I have been observing the days, the movement of seasons in a matter of hours, and my feelings as they float on top of the swimming pool, changing colours.
I have the need, this overbearing desire to live in a community, to work together, have harmony and kind communication … but I always chose the wrong community, the wrong person. It is not that there is something wrong with them …
Someone told me the other day that she chooses the ‘wrong’ crowed. Actually, she chooses her own crowed, it is just that the ways she behaves, because of what she believes of herself, makes her drawn to these people.
It is maybe the same with me. I am drawn to my family, with whom I feel safe with some crazy reason though they are abusive towards me. And the reason is that I allow them. I believe that I am monster, a difficult person … I keep on choosing into communities where I will be hated while I desire them to love me.
These people and situations make sure that I will always feel bad about myself. Not as if it is their desire to do so.
I set up my life the way it is. And I’ d rather take the abuse than being completely alone without any support. The only issue is that I somehow believe that the only support I can get comes with a price, a price of emotional and verbal abuse. The way I grew up.
I am not trying to sell a sad story here. I am just observing how impossible it is to move beyond the scope of the ego, the stimuli and responses of the familiar, and how incapable I am to protect myself in a healthy and loving manner.