I have been having this unbearable pain that feels as if someone was sitting on my chest making me suffocate slowly for a while. It is so beyond bearable that I went to see a neurologist and ended up taking ‘relaxants’ besides being a part time alcoholic. Workaholism has been a trustworthy company for so long that I don’t consider him a distraction at all.
I suddenly realized what drives an alcoholic, an addict – simply numbing this feeling of pain. This agony that I believe we all share down here is hardly bearable (those being sensitive to it) and so needs to be shut up with any means possible even if it means you actually kill yourself along with the pain.
Because my first reaction was fury, I also noticed that my response to pain is actually anger. It is not really new info, it was just funny to see that so clearly. I remember times, however, when I encountered it before and also how incapacitating it felt.
But what causes this pain? As far as I can see, we all have a different answer to this question. Pain can have various causes such as shame, unworthiness or else. In my case it is rejection. If I understand the teachings well, it is ultimately about our sense of separation from God. The glass ball we surround ourselves with that closes God’s Love off from us.
As I was becoming ‘unheardable’ during the interactive part of WPT program yesterday, this was the feeling that showed up. I was feeling the pain of rejection – it came more like a surge of anger at first. The funny thing was that I was also aware that everybody else on the other side was making so much effort making sure that I can participate and be part of this amazing experience. And still, I suddenly got cut off and I went into feeling rejected and unwanted. The pain was enormous, the sudden feeling of something freezing my heart and suffocating me to death.
After having spent some time investigating how I had been feeling and why; I noticed I have been living with this glass ball all my life and this is the ‘thing’ that does not allow me to connect with God. I also understand now that I set this ball up. It feels to me as if I have always felt this way, as if this feeling started way before I arrived here, it sort of came with me.
I am also aware that this glass ball is partly my protection from being rejected again; it keeps me being constantly rejected as well as protecting me from further rejection. I know it sound nonsensical but this is the truth.
Sadly, living in this glass ball defines my whole existence. It prevents me from having experiences that resembles any kindness, caring, embracing, connection or similar. Obvious, there are moments when I can and I do experience these feelings …
What got me even sadder though was the realization that there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how clever I am, I know the answers, I understand and not only that but I am also capable of sharing my revelations with others. Still, I cannot shatter the glass ball, and nobody can do it for me either.
In my understanding the teaching says something like that by regularly meditation we can move beyond the experience and pulls of our karmas and limitations and start becoming (living) our greater self. According to my observation, in order for that to happen one must have unquestionable faith in God. I am aware of my greater self, and I am often amazed by her, the magnificence of her is indescribable vastness. However, I am also aware how disconnected she is from her source because of this glass ball. I watch her fumbling in captivation, daily. And I am sad to see, how her magnificent goes unnoticed because of the glass ball that surrounds her.
The teaching says that the key is accepting and letting go. I sometimes wonder how you mean by that? Accepting my eternal captivation and the pain that comes with it? Letting go of the glass ball? Neither it is really possible, understandably.
The other day, I saw a movie – the best of me. For me this movie was about living our fate. It made me realize that there is no point in fighting fate. It deeply touched me, how much dignity and acceptance this guy lived his fate, never questioning it. His fate gave meaning to his existence. And I though, how true it is! We are only here to live our fate. We have no choice over the life we live; we have some choices, choices over accepting or fighting what is but nothing beyond that. We can complain about it, or try to change it- both are pointless. Everyone is on a set path without realizing it.
I have fought life all my life. I have always thought that my life was unfair, life was treating me unfair. I still think it is unfair because I have no idea really what is going on beyond my comprehension. I am given pieces of info here and there so to ease the struggle on the journey. Each time, I am given a new piece of the puzzle of my life, I am like a silly dog with the new piece of bone that will take my attention away from the burning question, only for a while.
In this light, both the glass ball and the pain is part of my personal experience this life time. I suspect acceptance is about living with whatever shows up knowing that, at the end of the day, none of it makes any difference. The journey stays hidden, we only spend the time with chewing on one bone or another. Letting go, I suspect, is letting go of the ‘dream’, the ‘need’, the ‘want’ to have a ‘different’ life and try to stay sane in the meantime.
Up until sort of nowish, I have really hoped that life is meaningful, we are, I am here with a purpose. I really believed that I am the way I am because I have some inherent purpose. And I do define myself with this ‘unknown’ meaning that I have been searching for. The idea that I am completely meaningless is a rather hard call. I know, I don’t make sense. J I am realizing (not saying I am living it!!) that it does not matter what I do, the only thing that matters is that each day I walk the part of the path that is designated for that day. My only job is to show up and walk it preferable without any hustle. Obviously, the more I can stay present – which is hardly available to me at present – the less hustle I suffer. The rest is a mystery.
I am not always sure that I can manage living like that but so far so good. I have not killed myself yet and I do not think it is available to me either. It is hard to stay completely neutral, not noticing my feelings or my thoughts or not being caught up in them.
Turning back to where I started, I feel that because of the pain (of rejection and meaninglessness) I have been experiencing, I simply cannot stay present. I am either busy with trying not to feel the pain or I am indulging in it. Probably like everyone else. There is not much I can do about any of this, I cannot shatter the glass ball around me that I have built to protect my wounded self. So, here I am so clever and accomplished and still extremely stupid and helpless.
Being in Hungary is a blessing. I feel at home among these people. They remind me, every day, the agony of our existence. We have this in common, the most of us anyway. We suffer as if it was a requirement! Being out of here would require me letting go of my need to drama and agony but that would mean that once again I let go of something that defines me, and not only that but my belonging, too! And I make sure, in some way or another that I am ‘rejected’ by all those who do not share my limited experience (those who may remind me of my greater self).
It brings me to God, my greatest fan and rejecter. The experience that causes the greatest pain in me is my feeling that God rejects me and rejects me having all those experiences that would enhance the quality of my life. I know it is about the glass ball. I also hear you all say that God infinitely loves us all, etc., but this is not my experience. It is, however, interesting why it is that my ‘source’ of rejection is God himself. Most people I know on the path turn to God in their greatest sufferings that they believe are caused by the world. Whereas, I believe that my greatest source of pain is God himself. I have always had the feeling that I was forced to be born again, that I did not want to come back here, I don’t want to live at all, but God forces me to, punishes me with ‘time on Earth’, to live this miserable life. I don’t understand any of this, however, I am aware that it is a big part of my glass ball. I cannot meditate any more on connecting with God. I don’t want to connect with my ‘punisher’. This bit is still hazy because I am often touched by something I call ‘Loving’ but it is not connected to any sense of God inside of me. It is just a feeling that is not connected with any ‘thought’ inside of me, I call it Loving because it seems like the most appropriate word. I am sorry if I don’t make sense here. Maybe, I just have a false sense of God, or something. I would not be surprised having been brought up with such confusing messages about God.
And again, everything is only my experience, my fate, my path. For another it is probably completely different and just as valid as mine. Life is a mystery and I suspect it will stay that way.
After all this anger and apathy, I am not quite sure where enthusiasm and joy will come from … they may just show up one day … the day when I can truly accept my fate for whatever it maybe … or at those moments when I am not busy with feeling sad about something. Now, at least, I know why I am such a joyful person at heart; I would be such a bore otherwise!
Two bits I would like to share with you from my favourite film, Shakespeare in Love, on Fate and the Mystery of Life, the way I understand it! Enjoy it!
Thank you for listening.