Another kind of love

WOW! Such an angry man.

He says Brexit will lead the way and allow other EU member countries to leave. He seemed particularly angry with the French and the German. He says The Brits will stop buying French and German products and that will be the end of the french champagne industry. I do not remember what the Brits will stop buying from the Germans. He is a hunter kind of fellow. Though he was born in the outskirts of London, he lives in Scotland.

He seems so angry all the time.
He says he goes to China twice a year and loves Chinese food which is interesting because he does not seem to like foreigners. He loves his beer and wine. He loves his food full stop.
He is an Enneagramm 9. A gentle anger-ball.


Continue reading Another kind of love

Lessons for ENG8 in God-ing :)

I am an ENG8w7. There is a little bit too much sin, condemnation and judgement in the text for me but the description is spot on. I also like the Bible examples. Steve Job was an ENG1 not an Eng8. There is quite a bit of resemblance. Both ENG1 and ENG8 are in the instinct triad. Both of them tend to control and fix the world though differently. ENG1 perfects whereas ENG8 drops a bomb and rearranges the debris. Anyhow, I love the video.

Advent Week 4 – LOVE

Loving who I am

I am a failure in every sense of the world.
I have a brilliant mind. I am intelligent. I creative. I used to be beautiful. I am well travelled. I am self- and environment aware. It has always been like this.

I was an artistic, restless and hyperactive child and soon got the label ‘trouble’. I do not recall anyone encouraging me to become ‘someone’ apart from a strange aunt. She was a psychologist who used to have me for overnight stays during which time she took me to artsy events. She encouraged me to make art. My parents were too immature to care which direction I was going. Most of my teachers were viscous and were adamant that I was a useless looser.

Early on, I decided that I would prove my prosecutors wrong and spent most of my time to prove what a worthy and valuable human being I am. I went to uni, I trained to become a teacher, I traveled extensively, I did lots of volunteering, I fought for lost causes, I took care of other people, I studied more, I created different educational projects.

Continue reading Advent Week 4 – LOVE

Advent Week 3 – Joy

I have struggled with writing about ‘joy’. I have not experienced much of it lately, neither do I – I realized –  understand the word itself. I understand what ‘hope’ and ‘peace’ means to me. I know how I feel when I am with them. Somehow, I am not sure what ‘joy’ is really like. According to the dictionary, Joy is “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness” or “rejoice”. I find it easy to laugh or to find something funny and smiley at it. But  ‘I am not feeling great pleasure’ in the process.

I  have set out to investigate the ‘land of Joy’ to see how I could have more of it.
First, I investigated the meaning of the world by looking up synonyms such as amusement, bliss, cheer, comfort, delight, glee, humour, festivity, alleviation, wonder, satisfaction, and even ecstasy and exultation. Wow! Joy seems to have a rather varied and wide scope of meaning!

Continue reading Advent Week 3 – Joy

Shred of Thought

We are doomed. Looking at her, the way she retreats in fear, I understand how much we do not stand a chance in life. We were robbed as children of all our abilities by imbeciles. Neither can I blame them, though. There is a long line of abuse we were only tiny part of. The result is lasting, however. We are here to observe our inevitable mortality and decay from a place of compete surrender.

No matter how angry I am at times at those who knowingly or not contributed to my dismay, there is only one way ahead: forgiveness and surrender.

My unforgiving-ness harms no other but my self. I keep myself stuck in a loop of horror and inconsolable despair. Until I fight for ‘justice’, for the wrong-doers to be punished, I do nothing but recreate the pain and frustration of the long-ago.

I must know that I can only be my own master if I let go of my grip on the past and surrender to the present. Only when I start seeing myself again in my own light, instead of gazing into some dimmed shadows, I start having a chance in life.

But for now, I am an anger-ball who is only just learning to surrender to the reality of her existence – what there is, goes.


My Journey from Bondage to Freedom

The essay below is part of Unity Urban Ministerial School – Foundation Course – Week 5 Assignment. Task:  In your paper, document what you learned and how you are applying what you have learned in this class that is applicable to your topic.

I found H.E. Cady’s book very supportive, particularly, in a way that it puts words on some of my feelings and understanding that I have had but was not able to verbalize before because of the lack of appropriate vocabulary. In preparing for this assignment, I decided to write my essay around some quotes from Cady’s book.

Continue reading My Journey from Bondage to Freedom

Blessings at Hannukah

Blessing for lighting the candles
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה’, אֱ-לֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו, וְצִוָּנוּ לְהַדְלִיק נֵר חֲנֻכָּה.‬

Transliteration: Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah.

Translation: “Blessed are You, LORD our God, King of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us to kindle the Hanukkah light[s].”

Blessing for the miracles of Hanukkah
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה’ אֱ-לֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁעָשָׂה נִסִּים לַאֲבוֹתֵֽינוּ בַּיָּמִים הָהֵם בַּזְּמַן הַזֶּה.‬

Transliteration: Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, she’asa nisim la’avoteinu ba’yamim ha’heim ba’z’man ha’ze.

Translation: “Blessed are You, LORD our God, King of the universe, Who performed miracles for our ancestors in those days at this time…”

Source Wiki



Hanukkah – The Jewish Festival of Lights

In 2018, Hanukkah is from the evening of Sunday, 2nd December until the evening of Monday, 10th December. We are soon approaching the end of the Festival of Lights in the Jewish tradition and I thought it is time to remember this beautiful celebration.

Hanukkah is the Jewish Festival of Lights and it remembers the rededication of the second Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, in Israel. This happened in the 160s BCE/BC (before Jesus was born). (Hanukkah is the Hebrew and Aramaic word for ‘dedication’.) Hanukkah lasts for eight days and starts on the 25th of Kislev, the month in the Jewish calendar that occurs at about the same time as December. Because the Jewish calendar is lunar (it uses the moon for its dates), Kislev can happen from late November to late December.

Continue reading Hanukkah – The Jewish Festival of Lights

Coptic Christianity in a Nutshell

The Coptic Orthodox Church split away from the broader Christian community in 451 A.D. The Coptic Church diverged from other Christians during the 5th century in part due to differing beliefs about the nature of Christ. Coptic Christians believe that Christ had two natures ― one human and one divine ― united as one “without mingling, without confusion, and without alteration.” Catholics and other Christian denominations believe in the incarnation of Jesus, which similarly holds that Christ was both fully human and fully divine. But at the time of the split, Coptic Christians were accused of believing in monophysitism ― the belief that Christ had only one, divine nature.

Coptic Christians trace their founding to the apostle St. Mark. Tradition holds that Mark brought Christianity to Egypt and founded the Coptic church during the first century. It is one of the oldest Christian churches in the Middle East and was the first founded in Africa.

Continue reading Coptic Christianity in a Nutshell

The story of the Two Christmases

Coptic Christmas is observed on what the Julian Calendar labels 25 December, a date that currently corresponds with 7 January on the more widely used Gregorian Calendar (which is also when Christmas is observed in Eastern Orthodox countries such as Russia).

The 25 December Nativity of Christ was attested very early by Hippolytus of Rome (170–236) in his Commentary on Daniel 4:23: “The first coming of our Lord, that in the flesh, in which he was born at Bethlehem, took place eight days before the calends of January, a Wednesday, in the forty-second year of the reign of Augustus, 5500 years from Adam.”

There may have been more practical considerations for choosing 25 December. The choice would help substitute a major Christian holiday for the popular Pagan celebrations surrounding the Winter Solstice (Roman Sol Sticia, the three-day stasis when the sun would rise consecutively in its southernmost point before heading north, 21, 22 and 23 December.

Until the 16th century, 25 December coincided with 29 Koiak of the Coptic calendar. However, upon the introduction of the Gregorian calendar in 1582, 25 December shifted 10 days earlier in comparison with the Julian and Coptic calendars.

Continue reading The story of the Two Christmases

Advent Week 2 – Peace

I am at Peace, I have no more demands.

God does not live in the Heavens. He does not guide us, neither does S/He give instructions on how to live our lives. That God only exists in our distorted imagination.

However, it is perfectly understandable that we spend precious time and effort in ‘creating’ a father/mother figure outside of us, sitting up in the Heavens lovingly guiding our life; to whom we can confide in and who in response forgives us and tells us what the correct way of living, thinking and breathing is. Most of us need this loving parent whom we desperately missed as children.

Throughout history, each religion created its own God. They all serve the same purpose: God fulfils our desire to be loved and cared for unconditionally. Except, each religion requests its members to believe in the particularly image of God.

In our bigotry  we believe in One Particular Image of God and not noticing that each vision of God is just as false as the other, at the same time, they are entirely the same. They all serve one single purpose: a substitute parent figure. They all are just a fragment of our imagination. It is all just fantasy.

Until recently, I prayed to such a ‘fantasy’ God. I used my image of God to demand and receive guidance and support. My particular image was of a God who led me to find the right job, the right place to live, etc. At least this is what I thought. It all worked perfectly until one day something went really wrong and I felt being let down by my loving Father, by the Entity who was supposed to make sure that no harm befalls me.

In my rage, I demanded an answer. ‘How dare you let me know? How dare you betray me? How could you do this to me, your faithful prodigal son?’

There was no answer and there was nowhere else to turn, either. My imaginary father-figure disappeared. The image I created in my mind was gone. As I was screaming into the dark emptiness His Place left behind, I realized how I betrayed myself by having created this false parent-God.

I came to realize that I had desperately needed a loving parent, someone who guided me, who told me what to do when in doubt, someone who cared about me unconditionally. In my desperation, however, I did not notice how much I deceived myself with this false image of God.

This morning in my meditation, I saw a brilliant and witty but uncontrollable man and a woman suffering his tempers and tantrums. Then, I saw a young woman hiding in a dark room, peeking outside through a crack on the blinds covering the windows. If all these figures are different aspects of my-self what do they want to tell me? I realized how much I was afraid of my own uncontrollable self, how much I needed a loving and understanding parent because the parents I grew up with and internalized were weak and punishing.

I am supposed to be my own loving parent and council even though I do not know exactly what the hack I am supposed to do. Parenting and guiding is not God’s job.

I know and experience that the Truth of God resides within me. God’s Essence is who I am. I am a unique spark of God. I am God in my Essence. This is no Fantasy. Each time I close my eyes and look within I can see the Spark and the Essence of Who I am.

My journey Home is no longer about finding God residing in a High Place. My journey is no longer about finding an unconditionally loving parent.

My journey, from now on, is to connect with my God-Self and to Honour the opportunity that I can be of God consciously.

two candles

Advent Week 1 – HOPE

The first week of Advent starts today. HOPE is the theme. This morning in my meditation I was contemplating on what to ‘hope’ for this coming week?

Looking at the state of affairs the world is in and the way I have felt these past few days, I realized that the best I can hope for is compassion.

For me, compassion diminishes the dark-feel of disparity and the adjoining judgement and indifference.

Today, I had a discussion with a fellow traveller who is on a rather different point of view to mine when it comes to ‘paths to enlightenment’.

In my world, ‘all roads lead to Roma’; whatever path you chose to attain enlightenment, make sure you chose what works for you regardless of what ‘main stream’ ideologists, theologists, or mystics claims to be the one and only true way to God.

The world is full of misunderstandings; we do not seem to use the same words; we strongly believe that what we consider ‘right’ or ‘just’ is the only way to live-and-breath; we tend to be righteous. And it is understandable, I must add, because our sense of security is based on our personal understanding of how the world operates.

I remind myself that I only have to answer to God; the God who resides within me. S/He is my counsel and judge. S/He loves unconditionally. So, I remind myself to dare, to dare to do my own thing, to dare to find my own unique and personal way to God and enlightenment!

For that, however, I must develop compassion. It is fundamental that I have compassion. I must embrace myself in my own Loving so I can stop judging myself in light of the dissimilarities that I may display. It is also crucial that I have compassion for others so I can prevent myself from judging them in protection of my own ‘integrity’.

I HOPE for compassion because compassion allows us all to live, let-live and to be – just as we all are.


Baha’i Faith

“Wert thou to attain to but a dewdrop of the crystal waters of divine knowledge, thou wouldst readily realize that true life is not the life of the flesh but the life of the spirit…”— Bahá’u’lláh

Baha’u’llah’s Revelation affirms that the purpose of our lives is to know God and to attain His presence. Our true identity is our rational soul, whose free will and powers of understanding enable us to continually better ourselves and our society. Walking a path of service to God and to humanity gives life meaning and prepares us for the moment the soul separates from the body and continues on its eternal journey towards its Maker.


“Every created thing in the whole universe is but a door leading into His knowledge…”— Bahá’u’lláh

The Bahá’í Writings explain that the reality of God is beyond the understanding of any mortal mind, though we may find expressions of His attributes in every created thing. Throughout the ages, He has sent a succession of Divine Messengers, known as Manifestations of God, to educate and guide humanity, …

God, the Creator of the universe, is all-knowing, all-loving and all-merciful. Just as the physical sun shines on the world, so the light of God is shed upon all Creation. Through the teachings of the Manifestations of God—among them Abraham, Krishna, Zoroaster, Moses, Buddha, Jesus Christ, Muhammad, and, in more recent times, the Báb and Bahá’u’lláh …

Humanity, having passed through the ages of infancy and childhood, now stands at the threshold of its collective maturity, …

To serve or not to serve

The boy killed himself in the church yard. The pastor talks about the society we, adults, have created for our children. A society that compares and judges. A society that must have ‘the best’ and everything else is mediocre or disappointing.

The 15-year-old boy killed himself in the centre church’s yard broad daylight. NOBODY NOTICED him, though, he had been missing for two days and showed up on various security cameras all over town.

But why the church yard? What was he communicating?

My first thought was: How could God let this happen?

The Church is a holy place of love, acceptance, and unconditional care. Why couldn’t the boy ask for help from an adult, a priest, maybe? He went to the church to end his sufferings but could not enter the church for support.

Isn’t there something wrong with the Church if a troubled soul cannot find solace in it?

I am a regular church-goer. I love attending masses because I sense that all present are there with one single reason, turning towards God and bathing is His Presence. The Church, as an institution, however, offers nothing but pointless rituals.


Continue reading To serve or not to serve

A time for rejuvenation

This morning I was reading an article on Ramadan. Ramadan started on 15 May 2018. Interestingly Christians observed Pentecost or Whit Sunday (Monday) on 20-21 May finishing the 50 day observation period since Easter, and Jews celebrated a week of Passover more or less at the same time.

Both events are about connecting to Spirit of God on a deeper level. Pentecost focuses on receiving the wisdom and enlightenment of the Spirit and the start of the ministry of the Apostles. Whereas during Passover or Pesach Jews celebrate a commemoration of their liberation by God from slavery in ancient Egypt and their freedom as a nation under the leadership of Moses.

Reading the article below, I realized that we are all at a cross road this time of year. It is time to rejuvenate. Spring breeze brings new beginnings and asks us during these times of spiritual observation and reflection to choose a new way of being.


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Wisdom and Freedom

Some background info on Pentecost & Passover here

For the next two days we are asked to review the past 50 days and see how far we have come since Easter. At Easter, Jesus was revealed to be one of our guides on the way to Home. His teachings became a source for personal wisdom that must be exercised individually.

So, have you been preparing yourself during the past 50 days for receiving the Wisdom?
For the next two days Wisdom of the Holy Spirit awaits us. New roads can open up that swishes us closer to our freedom in Spirit allowing us to eventually see God’s true face – our guiding light.

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Acts 2

The Holy Spirit Comes at Pentecost
1 When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2 Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3 They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4 All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues[a] as the Spirit enabled them.

5 Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. 6 When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment, because each one heard their own language being spoken. 7 Utterly amazed, they asked: “Aren’t all these who are speaking Galileans? 8 Then how is it that each of us hears them in our native language? 9 Parthians, Medes and Elamites; residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia,[b] 10 Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya near Cyrene; visitors from Rome 11 (both Jews and converts to Judaism); Cretans and Arabs—we hear them declaring the wonders of God in our own tongues!” 12 Amazed and perplexed, they asked one another, “What does this mean?”

Continue reading Acts 2

Pentecost & Passover

History + Traditions of Pentecost/Whit Sunday & Passover
The word Pentecost is Greek and it means “50th day.” Fifty days after Easter Sunday, we celebrate the coming of the Holy Spirit upon the Apostles and their followers, and the beginning of their Earthly ministry to make disciples of all nations.

At Pentecost, the Apostles and their followers were gathered in a room. Jews from all over the world were gathered with Peter, the leader of the Apostles and the Eleven. At this time, a great wind blew and a flame appeared as a tongue of fire, which split itself into many individual flames above the heads of all those present. The Holy Spirit came upon these people and each began to speak in tongues.

Peter then called all those present to be baptized and about three thousand people were baptized that day.


painting by Ed de Guzman (2014)

Continue reading Pentecost & Passover

The Promise of Easter

This week the Christian Church observes the Via Dolorosa, Jesus’ last days and hours that are depicted in the 14 Stations. During this week, we walk the sorrowful way towards Resurrection in Easter.

The origin of the stations are a bit hazy, some claims it originates from Mary, Jesus’ mother, some say that the stations were created by the Catholic Church in the 15th century. It does not really matter. With the right focus any ritual can be used to support one on the Path Home to God. The simpler, the better.

So, I asked one of my teachers how I might be able to use the practices and rituals of the ‘main stream’ churches for my benefits, Via Dolorosa and Easter in particular. He gave me some hints on the meanings of the Stations that made me ponder over the possible meanings of the stations and how I could use them to support myself personally.

The Bible describes The Stations as Jesus’ last moments between his condemnation and placement into the tomb. These moments seem to me as different aspects of human life between birth and death. With this in mind, I chose to contemplate on Life itself, from my birth until my inevitable demise. As I was observing the stations I started to see my humanity with all its challenges and blessings reflected in them.

Continue reading The Promise of Easter

Via Dolorosa

The Stations of the Cross, also known as the Way of the Cross, or Via Dolorosa (Sorrowful Way), is a popular Lenten devotion. This time we are asked to call to mind the Passion of Christ, that is, the journey Jesus took from his condemnation to his death.

The Way of the Cross has its origins with the Blessed Mother. It is said that she, who pondered all the mysteries of Christ in her heart, retraced the steps of her Son’s Passion and the significant events that happened along the way, keeping in her memory, and for the memory of the Church, the sacred path on which the Son of God trod to accomplish our redemption.

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Psalm Sunday – Letting go of the not-letting-go

The priest was talking about the Stations of the Cross and asked us to be vigilant, during the Holy Week, of the manner we walk the stations with Jesus every step of the way.

The past month has been tumultuous for me, a roller-coaster ride with tears and anger. I felt physically sick as well. Church is the only place where I feel consoled.

As I was meditating in the church this morning and partially listening to the sermon, I remembered a short conversation I had had with one of my teachers. I told him how unwell and weak I had been feeling. In his short response he shared that the reason for my feeling under the weather was my expectations. It made no sense at the time. In the church, this morning, however, it downed on me how my expectations work. Sadly, I also realized that I simply cannot let them go.

Continue reading Psalm Sunday – Letting go of the not-letting-go


God could have arranged something by now. You know, like Echart Tolle, who one day found himself enlightened. Out of the blue. The Holy Spirit could have intervened. I could have reached a relevant state of peace, I could have let go of my past, my pre-dispositions, some of my fears, I could be enlightened by now.

Obviously, that is not the plan. It has never been the plan.

There is no plan.

Nothing matters.

I can struggle as much as I want to and it still makes no difference.

God knows, regardless of my present state of being and my hard-headedness that I will return to Him one day without fail.

He smiles and laughs at my feebleness.

Continue reading Fractions

Peace of mind by non-participation

What to fast on this Lenten Season?

Lent stared early this year. I just made my new year’s resolutions then, suddenly, it is the day of Epiphany asking me to meditate on what spiritual focus I want to hold for myself to this year. And here we are again, another season of contemplation: The Lenten Season. This time we are asked to release something that does not work for us anymore.

Since Ash Wednesday, I have contemplated on what to sacrifice on the altar of purification. Well, I can name quite a few things that do not work for me anymore. I wish to release, for example, my angry disposition, my vexing nature, my impatience, my defensiveness, my inability to forgive, my obligations and put it all behind me. However, I am also aware that my life does not revolve around this wish list; I am on God’s timing. Letting go is when He says “It is time!”

So, if there is nothing I can let go of, what is it that I could possible gain by observing the Lantern Season?

Continue reading Peace of mind by non-participation


I have recently noticed that I just want time to pass. I constantly count down the minutes and the days. Each morning I wake up, I just cannot wait for the day to end. For a few decades I hoped that the next day would bear more fruit. By now, I have learnt that life runs on its own course, it has its own agenda, and takes no interference. Life is Fate.

The power of Fate is portrayed so beautifully in Romeo and Juliet. My favourite version is ‘Shakespeare in Love’.

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St. Valentine, the true story

He was a Roman Priest at a time when there was an emperor called Claudias who persecuted the church at that particular time,” Father O’Gara explains. ” He also had an edict that prohibited the marriage of young people. This was based on the hypothesis that unmarried soldiers fought better than married soldiers because married soldiers might be afraid of what might happen to them or their wives or families if they died.”

“I think we must bear in mind that it was a very permissive society in which Valentine lived,” says Father O’Gara. “Polygamy would have been much more popular than just one woman and one man living together. And yet some of them seemed to be attracted to Christian faith. But obviously the church thought that marriage was very sacred between one man and one woman for their life and that it was to be encouraged. And so it immediately presented the problem to the Christian church of what to do about this.”

“The idea of encouraging them to marry within the Christian church was what Valentine was about. And he secretly married them because of the edict.”

Valentine was eventually caught, imprisoned and tortured for performing marriage ceremonies against command of Emperor Claudius the second. There are legends surrounding Valentine’s actions while in prison.

Full article


From Ashes to Ashes, from Dust to Dust

Ash Wednesday, which falls forty-six days before Easter, marks the beginning of the Lenten season. The churches of the Anglican Communion, as well as some other Protestant churches observe Ash Wednesday. Eastern Rite churches, however, do not observe Ash Wednesday, their Lent begins on the preceding Monday.

Lenten Season is a period of self-observation and fasting on worldly ‘matters’. It is also a time to contemplate on our life in the physical. From Ashes to Ashes, from Dust to Dust.

Continue reading From Ashes to Ashes, from Dust to Dust

Preparing for Lent, Ash Wednesday

A couple of days ago a friend suggested that my main karma is that I feel obliged. The Hungarian word ‘köteles’ when translated literally means ‘by rope’. I think it is rather interesting that I constantly feel that I am ‘by the rope’. It is true that I am convinced that this life is somehow not mine, it is more like an obligation to fulfil. Most of the experiences I encounter are so ‘not like me’ that I am sure I did not chose but I somehow found myself in them. Because they are unfamiliar and uncomfortable I just want to get over with them hoping that, maybe then, I will have my own wonderful life.

However, that day has never come. I kept on feeling obliged to lead a life I cannot relate to, at all. Therefore, I soon decided that the reason behind it must be some kind of punishment. Nevertheless, I kept on waiting for the day when I am done with the doom, the hardship, the abuse, the upset, and the anger; when I am free to be me.

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Beyond right and wrong

As often, I did the intro to our morning meditation. In my prayer, I asked God to come and meet me in the garden where no right and wrong exists. I sound such a committed devotee, at the same time I feel such a fake. I struggle immensely to stay with ‘it’.

My life is so not what it is supposed to be like. Every bit of it seems so extremely challenging to me. I experience my life so out of order, so out of balance … I am angry, resistant and upset most of the time.

I am nothing like a ‘pastor’ is supposed to be like. Pastors are faithful creatures kneeling at the feet of the Lord, saying Grace for their very life. No, not me. Mostly, I find it impossible to see God’s grace in my life, the beauty of my existence behind the giant clouds of my expectations.

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So, how do you measure your lovable-ness?

This morning, in my meditation I found myself upset with the world for not appreciating me. I remembered how I was told off as a child when I asked too many questions and the way my teachers reacted when I said something ‘stupid’. It took me a very long journey to realize that I am not actually ignorant but too intelligent. I am a creative and as such I constantly question the equilibrium. We are all good at something, we are just good at different things. The reason why the present education system does not work for the majority of students is the standardization. One fits all. So, I quickly learnt that I am not lovable the way I am because I do not fit the one-size.

Continue reading So, how do you measure your lovable-ness?


Acts 10:39-43
We are witnesses of everything he did in the country of the Jews and in Jerusalem. They killed him by hanging him on a cross, but God raised him from the dead on the third day and caused him to be seen. He was not seen by all the people, but by witnesses whom God had already chosen — by us who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead. He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead. All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name. (NIV)

Have you ever wondered …

  • Who is a witness, a chosen one?
  • What is the name that grants us forgiveness?


What is forgiveness by God?

Forgiveness has nothing to do any wrongdoing in the world. That is why God cares none if you are a murderer or you are a saint. He loves both equally. We may not like it because we see ourselves through a moral lens that says that there is a ‘right’ way and a ‘wrong’ way, and there a good kind of person and there is a bad kind of person.

Continue reading Forgiveness

The greatest SIN

The greatest sin is that we take on the image the world shows us of ourselves and lose touch with our true nature and the gifts we arrived here with.

This is how we are separated from God.

We allow the separation by willingly become the person we are asked to in order to feel safe and protected in a crazy and violent world. The price we pay is our identity in God.


Morning awareness

This morning as I was contemplating in the conservatory looking out into the morning darkness and observing how the faint light becomes stronger and stronger with each minute, I noticed how unsatisfied I was with my life.

I consider myself an exceptionally bright human being with a unique sense of creativity and depth of vision that is not available to the majority. I am gifted. I have a lot to offer but all that is trapped inside of me within the bars of the cage I live in. Some people call it comfort-zone, some barriers or blockages that prevent me from fulfilling my potential.

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As I am heading back to the UK to work, I sadly noticed how dissatisfied I was with my life. It is not that I am not grateful for what I am given. Neither is it about not being expecting to be rich or running my own company or having some giant deal going on for me in the world. It is simply the nagging feeling that I somehow block myself to be the Best of Me.

Though I doubted my abilities for decades after having been put down and been told what a useless human being I was. Now, I know what I can offer, I also know what actions bring me a sense of flow and satisfaction. I am still not doing them. Not much anyway.

Continue reading Dissatisfied

Epiphany in disguise

Yesterday, I was observing the epiphanies in my life.

In the morning I had a lovely chat with my best friends discussing our New Year’s resolutions and how we envisage our life the next year. Life was good and I felt a sense of connection and being supported. I had many epiphanies during our discussions on how I sabotage myself in areas of my life where I feel stuck and ‘unlucky’.

After our talk, I went to have something to eat and I found my mum with a measuring tape and a list of furniture outlets. After my inquiry she told me that she and my brother had decided to move my bookshelf, put my books into some cabinet in my brother’s bedroom and stand a hanger in place of the bookshelf that so far had stood in my brother’s living room.

I went into an unexpected rage saying ‘You do not dare touch my things! If anything is on your way, I’ll take care of it.’ With that I steamed upstairs and moved the whole book case into ‘my’ bedroom. Upon my furious rearranging the living room my brother questioned my behavior. I told him that I was only moving my bookcase and books into my bedroom. I was simply told that it was not ‘my bedroom’ and I am only quest in his house. My mother seconded that by saying that I was behaving like an idiot.

Continue reading Epiphany in disguise

Blinded By Your Grace, Pt. 2

I’m blinded by your grace
I’m blinded by your grace, by your grace
I’m blinded by your grace
I’m blinded by your
Lord, I’ve been broken
Although I’m not worthy
You fixed me, I’m blinded
By your grace
You came and saved me
Lord, I’ve been broken
Although I’m not worthy
You fixed me, now I’m blinded
By your grace
You came and saved me
One time for the Lord

Continue reading Blinded By Your Grace, Pt. 2

Observing the 12 days of Christmas

As I am observing the days of this Christmas season am becoming more and more aware of the excruciating effects of my narcissistic expectations.

I expect the world to roll up its sleeves and fight for the good, the noble, the exceptional, the unique, the better, the more human, the perfect … In response, however, the world is upset with me. Each time I demand a change the world throws its fists at me. Justly, I must add. What I do not see is that each time I request a better version of what is the world feels judged, criticized, dismissed and condemned.

Though, I understand that my critical nature was formed under immense amount of scrutiny as a child and it eventually developed into a full-blown discerning meddles and fault-finder, I still believe that the problem is not with the ‘what’ but the ‘how’.

Continue reading Observing the 12 days of Christmas


“ Beloved,
I am waiting for you to free me
into your mind
And infinite being.
I am pleading in absolute helplessness
To her, finally, your word of Grace:
Fly! Fly into ME!
Who can understand
Your sublime nearness and separation?”
(Hafiz, I heard God Laughing)


I heard God sharing (Sept 2017)

God often talks to me. I used to ignore Him because I did not understand what He said. He was persistent. He never gave up trying to find the way to share with me. So, eventually, I bowed at His wish and started to listen. Then I learnt what a special experience it is when He talks. He is kind and clear in His sharing. He guides with His words and shows the way forward. i feel very grateful for His friendship. I decided to share some of His words.

During a meditation session, God revealed to me that He want me to see and love His Creation. He is proud of it. He explained that the next step on my journey is to start journeying within. This may result in me journeying less on the outside.

Continue reading I heard God sharing (Sept 2017)

12 days of Xmas + NY resolutions

Today I was contemplating on the significance of the 12 days of Christmas. I have read various articles and watched videos on how different cultures celebrate Christmas, New Year and the time between the 25th of December and the 6th of January.

According to the Christian Church each day of the 12 days of Christmas is devoted to a saint or some religious act. In the calendar I found a day devoted to St Thomas Becket, the Archbishop of Canterbury (29 December) or another to St Egwin of Worcester (30th Devember). I understood that Christians celebrate Mary, Jesus’s mother as well as St. Basil the Great and St. Gregory Nazianzen or St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, the first American saint. The dates, events and celebrations all depend on the type of Church you follow.
My guest for the twelve days of Christmas is to see ‘how much devotion I can generate in my spiritual practice for the next year’. On the 6th of January, at Epiphany, I will commit myself for a year of delight. Until then, I am gathering focus and understanding on what I mean by ‘delight’and what the truly meaningful ‘things’ are to my soul’s journey in the physical.

Continue reading 12 days of Xmas + NY resolutions

Advent W4

The fourth week of Advent: LOVE

When I wrote about the week of joy, I somehow secretly expected it to be fun. But the week, though it was easy going with some laughter it was not very enjoyable at all. I felt exhausted. Still, I kept on going, kept on smiling, kept on doing the work I had been assigned to. Then I snapped. I could no do it any longer. Like a stubborn horse, I budged, and I did not move. I said I was done and I was off. It did not go down very well but I was so firm in my decision that universe co-operated and I was released.

Last night, upon my arrival I had a huge glass of wine then I watched Heaven is for Real. I cried my eyes out. The equilibrium was restored. But joy still had not arrived. Then I set down to see if there was a movie I fancied on TV. I found a channel that ran a Jennifer Aniston marathon. I watched and laughed through two of her movies. I felt much lighter, I felt the healing effect of my light-heartedness, a sense of carelessness. I enjoyed that I was free to do as I pleased because the ‘house’ was mine fi\or the night. But my sense of Joy still had not come.

Continue reading Advent W4

The joy of being me

I am happy. I experience joy, suddenly. I realize that I carry the energy of the court jester. Someone who can be laughed at and made fun of because nobody actually understands what she is saying. It is always, however, that the jester is witty and entertaining because he is intelligent and bright. I live in a world of magnificence. I see colours, shapes and forms experience depth that is not available to many. My mind is wired in a way that allows me to see the vastness of our human existence. I can actually experience and grasp the layers of my hu-manity; my God-Essence in a human form.

Sadly, I denied who I am in God for many, many years because I was told that I was wrong.

Continue reading The joy of being me

Advent W3

The third week of Advent: JOY

This week we reclaim our sense of joy.

After having become aware of a layer of our personality that does not serve us any more and having made peace with it, we can rejoice.

Being joyous requires a little bit more than just having some fun time over the holidays. In our joy we are reconnected with your God Essence. It is, however, only possible if you have freed yourself from some of the blocks that held you hostage. The part of your shadow personality that you made peace with last week can be let go of now. In the releasing of the blockage you can suddenly see and experience more of who you are.

When we light the third candle, let us remember who we truly are: a sparkle of God’s Essence. With that let us embrace, this week, our ‘good and bad’ and have great fun with it all.

 three candles

When your nemesis is your saviour

She is just a trigger. One of the unaware ones.

In a sense, I am grateful to her. Not only for myself but for the other two girls, too. She is our nemesis. She drives us off the wall. Each one of us differently.

She shows one how much she tries to avoid conflicts and how hard she tries to smooth the rough edges in order to avoid it bursting into her face. She shows her how much efforts she invest into covering it up so the real issue would never show its face. This one needs to learn to face the music and know that others have responsibilities too over matters. She needs to learn to trust that others bear the ability to deal with troublesome issues themselves, alone.

One she probes on her sense of maturity and inner-stability by asking confusing questions and pretending to be the wise one. This one needs to learn and know that she does not need to explain herself because her decisions are valid and just. She is powerful and has the right to be angry and say no to unacceptable behaviour.

With me, well, she blames me for it all. So, I need to learn and know that I am not to be blamed and that I am immaculate.

Continue reading When your nemesis is your saviour

Your DIVINE WORD for the YEAR 2018

Focus creates experiences.

Have you ever noticed that when focusing on a type of car, they start appearing everywhere? Or when you focus on a certain colour it seems to be all around you?

No surprise! These experiences are due to your focus on a particular matter or idea. Moreover, all of your experiences are consequences of the focus of you attention. You may not be aware but if you observe your experiences they tell you where your focus is laid.
Luckily, you can consciously direct it in a way that your focal point creates miraculously divine experiences for you.

When you pray to God to deliver you a certain experience you actually sharpen your focus on the very thing you wish for. Why don’t you support God’s effort by straightening your own intentions? To maximize success you can chose a focus for a whole year. In God’s Grace, your divine intention will be delivered to you via miraculous serendipity.

Continue reading Your DIVINE WORD for the YEAR 2018

Advent W2

The second week of Advent: PEACE

Last week I was contemplating on HOPE and how hope can change my focus from the negative and depressive to the light-hearted and joyous.

The theme of the second week of Advent is PEACE. When we light the second candle on the Advent Wreath we shift our attention from HOPE to PEACE. This week, we are asked to make peace with something that has long been troubling us.

Continue reading Advent W2

Answers to questions, Advent W1

This week I needed some self support in overcoming my challenges. During the week of HOPE I decided to remind myself of the good things, particularly in areas where I feel the most challenged by negative thoughts. I created a few questions to help me remember.

1. Can I find anything positive about the way I was brought up? – I grew up with value system that taught me to appreciate knowledge and education. My parents loved travelling and I received many gifts on their returns. In my family giving gifts to each other was the major way of showing love and appreciation so I received a lot of things as a child.

Continue reading Answers to questions, Advent W1

Advent W1

The first week of Advent: HOPE

According to the Christian Church Advent means “coming” and in this season we prepare for the coming of Christ. One of the ways we prepare for the coming is by making the Advent wreath and lighting its candles to remind us of the gifts Christ brings to the world. (source)

In my experience, however, Advent is about walking through the darkness like a tunnel and coming out at the other end at Christ-mass. This is when we celebrate our rebirth in Christ-consciousness; in the Loving through the eyes of God.

Continue reading Advent W1

Dia de los Muertos

A beautiful celebration of remembering. The Day of the Dead reminds us to embrace the wonderful memories of our loved ones who are not with us any more but whom we can connect with in spirit, particularly, during this fun-filled and light-hearted event.

The celebration of  Dia de los Muertos asks us to remember that in spirit we are all connected and that no soul is lost in God’s realm. The loss of a loved one pains us, nevertheless, we must remember that our journey does not stop at our departure from the physical world. Our spirit travels on and we can reconnect with and celebrate the freedom of the spirit who is not binded by the limitations of life in the physical any more.

The book of Life Trailer

Heartfelt Connection

The Heart’s Intuitive Intelligence: A path to personal, social and global coherence

The Spiritual Heart — is in a way a little like a smart phone, invisibly connecting us to a large network of information. It is through an unseen energy that the heart emits that humans are profoundly connected to all living things. The energy of the heart literally links us to each other. Every person’s heart contributes to a ‘collective field environment.’ This short video explains the importance of this connection and how we each add to this collective energy field. The energetic field of the heart even connects us with the earth itself.

The HeartMath Institute is helping provide a more comprehensive picture of this connection between all living things through a special science-based project called the Global Coherence Initiative. They hope to help explain the mysteries of this connection between people and the earth…and even the sun.

Scientists at the HeartMath Institute (HMI) have already conducted extensive research on the power of heart, the heart/brain connection, heart intelligence and practical intuition.

Whether personal relationships, social connections, or even the global community – we are all connected through a field of electromagnetic energy. Increasing individual awareness of what we bring to this field environment could be the key to creating a sustainable future, a future that we can be proud to have helped create.

Links to visit

Personal Storytelling – HOLOS 1


During these years of self-discovery, I found healing through art, meditation, and by attending personal development seminars and such. I soon understood that I am not only interested in finding my own answers but I wish to support others in finding theirs, too. As a next step, I embarked on a journey of becoming a coach and a trainer and later a minister.

Sometime later, with the support of some friends, I established a non for profit organisation and started to work with teachers, parents and children, particularly children living in orphanages. During these years, I gathered how important it is for me to be available for the emotionally needy and to help them find inner resources to recover from their losses and difficulties.

Continue reading Personal Storytelling – HOLOS 1

Upclose and personal

Good God! A 4-hour chatting marathon. It helped me understand that I was hanging in the void for quite some time thinking that I was with God but I actually wasn’t. When I realized this I felt cheated and very lost.  I hold God responsible for my ‘stuck-ness’.

I suddenly understand how stuck I am. I have been stuck for a very long time, even before I arrived here. I seem to have been lingering in the void all along. And I still have not realized why I could not go through the void the first place. I must be holding some grouch, somewhere. What I understand now is that I feel that God has let me down. I hold him responsible for my stuck-ness. I feel that he does not help me though it though he could. He should. I know it is silly but this is how it feels right now.

Continue reading Upclose and personal



I don’t know if I’m getting old
I don’t know if I’m getting tired
I don’t know if I want to go to work today
‘Cause I spent last night with my old friend
He said its make or break time
So I asked the burning question
Why when I want to make a forward move do you knock me to the ground?
And he said…

He said I’m gonna break you down
And then I’m gonna build you up again
Stronger then ever before

I don’t know if I’m getting wasted
I don’t know if I’m disillusioned
I don’t know if I want to make the effort today
I had another bad night with my old friend
He said there’s no separation, there’s only integration,
He really isn’t anything physical
Just a voice inside my head, that keeps saying, keep saying, keep saying. ..

He said I’m gonna break you down boy
And then I’m gonna build you up again
Stronger then ever before
(he says I’m gonna break you down boy)
He said I’m gonna break you down
Then I’m gonna build you up again

He said I’m gonna take your mother away
So I can watch your boyhood burn
E’en though your father failed to show you the way
And now there’s no where left to turn
He said I’m gonna break you down boy
I’m gonna turn your rock to sand
He said I’m gonna crush your spirit boy
Then you’ll have to take a stand
He said I’m gonna hurt you so bad
You’ll have no where left to turn
(He said I’m gonna break you down boy)
He said I’m gonna break you down boy
Then you can finally be a man

A child’s world …

Worried that their son was too optimistic, the parents of a little boy took him to a psychiatrist. In an attempt to dampen the boy’s spirits, the psychiatrist showed him into a room piled high with nothing but horse manure. Instead of displaying distaste, the little boy clambered to the top of the pile and began digging.

“What are you doing?” the psychiatrist asked.

“With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere.”

Ben Jonesx


Shreds of Thought

The wounded are the best healers.

I would like to give the kids in my care the opportunity to know God, or rather I’d like to prevent them from loosing God’s Love.

I don’t seem to be able to heal myself or give myself back what is lost. I seems to be lost forever. But I wish to help the kids to recognize God within themselves, that the are co-creators with God and in His Power they are safe. So, they do not need to sell out, they do not have to become powerless creatures in the storm of emotions. They can learn to recognize His Power invested in them and consciously hold onto that power through meditation and  praying. They can know God and not lost in the world.

I wish teens could understand that living in mystical love is a state of continuous orgasm of the soul. The body does not understand the soul’s desire for ecstasy. The body thinks that its pleasured state is the best place to be. How wrong. The pleasure that the soul brings about through its connectios with its originator is the deepest pleasure of all.


images (1)

My Easter Resurrection

Over the past few days, I have been wondering what to do to ‘overcome death’. Christians believe that “the meaning of Easter is Jesus Christ’s victory over death. His resurrection symbolizes the eternal life that is granted to all who believe in Him. The meaning of Easter also symbolizes the complete verification of all that Jesus preached and taught during His three-year ministry. … His resurrection … gave final and irrefutable proof that He was really the Son of God and that He had conquered death once and for all. … the meaning of Easter, for millions of Christians, is that of honouring and recognizing Jesus Christ’s resurrection from the dead, and His glorious promises of eternal life for all who believe in Him. ” Source

In a broader sense, overcoming death means letting go of the world in order to reunite with God once and for all. In my understanding, Jesus’ life and teaching is rather a source of guidance than a solution. I cannot consider Jesus’ sacrifice as an act of good deed for humanity, so we would not need to do anything but believe in Him for our own resurrection. I strongly believe that Jesus came to show us an example ‘how to do it’, he did not simply sacrificed himself on the cross so we would not be required to do a thing, ever.

For me, Faith is active, a constant movement both within and out in the world, too. Exactly, like Jesus showed us, He preached and lived the teaching.

Continue reading My Easter Resurrection

Servant of Love

This morning I asked God why He gives me this amazing ability, this heightened level of perception to see beyond the surface, that I call intelligence? I questioned why he allowed me to have access to such great depths of this world if I cannot make others see this world? I complained that He wasted my talent because no matter how hard I tried to explain what I can perceive nobody could understand it. This endless struggle also makes me feel very lonely.

He said nothing in response.

Some time later my old lady came downstairs. We had some chit-chat about the newspapers then we discussed what to have for breakfast. As I was leaving the room, my old lady called after and said: “I shall miss you!”

“Thank you for saying that!” I responded and tears started to run down on my face.

Continue reading Servant of Love

The Season of Lent

Lent in 2017 begins on Wednesday, March 1 and ends on Thursday, April 13

Today we are starting the season of Lent. Lent is a season for ‘giving up’ something. Have you ever considered what for?
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'” Matthew 4:1-4 Source

I was wondering what to give up and what to embrace during the season of Lent. During Lent, most people give up something they particularly like but consider it ‘bad’ with some reason. The time of Lent is not particularly about making us crave something that we deny ourselves to have. This is the time is to let go of something that does not serve us anymore and to embrace something that does.

As we read into the lines saying “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'”, we can see that Jesus is letting go of the material food and embracing the spiritual one.

So, what is it going to be for you? Can you think of a habit of yours that does not seem to do much good to your life any more? Without judging it, just observe its workings and decide to release it with loving thoughts. What is it going to be?  As we free up space in our life God immediately fills it up with something new. So, what would you like it to be? What would you like to embrace in place of the one you are letting go of?

Continue reading The Season of Lent

1 Corinthians 13:12

I have contemplated a lot on this verse over the years. I still am. I have always loved it. I read it at my Grandmother’s funeral. I did not understand it then. I saw through a glass, darkly, then. Now that I know myself more, I am aware of the meaning of this verse more. And I am still learning. I still only know in parts, but one day I shall know as I am known. The more I am in touch with who I am, the more I understand and live the Loving that resides inside of me. God’s Gift is the Knowing that is only available to us through our Living the Loving, Living who we are in Him. Our entire life is the discovery of His Loving within us.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. KJV




Man in the mirror <3

I’m gonna make a change, for once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right…
As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin’ my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer’s disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man’s soul
They follow each other on the wind ya’ know
’Cause they got nowhere to go
That’s why I want you to know
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
(Take a look at yourself, and then make a change)
(Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)
I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It’s time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel
to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they’re
not alone?
A willow deeply scarred, somebody’s broken heart
And a washed-out dream
(Washed-out dream)
They follow the pattern on the wind, ya’ see
’Cause they got no place to be
That’s why I’m starting with me
(Starting with me!)
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself and then make a change
(Take a look at yourself and then make a change)
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
(Change his ways – ooh!)
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself and then make that…
(Take a look at yourself and then make that…)



The Wicked

At the beginning of January we started a journey, the journey of the Season of Epiphany where are being revealed to ourselves. We ask and we are shown who we truly are.

As we learn about different aspects of ourselves we are given the opportunity to love and embrace all these parts. As we allow the unloved parts to come out to play again and by accepting ourselves as we are, we heal.

The part of ourselves we hate or shun tends to draw attention to itself by acting out and causing trouble and become the wicked. Often, in response to our ‘unjust’ treatment this part of our personality becomes a nuisance, it becomes a constant bother in some way or another.

But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8

Continue reading The Wicked

Control vs. Faith in grace

Control vs. faith in grace

” … But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved — … For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ….” Ephesians 2:1–22 – By Grace Through Faith (extracts)

I was watching a film the other day, in which there was a young boy of about 10. He was mowing the lawn, one day. His father came to the garden checking on him. He noticed a patch of grass not having been cut and said to his son: Son, you have left this bit out. Let me show you how to do it right!” The boy looked up sadly and nodded in agreement. A few minutes later, the boy was putting his model airplane together in the basement. His father showed up angrily complaining about the smell of glue in the house. “You are using too much glue, son! Look! Let me show you how to do it right!” The boy stood up and as his father set down at the table the boy left the basement silently.

When we try and control the outcome of a situation, we disempower all involved and prevent God’s generous gifts to be revealed to us all.

So, why do we try and control life?

Continue reading Control vs. Faith in grace


What is surrender?
In the dictionary, the meaning of surrender is to give up. This meaning can be misleading.

We all usually go about life trying to control what should or should not happen to us, what we should or should not feel and often extend it to our loved ones – what they should or should not do, experience, feel, etc.

Can we get to a point where we are OK with all there is; giving up our notions, preconceived ideas of how life should be and surrender to what is?

When we surrender to Life, we give up control over what should or should not happen. We become present. Instead of thinking about how to outsmart Life, we can have what we truly want: to be aligned with ALL.

At that moment we make ourselves available both to Self and God.

As we develop the observer status ( we talked about how to reach the observer status last week, please check HERE), we can have a look at our disturbances, discomforts, judgments without acting upon them.
In surrendering we make ourselves available to God who talks to us:

“I praise you, LORD,
for being my guide.
Even in the darkest night,
your teachings fill my mind.
8 I will always look to you,
as you stand beside me
and protect me from fear.”
Palm 16:5-8

Continue reading Surrender

Miss sassy

As I was dusting off those long forgotten parts of me, I discovered my little hidden treasures. I realized that it is not only that I am passionate about drawing and cartoons but I am one of them! I am actually full of cartoon figures!

As I was recalling that sweet, cheeky blond girl of about 3 who drew noses and lips to each armchairs in the house because they looked like unfinished faces to her, I realized that I am that sassy and creative fairy called Tinker Bell. This bold, lively and full of spirit girl is still very much alive in me, except, she is not allowed to play any more.

She was told off and shamed so many times for her silly ideas over the years that one day she decided to move to another place – Neverland, maybe? – and not to be seen any more. Soon, she got forgotten, the creativity dried up, the cheeky new ideas turned into harsh criticism. This sweet, sassy, blond child became an angry and unleashed teenager then a bitter adult.

Her curious energy became a source of destruction and her boldness turned into some scary and vindictive bulldozer.

How could I forget about her?

I am reclaiming her now by asking her forgiveness. I also release all those from my anger spell who a long time ago taught me that acting harum-scarum, giddy, quirky, impulsive, capricious, or bemused was shameful. I forgive myself for having judged and hurt myself for decades because of my ignorance and immaturity. I forgive myself for having believed that who I was/I am is in any way not of God and so imperfect.

I restore Tinker Bell as part of my beautiful Self.

Welcome Home, babe!


tinker-bellPicture source – Disney 


The season of Epiphany – an invitation

Epiphany (Greek: επιφάνεια, “the appearance; miraculous phenomenon”) is a Christian feast intended to celebrate the ‘shining forth’ or revelation of God to mankind in human form, in the person of Jesus. The observance had its origins in the eastern Christian churches, and included the birth of Jesus; the visit of the three Magi, or Wise Men (Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar) who arrived in Bethlehem; and all of Jesus’ childhood events, up to his baptism in the Jordan by John the Baptist. The feast was initially based on, and viewed as a fulfillment of, the Jewish Feast of Lights. This was fixed on January 6.

This is also the day of the year that we celebrate the Incarnation of God into the person of Jesus Christ. We have gone through to get to the light of Epiphany. January 6, the last day of Christmas or the “12th Days of Christmas”

The Season after the Epiphany extends through 28 February 2017, which is the day before Lent begins. The Season of Epiphany begins on the Epiphany, 6 January, and ends on the Sunday before Ash Wednesday. This season varies in length, depending on the date of Easter Day. Its climax of the season is the Transfiguration on the last Sunday after the Epiphany.

Please read the verses below as the beginning and the end of the Season. So, we can walk together with Christ in this season of transformation.

Epiphany – Matthew 3:13-17
“As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of Goddescending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

The Transfiguration – Matthew 17:1-13
“After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus.

“While he was still speaking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!”

Continue reading The season of Epiphany – an invitation

On meditation

“If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37)

With reference to “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” Beas mentions the Nectar and the cup that could hold the Nectar if turned upright. According to the teachings, we can only receive the Nectar or the Living Water –amongst many names – when our cups are turned upright. In order to turn the cup upright we need to withdraw our consciousness to the eye centre during meditation then turn our attention inward and upward. As soon as we do that we find the Grail that has never really been lost and start experiencing the flow of the spring that never dies out pouring into our vessel; and so we never thirst again.

Image result for holy grail



“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”
Corinthians 13: 1-2, 12

LAF workbook exercises

Through meditation, journaling and LAF, you will begin to open to the Loving that is inside of you; the fears and judgments will slip away and you will begin to live, more and more, the Loving that you truly are.

The following is a breakdown of applying LAF:
Diagnosis ~ Protection + Fear = Separation
Prescription ~ Loving + Acceptance + Forgiveness (LAF)
Applying LAF on a daily basis = Spiritual Healing and Freedom!

Journaling can be a great support to you and your focus on Spirit. By writing down your awarenesses and experiences that you receive in meditation, you will be creating an intention and focus for living the Loving in your daily life.

Applying LAF (Loving, Accepting, Forgiving) supports you in bringing your thoughts and feelings, your actions and reactions, into the Loving so that nothing separates you from God. There are many ways to approach LAF.

Source and more info:

In ILM, we focus on one simple meditation, and that meditation has one single purpose: to awaken to the divine that we are by going within to have our own direct personal experience. Meditation is being in communion with God; it is simply loving God … and allowing God to love you.


Mary did you know?


“Mary Did You Know”
(originally by Mark Lowry (lyrics) and Buddy Greene (melody))

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you’re holding is the great “I am”


Walk in or without God

Faith Without Works Is Dead
“What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. 19 You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder! 20 Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless? 21 Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up his son Isaac on the altar?  You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works;  and the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”—and he was called a friend of God. You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone.  And in the same way was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way?  For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.” James 2:14–26

The above is part of a talk that was held on 18 December 2016 @ Brigade of Light Church, Fort Wayne, Indiana – original source

Experiencing God’s Loving

You’ve got to go in and find the Love of your own soul and merge into that Loving of your own soul. Then open and allow God’s Loving in so that you and God experience the union, the Loving once again, the continual movement of Loving, the giving and receiving all the time, as best you can.

Full Excerpt~

One of the major forms of abandonment that we have to deal with is at the spiritual level because a soul who has come into this creation and then begins to experience what this creation has to offer, begins to experience abandonment. This is because one of the major lessons that we come here to learn is about separation; and we are really separated from God down here. We feel separated. We do not feel One. We do not feel His Presence. We feel alone, and lost, and abandoned; and we have to go in and find a way to connect with God even while we’re in this place of separation. We have to go in and forgive God for abandoning us, forgive ourselves for thinking that God has abandoned us, and find a way to connect inside to the knowing that God is right here (at the seat of the soul) with us, even in this place of separation.

Continue reading Experiencing God’s Loving

Letting go and accepting

I have been pushing this for a long time. I have been trying to make FW my home. I have gone extensive length with zero result. ‘It is obvious now that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I pretended you were the one and I will make you perfect for me. So, it did not happen. It could not have.’

I so hoped that I will receive regular guidance but so many weird things happened then I just felt left with some substitute guidance options that were OK but lacked the one element that I find most essential for me, being interactive.

So, I am to let go of my illusions, my dream to belong to an earthly community that embraces me and supports me, that I can embrace and support in the physical. It is just not set up that way.

Oh, I understand that I am to have an inner relationship and inner so-called communion with God that cannot be replaced or substituted by any community or earthly relationships. That was not the plan, anyway.

Continue reading Letting go and accepting

Assignment No.I – Conclusion


On a practical note I wish to mention that reading St. John is inconclusive because the book Light on St. John did not follow all the chapters of the original text from the Bible all the way through. Beas’s notes on Jesus’ teachings stops with Chapter 17. Chapter 18 – 21 is not worked on by Beas, I suspect, because most of these chapters are the chronicles of events of Jesus’ capture and crucifixion.

On a personal note, as I am reading his book, I notice that I am actually reading the teachings a disciple and a minister ‘should’ live by. And as I am reading them I am also integrating them. In some cases, what I was reading made sense of the experiences I was having at the time. In some cases, the text in Bear’s book clarified the meaning of some inner experiences I was having.

It is such a pleasure for me to experience the power of the Teachings and how magically they are offered. They are always somehow organised in a way that the disciple can easily receive the guidance they need at the time in order to advance using the very faculties she/he is blessed with.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Conclusion

Assignment No.I – Chapter 17

Chapter 17

In this Chapter Jesus talks to God asking Him to take care of his disciples after he is gone. He is praying that God would glorify him aka taking him back to Him and glorify his disciples, too.

As Beas explains “only a certain number of souls that are designated to be redeemed by a particular master are allotted to him by the Father. To those he gives eternal life. That eternal life is to know the Father and to merge back in Him through His Son, the living Master, who at that time was Jesus Christ.”

“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.”

”I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 17

Assignment No.I – Chapter 16

Chapter 16

In this chapter Jesus continues on explaining what is happening after his departure with the disciples.

“They shall put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service.
And these things will they do unto you, because they have not known the Father, nor me.”

Regarding the above, Beas reminds us that even though those who follow the Path and the teachings may be prosecuted, “but they can kill the body only; they can never harm our soul. … People do these things in ignorance, because they are misguided.”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 16

Assignment No.I – Chapter 15

Chapter 15

This chapter continues on from the previous chapter. In this chapter Jesus clearly states what the commandment is, what it is that he asks of his disciples. He also clarifies the meaning of discipleship. He also warns the disciples about the threats they may need to face for they are his followers. But he also reminds the disciples that if they follow the Word it will take them home to the Father. Jesus’ message seems very clear in this chapter, he uses much less ‘rhetoric’s’ than in previous chapters. He seems to talk to people who surely understand his message.

“Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 15

One Path

In the light of recent events in the world, I was delighted to read this passage by Beas,
“It is simple logic that if the Lord is one and He is within every on of us and if we have to seek Him within our body, then the path leading to our destination, to our home, cannot be two. It must be one. So it is impossible even to think that there can be one path leading to the Lord’s house for Christians, another for Hindus, another for Sikhs, and still another for Muslims. There may be a difference in our interpretation or in our understanding, but there cannot be two paths leading to His house. If we seek Him within, we all will find the same path, and that is of Sound and Light. But if we search for Him outside, then everybody has his own path, then it is impossible to come together. It is a spiritual basis that we can dome together and be near to each other. … the nearer we are to the Lord, the nearer we are to one another. “
Light on Saint John by Radha Soami Satsang Beas


Assignment No.I – Chapter 14

Chapter 14

In this chapter Jesus affirms his soon departure and reunification with the Father. He is consoling his disciples and reassuring them that they will not be alone after his death, he talks about his successor and the importance of being attached to the Holy Ghost that he calls the Comforter, and that he, himself, will lead his disciples back home to a room of his Father’s house.

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.”

It was interesting for me to read Beas explanation of what Jesus is sharing here with his disciples. I was not aware of these messages before. “There are many spiritual stages on the way, right from the eye centre up to the end of the journey. We have to go through many stages, or “mansions”, and everyone gets a place in them according to his spiritual attainment. How far he (a disciple) can go depends upon his own spiritual progress; … continues to make progress from there onward until he finally merges into the Father.”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 14

Assignment No.I – Chapter 13

Chapter 13

In this chapter Jesus reminds his disciples of the one commandment he has shared with them: to love one another as he loved them. He also shares about his soon departure and his successor who would take care of them. He is talking in particular to those who cannot yet follow him or meet him on the inner planes.

As Beas explains it “washing of the feet is a symbol of humility and meekness.” By washing the feet of each disciple Jesus shows humility and equality. At the same time he asks his disciples to help each other on the path. Beas says that “all the initiates belong equally to the fold of the one good shepherd and should be kind, understanding and helpful to one another in the time of need. … Jesus simply means helping others to stand on their feet, encouraging them by our own example to make the effort, for each one must make his own effort on the path.”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 13

Assignment No.I – Chapter 12

Chapter 12

This chapter talks about Jesus attending the Passover feast. This chapter is also a beautiful collection of Jesus messages about what his mission is by being amongst the Jews; his relationship with the Father; how to attain everlasting life; the fact that he is not here to judge but to be the guiding light; and the fact that he is the Light of the world (the guide) only until he is in the physical, after that he can only guide those who he has initiated in the physical.

“Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.
Then saith one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, which should betray him,
Why was not this ointment sold for three hundred pence, and given to the poor?”
“If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.”

This part very clearly speaks to me of the difference between service given out of pure devotion and service provided as a good deed. I often see in the world that we wish to please God and we try to show our devotion by offering so-called good deeds in the world such as feeding the poor, helping our fellows or similar. These acts often stem from fear (of losing God’s love or else) rather than pure love and true devotion. Mary’s act of kindness towards Jesus – and later Jesus’ response – shows her care towards the one her salvation depends upon. Mary’s act of kindness displayed her endless devotion to her saviour whereas Judas speaks in terms of service in the world which tends to be about ’saving the world and its suffering inhabitants’. However, it is a misconception. The world does not need saving or changing. Every single person lives a life in the World that he/she attracts to him/herself. Whether they do that knowingly or unknowingly depends on their level of self-awareness. We all lead a life that serves our soul the best to find the way home, whether it is apparent to others or not. Therefore, nobody needs to be saved by another. Obviously, it does not mean that we should be ruthless or heartless towards the less fortunate or those in need. However, our primary focus should be on saving ourselves by following divine guidance. Then we can learn to expand our kindness to others, too.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 12

Assignment No.I – Chapter 11

Chapter 11

This chapter is about the resurrection of Lazarus and the decision of the Pharisees that they would capture Jesus and put him to death.

As I was reading this chapter I found it very hard to believe that one was made risen from the dead, particularly after having been dead for four days. However, I was touched to read examples of the power of faith and devotion here.

From a spiritual point of view this is a touching story of undivided faith and receiving God’s mercy or pardon. In my understanding Lazarus upon his resurrection received pardon for his ‘sins’ or karmas. He became free. Jesus, the living teacher of the time, the anchor of the Holy Spirit, asked God to forgive Lazarus’ sins so he can become free and living again. As Jesus says ”Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 11

Assignment No.I – Chapter 10

Chapter 10

This chapter is about how a disciple can recognise the true and ‘good’ Shepherd. It describes the Shepherd’s responsibilities in the disciples’ development on the path.

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber. But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out. And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.”

Here, to my understanding, Jesus describes the only way to enter our inner house, through the third eye, called the door. He says that there is no other way but through the inner ‘door’. According to “Beas “the thieves and robbers are the false prophets and those who mislead people by preaching that salvation can be obtained through dogmas, rituals, and other outward practices.” Jesus also describes the process of entering into the inner realms by knocking on the door where the Master awaits us and leads us upwards.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 10

Assignment No.I – Chapter 9

Chapter 9

This chapter is about Jesus’ encounter with the blind man. The parable in this chapter is about seeing clearly in God and being blind in the world.

“Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. “

Upon reading this sentence, I remembered how often we complain about different circumstances and dispositions in or lives without noticing the relevance of the condition to our development. Jesus says that the man was not blind so to be punished for his sins but so God could manifest miracles through him. His condition is a blessing that God bestowed upon him so he can be of service to His works.

“ As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
“Then they reviled him, and said, Thou art his disciple; but we are Moses’ disciples.
We know that God spake unto Moses: as for this fellow, we know not from whence he is.”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 9