Mothers and daughters aka We all deserve better
“Who is it about me that attracts this abusive behaviour … or is it only me who sees it that way?”
As soon as we are in the same room the torture begins. She turns into a monster who terrorizes both of us. She starts desperately criticizing everything in and around her, requests absurds, pushes love and care in the corner while in a mental haze. I am shocked, at first, then I become distant then I completely disappear. As if our childhood never ended, as if she has not managed to move on … neither of us really.
Though, the wine quickly clears my feelings of desperation and upset, the tensed atmosphere of something-is-wrong lingers on in a never ceasing, thick fog.
We run in circles, like hamsters. She tries to get what she once wanted in the present. The other person stands in amazement and confused. ‘What have I done wrong now?’ But there is no answer. Whatever is wrong has been gone for a long time. No matter what it is that is offered in good faith, it cannot be reached because the mind is forever lost in a different time-zone. We both believe that we are right, though there is nothing to be right about.
Nothing is what it seems, though!
The saddest part of this story is that our ‘disagreement’ has nothing to do with us. She behaves likes her mother and I behave like mine, she acts abusive, I act indignant. In a manner of speaking, we integrated their resolved childhood and made it our own with some additional personal twists.
In order to become free, being present is inevitable but it is also impossible because there is no awareness of the intertwined feelings and needs. Two sisters who never managed to put their relationship right passed the baton down to their daughters. And we willingly continued the feud. In order to clear the karmic behavioural patterns, it would require both parties to step back and observe the inner makings of each stimuli, then withhold the automatic responses.
We have been dancing the same sad ballad for almost 50 years now. Life keeps on throwing at us opportunities to free ourselves but we do not take them. We deal with the irresolvable situation as well as we can. I, personally, confront, argue, point out, then I leave the situation and run away. She denies and sulks.
I am not sure what’s next.
With this short note, I am stating that I see now what is going on but I do not know how to handle it. It is a dance of two. When I stop, the other stops too but the music is still playing in our ears.
I am pleading that may the Spirit of God intervenes in His loving kindness on our behalf.