Doom and glory

Is it really necessary to be so conscious about life? Where does wonder set in if I am constantly thinking about what is happening in my life and considering what the meaning of that is happening while hoping to take the learning from them. Well, quite tiring.

I am so aware of myself, my environment, the things that happen in my life. I think about them, I consider them, I try and learn from them all the time – so to change the way I live, I think, I respond, the way I look … in vain.

I am not able to change anything. Am I meant to?

I am done and can’t be undone. Whatever I grew up to be, I am. The way I learnt to do things will never get unlearnt or changed. I can – with great efforts – learn and control my responses to stimuli that come from my environment but honestly I am not succeeding very well.

On this level I am easy to figure out. When in pain I am angry. I am in pain because I don’t agree, I am opinionated, I know better, it is not going the way I think it should or my toy is taken away from me. What else is there to think about?

It is a shift not a change. The way I am set up cannot be undone. The clever ones learn to control themselves and put a new suit on. I don’t seem to fit in any new garments. The one I am wearing is too heavy just as it is.

Who I am cannot be thought about. She has no quality to consider.

I either get the chance to be that who I am, or I am doomed to wear this old cloak off and get to replace it to a new one eventually.

I am still hoping for the shift from doom to glory – for my personal redemption.