Recently, I became aware how much of a trouble maker I am and how much compassion and love I have for ‘troubled’ kids. My heart goes out for them. The education system I work ‘in’ (mostly out) is corrupted and we all suffer it.
Naturally, I want to go in and fix it. I want to heal the pain I suffered as a child. Having been a rather curious and artistic child it was not very easy to fit in a black-and-white and militarized system that cared none for originality but the ability to stay grey and unnoticeable. I rebelled then I broke in. The result of my tameness, however, turned out to be a disaster. I became a very angry and suppressed person (even as a child) who only generates trouble because she is in constant pain. It is like living in a bubble where you cannot reach out from. Thought the bubble is see-through, it is also made of glass. I am trapped in it. I am visible to the word but I cannot make contact. Each time, I act, a disaster strikes and we all walk on broken glasses.
Creatives, like myself, strive on disaster because we feel that we are useful and employable. When we look at the results of our ‘adjusting’, however, it is disastrous. The world, however, must go through its process of becoming, no need for segways. It does not need correcting. It may seem that life on earth went pear-shaped but the truth is that we all are just learning. We all go through a constant process of ‘betterment’ or enlightenment that often does not appear to be better than it was before. We just do not see the bigger picture.
So, what is it that I would like to release and let go of?
Well, just like the unfixable education system, I cannot mend myself, either. I am troublesome because I am trapped not because I am bad. The disasters I generate is not because I want to cause problems but because I want to repair the unfixable and though my intentions are noble they are also fear-based. I constantly look for security and because there is none, I want to create some by fixing what appears to be broken. At the same time, I try to protect myself from a harsh and unappreciative world that does not acknowledge my fantastic ideas.
Learning from the above, my personal focus for this Lenten season is ‘embracing and releasing’. I will focus on embracing what is, even the daily disasters that I generate because of my drive for fixing. At the same time, I will release my urge to worry and correct. Every single moment in time when life does not develop the way I would prefer it, I wish to correct is course. Mostly in vain! I let go of my ‘need’ for fixing and I dearly hope that it will allow me to step outside my shattered glass ball.
I am praying to the Divine in me to support me in calming the devastated and lift up the wise and generous in me who knows that all is well.
Amen to that.