It is a rather sad existence when you lose your illusions of who you think you are. Particularly when you think that you are some hot-shot almighty.
A Self running on the fuel of a sense of helplessness and defencelessness crave nothing but daily proof that validates its inherent and exceptional ability to control fate and manage life.
The sad part is that none of it is actually true. When you display too much of something you know that it cannot stem from the True (inner) Self because the True self is quiet, like a smooth criminal swishes undetectably amongst the matters of life.
I always thought that I was one of the most capable and principled persons ever lived, like William Wallace, endurable by fate.
Like most 8s (Enneagram) I grew up with a sense of loss. A loss of childhood and innocence. Since there was not a caretaker around as I was growing up, I became my own person at a tender age of 7.
All my life, I have focused on one thing, to show the world that I can survive the worst, I can stand up for myself, again and again, that nobody can touch me or control me, I would shake of any attempt of taming.
What I did not understand, however, how it looked like or felt not to be controlled and what it was exactly that I have tried to defend myself against.
Through meditation and self-discovery I started to see myself more and more clearly. Instead of seeing this all around capable, hard-arse woman, I started to see this little girl constantly needing to prove herself to be capable of handling any old odds.
The very reason why I detest Hungary and the majority of Hungarian people is because of this suffocating feeling that we allow control outside of ourselves to overtake our life, we willingly give up any responsibility or the choice over our very existence and play the victim. Interestingly, it is a very Hungarian personality trait. You can find a segment of this trait in every Hungarian person. When you talk to one of ‘us’, you will soon hear stories about our defiance and how we have resisted foreign invasion and we fought the Tatars, the Turks, the Hapsburgs and eventually regained our liberty.
However, the fight has never stopped inside of us. Now Hungary is part of the European Union and we rebel against the EU as if it was some kind of an occupier, not noticing that we are only chasing our own tail. There is nobody to resist any more. Being a member state of the EU, we have a clear vote, we could now truly manage our destiny, if we could only realize that there is no more war to fight.
And this is my story. I keep on fighting wars that have been won already. I could as well be free.
Still, I only know of a hard life. I simply don’t understand the concept of relaxation or loosening up. In my world, I must always be at the top of my game and alert so to survive.
Only because I grow up without a sense of control over my own life, I devoted my whole life to one cause: to prove the world how immense and unquestionably capable I am in the face of arduous circumstances. And so I provided security to myself against intrusion and aggression.
At the same time, I have always been envious of those who could relax into the flow of life or someone else’s arms without the fear of being abused or taken advantage of. I am aware that what I hold true to myself is only mine, nobody has put it there for me. I am unlucky enough to have a whole nation sharing my sense of helplessness and display it vehemently.
So, here are I am, a servant of God, not believing in His Grace or kindness of any kind. I have been running around in circles within my own belief system, trying to flee and stop creating constant hardship and unbeatable situations for myself that actually bear no fruit.
I suffer it all, day after day, without a single result, without a single sense of satisfaction or joy.
You understand, don’t you? I must prove daily that I am capable, I am competet, I can deal with this, I can survive this, I can manage this without a glitch … I can …