I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable.
No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me out from all angles. She even asks for my passport once again to scan it in, in case of emergency – I suppose.
She cannot name her sense of discomfort when it comes to me she just feels a strange kind of disease when around me. Does she sense my own feeling of disease? Probably, the more I try and seem regular – so to ease her discomfort – the more uncomfortable she feels.
I should just trust more that what is for me will not pass me and what does that must go. Since taking care of her only son is my only source of income, I try and play the game, I try walk with her, whatever she needs to feel at ease I try and provide. In vain. It is me who is not at ease with this whole situation.
My only hope is that the boy will like me and will want to spend some time with me. That would probably support her to trust me, at least to a certain degree. Not being able to fit her usual frame of mind regarding people makes her suspicious. I understand. I would be too if it was about my only child.
I wish to be more at ease myself. I don’t trust myself that I can do the normal things, that I can meet her expectations. I know I am responsible and can take care of him, but I am not sure that the things I would do – and would drag him along with me – are the kinds of things that she finds normal. I must find the way to trust that what happens is all OK – for us all.
It may just work out for us all. We may just have great experiences with this situation.