26.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

A Letter

Over all, it feels as if I am in some kind of a waiting again. I am rather relaxed about it all. I am not anxious, I simply don’t care much what happens. It is very uncomfortable but I strongly feel that I have nothing to do here but to support Dori to start regaining her strength, confidence and faith in herself, and standing on her feet. I miss the US, my friends, my life, my studies there but obviously I am not capable of creating a life over there with the that things that are meaningful to me.

In some way it is very sad for me to see, that I still cannot do anything for myself, so to lift myself out of these miserable patters I still run. I somehow cannot let go of something – honestly, I do not know what it is – I still find it challenging to do anything ‘only’ for myself, selfishly. Even though I am very aware what I am doing, and I have no one to blame for my life choices, it does not feel very nice to know that I am incapable of doing nice things for myself and create situations that are gentle and loving with me.

After all, I am kind of OK here in this situation; I have gained great insights into how I allow and attack abuse and mental instability into my life. So much fun! I realized that I am better at leaving these situations than before. It is nice to know that I recognize these situations quicker, however, I am also very aware how strongly I believe that my life should be of sacrifice and selflessness. I also realized that I don’t do any of this out of true service or loving giving because I want something very particular in return: being appreciated and rewarded with some comfort in return for my contributions, particularly for my intelligence and insights (not as if many people cares about them).

It is kind of ridiculous that I chose the worse surfaces for such conquests! I choose the neediest and most abusive people to demonstrate how tough I am and how much burden I can bear. It feels as if I am still punishing myself for something I don’t comprehend much of.

Luckily, I am not angry any more, sometimes, I am rather sad o see myself this way. Since we arrived to the island I have been very patient, sort of relaxed, rather kind and accepting. I am not too communicative or engaging but I never am, when I am with people whom I don’t understand. I notice when I am annoyed. I write about everything I experience so to be able to digest my experiences. It feels as if was in some kind of a daze, as if all these things weren’t actually happening to me at all; I was just following some ‘vision’ or something (can’t find a better word). I don’t push anything, I communicate when something does not work for me and see what happens. I know I can take myself out of this experience anytime I want to. I am also aware that I don’t want to leave Dori alone, not yet. It may not be healthy but this is the best I can do for the moment.

And, hey, maybe I am wrong about it all …