I though then I demanded, finally, I hoped that it was somebody else’s job.
I spent the Holy week contemplating on my life, how my life developed into its present shape. I looked for signs where I might have taken the wrong turn. I was searching for answers. I have found none.
I could only see a sweet blondie in the distance in tears, feeling abandoned.
The last time I was seen for who I was, must have been about some 40 years ago. There was this giant and scary man who could hug me with so much passion and tenderness that I felt no harm can touch me. I was under his spell. He was my personal protective behemoth. Sadly, he vanished into a memory in a matter of a week leaving me confused, scared and lost. Soon, the sweet smile became a grimace and a shrug. My confusion turned into fury.
I suspect that the 7 year-old never understood why her favourite person, her knight in shiny armour, disappeared. She soon believed that she must have done something wrong to make him cease to care for her. He seemed to have taken grandma with him, too. From the day of his departure, she started to sadden away into pain and oblivion.
Having no knight to support her any more, the upset child put on an armour to protect herself from the vicious word around her. Soon, the armour formed into a thick layer of fat around her slim body. Later the excess evaporated into cigarette smoke. She finally found the cure for her anxiety. During the process, however, she completely disappeared behind clouds and fumes. She has not been seen ever since.
Looking back I feel the tremendous weigh of abandonment and guilt again. I should have picked up where my grandfather left it off but I couldn’t. I did not know how to parent myself at the age of 7, neither have I learnt it since then.
I though, then I demanded, finally, I hoped that someone would take up the job to care for me. I am still adamant that someone should. I believe that all that is vexing and difficult about me is simply the result of inappropriate self-protection. I am convinced that with the proper support my life may have turned out differently.
Apparently, I cannot expect another person to do that, neither can I demand God to father me. It should be my own counsel. I should stop hiding behind the wounded child persona, stop running away from responsibilities and finally take up the job of living my life that I am graciously given. Clearly, my life is exactly the way it is meant to be. Except that I doubt it.
