Shut down and functional vs sunbeams

As soon as I hit the doors of the lower world, verily it makes sure I have an impact.
I immediately start to shut down. I can’t maintain my openness, kindness, joyfulness any more. Fear sets in. Fear of being ridiculed, misunderstood and then hurt.
I shake myself, take a big breath and become functional. I become helpful beyond what is comfortable or healthy. I offer my advice, I offer myself. No boundaries intact.
And I start pushing it in helpless desperation.
And on and on and on …

The good news is that I don’t shut down completely any more, only partially.
The door is always ajar now.
I live it open for the momentary sunshine to beam in – in case it passes by.

And so it does. The Sun never stop shining down on the sinner. I just forget, I don’t remember to notice it in my dark little whole I live in.
But the beams break their way through my toughest walls and shine on me again.

I am not left alone in my darkness any more.

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