It is basically manic – frantic, or both.
I am hiding behind work that I don’t have. I pretend that I have a lot to do because my surrounding is always busy. Manic and frantic. Not manic would mean they are out of control. How familiar!
I can’t just do ‘nothing’. In a household where there are no weekends, time offs, time to waste, where order is the lord above chaos, where if you sit you are lazy – one must be busy so to fit in.
And so I did. How greatly it all resembles the way I grew up. If you did not do something constantly you did not have the right to be alive. We have a saying back where I grew up – ‘If you don’t work you should get fed’.
So, I get busy. I grab my laptop, find a place, sit down start looking for work, something to do, write, whatever that looks busy, fills the time available and keeps my mind focused on something useless.
The funny thing is that, deep inside of us, we all crave for peace and time-off from our business but we are prisoners of our own selves. The monkey on its treadmill and does not let its prisoner go easily. It takes considerable effort to relax, just to be. At first it is like an impossible task. The mind goes around like crazy telling us all the stuff we need to do underscoring it with solid reasoning based upon our feeling of insecurity. ‘if you don’t do this, you will suffer it greatly’ and on and on…’ And we don’t even notice that we are trapped and tricked every moment of our lives. Part of us keeps on waiting for the moment when we stop and silence ourselves, stand still, just be – these are the most precious moments that hardly ever happen to most of us – me included.
Oh mind you carry on your back
Your actions like a heavy sack.
No wonder that your shoulders ache
Another strain’s enough to break
So drop this stupid load.
This is the last stop on the road where you can find rest
Stay, be Love’s guest. (Kabir) Translated by Robert Bly
“let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull
of what you truly love” (Rumi)
Today like every other day
We wake up empty and scared.
Don’t open the door of your study
And begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do
There are hundreds of way to kneel
And kiss the earth. (Rumi)