Victim of abuse

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why.

Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being a victim, I simply can’t handle it, I can’t get it out of my mind. Each time ’it’ occurs, I become a victim and I run – even if there is nowhere to run, I feel like running away, immediately, out of the situation that I can’t handle or resolve. I suddenly feel responsible for what is happening but I don’t seem to be able to change it, change how we feel or how I act.

I suspect it has something to do with my ’self image’. As soon as I am out of my comfort zone, I do something; I act in some way that urges others to protest against me. They say, I make them feel stressed, I generate some ’heat’ that makes them react. Honestly, I don’t see how I am doing it. This is the victimization bit. My reasoning is that I must hold an image about myself who is ’difficult’ and/or difficult to live with or get along with. I heard this more often than not.

Actually it does not matter who’s right, if my reasoning is just or not. At the end of the day, it is as simple as that – I can’t change the way I am, I am not aware of my ’wrong doings’, I don’t consider them ’wrong doings’.  My preference is simply living with, being surrounded with, working with, co-habiting with – you name it –  people who just like me the way I am, with all my ’wrong doings’, with the heat I generate. With people who care about me enough to see and feel that I am stressed, that I am out of my wits and that I need something else rather  than being scolded and being victimized. I prefer being alone than being surrounded with people who ’don’t like my ways’ and don’t care about me.

Somehow, suddenly, it seems that if we all moved on when felt ’victimized’,  towards people who actually liked us and cared about us – if we could believe that there is somebody out there who loved us just as we are – we would not feel so bad about ourselves. Only if we had the courage to challenge our basic beliefs about ourselves, then we would move on; we would get free.

I probably would not be so angry all the time. I would not feel abused all the time.

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