My reflection

Here we go again. Journeying on, on Hell’s roller coaster. Here comes again, another round of disaster for the sake of salvation.

Though we have moved countries and over 2000 kilometres, we haven’t moved and inch. Here I am surrounded with my own personal demons; with an overwhelmed adult and a needy, anxious little girl inside.

If I could just trust that every day of my life serves nothing but one single purpose: my liberation; if I could just trust that everything that happens is just a pool of experiences that means nothing in the ocean of my vast existence; if I were less stressed and could hear God’s soothing voice; I would probably feel better.

But, I have not moved an inch. I am once again anxious for my survival amongst the needy, the mentally instable and the psychologically retarded. I am on high alert so to be able to protect myself against their wobbly nature, moodiness and unreliability. Here I am again, alone and self-depriving without a cause.

I am the latest project of some self-serving megalomania and neediness, of a couple who needs so, so much from others that they suffocate them with their kindness and hospitality.

I suddenly found myself on a seemingly different land of the kind-hearted backward people who want nothing to be changed and if it must be, it should happen really slowly and unnoticeable.

But it is no different from what I already know.

I am at home in Hell’s kitchen.

I look at myself in the mirror and wish to see different. Not only the vision that is reflected back at me frightens me but also what appears behind it; the mirage of an oasis.

Can it be true? Could I be so lucky? Is there a ‘more’ beyond the ‘solid’?

I look around and I see no life. Aimless, dead (hu)-mans waste their precious time in meaningless activates. And all these activates are run by a fear or a need that they are completely unaware of.