29.05. “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”


I am feeling rather worried. I tried but could hardly medi this morning. I was looking forward to our LAFing but nobody was available this morning to listen to my whining. Must be a sign … what do all the signs try and tell me? This morning I had this thought that I would never make it. I would never be free from it all, this gypsy madhouse that I lived my whole life in. I have been living the exact same way for decades. Even as a child I lived like a gypsy wondering amongst various apartments and household of family members and neighbours. I stayed with my grandma most of the time, but spend months with my aunt and cousin by the lake during summers, or was left with my aunt-once-removed for the weekend. None of them were really nourishing experiences. I do not remember nice experiences at all from my childhood after my grandfather’s death. I only remember discomfort and constant angst because of the mental and psychological instability that surrounded me.

So, I leant to protect myself from the madness by hiding all that is valuable about me from general public and share it only with a special few whom I learnt to trust. However, the receiving and the bestowing of my trust is rare and often takes a long time.


This morning I found a dream in my sleep. I was lying in bed with a man who very much resembled Alan Rickman. We were lying back to back to each other. Then I reached out and felt his muscular thighs. He turned to me, we smiled at each other and started making love. I noticed another female body next to us, she was asleep not noticing our encounter. Suddenly, I shifted in a way that seemed to have hurt him rather badly, he quickly withdrew from me hissing with pain. I said I was sorry and tried to comfort him, but he just made a face and said he was tired and went to sleep. A bit later I learned that he had been dying from cancer, hence the tiredness and impatience. By this time, though, he was already dead.


I am worried. It is like being in the Star War movie once again. Which of the two evil shall I choose? Should I stay or should I go? What are the advantages and disadvantages of each evil? None of them would be my preferred choice, but I have learned by now that Life does not care much about preferences. Life offers choices and you must choose one of the two or the many. There is no such state of non-choice. When you try and slip away without picking one, someone comes and makes the choices for you.I am not sure that it is any better. When I make mistakes, I prefer making them myself.