A helpless creature

A helpless creature at the mercy of the universe. That is the result of a decade of contemplation. Fabulous! Apparently the journey is about self-discovery – with a slight twist, obviously. Self-discovery actually means that you eventually meet a monster inside of yourself, some so-called shadow figure who turns out to be the creator of all your misery.

Interestingly this inner monster can take up various personalities partly because it wants to trick you into believing in something ‘else’ about yourself, partly because it does not actually want to be found out. This monster-creature-child is the result of our childhood sufferings and confusion, all that we were forced to face but could never manage or overcome.

This creature is always accompanied with a counterpart. This figure, a persona, is the defender of the monster-child who is often badly damaged, too.

Not showing signs of mental illness or psychological disturbances do not mean that one lacks these shadow figures.

In my case, the defender has always been very visible and audible. My personal defender is a giant lion with a deadly roar. You always know that I am defending myself because I am very angry and you feel threatened or simply uncomfortable in my presence. Though I am not actually angry with you I send such tremors into my environment that they make the air freeze momentarily.

When I am angry I feel under siege in some way and I feel too small to cope. I feel helpless in the face of some abusive force.

It is easy to guess, now, that my monster child is a helpless creature, a victim girl. I learnt early on that I have no say in my life. As a response I created a defender in the form of an anger ball who apart from protecting me creates situations where she proves her overpowering competence in basically everything.

We all have a means of transport, a vehicle that carries or a channel that provides outlet for our ego structure.

I show my competency in the matters of the creative mind. I consider most human beings stupid compared to my own abilities.

The sad thing is that this kind of superiority is purely self-fulfilling. It bears no fruit. I may be considered intelligent and exceptionally creative by some and have done some great deeds but I have never found true satisfaction in any of my endeavours. I have not found my niche that would love me back and would provide me with gratification and abundance.

No wonder. The ego trip only allows enough space for proving itself with momentary satisfaction then it must move onto the next endeavour without delay.

My defender endlessly demonstrates her superiority and feels utterly frustrated all the time with the ignorance and lazy helplessness of the world. She can’t rest and can only feel safe as long as there is an unbeatable mountain ahead where she can affirm her exceptional abilities in creative problem solving.

We are basically the monster of the sum of our fears.