This morning, in my meditation I found myself upset with the world for not appreciating me. I remembered how I was told off as a child when I asked too many questions and the way my teachers reacted when I said something ‘stupid’. It took me a very long journey to realize that I am not actually ignorant but too intelligent. I am a creative and as such I constantly question the equilibrium. We are all good at something, we are just good at different things. The reason why the present education system does not work for the majority of students is the standardization. One fits all. So, I quickly learnt that I am not lovable the way I am because I do not fit the one-size.
I learnt to measure ‘love’ by ‘acceptance’ then I refined it into ‘appreciation’. As I matured, I realized how great it is that I am a creative. I am always full of ideas, solution, colour, shape and form. It is an exciting and colourful world that I live in, except that I do not share it with anyone any more. I learnt as a child that what I have on offer is not ‘useful’ to the world, it is only vexing and troublesome.
The more unlovable (unappreciated) I felt, the more vexing and troublesome my behaviour became. Eventually, I closed myself off from the world.
This morning in my meditation I was discussing my ‘unlovable-ness’ with God who suggested that I stop measuring my value and lovable-ness in the world. The world is on its own agenda all the time. Most people are lost in some kind of self-defense in the face of insecurity and adversity. In that mode of living it is hard to realize that the one who constantly offers new ways of seeing is a messenger, not a nuisance.
At the same time, it is my responsibility to love who I am just as I am, nobody else’s. I am doing that by allowing myself to be who I am. I do not try and force myself into a box set by a standardized test. I am my own person. I love that I am vexing and inquisitive. I see the bigger picture. I always stand on the top of the mountain and the view is breath-taking. I am grateful.
I may not ever encounter another human being who appreciates me for who I am. So what? The satisfaction of me knowing who I am and how great the gifts are that God bestowed upon me is much greater than any ‘Well done, girl!’ I can ever receive.