The scarecrow

I am not sure why it is not working. It never does. I am not surprised but I am still disappointed. Sure, if I did not have the expectation for it to work, I would not be disappointed. But when you love something and you know that when it is shared it brings much joy and healing to all involved, it is hard not to be expecting.

I am writing to you, so to let you know that I am willing to change. If you could just take the time and help me.
Tell me, what is it in me that turns gold into dust?

I do not know why I act like a scarecrow swishing all away but I am willing to look at her. I am open to meet the scared little girl making an angry face to scare everyone away.

I am like a crazy bunny trying so hard to show my little toys of joy and fun but nobody seems interested. Some turn a head, some even engage with me for a moment but eventually they turn away and leave. Then I become manic. I try and show more and more to make my creations more understandable and hopefully more attractive.
At the end, I am alone with my piling games and toys, nobody to play with.

But why?

I am afraid that when I am available and vulnerable I will be attacked.
I feel that I need to protect myself from the cruelty and the ignorance of the world.
I believe that majority of people do not understand who I am, what I stand for, or what I offer. And in their idiocy they tear the unguarded apart.

When I am scared of being hurt, in my defence, I mutate into an uncontrollably spinning scarecrow pushing everyone away. In my resistance to embrace our differences, I reject myself.  As a result, all stays hidden and eventually, layers of dust cover my once favourite toys. I deserted them myself in fear of being hurt.

Please forgive me. I love you.

 

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