So, it is the rock bottom, I HOPE! It is all a hell of a confusion, I am completely out of control and freaked out. Every moment when something crazy or rather unbearable happens, I scream inside; What’s more?? Please, I accept, I accept it all, but please stop bringing on more!
I something have the feeling that it is about making me laugh … and until I manage to laugh at the unbearable lightness of being, He won’t stop. He is already having a laugh! He twists and turn me and my life around me. I am dizzy and scared. I keep on wanting to hold onto something, make some sense of what is happening, but there is nothing left to grab into.
Like the dervishes, I am spinning and spinning into enlightenment … I only hope, or my only hope, rather.
I am willing to accept all the adversities, at the same time I am struggling with deep fear combined with loss of control, the need to know what is happening and why and whether I am gonna get out of it all alive or not.
I am not sure if I am good at this, however, I do understand that if I ever want to live in peace, if I want to give myself a chance to become all that I can be, I must accept it all just as it is, myself included, just as I am.
Interestingly, with all that confusion, upset, rejection and loss I have been experiencing lately, I feel more alive than ever before. I am very sad, very, very sad, sad to the stomach and still this sadness somehow makes me feel alive. I somehow am less numb, I suspect.
I don’t see the light, I don’t hear God, I don’t hear the sound current, my meditations are simply non-existent … and still, I feel more being than before…how is it possible?