I have been very angry … I have been angry all my life, or most of it anyway, but recently it is a very weird kind of anger. I am painfully angry. so far, my anger was mostly vindictive, I was judging everything demanding things to be put right.
Recently I realized that what my anger hides is pain. Still, I did not understand what the pain was about. I started to understand however that my righteous anger was about the unfair turnout of my life. Somehow my life does not seem to resemble anything I have ever dreamed or hoped for. On top of it all, I am one of those unlucky bastards who actually did try to take responsibility for her life, to make a difference in my existence and still nothing. There is not one area of my life where I feel contented, loved, happy or even something similar to these.
So, as I was walking today I realized the vicious circle of doom I have been living in.
The first feeling was that I cannot accept this reality I am living in, no matter how hard I try and tell myself that it is OK, not everybody gets the life they dream of … then I though it is God’s fault. It is all because God does not love me because if He did I would not live in this doomed reality.
But why does not He love me?
Suddenly I started to hear from the distance of long-ago my parents’ voice “you can’t have this, you are such a bad child. Bad children deserve none of these nice things!” Well, I suspect I learnt that I am bad, and so I don’t deserve what I think would be nice to have. How could God love such a bad person?! And so the vicious circle is closed. I feel undeserving of anything nice, even of God’s Love. Therefore, I prevent myself of having these enjoyable and fun stuff and at the same time I am convinced that having a life that lacks all these nice things is because of God’s rejection of me – which does not come as a surprise since I am bad…
I am aware that it is all ME, ME, ME. I integrated my parents’ rejection, and I did such a great job that I convinced myself that the world, God, others reject me because they don’t get me. In the meantime deep inside I feel very bad about myself, I feel that I am a bad person, I reject myself and, obviously, I cannot Love myself this way.
The tricky bit is feeling deserving which is a form of Loving. I am not sure how one feels deserving when convinced of being undeserving. Not sure it is possible. On top of it all, I prove daily how undeserving I am by creating such a doomed reality for myself in which I feel rejected and refused of the things that would make life livable.
My only hope is that one day I may decide that I am actually deserving and will do my best to hold that thought long enough to change my reality … which will come very handy in order to prove how deserving I am. From that point onward it is rather easy … I am convicted that I am deserving! I hope God won’t lose patience in the meantime!