22.5 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

This morning

This morning during my meditation I felt a strong need for closeness, being held and embraced in kind arms. I just wanted to experience some safety in the mist of this confusion and aimlessness I am going through. Most people seemingly has the option to journey within and gain innumerable visual and audial experiences without moving an inch in the physical. Whereas, I seem to need to journey through my misery and anguish along with my body’s experiences.

This morning, I felt so dismal and exhausted that I decided to leave this experience. Part of me is completely confused: Why am I doing this? I have done this so many times. And I know how it ends:  I will end up back where I started again burned and humiliated after having walked a road that is paved only with anxiety, loss and abuse.

As I was emerging from my meditation, I started reviewing the past 46 years and I notice the elements of terror and abuse as a reoccurring theme. I wonder why I attract so many harsh experiences and why I still believe that I am the bad guy who must take all kinds of nonsense in order to be redeemed.

This morning, as leafed through the years, I also noticed that those who meant to love me and cared for me abused me the most, simply out of the kindness of their hearts! It is not their fault, though. It is nobody’s fault. It is life without Life. Fear in us makes us do horrible things to each other. All the people who I have so far stood by and made considerable sacrifices for did not see any value in me. Neither do I. They only saw me as a difficult but necessary drag that they sort of felt safe with. That is all I am, a problem-solving-safety-net. I am like Shrek, the scary kind hearted Ogre who is only required when times are rough and protection is a must.

This morning, it seemed, I had provided a sense of safety to others so they could heal and move on in their lives. Although, I am basically unsuited for the job since I cannot provide the very basic sense of safety for myself. It feels like payback time, as if I was to support all these souls though I am not sure it is my job, I just took it on because of some unapparent misunderstanding. With that and as a result of feeling an unworthy, scary ogre, I have allowed myself to be terrorised and punished for four decades now while I expected to feel safe in the arms of my abusers. It is kind of mad!

So, after all, I am the creator of my miserable life.

This morning, I decided to run, to go away, to turn back. I don’t think I am capable of another round of this. I have moved countries for approximately ten times so far and I have moved houses over twenty times. I am just a homeless beggar, pleading for mercy, a sense of safety and liberation from my burden of being useful.

This morning, I looked around to see who I find in my life. I found a confused young woman without much hold of herself and two dead people: both fixed on their invisible board game of protection and abuse. I saw some others souls being oblivious of Life all together. I got really scared how lonely I suddenly felt. There was once again nobody there but me … and maybe God, I just did not see Him, there.