I still stay ‘good’ in all this, I start feeling guilty and blaming myself for not being more patient or understanding with my family and friends. By now, I managed to turn the whole story against me and we are back at where we started: self-abuse.

It is hard to see where it all starts or finishes because all the layers or so called regiments and subdivisions of my Self-Abuser Squad are like a web that nets across my whole existence.

After all the contemplation on my Squad, I arrived to the point where I feel I’ve had enough of trying so hard to be good, tough and superior. After all the awareness that I possess, what is it still about me that make it impossible for me to induce changes that would create some stability in my life and would make my life journey more joyful and less burdensome?

I think I know the answer to that question. It is more important for me to be seen as a ‘good suffering Samaritan and the Heroin’ than to be seen simply ‘happy’. Somehow being happy does not have value to me.

At the end of the day, there is nobody to be good or strong for. The only person who would truly appreciate my goodness and strength is me and this is the person who gets the least of it.

So, the bottom line is HONOUR. Who is going to HONOUR me if I don’t HONOUR myself for who I am instead of what I pretend to be?

On a final note, I am also curious to see what it is that I can finally bring in – after feeling so sorry for myself for decades because of the hardship that I had to endure with my Squad on my back – when I am free and myself again, the real me. I am so excited to know what it is gonna be like and what it is that I will offer, that special something, that unique quality, that I see present so profoundly in all who I consider ‘freed’. I consider these qualities aspects of God that we all individually embody and express in the world – also for God to be able to experience Himself through these qualities. I wish so much to e free to live that quality whatever it maybe. I don’t mind not being ‘very good, strong or superior’ any more!

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Never look back

Gen  19: “16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters, Jehovah being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the Plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.24 Then Jehovah rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from Jehovah out of heaven;25 and he overthrew those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.”

What keeps on bringing me back here in the valley of doom and despair?

Each time I look, I became a pillar of salt, back where I started

And still, I keep looking back – but why? What makes it so hard to keep my gaze upon where I am heading; the new life that is waiting for me beyond the horizon

For a long time I thought that it is my family, that they need me and my nation that I can enlighten with my charisma and good deeds

Oh, I know it so well, it is all me, after all. It is only the picture I hold of myself, frozen into a pillar of salt, that I can’t leave behind

The bleeding martyr, the Jean D’Arc inside of me

Who am I if I am not this person who I thought I was? I keep on looking back over my shoulder, holding onto this image I created around myself long ago

Who am I if I am not the statue of Goodness, the saviour of many?

It’s time to take a leap of faith and though the road ahead is not paved just yet, I take that leap without looking back upon what is behind me, focusing merely on what’s ahead even though it is not apparent just yet what it maybe

Who I was does not exist any more, only in my looking-back, who I am is awaiting to be discovered trough my faith in the unknown

pillar of salt

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Love is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how most unloving we tend to be during these days. We somehow turned these days from spirit into earth and dust by concentrating on buying pricy presents that would represent loving and care for a loved one or more like, in my opinion, instead of the love and care we could/should actually give to each other.

Most of us manically run around town finding the best and most precious present that would give the feeling to the recipient that she/he is loved. In vain.

Down here, in the dust, there is no such things as Love really. Not in a way as it exists in the Heart of God, anyway. There are only replacement emotions we try and create by either manipulating each other into doing things or being the way we appreciate or try and meet others’ expectations. All in the name of Love. At the end of the day, however, most of us feel empty and unloved.

When Christmas comes, hopes for feeling loved and cared for raise even higher. We have somehow made each other believe along the way that this is the time of year when we make miracles and will love each other in some special way that we have not managed until now. But we can’t deliver, not because we don’t want to but because we simply can’t give something we don’t have. We do not possess the Love we promise to give, especially around Christmas time, because we do not know what that is or we do not remember what it is like.

We buy all the presents to show how much love and care we have for each other but we avoid the very things that may hold, at least, some experiences of Love like standing silently around the Christmas tree, looking in each others’ eyes and noticing God’ Loving presence there looking back at us from every single face as we are seeing beyond all preconceptions and expectations we have for one another that usually prevents us from expressing real Loving for each other.

This time of year is simply a reminder that Love is all around. Though it isn’t in the presents we buy for each other but in each pair of eyes we dare to look into and allow ourselves to be touched by. That is a true experience of Love.

chx tree

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Moving on

Feeling stupid. How could I do this to myself? How could I believe for even a second that it will turn out to be great. And it didn’t. I am at one of my worst’s and there is nobody to blame. I have made all the decisions that led me here where I am today. How could I trust that following some feeble dream will make it happen and cause me to feel happy and satisfied? There is no such thing as happiness, there is no fate to trust or follow, and there is no intervening God to stop you or catch you when you fall. You land on your face, just as I have. It is time to shake of the dust of the past ten years, stand up, say a big thank you but no more, thank you … and move over to greener pastures.

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The pain of resistance

I heard once that the pain comes from resisting life, resisting living life for what it is. The pain is the price that we pay for wanting something else, complaining for not having what we think we should have while not realizing what we actually have.

Well, I have a bit of an issue with the above.

It is very hard to accept not having 90% of the things/feelings that you wish you had. There is a lot of pain comes with the not having and it does not mean that I don’t notice what I actually have in my life. I am simply aware that the things that usually bring me pleasure and happiness are just not there. I am also aware that there are little things that bring me joy and have entertainment  value for me. Simply in comparison those that miss are way bigger than the ones that are there.

Yes, it is all a matter of how you look at it, half empty or half full. Surely, it is all measured by my limited view on Life but I am not a monk or an enlightened master to judge otherwise. This is my reality and that is just it.

On the other hand I am also clear that I have stopped resisting Life. However, I notice that Life does not tend to like the same things I do. So, I am sad most of the time for not being provided with the nice things in life but rather with the crappy ones that we call educational.

So, I am either angry or sad most of the time and at the end of the day, there is nobody to turn to for consolation.  There is nothing else to do but to accept the reality I created for myself by looking at a half empty glass most of my life. And it may just be an act of resisting Life …

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“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” Khalil Gibran
How appropriate! The garden of good and evil*. Between the Earth and the Heavens. I suspect that until one chooses the garden of good and so lives in the garden of evil there is a constant longing for finally entering the other garden and arriving ‘home’. Until then, it but a lot of sadness, the sadness of longing and not having.

*I am using the word without any religious reference.

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And So Will I Wonder…?


I lived, but then in living I was feeble in life and
always knew that they would bury me here in the end,
that year piles upon year, clod on clod, stone on stone,
that the body swells and in the cool, maggot-
infested darkness, the naked bone will shiver.
That above, scuttling time is rummaging through my poems
and that I will sink deeper into the ground.
All this I knew. But tell me, the work–did that live on?

by Miklos Radnoti (Hungarian Poet)




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“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.”

Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own destinies. However, it is not the truth we are all free to choose our destinies as well as acting upon a sense of freedom or imprisonment.

My imprisonment is about safety. No matter how horrible it may be, I still in some inexplicable way feel safe behind the bars of my self-imposed cell. It feel almost unbearable and no matter how much I hate it, I seem to recreate it.

My imprisonment is a belief that I must bare other people’s cruelty, abuse (mostly verbal) and neglect while I cannot express my needs or feelings because they will not be accepted and/or understood and/or others will make me feel wrong and stupid upon hearing them. They may even laugh at me if they hear what I need if they pay attention at all. I feel like a sacrificial lamb each time I realize that I recreated my prison with my special prisoner or prisoners who act their part impeccably. Obviously, it looks as if I was imposed by a bad-bad and cruel person.

My prisoners are people who usually have a lot of issues with themselves, they have their own inner Nazi punishing them around and making them feel ashamed and guilty all the time. So, in some way, they all in a state of constant self-defense, they are not at all open to hear the other person, what he/she has to say, because they constantly run their own self-inflicted punishment story in their heads what they experience as coming from the other person. So, they do not hear what they other says but what they think the other says which is always about them having done something wrong, so they have to present a proper self-defence story – of which they are thinking about while the other is talking – which prevents them from hearing the other person on the first place. They stay in a parallel universe where the other person is completely closed off and being ignored.

What is the benefit of my imprisonment?

There is nothing I actually need to do. As long as I believe that no matter what I would do or say, people would not respond positively and/or listen to me, I can avoid feeling vulnerable and putting myself out to be hurt. Besides, I have not idea how to say what I need or feel. I can only scream or shout, what I learnt, anyway. I can run away eventually being convinced that that person, again, did not love me or cared about me and the best I could do was getting out of there. Finally, this is the way how I convince myself to be alone – the safest place to be.

How about more responsibility for my freedom? How about not allowing more abuse by expressing me no matter what, letting tears run if needs be, learning to say what is true for me in a way that makes me attract people who can hear me out? How about that?


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I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable.

No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me out from all angles. She even asks for my passport once again to scan it in, in case of emergency – I suppose.

She cannot name her sense of discomfort when it comes to me she just feels a strange kind of disease when around me. Does she sense my own feeling of disease? Probably, the more I try and seem regular – so to ease her discomfort – the more uncomfortable she feels.

I should just trust more that what is for me will not pass me and what does that must go.  Since taking care of her only son is my only source of income, I try and play the game, I try walk with her, whatever she needs to feel at ease I try and provide. In vain. It is me who is not at ease with this whole situation.

My only hope is that the boy will like me and will want to spend some time with me. That would probably support her to trust me, at least to a certain degree. Not being able to fit her usual frame of mind regarding people makes her suspicious. I understand. I would be too if it was about my only child.

I wish to be more at ease myself. I don’t trust myself that I can do the normal things, that I can meet her expectations. I know I am responsible and can take care of him, but I am not sure that the things I would do – and would drag him along with me – are the kinds of things that she finds normal. I must find the way to trust that what happens is all OK – for us all.

It may just work out for us all. We may just have great experiences with this situation.

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My creation

I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill.  It feels as if God has never existed; hid behind the greatest grey cloud there is. Out of sight, touch, sense, even taste. It is just a splitting headache without a cure.

I am just silly, really. I am such a child. There is no great God, saviour of the poor. It is all ME, no matter how much I try and blame God, the world or others for my gloom and doom. It is all your creation, dear. No doubt about that. This is the saddest bit. I do this crap to myself.

I live a life that occasionally makes me feel suicidal. The only reason why I don’t commit it is that I am too bloody scared of dying, the unknowing and the permanence of it. Death is unchangeable in this state of form. And I am never sure I hate this form enough to lose it forever.

I am an exceptionally creative, musical, accomplished, generally funny and pretty smart person. But you would not know it by looking at my life. I am homeless. Not the general kind of homeless, I don’t live on the street of a big city, I live in other peoples’ homes. I don’t own anything. I travel light. I am constantly on the move. I am unsettled. I am never settled. I may stay at a place for a while but then I move on without any apparent reason; I just don’t like the place anymore, I just have a new idea that takes me a new place, so I move on. I don’t have a job. I have ideas that I try to realize, most of the time, they pay me only enough to move onto the next project and/or to the next location. Then I am broke. Then I get back onto my feet. Then I move on.

Some people tell me that they always dreamt of having a life like mine. Interestingly, I don’t appreciate it that much. I often wish I had some more stability in my life, some firm foundation that is always there, wherever I am, that holds me, takes care of me, caresses me when I need it. Most people live this way. We live in a world where we believe that such a secure  ‘thing’ can be found and it is supposed to be something concrete outside ourselves, a house, a partner, a parent, a child, an investment … you name it. I think, this secure place/person is meant to be inside of oneself.

And this is what I miss. This is why I don’t appreciate about my life. That’s why I am so exhausted all the time. Though, I am not looking for a safe person or place out there anymore. I know better. I still don’t have ‘ it’  inside of me, either. No man’s land. Neither with, nor without. But still not tangible. This life and my position in life, though it may look very care free, it is also very instable and unnerving.

Though I know (I have the experience of it)  that I am always safe, I am not open to experience certain types of experiences that tend to be rather uncomfortable, though I know that freedom and trust in the Universe do come with a lot of discomfort, occasionally. The discomfort comes with the moving about and starting all over again when it is time to accomplish or learn something new. Most people don’t choose the kind of life I live because it can very uncomfortable. I understand them, and in some ways I agree with them. I wish I had known better. When I get very tired of my adventurous life and just want some peace and stability that is when I get low. The spiral goes all the way down to suicide.

Well, if it is all my creation … I wish I could create something more lively and joyous for myself; less hardship, less mistakes, less negative experiences and more ease and fun. I still don’t know how to do that, how to make this journey that is undoubtedly adventurous and interesting more fun and light-hearted …

Please, look at me with more loving eyes so I can love myself more …

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Most people, I know, has a demon inside him that either horrifies him or criticize him vigorously.

My demon is a Nazi army officer. She tells me what a stupid and useless person I am, how ridiculous I am, especially, when I try so hard and get nothing at the end. She laughs at me when she sees my trials and errors, when I fall and can hardly make myself stand again.

She is vicious. She gets her buzz from seeing me fail and struggle. She feels powerful by seeing me fall. ‘I told you so!’

For a while I thought, all my troubles and hardship was because of this ruthless world that does not spare anybody where you fight until you basically die of exhaustion. But now I know, that it is not the surrounding world that kills me but the Nazi inside. Though not intentionally.

Nothing stops my inner bitch. She drives me up the wall and squeezes me until I give in, I give up and fall. In some ways, I fight her when I fight the world. I created her to protect me but now she turned on me trying to run my every wake moment, to have control over me.

She scares the hell out of me with her viciousness. She stands behind me with one eyebrow raised, with a barbarous grin on her face. She stands and a waits for me to screw up then she says ‘you see, I told you! Stand up! Rub off the dirt from your trousers and wipe off your tears! No tear is worth it! Be a big girl! Shake off the pain of your failure and move on! Stop being so sensitive and earnest! Only the toughest and meanest can survive this plane! Get a grip on yourself!’

That’s when I get angry with myself. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known better, I shouldn’t have tried, I should have listened to her when she said, ‘this world will give you nothing, your dreams are like an odour in the wind will be blown away each time you remember them. You better forget them. Look at the harsh reality of your existence and accept it for what it is: Misery.’

Actually, she tries to protect me from failure, but eventually she only makes me miserable and feel like a total failure, who may seem tough in the world, but at the end of the day, is only a scared child.

And this is the other person inside, this wallflower. This lost child, without any sense of direction on her own but with lots of curiosity and oodles of fun.

They don’t get along and I feel schizophrenic. One says, ‘let’s go, let’s give it a try, let’s discover the world and have lots of fun with it, while the other stands there grim faced with a shadow hanging above her saying ‘go and see how the world destroys you, my child!’

And this goes on every day, I live in constant contradictions. I am either high and hyper or low and miserable depending on which personality of mine is having her day.

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Victim of abuse

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why.

Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being a victim, I simply can’t handle it, I can’t get it out of my mind. Each time ’it’ occurs, I become a victim and I run – even if there is nowhere to run, I feel like running away, immediately, out of the situation that I can’t handle or resolve. I suddenly feel responsible for what is happening but I don’t seem to be able to change it, change how we feel or how I act.

I suspect it has something to do with my ’self image’. As soon as I am out of my comfort zone, I do something; I act in some way that urges others to protest against me. They say, I make them feel stressed, I generate some ’heat’ that makes them react. Honestly, I don’t see how I am doing it. This is the victimization bit. My reasoning is that I must hold an image about myself who is ’difficult’ and/or difficult to live with or get along with. I heard this more often than not.

Actually it does not matter who’s right, if my reasoning is just or not. At the end of the day, it is as simple as that – I can’t change the way I am, I am not aware of my ’wrong doings’, I don’t consider them ’wrong doings’.  My preference is simply living with, being surrounded with, working with, co-habiting with – you name it –  people who just like me the way I am, with all my ’wrong doings’, with the heat I generate. With people who care about me enough to see and feel that I am stressed, that I am out of my wits and that I need something else rather  than being scolded and being victimized. I prefer being alone than being surrounded with people who ’don’t like my ways’ and don’t care about me.

Somehow, suddenly, it seems that if we all moved on when felt ’victimized’,  towards people who actually liked us and cared about us – if we could believe that there is somebody out there who loved us just as we are – we would not feel so bad about ourselves. Only if we had the courage to challenge our basic beliefs about ourselves, then we would move on; we would get free.

I probably would not be so angry all the time. I would not feel abused all the time.

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I fell in Love

I fell in Love with God
A long, long time ago.
Our relationship is like most
Old couples’;

I am grumpy when I feel let down
And He is forever forgiving
Towards all my flaws.
The passion has deceased

Still our Love is burning
In flames,
As we look at each other and I
Realize how marvellous I am in His eyes.


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Today is Epiphany

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”) is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe breakthrough scientific, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realization allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective.


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Living who I TRULY am is my Service to God and To all His children I ever meet in this course of life This way I am a living example of his Loving – for us all His loving is expressed in the form through our living our True-Self And it always looks ‘different’ with every single one of us You are just as special – a unique expression of God – as myself Please, let’s remind ourselves of that … often!

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Mea culpa

You either abuse me or take me for dirt
And still it is my fault
Mea culpa

Obviously I am incapable of presenting and communicating myself
As a respectable human being
Though, I can’t think how I would be able to
Since nobody ever treated me that way
Nobody ever showed me how it is done

So, it is my task now to stop screaming and yelling
As a form of defense
And start somehow communicating my need for respect
And take full responsibility for the way I am treated

But how would I change? How would I you do it differently?
Am I at all respectable? Can I be treated nice? Can I be taken for a human being instead of a machine?
What is it about me that offers surface for bad treatment? How is it that I offer myself for abuse?

What’s next?

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Sophisticated shit vs. grace

Interestingly her issues after all reflect mine too. I don’t think I am so far off, but I do see myself reflected in her behaviour. I am reserved meaning I withhold myself from others in protection of my integrity and sense of self, trying to avoid constant humiliation and ridicule. At the same time I see what a lonely game it became by being reticent.  I feel safer, only some but definitely much lonelier. I don’t know the answers; I am just reflecting on what I have figured.

I don’t think there is a way out of our games. By understanding the crap we swim in only makes the shit seem sophisticated but not more bearable. Grace is the only way out if you are lucky enough to notice when it is bestowed upon you …

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My smell

It is like an unmistakable smell animals trace for their pray. I can stand miles away, my smell caught by the needy. My unspoken promise – to sort it all out, have all the answers and take all the responsibility – marks me from a long distance. And you find me with ease. You ask your questions you make your request, you pass your responsibility on and I take them on without a slight hesitation. We both know the deal: I want your love, you want my service. Deal is done. I don’t even need to advertise my services; you know the smell you are looking for and I stand expecting you any time.

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She hates her life so much that no matter how much she is scared of death – the last breath of human existence – the very thought of death being the release and setting one free from the unbearable agony of living welcomes it at any moment. It is sad and still beautiful – she grasped the depth of death: instead of being scared of the end, she welcomes the beginning of all existence (even if it may only be for a short while before the new entrapment).

She understands the crying poet wishing death upon himself – it is the only way a human can slide silently into freedom, absolute liberty.

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Puppet show

It is funny and sad when I look around myself – myself included. It is like a mechanical puppet show. I know which string to pull to get a certain reaction. I know what to say – we have been refining for years the very words that trigger specific responses. I still don’t know if we know each other too well or too little.

Sometimes I play around just to ease my boredom and frustration. I don’t even need to plan it any more, I just say the word, make the gesture or face to trigger the response I have seen or heard a million times over the years. We have not changed a bit. We are both, you and me, triggered by exactly the same things.

The only slight difference is that this time I am also observing the puppet show besides participating in it.

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He is the statue of passivity and repressed anger. He functions like Pavlov’s dog, most predictably: when questioned about his lack of touch with anything around him or his lack of care for anything but the games that takes his mind off all the worries he is scared to face (or thinks he is incapable of), he swings into a passive-aggressive rage accompanied with a diminishing laugh which has no smile to it.


She is worried only because she can’t handle any of it. The slightest difference to her normal running of business can upset her so badly that she sails into being a witch anathematizing the whole world. How dare they – those nobodies out there – rock her boat of blissful oblivion, despair and bitterness when she is desperately content with it? When the world presents her a new, anything that is out of the ordinary, the used-to, anything in a different shape or form, anything that alters from her sense of norm and comfort (which does not at all mean it is comfortable), she screams like a little princess for help and salvation – anything but outside of her own self.

Questioning the justness of their reality is met with ridicule and must be put down by any means available.

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My greatest shame and guilt

I have wondered all my adult life what it is that I am so ashamed of, that I feel so guilty about.

Today it downed on me – I am ashamed of being a ‘Hungarian’ as if it meant being a leper.

I have always felt cursed in some way.

I have thought about it plenty considering if I had done something real bad.

So bad that I just can’t allow it to surface into my consciousness fearing that I won’t be able to live with it.

Nothing has come, no memory of horror surfaced.

I don’t remember who started this but somebody must have felt really bad about being a Hungarian in my family because it landed on me like a curse.

And the National Anthem only added a touch more shame and embarrasment to it.

The bizarre bit is that I also feel guilty about feeling ashamed of being a Hungarian.

The National Anthem declares us to be firmly rooted in our land, not being able to ever leave – we must live and die here, no matter what.

As long as I can remember I wanted to leave this place. The first time I visited another continent I wanted to stay there, but I returned because of my grandmother whom I loved so dearly, whom I thought I could not leave without. Later I moved to the States but eventually I found myself in Hungary again. Finally I managed to settle in the UK but only for a few years before I thought I must return to Hungary and do something good there, to give back in return for… what exactly?

Anyway, I figured that there must have been somebody in my family, I guess my grandma, who could not leave this place she always hated. In 1956, she planned her refuge with her best friend and her family. But she could not leave because she had a dying husband to take care of and two little children at that time when borders where open for a short while before closing for 3 decades. I think she has always blamed this place for her fate and a lifetime of misery and I can understand that. First she lost her mother who could not handle the growing fascism and doom then she lost her beloved husband who could not live with the socialist regime and finally she lost all she had ever owned to a totalitarian government.

She raised me.

She passed her hatred down to me.

All my life I wanted to leave here, but couldn’t.

All along the National Anthem has worked inside of me like an affirmation – ‘you must live and die here’. And so I became a wonderer who never settles, who is a homeless. I can’t live in Hungary but I can’t live anywhere else either because my conscience won’t allow me to do so.

However, what’s most disturbing is that hating a nation, I sort of belong to, means that there is a part of me I detest. There is a part of me I want to cut off like a dead limb though I can’t. So I am running in circles while hating myself, part of me anyway only because she is a Hungarian …

It is time to break the spell and find ‘home’, girl!

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Mother’s day

Well, today is mother’s day.

My mother asked me why I have drawn a flower for her.

I said , ‘because I don’t have the means to go out and get you a bunch’.

She said, ‘no, no, I mean why did you do it’

‘You are my mother, you gave birth to me, it is your day, I congratulate you, that’s why’

‘I see’, she says and goes on…

I have a strenuous relationship with my mum because she did not have a chance to be a mother. She stayed forever a little princess girl like her father wanted her to be. That role saved her from all efforts and prevented her from being an adult  – a mother with children.

When she asked, ‘why I am rude to her’, I just said, I am not rude, I just don’t play your games any more, and so you feel hurt’. I did not have the chance to continue, because she thought she needed to say what she does not like and want differently. She told me, the she does her best to be out of my way so I won’t hurt her feelings;  she explained that she thinks if I looked inside of me I would see how wrong I am in my behaviour that she does not deserve.

She is right. I do look rude in my doings because I don’t let her get away with being a little girl any more, I don’t let her not taking responsibility for her actions even if she does them in complete oblivion.

I think I am fed up finding a good excuse for everybody to do their shit and I just say – like Jesus said – God, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing. I am not Jesus. I am just a human being who has taken enough abuse under the disguise of being Jesus.  There is always a reason why people behave the way they do, no question about that. My mum had no mum but her sister raised her. Her father in protecting her to feel motherless, he allowed her all the freedom to be a careless princess, to be selfish and self-centred. But not taking any responsibility for her life as an adult has no excuse to it. Making her family and children serve but one purpose to obey while she reigns has no a good excuse to get away with. Though she has. She has been excused from ‘good’ behaviour all her life with being pitied for being a motherless child, a little girl who simply does not know how to do ‘it’ whatever it may be.

My answer to your questions, mother, is that I have also been a motherless child all my life. You have no right to claim to be my mother, but on the grounds of giving birth to me, the rest was performed by many other women in my life. You did not know how to be a mther, neither did you think you should.

Well, yes, another said story. It is hopefully time to move on, to let go, understanding that she won’t change and I will never have the mother I wished for myself. I  must grow up and become a happy adult – hopefully a mum one day –  from this motherless child.

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Life owes me nothing

There was nobody available for us children

To take care, to hold, to lead

To love

We grew like mushrooms after a hard rain

The others learnt to protect themselves

By pleasing others and disappearing behind a cloud of

Self-destruction and self-abuse

I learnt to be angry and take revenge

By hiding my heart in an armoured treasure box and

Putting on a fierce look with two clenched fists

I took on the world that wronged me

With the intention to make it pay for

Every single scar I suffered

Only that, as a result, I became lonelier and lonelier

More and more distanced

With each day I spent in revenge

I suppose, Life owes me nothing

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She reminds me of my mother

Selfish pretending to be kind and supportive

Though all her actions are driven by one single cause

To feel safe and protected


Each time I think of her

I see her smile and the fright in her eyes

That drives her to sell out,

To lie, to betray


She pretends to be strong and capable

Though it is challenging for her to decide upon the smallest things

She does not own her own choices

That she traded long ago for a protective blanket


I detest her

I can’t forgive her

For not having provided all that a mother should

In protection of herself


I am so scared to turn out to be like her

That I run like a hunted animal

Cross oceans, lands and seas

I am in constant exile from myself

Until I forgive and find peace

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The  punishment is justified

I am bad, bad, bad …

Nobody can prove me wrong

Nobody can prove otherwise

I have been told too many times

To change my mind about it

My heart is set on the purgatory

The sinner of the sinners

Resurrection must await some more

I am on my way to burn in hell

Before I openly admit that

I am just one of Jesus’ lost lambs

Begging for forgiveness


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My brother

My brother is an addict

Like a brainless zombie

His eyes are forever fixed on the screen

His brain is captured by dragons and demons

Click, click, click …

Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years pass

Without him realizing

His mind is being occupied with its distractions

He does not even notice that

He is drowning in his own vomit

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A whole in my heart

Loneliness shot a hole through my heart

I fell on the ground

Tears like blood poured out

From the hole of a bottomless well

That used to be my heart

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The Beauty and the Beast

The Beauty and the Beast

Are the same person.

The day when her heart froze with fear and loneliness

The Beauty was cast a magic spell and turned into the loveless Beast

… and so she survived the worst …

Until the Saviour arrived

In the form of pure Love.

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To sum it up

Though I am scared of vanishing
I am also hoping that this ends here
Because there is not much more of this I can bear
Not as if I am not grateful that I got this chance
– That I may have blown, anyway –
Still it has not gone as it has been anticipated
Without comparing this to any other one
I must admit
It has been challenging – without a moment of lapse
There were times I call a gift
To remember only the good
However, my greatest regret is that
I have allowed my circumstances
To spoil all the fun.

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My mother

Her bitterness is like a dart
that pierces our hearts.
We all want her to be happy,
we all respond in our own special way.

I want her to change:
to pick up her pieces, take responsibility for her life
and enjoy herself just for being alive.
I want her to understand that Life is but
a unique opportunity for enlightenment.

My brother wants to make her laugh,
He wants to bring the smile back onto her pale, sad face.
He believes that by giving up his own life
and caring for her he will gain redemption
for his sin of not being good enough.

My father gave up on her long ago.
He used to give her the treasures of the earth
but nothing seemed to have joyed her enough.
So, in response, he retrieved into acute alcoholism.

Not her; she has not given up on
blaming the world for her sorrows.
She reings like a queen while pretending to be
a servant of her environment.
In her desperation, pain and anguish
she demands her birthright:
to be entertained, to be cared for,
to be saved from her own self-imposed doom.

Except, nobody can help.
Her bitterness and loath have spoilt
her Heart for good.

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I should know better …

I am not willing to let go of the desire to make them see who I am, how good I am, how special and unique I am.

But they never see me. They see somebody who they think I am.
Probably for long I tried to fit myself into that funny suit, but in vain. I am not what they want me to be just like they are not who I want them to be.

And I am simply holding on to a dream, and idea that never existed – the prefect family, people who love you for who you are, people who care for you, a place where you matter … only a dream that I can’t let go of … and so I suffer it a lot.

Just realizing, after all, nobody will ever be the way I ‘imagine’  them to be, they are always gonna be the way they imagine themselves to be. Such a silly world really!

I must let go … sooner or later …

Hopefully sooner, so I can get free.

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Symbolisms of the Dragonfly (extracts)

Maturity and a Depth of character
The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

Defeat of Self Created Illusions
The dragonfly exhibits iridescence both on its wings as well as on its body. Iridescence is the property of an object to show itself in different colours depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it.

This property is seen and believed as the end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.

Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment
The dragonfly normally lives most of its life as a nymph or an immature. It flies only for a fraction of its life and usually not more than a few months. This adult dragonfly does it all in these few months and leaves nothing to be desired. This style of life symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis.


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Reminder so to hang in there…

Epiphany (feeling), a sudden realization of great truth

The word epiphany originally referred to insight through the divine.

For the philosopher Emmanuel Lévinas, epiphany or a manifestation of the divine is seen in another’s face (see face-to-face)

Despite its popular image, epiphany is the result of significant labor on the part of the discoverer, and is only the satisfying result of a long process, usually involving significant periods of labor.The surprising and fulfilling feeling of epiphany is so surprising because one cannot predict when one’s labor will bear fruit, and our subconsciousness can play a significant part in delivering the solution; and is fulfilling because it is a reward for a long period of labor.


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Revenge 3

It is so not my job to punish you for your betrayal
For your actions that take away the very essence
Of your intentions
You gladly do that for me
You take revenge for me
By doing what you have done
And loosing what you have lost
You have just punished yourself
Without me needing to do anything
To express my pain and hurt
That you caused indirectly
Thank you for taking responsibility

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Reminder – Meditation

Though I don’t especially like Osho’s style, I like this bit:

“Slowly slowly, meditation becomes your very life, your very heartbeat.
That day is the most blessed day
when you don’t have to meditate – you are meditation.
Your very being, whatever you are doing or not doing,
is silent, peaceful, loving, alert and aware of its eternity.
This experience is the only sacred experience.
This experience brings back again your childhood,
a pure silent consciousness, rejoicing in everything that it does.
The whole universe becomes a celebration and life is no longer a misery.
Every moment existence is available for you to rejoice,
sing, dance, love, and expand your life energies.
Mind only thinks, meditation lives.
Mind is a very small thing.
Meditation is as vast as the whole universe.
I teach you this vastness, I teach you universality, I teach you eternity.
You are not what you appear in the mirror, you are much more.
You are vast, as vast as the whole universe.”
~ Osho

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Revenge 2

How funny.

I hit and missed bit time

I hit an innocent lamb.

How sad.

Best revenge?

Letting it go and trusting providence.

Not as if I know what that is.

Patience, patience, patience … and a scream!

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Oh, all that loving is out the window.
I can’t think of anything else but taking revenge!’
I must repay the pain caused,
Showing the sinner a ‘good’ time!
So typical!
Well, I am not proud of it.
I must defuse.
Oh, all that loving is out the window, now.

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Merry Christmas!

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Love (Christmas) is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how most unloving we tend to be during these days. We somehow turned these days from spirit into earth and dust by concentrating on buying pricey presents that would represent loving and care for one another or more like the lack of loving and care we actually give each other.

Most of us manically run around town finding the best and most precious present that would give the feeling to the recipient that she/he is loved. In vain.

Down here, in the dust, there is no such things as love. There is a replacement emotion we try and create again and again by manipulating each other into doing the things we appreciate but at the end of the day most of us feel empty and unloved.

When Christmas comes, hopes go even higher. We somehow made each other believe that this is the time we make miracles and will love each other in some special way that we have not managed until now. But we can’t. Not because we don’t want to but because we simply can’t.

The very thing we run away from holds the experience of Love for us – standing silently around the Christmas tree, looking into each others’ eyes and seeing God’ Loving looking back at us from every single face; feeling free from all preconceptions and expectations we have thrown at each other over the years.

Love is all around.

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You sneak in

you betray the silence

and sadly,

you only rob yourself

from the experience of your own truth.


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I fly like a bird over the vast blue sky daily
I am admired by many for being free
But they don’t see the cage that I drag behind me
With a label on it saying: in exile

I fly around the globe not because of
the wonders that attract me at every corner
but because of not having anywhere to land
where I feel I belong.

I only stay for a season
I am sweet and smiley, I acquire friends
And soon enough I pack my invisible cage
And move on.

I move on before anybody realizes
How useless and sad really I am
Before all hell breaks loose
Before they learn the truth,

That I am imprisoned
In a cage I built for myself
From protecting me from being seen,
From being caught by a wild beast.

I am protected
And imprisoned
In my own self imposed

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I became who I am

a true Artist :)

Thank you!

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God Power

This world is being run, through us, by the God power. And we can conduct this power out here into the world through our loving service.  John-Roger

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In the Arms of the angel

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There’s always some reason to feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference, escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You’re in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

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Life and Death

For most of us, Life is simply dying slowly and painfully. (IK)

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Gaining clarity

It came to me today.

To go on, I go back. I go back to a place where one sells oneself for money. Not as if other places down here are any different, but in this particular place it is a must to sell out. The majority of people can think of anything better than themselves for something they call ‘safety’.

A piece of paper and some coins replaced God. A loveless, loveless place that cries out in need of some connection, something beyond a piece of paper and some coins.

And that is all me.

I still don’t know what the solution is. I have nevertheless been gaining clarity of what is happening…

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The end of a road

I try not to be very upset.
I compose myself again and again,
I remind myself to have faith in the unknown,
and just look exactly at what’s in front of me

My stomach aches,
it is full of fear of the uninvited.
I am still holding on a thread,
convincing myself that it will all be OK,
just as it is…

So be it.

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Between you and me there is a rock.
I thought you had built it, but then I realized
It is me who keeps the distance between us.
I have been climbing my rock for years now,
and occasionally I sense your presence on the other side.
Sometimes I even see your smiling face inviting me,
ensuring I never give up reaching you one day.

My rock is solid and encompasses all I missed as a child.
It had been build to protect me from harm,
though it eventually had grown so much it blocked me from your sight.
I call my rock ‘sec-u-r’.
It took me a long time to realize that my rock is only a false creation.
It only pretends to be what it actually means.
I always thought that my sense of security lied
in my own strong hands, my infallible heart, and my unquestionable sense of duty.

Though, I have been wrong all along
‘Secure’ means safe in You.


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Yes or NO? That is the question

I am just soooooooooooo fed up. I can’t deal with it more. I don’t have more of what it takes to be disciplined. I had enough of it.

I can’t … I can’t …

I am angry and frustrated. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to do it. I don’t see the purpose of it. It feels unjust. It feels hard and I have had enough hard. I want ease. I want sleep. I want some peace!

Then I found this –

“Make a decision that you will just YES your way through it. Take “no” out of your vocabulary. Only say, YES! YES! YES! YES … You will eliminate resistance the minute you stop shouting NO at anything! Oh, what a fun game it will be for you. You will get better at it everyday.” (Abraham)


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“The Providence of God is His care over his works.”

“His children are assured of His providential care in all their concerns. Its acts are threefold; preservation, co-operation, and government. He controls all things for the highest good of the whole; Providence displays God’s omnipresence, holiness, justice and benevolence.”

“Nothing is really small with God. He hangs the most momentous weights on little wires.”

“He that denies providence denies God’s attributes, His omniscience which is the eye of providence, His mercy and justice which are the arms of providence, His power which is its life and motion, His wisdom which is the rudder whereby providence is steered, and holiness the compass and rule of its motion.” (Bible)

*divine guidance or care

*God conceived as the power sustaining and guiding human destiny

*the quality or state of being provident (dictionary)

Well, I am into providence these days. So, what I did is what probably most would do, checked the Bible and the dictionary. Words, words, words. Words say providence is provision and care that is all compassing and constantly present. Why don’t I feel it then? Maybe it is my perception of providence that is distorted! I always thought care meant being actually cared for and in result I would feel safe. Very distorted in deed. I don’t think God understands the concept of safety, since I don’t think he has an idea of fear or insecurity either. Therefore when he provides he provides what He thinks is the best and most needed at a time. The only problem is that I find it challenging to feel provided when I don’t have what I think I need. He may provide me with His Love and Care, I just don’t get it because in my mind there is something completely different I need like money and food.

It is not about happiness, it is simply about needs. Need for security. I know and feel his Love for me unquestionably. I simply don’t feel safe in the world and it does not matter how much I am aware of the craziness of my wish to feel safe (since there is no such think down here), that part of me who is made of flash and matter wants to know that it is sustained well until its time. Understandable.

Well, providence does not care much about that, I guess.

Thus, Faith comes to my rescue!

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Dead End Road

I feel like a goose on thin ice, we say, when you are out of your natural habitat and can’t find your way out of a deadlock. I stay where I am because I have no other choice. I would have never thought, that one day I would write that down. I have left something behind I don’t wish to turn back to and what is ahead of me is not close enough to reach. I am no man’s land. As if I was not even here at all. Days pass without any change but the seasons. My existence here is hardly noticeable besides the hundreds of application forms I send out daily, in vain. As if on an extended (and kind of unwanted) break, or on a deserted island of my own creation, I hang in the void.

Part of me is worried because lack of resources available in my desertion.  Another part of me is stagnant. And another is just is.

In my meditation, I saw a tree with broken branches today and I saw myself inside one of the branches that was cut off, one that did not lead up towards the skies but was cut short, and dying.

What is the next step?

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Spirit is…

Spirit is energy, the force that activates the human consciousness and gives it life. Spirit individualizes itself as Soul and so resides closely within each consciousness. Many people have said that a human being has a Soul, but it is closer to reality to say that the Soul has a human being. (John-Roger)

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Crying out in need …

Physically, we’re quite a well-fed nation. But we have hidden hungers that are not satisfied. You may figure the way to overcome the hidden hungers is to stuff yourself with food until you’re satiated and no longer cry out in need.

And then you think, “Now I feel better.” When you feel better, you think, “I really should do something about getting back to God.” You might not think about it in quite those terms; it might be more like, “Now that I feel better, I want to do something. I’m frustrated. I wish I could do something more.”

Being satisfied on one level, you want to do something now to satisfy another level. Maybe you decide to go wash and polish the car. This helps release the physical energy. While you’re doing that, your mind says, “I really would like to read that book I started last night.” So your mind goes ahead of you to the book, and you finish the car rather rapidly because you’ve lost interest in that. You go read the book, but while you’re reading, you think, “I’m not getting enough exercise lately. I sit around too much.” And by now, it’s time to eat again, and this hidden hunger cries out, “Feed me.” So you snack on cookies or potato chips or drink a soft drink — anything to satiate the body and eliminate the hidden hunger.

But what if this feeling you have isn’t hunger? What if you are feeling a lack of fulfillment on another level, a lack of oneness with yourself? When you are not one with yourself, you constantly look for something to make yourself one, to make yourself whole, complete. (John-Roger)

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In spirit

you stay young forever.

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This morning I realized that I am so not done with control. Though I am not in control but I pretend I am. So pathetic! I am so so scared to let go! It feels like jumping off a cliff with this fear of height inside of me tearing me apart. It feels like suicide. Allowing something, somebody outside (?) of me controlling what happens to me? Nonsense! As long as I am in control I am alive. I am also very aware that this is my greatest limitation as well.

I watched Terminal (Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg) last night and realized what a blessing it is when one can live without control, going with the flow. What an amazing life! What amazing experiences one can have when there is no expectations or control involved. It may look challenging at times from the outside, but simply the attitude of allowing and going with what there is without any resistance somehow makes lives full and sort of worth living.

I wish I can be like him, Viktor, the main character. He is honest, does not argue, and waits patiently for the moment to come when he can do what he is there to do. Until then, he focuses simply on what life brings into his life from moment to moment, no plans, he just says YES to each moment.

Well … something to strive for! :)

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I want to become and allow my world to adjust to it.

So, who do I want to become?

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The Love we all search

This whole fuss with Love is so simple even though we build extreme amount of passion and drama about it. Many books, films and other pieces of art have been made over the centuries about either the longing for or the expression of desire and love.

Not realizing that actually the very longing we all share steams from our mutual experience of loss. Though we do not remember it, all the drama and the whole importance sacrificed on the subject of love comes down to only but one reason; that is wanting to regain our feeling of being loved and expressing love at the same instance.

At the end of the day what we all want when searching after Love in one way or another is to rejoin with our true source of  Love and experience this via being loved and to love the source back in return; an experience that fills the seeker up with Life and exuberance for eternity.

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Merging into you

It feels like a prolonged orgasm.

When you penetrate me I am reunited with my own self.

I am one with me and you.

You own me. I am subdued.

I am reunited in your oneness.

I am merged into you.

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It seems what I can offer is less valuable than a pile of papers. In a world of fear and greed the one that offers the most gains the least. Upside down values that never alter.

After all, it is all about not feeling wanted. With a mother who struggled to decide between an abortion and keeping her child for months until choice found her, what self-assurance would you have?

Unworthiness and so feeling unvalued is the result of such hesitancy.

Offering the most and expecting none in return is the shield set up for sheltering a fragmented ego until it is broken into pieces.

It is only when I start feeling that the One actually wants me completely, is the moment when I am freed forever from my ‘unwanted’ glass shield.

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Nobody wants me but You

Would you want me when everyone turns away in disgust? Would you hold me even if the one who is supposed to love me the most drops me out of his favour? Would you care for me when I am careless and valuless in the eyes of the other? Would you want me even if I don’t want myself?

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It is only a step on the ladder

It makes me feel foolish and wrong. It takes my sense of joy away in an instant. It cuts me off from my own self with harsh and cruel words. I became afraid that I have done something and all will go terribly wrong now. I fear losing your love.

Can I do wrong in your eyes? Can I be foolish enough that you turn away from me forever? Do I need to feel ashamed so I repent?

You smile with the greatest smile of the universe. Your laugh is like twinkling lights in my personal moment of darkness. It’s not only my joy and laughter that belongs to you, all of it does. My shame and anger is just as much yours as my kind cheerfulness and exuberance. It is all you, though sometimes distorted with my blind vision.  You kindly take them all from me as I am climbing the next step on the ladder into your heart.

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I rest at your feet

I kneel at your feet. I am momentarily relieved from the burdens from my lower existence. I am freed from my bondage. I rest at peace until I am pulled back down to the madness of this world. I can’t wait for the moment when I am released from the last remaining thread of pull and I am yours forever. Finally I rest at your feet in everlasting eternity.

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I am in Love

It seems I have been looking for you forever.

I always knew what I was looking for still I allowed myself to be deceived by the poor reflections of what your love can offer.

I have tried to find you in the eyes and arms of many men behind broken smiles. I searched the hearts of many. I allowed my body to be embraced in search for your unconditional love. In vain.

Only when I looked into your sweet face I saw mine and fell in love with it realizing it was yours all along.

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At first, I thought my meaning was to serve my family. Then, I thought I was here to serve my community. Then, I figured it must be my nation I needed to serve.

And finally it downed on me – I am here to serve You in our sweet joining as one.

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Humble servant

I am an instrument of your Love. I am only here because of you. Only for you. I carry your Love wherever you direct me to. I spread the Light wherever I go.

You care for me. You feed me with your sweet nectar. I belong to you everlasting. I wait for your command. I am at your disposal.

I am your humble servant.

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Your sweet-sweet love

I am waiting for you at dawn. I sit and hold the silence as preciously as I can so you can arrive. If I am focused enough you appear with your sweet-sweet love to embrace me and carry me to the heavens – from my world to yours.

I sit and wait. When you arrive I kneel in front of you and open my heart to you. I offer you my deepest longing for your sweet-sweet love.

Your mercy holds me and lifts my head up. You look into my eyes reaching for  my heart and soul.

I am flying with the speed of light in the embrace of your sweet-sweet love.

I am forever in Love with you.

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There is something majestic about the silence that lingers between us in this deserted house.

It is ancient, wise and everlasting. It holds it secrets of many lives long past.

It waits patiently for the seeking soul to whisper its wisdom into awaiting ears.

It floats and swishes sweet air towards those who care to wander and reach up in search for wisdom and liberty.

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I am longing

I am longing for you to love me.

I miss you.

There is this coldness on the right side of my wedding bed.

You wave at me from the distance. I smile back.

I hold my breath in excitement until your sweetness reaches my face.

Then, I suddenly inhale the depth of your love for me, into my whole self.

I am rejuvenated. I am filled with your divinity and with Life itself.

We are reunited once and for all.

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Shield of glass

I see through you. I can see the light behind your shield. Still I am away from it. I am scratching endlessly on you to make create a whole or at least a scratch that would allow me to slip through.

At the same time, I know you mean well, you have protected me from hurts of loss and ridicule. And in return, I am holding onto you, the security of my glass shield that is like running-sand slipping through my figures.

I am hanging on a thread between the world of my shield and Your embrace, completely lost.

I wish You reached down for me and pulled me through this glass wall in your protective, loving cradle of sounds.


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God is like the ocean. It is ever calm, ever present, ever moving and almightily powerful.

Still It does not care whether you are swimming in It or marveling at It from the shore. (IK)

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Each time you complain you give evidence of your own incompetence (IK)

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