Needs and being in service

This morning I had a thought about needs. I came to the conclusion that I put others’ needs before mines are met because I don’t think that I can meet mine (the reason behind it is different for all of us: feeling undeserving or incapable, etc.). So, by meetings others’ needs and helping them I build up an expectation that my needs should be met by them. The bottom line is that we are actually rather selfish when we meet others’ needs because our motives are not altruistic, we simply want our needs to be met.

These needs are often emotional needs. We need to feel in a certain way and so in response to doing these things for them, we receive e.g. their appreciation, a feeling of being useful, kind or special, also others’ positive feedback on our ‘help’ can make us feel strong, capable, knowledgeable, being in service, etc. And sometimes it is financial.

At the moment, I am taking care of an old lady. Though it looks like service big time, it is just not. Though I am doing my best to meet her needs – that is what I am here for – the reason behind it is simply making money. I often support others by giving them a lot of my time so they can talk about their issues. I often do not do that out of the kindness of my heart. I make myself available to them, so I will have some friends left, so I can feel important, wise, knowledgeable, etc.

Later, I started to think about service, the highest form of support, to my understanding. During my times with Insight and Essence Seminars, I often experienced myself being in service. I believe that being in service (giving unconditionally) is never about needs. Being in service means just being available. When one is truly available it is impossible to experience exhaustion or not having one’s needs met. Being in service encompasses both parties, the giver and the receiver at the same time. During the process of service, the lines get blurred between who is giving and who is receiving. The two becomes one.


I feel depleted, resourceless and empty. I have nothing to offer. I hang on to this extremely unhealthy environment trying to fix it, organize it, hold it together. Helplessly.

I have completely forgotten about myself. I am surrounded with needy people who does not know how to nurture or take care of themselves.

In my dreams at night, I am constantly trying to fix people in some way or another, trying to sort their lives out, so I can finally live mine. Instead, I keep on recreating my unhealthy family with the help of various people I end up living with. I never got married or had a family because I hoped to avoid making the mistakes I grew up with. I started running away from the madness early on but I arrived to more madness and delicacy eventually. I found myself living with drug addicts, a dementia patient, a recovering alcoholic, a manic depressive, a grieving daughter and a dying cat amongst many.

Each situation forced me to adopt the carer and the sane role. I was the one who had to stand two feet on the ground so to manage and stay alive. My needs were never on the table. There was no time, no energy or any interest in them. Neither could I reinforce them since my companions were mostly so troubled that they could hardly recognize their own neediness.

I grew up with a sense of confidence that I can handle it all. And life has thrown many curved balls at me that did prove my case. So, I became strong and emotionless. Practically, an iceberg.

As I am sitting here looking around and I see not change. I am once again the mother of 4 raging children. Each one of them is deeply wounded and in need of a lot of attention and support. I feel for them. Unfortunately, I am in no possession of anything that they need. The only thing I can offer is a loud and angry woman who time to time reprimands them and those who threaten them. Then I crawl back into my shell licking my own unattended wounds.

While I reinsure their confidence and abilities I lose mine. In return they are defiant. They fight for their freedom. I am exhausted and just want to run. Run away. But I only run into another unhealthy ‘family’ structure that will support me to stay a carer, stay unattended, stay angry and eventually want to flee …

I wonder if it makes any difference? I wonder if all my efforts are in vain or maybe used efficiently. Nevertheless, it is a sacrifice on my behalf. My teacher, once, implied that it was time that I took care of myself instead of chaperoning others.

Still, I must recognize that this is my personal story of the unforgiven prodigal son. Others are mere players acting according to their own scripts. I can, in every minute, decide if I continue with the play or say a tearful good-bye and move onto greener pastures.

Being heard and needs met

I am shaking with fear, frustration, anger and a sense of helplessness. How loud will I need to be this time so to be heard? As if I was an invisible water bubble hanging from the ceiling, nobody notices my existence. Nobody cares.

Trouble or inspiration?

I want no trouble. I just want to be heard. I want you to understand that what you are doing is freaking me out and I want you to stop doing it. It is not that I want you to feel reprimanded but I want you to have compassion for me. Please care about me, too!

But you can’t do that, can you?

You have no compassion for yourself. You have never looked at yourself as a human being either, how could you look at me and see me in my bare humanity.

I scream with terror. You are upset in your desperation. You never ask for but take what you need; and I try to stop you when you are ripping me off of my basics. You believe you have the right to steal because you have been robbed, you are only taking revenge. But you are mistaken. You have only yourself to cheat.

In the meantime, I remember a childhood that left me with scars of distrust and a strong sense of conviction that “nobody cares, so I’d better care for myself”. I put on my boxing gloves and start fighting my shadows.

She is only trouble. She fights all the time!

The inspiration that could grow out of the broken roots requires much more light to heal and develop.

I am still a troubled anger-ball hiding in my cocoon and waiting for my metamorphosis to start.

Love Is a Fire, Vol.2

Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home

My intention with reading this book is to gain a deeper understanding of the Sufi tradition, its teachings, some of the Sufi Mystics, and practices in order to support my own development in immersing myself into God.

I found that not only the book allows me to study Sufism but it also support me in various personal discoveries so, I created various writings along the reading process.

These are rather self-reflection type of writings. I, nevertheless, included them in my study works because they reflect stages of my development as I am taking the ministerial study course.

July 7, 2016


I am reading Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee. So, Love is supposed to be a fiery love affair.

Well, I don’t believe in “the artful postures of Love”. I do not see or experience anything around me that I would consider Love or Loving. I see people pose in the “artful postures of Love” as they act charitable and supportive towards others, as they devote themselves to a God or a Deity or as they hold onto the hands of their partners with starts in their eyes. None of it has anything to do with Love.

Continue reading Love Is a Fire, Vol.2

Awakening Is a Destructive Process by Greg Calise

Make no bones about it, awakening is not a walk in the park. It is a ride through hell. It is the tearing down of all of your cherished beliefs and everything you thought about yourself. There is no way around this. In The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, they had to enter into the Mirkwood Forest to get to their destination. There was no other way for them. It was not a walk in the park. Likewise, we must enter the shadowlands, and come face to face with our shadows. It is there that our false ideas of who we are are shattered. It is there that all of our false beliefs are destroyed. We must face these false notions and see them for what they are. This is the only way to heal, to become whole again, to live in integrity.

Full article by Greg Calise at Riverbank of Truth


“As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.”
– Eckhart Tolle

You must die to live – an article


Awakening is not a walk in the park. It is a ride through hell. It is the tearing down of all of your cherished beliefs and everything you thought about yourself. There is no way around this. We must come face to face with our shadows. It is there that our false ideas of who we are are shattered. It is there that all of our false beliefs are destroyed. We must face these false notions and see them for what they are. This is the only way to heal, to become whole again, to live in integrity.

It is a complete surrender, a process of brutal self honesty. It is a path of complete acceptance of the truth, no matter how difficult it is to bear. We go through life with so many false notions – of the world, of spirituality and of ourselves. We build up masks and we believe the facades. It’s all a charade. It is all based upon illusions and deceit. We deceive ourselves at every moment, and the world also deceives us at every moment.

To awaken to the truth that you seek, you must tear down the lies. But we are too attached to the lies. We want to hold on to the illusions and to become enlightened at the same time. That is not possible.

It takes a certain individual to break free of the herd. The Siddhartha road is not easy. It is a treacherous road that will shatter every part of your existence. No, it takes a certain type of person to walk that road; a person that is willing to give up everything to find his true Self.

As Eckhart Tolle has stated, you don’t have to wait for the dark night of the soul to dismantle your false notions, your false self, your life story. You can consciously take that road. But it demands courage, discernment, and a brutal honesty of yourself. The mind is a very tricky opponent, and will deceive you at every step, as your awakening is the end of its control over you. But it can be done. Nisargadatta Maharaj did it. You must simply allow Grace to act within you.


It is a road of destruction and the question is, “How much are you willing to give up? How much can you endure?” Because on this road, you must give up everything. Every piece of you will shatter. Can you endure that? As the great Bhaktivinode Thakur has written, “You must die to live.” So how serious are you? How much do you want it? How much will you pay for it?

source + photo

Full article by Greg Calise here at Riverbank of Truth


“Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.”
― Adyashanti


Assignment No.I – Chapter 8

Chapter 8

This chapter is about Jesus’s argument with the Jews. All through this chapter Jesus tries to convince the Jews that he is of Abraham and the other prophets but they don’t seem to understand him.

As I was reading this chapter, I wondered why he entered into an argument with the Jews at all whom, obviously, had no idea who he was and what he represented. He keeps on repeating why he is here amongst them and talking about his relationship with the Father. However, many of the Jews do not seem to understand him.

At the same time, this Chapter provided me with further information on Jesus’s character, convictions, and the way he communicated them. Though, he mostly uses parables to make his followers understand his message when it comesto talking about himself (his mission) and his relationship with the father, he is very matter of fact and uses similar expressions to describe it.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 8

Love Is a Fire, Vol.1

Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home

My intention with reading this book is to gain a deeper understanding of the Sufi tradition, its teachings, some of the Sufi Mystics, and practices in order to support my own development in immersing myself into God.

I found that not only the book allows me to study Sufism but it also support me in various personal discoveries so, I created various writings along the reading process.

These are rather self-reflection type of writings. I, nevertheless, included them in my study works because they reflect stages of my development as I am taking the ministerial study course.

24-30 June, 2016

The weirdo

“Often on the path we feel the pain of this ‘aloneness’. Even in the company of fellow wayfarers we experience a quality of solitariness that is deeper than loneliness because it does not belong to the personality or the ego. As we travel a path that takes us away from the comfort of the collective and its patterns of codependency, we feel the ‘aloneness’ of the soul. …
…. We are an outcast from the collective patterns that offer a sense of security and belonging to so many.
… The poet E. E. Cummings describes the strange wonder of this transition, and how we find a deeper connection to a love that is beyond ourself and yet is our own essence:
losing through you what seemed myself, I find
selves unimaginably mine; beyond
sorrow’s own joys and hoping’s very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit’s born:
yours is the darkness of my soul’s return
—you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”

Continue reading Love Is a Fire, Vol.1

Common Sense

Joe Miller said that there are four qualities necessary for spiritual life. The first is common sense, the second is common sense, the third is sense of humor. When he was asked what is the fourth quality, he replied laughing, “Even more common sense!”

Love is a fire/Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee (extract)

21 06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

As I was walking home from walking 🙂 and was watching the waves licking the stone shore soft, I realized that though I am at the wrong place again with some unknown reason, I am still at the best possible place I could be.

This place makes me want to do better, mostly look better. I do not know if it only because it is always summer here and you must dress down quite a bit so not to sweat like a pig all the time, or it is only because the sun shines so brightly all day long that it blinds my negative self-image. I look into the mirror and I am mortified. How is it possible? How could I let it happen? What has happened to me? Have I gone mad? I have always been the clever one not the pretty one, but this kind of ‘unprettiness’ is unnerving!

I basically feel like a boar without the hair bits.

So, when the sun shines, I suddenly feel inclined to do something about my ‘boarness’ hoping that I can (eventually) start looking like me again.

I often wonder why I need this beastly outlook, who I want to scare really, because I am pretty sure I am scaring no one but myself here.

So, the place. The place is sunny and hot. The place is dirty, smelly and rather rundown.  People in place are rather OK. Even though most people are here to make money so to pay the mortgage back home, or it is a greedy native, still, interestingly, everybody gets along pretty well. No nastiness, almost, at all.

Maybe it is because of the heat. Nobody has the extra energy to fight or to argue. They swish their hands in disagreement and walk away. Otherwise, everybody is constantly in search for some shade! 🙂

A helpless creature

A helpless creature at the mercy of the universe. That is the result of a decade of contemplation. Fabulous! Apparently the journey is about self-discovery – with a slight twist, obviously. Self-discovery actually means that you eventually meet a monster inside of yourself, some so-called shadow figure who turns out to be the creator of all your misery.

Interestingly this inner monster can take up various personalities partly because it wants to trick you into believing in something ‘else’ about yourself, partly because it does not actually want to be found out. This monster-creature-child is the result of our childhood sufferings and confusion, all that we were forced to face but could never manage or overcome.

This creature is always accompanied with a counterpart. This figure, a persona, is the defender of the monster-child who is often badly damaged, too.

Not showing signs of mental illness or psychological disturbances do not mean that one lacks these shadow figures.

In my case, the defender has always been very visible and audible. My personal defender is a giant lion with a deadly roar. You always know that I am defending myself because I am very angry and you feel threatened or simply uncomfortable in my presence. Though I am not actually angry with you I send such tremors into my environment that they make the air freeze momentarily.

When I am angry I feel under siege in some way and I feel too small to cope. I feel helpless in the face of some abusive force.

It is easy to guess, now, that my monster child is a helpless creature, a victim girl. I learnt early on that I have no say in my life. As a response I created a defender in the form of an anger ball who apart from protecting me creates situations where she proves her overpowering competence in basically everything.

We all have a means of transport, a vehicle that carries or a channel that provides outlet for our ego structure.

I show my competency in the matters of the creative mind. I consider most human beings stupid compared to my own abilities.

The sad thing is that this kind of superiority is purely self-fulfilling. It bears no fruit. I may be considered intelligent and exceptionally creative by some and have done some great deeds but I have never found true satisfaction in any of my endeavours. I have not found my niche that would love me back and would provide me with gratification and abundance.

No wonder. The ego trip only allows enough space for proving itself with momentary satisfaction then it must move onto the next endeavour without delay.

My defender endlessly demonstrates her superiority and feels utterly frustrated all the time with the ignorance and lazy helplessness of the world. She can’t rest and can only feel safe as long as there is an unbeatable mountain ahead where she can affirm her exceptional abilities in creative problem solving.

We are basically the monster of the sum of our fears.


Fear and helplessness

Fear has a strange effect on people.

As we all very well know, fear stems from our sense of separation, a sense of loneliness, desertedness or godlessness. We feel utterly vulnerably in an unpredictable and cruel world that only there to destroy us. Nobody is without fear, we just name our fears differently and manage them individually.

There are so many various ways that I won’t even attempt to name them. When we become aware of ourselves beyond our daily thoughts, feeling and our bodies and start seeing a fragment of the greater picture, we can start pinpointing the structure in which our ‘fear management’ spreads out.

In my family ‘fear management’ ran under two exciting disguises: ‘lunacy’ and ‘addiction’. Becoming senseless caused by mental disturbance or substance abuse or both, allowed us to take ourselves completely out of the present moment that obviously looked unmanageable.

We all have an individualized version of lunacy and substance abuse. My father is an alcoholic, my brother is a game addict. My mother seems the most ‘healthy’ of us all by slowly developing dimension.

I have become a control freak, addicted to dangerous and hardly survivable situations that can only be solved by a high level of intelligence and adaptiveness that I strive on. I cannot stand still. I am incapable of the lowest level of commitment that hints an element of control that maybe imposed on me.

Controlled by love. That is how I have felt all my life. It was always implied that all terror I had to suffer was for my own betterment and came from a sense of love for me.

I grew up with immense amount of abuse in the form of having my power taken away. I was in some kind of detention all the time without a capable parent sticking up for me. Life demonstrated day after day how helpless I actually was and I had no say in it at all.

As a teen, I connately contemplated suicide so to regain at least some control over my life. That was the worst of times because by then I had become a solid rock, unbeatable, uncontrollable; an anger ball.

So, in my competent lunacy, the key behaviour is that of my mother’s. When I was younger, I wholly believed that my father’s alcoholism and emotional brutality was the key to my and my sibling’s developmental defects. However, recently, I have realized that in my case – and probable that of my brother’s – my mum is the ‘bad apple’. All her life she has displayed a strong sense of helplessness and victimhood. Apparently, she has lived a life of a victim suffering our father’s mental instability and substance abuse.

And so, now I see how much I perceive my life as a series of odd occurrences that require me to constantly fight for my very existence and at the same time helplessly flounder in it.

Though I have displayed powerfulness and competence all my adult life, deep inside of me, I have never thought much of myself. I learnt early on, that I have no say in things that matter in my life so I have spent most of my life proving to be powerful and capable, not noticing that, all along, the story was a product of my imagination.

In my loony story, the little fearful girl needing to be cared for inside of me made me force myself appearing all powerful and intimidating.

royalty free picture source


The helpless competent

It is a rather sad existence when you lose your illusions of who you think you are. Particularly when you think that you are some hot-shot almighty.

A Self running on the fuel of a sense of helplessness and defencelessness crave nothing but daily proof that validates its inherent and exceptional ability to control fate and manage life.

The sad part is that none of it is actually true. When you display too much of something you know that it cannot stem from the True (inner) Self because the True self is quiet, like a smooth criminal swishes undetectably amongst the matters of life.

I always thought that I was one of the most capable and principled persons ever lived, like William Wallace, endurable by fate.

Like most 8s (Enneagram) I grew up with a sense of loss. A loss of childhood and innocence. Since there was not a caretaker around as I was growing up, I became my own person at a tender age of 7.

All my life, I have focused on one thing, to show the world that I can survive the worst, I can stand up for myself, again and again, that nobody can touch me or control me, I would shake of any attempt of taming.

What I did not understand, however, how it looked like or felt not to be controlled and what it was exactly that I have tried to defend myself against.

Through meditation and self-discovery I started to see myself more and more clearly. Instead of seeing this all around capable, hard-arse woman, I started to see this little girl constantly needing to prove herself to be capable of handling any old odds.

The very reason why I detest Hungary and the majority of Hungarian people is because of this suffocating feeling that we allow control outside of ourselves to overtake our life, we willingly give up any responsibility or the choice over our very existence and play the victim. Interestingly, it is a very Hungarian personality trait. You can find a segment of this trait in every Hungarian person. When you talk to one of ‘us’, you will soon hear stories about our defiance and how we have resisted foreign invasion and we fought the Tatars, the Turks, the Hapsburgs and eventually regained our liberty.

However, the fight has never stopped inside of us. Now Hungary is part of the European Union and we rebel against the EU as if it was some kind of an occupier, not noticing that we are only chasing our own tail. There is nobody to resist any more. Being a member state of the EU, we have a clear vote, we could now truly manage our destiny, if we could only realize that there is no more war to fight.

And this is my story. I keep on fighting wars that have been won already. I could as well be free.

Still, I only know of a hard life. I simply don’t understand the concept of relaxation or loosening up. In my world, I must always be at the top of my game and alert so to survive.

Only because I grow up without a sense of control over my own life, I devoted my whole life to one cause: to prove the world how immense and unquestionably capable I am in the face of arduous circumstances. And so I provided security to myself against intrusion and aggression.

At the same time, I have always been envious of those who could relax into the flow of life or someone else’s arms without the fear of being abused or taken advantage of. I am aware that what I hold true to myself is only mine, nobody has put it there for me. I am unlucky enough to have a whole nation sharing my sense of helplessness and display it vehemently.

So, here are I am, a servant of God, not believing in His Grace or kindness of any kind. I have been running around in circles within my own belief system, trying to flee and stop creating constant hardship and unbeatable situations for myself that actually bear no fruit.

I suffer it all, day after day, without a single result, without a single sense of satisfaction or joy.

You understand, don’t you? I must prove daily that I am capable, I am competet, I can deal with this, I can survive this, I can manage this without a glitch … I can …

Vector of a White Man in a Boat on a Sandy Hill, Left High and Dry

royalty free picture source


I am reading Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee.  So, Love is supposed to be a fiery love affair.

Well, I don’t believe in “the artful postures of Love”.  I do not see or experience anything around me that I would consider Love or Loving. I see people pose in the “artful postures of Love” as they act charitable and supportive towards others, as they devote themselves to a God or a Deity or as they hold onto the hands of their partners with starts in their eyes. None of it has anything to do with Love.

I feel as if “Oh, I am fortune’s fool!” because I have tricked myself into seeking something I do not comprehend. This morning in my medi I shared that by now I have become convinced that this Path is not created for the likes of me. This path is for the blinded lovers, for those who can fathom the invisible and fill in the missing bits.

I cannot do that, I am way too matter of fact for that.  In my opinion, Love is but a curse. Under the disguise of Love, we desperately seek out someone or something who meets our needs, who keeps us safe, and ensures us that we are not ultimately desolate and bereft in this dark world.

Most of us desperately seeks a special someone, Price Charming or Cinderella, who will lift us out of our self-loathing abyss and will provide us with the Love that “overthrows empires and captures the hearts”. Suddenly, we do not feel gloomy and lonely anymore. In return for our unexpected fortune, however, we become selfless puppets serving the needs of the other. It is a deal and we must meet both ends of the bargain.

The misfortunate ones, who do not find the right chappie, will find a substitute and simply invent one in our imagination. For most devoted to a faith God is the all-encompassing Lover or Care-giver who patiently listens to our daily begging. And we, in exchange, faithfully believe that in some way or another our prayers are heard and we are delivered. When we are not actually given what we have particularly asked for we use our boundless imagination to fill in the gaps and explain our misfortunes still keeping God and his almightiness intact.

When I look at Love I see desperation. We desperately seek a way to feel worthy; when someone loves me, I must be worthy and loveable; when  God loves me, I must be worthy and loveable. Neither is correct, however, because both are only fictions of our imagination.

For me, Worthiness is the key to the Love described by Shakespeare so beautifully. It is the ultimate secret Grail that opens us to the chambers of treasures. The Love that we all so desperately seek is self-respect, deep care and embrace for the whole-Self at every single moment without fail. Worthiness is not the target but the bow that pierces through the veil of shadows. This is what Worthiness feels, sounds and looks like:

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.”

All quotes are from Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare and from Shakespeare in Love.

333 (+2) Self-embrace

Photo – Flick – 333 (+2) Self-embrace by century_boy_too

5.06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

Law of attraction – What I hate I attract. Here we go again!

This morning I was talking about the law of attraction or Murphy’s Law, we attract what we focus on the most. As evidence shows, I must focus most on everything I detest because I hardly have anything else in my life.

I feel unsafe with these people and despise them. Is that why I must live with them?

The funny thing is that, I am studying to be a minister, at least, I hope I still am. Ministers don’t seem to judge the herd, they are sympathetic, kind, embracing and forgiving to others.  I am neither. They provide guidance. I can hardly find my own way, not mentioning leading others.


So, like all of us in chains, I keep on recreating this ‘whatever it may be’ for myself. Let’s see how it works. I feel fed up and frustrated. I get restless. I want to move but I don’t want to do it alone so I drag someone along with whom I wish to co-support each other. However, with some strange reason, I always choose people to support me in return for my kind deeds for the – that they have never actually asked for – who can hardly support themselves, so I end up getting exhausted, frustrated and manic. They end up being upset with me and eventually run away.  This is one of the scenarios.

According to another scenario, I go alone but then I end up staying with someone, who is very needy in some way or another and so I end up either hiding from them or trying to fix them so I am safe.

It seems I always think I am in debt of some kind towards humanity as a whole and in order to get any support, guidance, love, etc. I constantly feel that I must offer them something.


I keep on wandering what this experience is reflecting back at me.

Facts: I am having a very hard time physically. It is extremely uncomfortable on many different levels. It is dirty and very noisy. People around me have very low self-esteem and high self-hatred therefore they self- abuse with various drugs especially cigarette that I am constantly exposed to. The environment is very different from what I consider nice. This place seems like a giant village with endless dirt roads, no public transport – what they have is a complete mess -, and a construction site with constant pneumatic drilling.

Facts: Psychologically it is also challenging because it is very chaotic and nothing is ever what it seems. There needs to be a lot of second guessing so to figure out what could be going on under the surface. This place is about money, and money only. It is cheap for those who want a holiday on the beach with tons of booze. And it can provide you with a stable income for a season if you are willing to put the work in.  Those who own the place are billionaires who cannot care less.

The boys have rather racist ideas about certain type of people and they are convinced that some of these people should be eradicated.

Facts: There are breath-taking beaches and giant villages with history and architecture. There are huge amount of people passing through this place year by year coming either as tourist, student, investors, seasonal workers, in-settlers, or a mixture of some of these.

So, which fact is going to win inside me???

CCF06052011_00040Photo copyright at Spirit’n Art

3.06 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

I have realized that in some way I am at fault. I am creating this mess around me. Not sure how though.

I keep on trying to create a so-called inter-supportive relationships where both our strength are maximized by combined efforts. However, it seems that my efforts seems like bugging the other person. Then, I also realize that the other person also bothers me because our relationship is not balanced. Eventually, instead of supporting and inter-caring for each other, we drive each other crazy. I somehow fantasize about some kind of maximized efforts that would eventually lead to success but I constantly find myself surrounded with people who cannot really support me because they can hardly support themselves.

At the moment I am living with two guys. One is a right wing racist and a woman-hater, the other is a young, self-centered stud who has never had to take responsibility for anything.

I am realizing, once again, what a horrible person I must be, just like my family suggests, a person who is incapable and unwilling to compromise and put up with others’ flaws and someone who’s uprightness, inflexibility and constant criticism drives others away.

Fabulous prospects.

Assignment No.I – Chapter 7

Chapter 7

This Chapter is about Jesus’s visit and preaching at the Feast of the Tabernacles in Galilee. Here he explains the difference between a true teacher, a God-sent mystic and a self-made one who only seeks his own glory. We learn that the true teacher is ‘stamped and sealed’ by God.

This Chapter for me is about Jesus’s struggle making himself know in a way that he is not captured and killed in the meantime. As I was reading this chapter, I felt as if he was manically going from one place to another defying death n order to seek out the marked ones among the rotten apples. He is preaching here and there in the face of ridicule and doubtfulness, but he keeps on teaching and searching.

With reference of the above Beas says: ”the Lord’s grace is always there, ready for us; we only to become receptive to it.” This sentence says so much because it feels to me that Jesus struggles amongst the ignorant because they do not know that he is carrying God’s Grace in himself ready to be received. “Now it is time for us to take advantage of the opportunity of receiving the grace of the Lord through the Word, …”

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 7

Assignment No.I – Chapter 6

Chapter 6

This chapter explains the meaning of a teacher – who can be a teacher at a point in time – discusses discipleship, and offers thoughts on the deeper meaning of the teachings.

At the beginning of the chapter Jesus miraculously feeds about a 5000 people with bread and fish. Then he walks on water. As I was reading the passages I wondered what deeper meaning the miracles Jesus performed may bear. According to Beas Jesus did perform miracles but it was not the purpose of his coming into this world . When Jesus says “…, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled” , I presume what he is saying that when he earlier fed them with ‘bread and fish’ aka his teaching they felt filled with Love and experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit and so, now, they seek him and return for more.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 6

29.05. “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”


I am feeling rather worried. I tried but could hardly medi this morning. I was looking forward to our LAFing but nobody was available this morning to listen to my whining. Must be a sign … what do all the signs try and tell me? This morning I had this thought that I would never make it. I would never be free from it all, this gypsy madhouse that I lived my whole life in. I have been living the exact same way for decades. Even as a child I lived like a gypsy wondering amongst various apartments and household of family members and neighbours. I stayed with my grandma most of the time, but spend months with my aunt and cousin by the lake during summers, or was left with my aunt-once-removed for the weekend. None of them were really nourishing experiences. I do not remember nice experiences at all from my childhood after my grandfather’s death. I only remember discomfort and constant angst because of the mental and psychological instability that surrounded me.

So, I leant to protect myself from the madness by hiding all that is valuable about me from general public and share it only with a special few whom I learnt to trust. However, the receiving and the bestowing of my trust is rare and often takes a long time.


This morning I found a dream in my sleep. I was lying in bed with a man who very much resembled Alan Rickman. We were lying back to back to each other. Then I reached out and felt his muscular thighs. He turned to me, we smiled at each other and started making love. I noticed another female body next to us, she was asleep not noticing our encounter. Suddenly, I shifted in a way that seemed to have hurt him rather badly, he quickly withdrew from me hissing with pain. I said I was sorry and tried to comfort him, but he just made a face and said he was tired and went to sleep. A bit later I learned that he had been dying from cancer, hence the tiredness and impatience. By this time, though, he was already dead.


I am worried. It is like being in the Star War movie once again. Which of the two evil shall I choose? Should I stay or should I go? What are the advantages and disadvantages of each evil? None of them would be my preferred choice, but I have learned by now that Life does not care much about preferences. Life offers choices and you must choose one of the two or the many. There is no such state of non-choice. When you try and slip away without picking one, someone comes and makes the choices for you.I am not sure that it is any better. When I make mistakes, I prefer making them myself.


26.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

A Letter

Over all, it feels as if I am in some kind of a waiting again. I am rather relaxed about it all. I am not anxious, I simply don’t care much what happens. It is very uncomfortable but I strongly feel that I have nothing to do here but to support Dori to start regaining her strength, confidence and faith in herself, and standing on her feet. I miss the US, my friends, my life, my studies there but obviously I am not capable of creating a life over there with the that things that are meaningful to me.

In some way it is very sad for me to see, that I still cannot do anything for myself, so to lift myself out of these miserable patters I still run. I somehow cannot let go of something – honestly, I do not know what it is – I still find it challenging to do anything ‘only’ for myself, selfishly. Even though I am very aware what I am doing, and I have no one to blame for my life choices, it does not feel very nice to know that I am incapable of doing nice things for myself and create situations that are gentle and loving with me.

After all, I am kind of OK here in this situation; I have gained great insights into how I allow and attack abuse and mental instability into my life. So much fun! I realized that I am better at leaving these situations than before. It is nice to know that I recognize these situations quicker, however, I am also very aware how strongly I believe that my life should be of sacrifice and selflessness. I also realized that I don’t do any of this out of true service or loving giving because I want something very particular in return: being appreciated and rewarded with some comfort in return for my contributions, particularly for my intelligence and insights (not as if many people cares about them).

It is kind of ridiculous that I chose the worse surfaces for such conquests! I choose the neediest and most abusive people to demonstrate how tough I am and how much burden I can bear. It feels as if I am still punishing myself for something I don’t comprehend much of.

Luckily, I am not angry any more, sometimes, I am rather sad o see myself this way. Since we arrived to the island I have been very patient, sort of relaxed, rather kind and accepting. I am not too communicative or engaging but I never am, when I am with people whom I don’t understand. I notice when I am annoyed. I write about everything I experience so to be able to digest my experiences. It feels as if was in some kind of a daze, as if all these things weren’t actually happening to me at all; I was just following some ‘vision’ or something (can’t find a better word). I don’t push anything, I communicate when something does not work for me and see what happens. I know I can take myself out of this experience anytime I want to. I am also aware that I don’t want to leave Dori alone, not yet. It may not be healthy but this is the best I can do for the moment.

And, hey, maybe I am wrong about it all …

24.05 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”


I am amazed to see how well I surround myself with abuse. Probably, the saddest thing is that it is set up in an invisible pattern of events, stimuli and responses. Nobody notices. Some completely ignore it, not even noticing the undercurrent of triggers.

I have checked but there is no way out of the deeply set patterns of button pushing. Probably the hardest things is to see what’s really happening beyond the surface and not being able to make a difference. The programming runs itself without much interference and no participants are aware of the puppet show that is triggered the deep seated strings being pulled.

I tried to stand still and breathe without doing anything. It makes no difference in the outcome because the physical action or the verbal response is only the tip of the iceberg. All real ‘action’ takes places deep inside our psyche, on a vibrational level. I may not do or say anything but my consciousness vibrates millions of messages to my environment.

No, it is not my responsibility to chance others’ responses to my vibrational state. However, it is my responsibility to try and clean my inner state to that degree where I am free from others’ pain and anguish. Cleaning is but letting go of who I am not any more.

Well, who am I not, then?

pic source

22.5 “I can’t tell anyone, hence I tell everyone”

This morning

This morning during my meditation I felt a strong need for closeness, being held and embraced in kind arms. I just wanted to experience some safety in the mist of this confusion and aimlessness I am going through. Most people seemingly has the option to journey within and gain innumerable visual and audial experiences without moving an inch in the physical. Whereas, I seem to need to journey through my misery and anguish along with my body’s experiences.

This morning, I felt so dismal and exhausted that I decided to leave this experience. Part of me is completely confused: Why am I doing this? I have done this so many times. And I know how it ends:  I will end up back where I started again burned and humiliated after having walked a road that is paved only with anxiety, loss and abuse.

As I was emerging from my meditation, I started reviewing the past 46 years and I notice the elements of terror and abuse as a reoccurring theme. I wonder why I attract so many harsh experiences and why I still believe that I am the bad guy who must take all kinds of nonsense in order to be redeemed.

This morning, as leafed through the years, I also noticed that those who meant to love me and cared for me abused me the most, simply out of the kindness of their hearts! It is not their fault, though. It is nobody’s fault. It is life without Life. Fear in us makes us do horrible things to each other. All the people who I have so far stood by and made considerable sacrifices for did not see any value in me. Neither do I. They only saw me as a difficult but necessary drag that they sort of felt safe with. That is all I am, a problem-solving-safety-net. I am like Shrek, the scary kind hearted Ogre who is only required when times are rough and protection is a must.

This morning, it seemed, I had provided a sense of safety to others so they could heal and move on in their lives. Although, I am basically unsuited for the job since I cannot provide the very basic sense of safety for myself. It feels like payback time, as if I was to support all these souls though I am not sure it is my job, I just took it on because of some unapparent misunderstanding. With that and as a result of feeling an unworthy, scary ogre, I have allowed myself to be terrorised and punished for four decades now while I expected to feel safe in the arms of my abusers. It is kind of mad!

So, after all, I am the creator of my miserable life.

This morning, I decided to run, to go away, to turn back. I don’t think I am capable of another round of this. I have moved countries for approximately ten times so far and I have moved houses over twenty times. I am just a homeless beggar, pleading for mercy, a sense of safety and liberation from my burden of being useful.

This morning, I looked around to see who I find in my life. I found a confused young woman without much hold of herself and two dead people: both fixed on their invisible board game of protection and abuse. I saw some others souls being oblivious of Life all together. I got really scared how lonely I suddenly felt. There was once again nobody there but me … and maybe God, I just did not see Him, there.


My reflection

Here we go again. Journeying on, on Hell’s roller coaster. Here comes again, another round of disaster for the sake of salvation.

Though we have moved countries and over 2000 kilometres, we haven’t moved and inch. Here I am surrounded with my own personal demons; with an overwhelmed adult and a needy, anxious little girl inside.

If I could just trust that every day of my life serves nothing but one single purpose: my liberation; if I could just trust that everything that happens is just a pool of experiences that means nothing in the ocean of my vast existence; if I were less stressed and could hear God’s soothing voice; I would probably feel better.

But, I have not moved an inch. I am once again anxious for my survival amongst the needy, the mentally instable and the psychologically retarded. I am on high alert so to be able to protect myself against their wobbly nature, moodiness and unreliability. Here I am again, alone and self-depriving without a cause.

I am the latest project of some self-serving megalomania and neediness, of a couple who needs so, so much from others that they suffocate them with their kindness and hospitality.

I suddenly found myself on a seemingly different land of the kind-hearted backward people who want nothing to be changed and if it must be, it should happen really slowly and unnoticeable.

But it is no different from what I already know.

I am at home in Hell’s kitchen.

I look at myself in the mirror and wish to see different. Not only the vision that is reflected back at me frightens me but also what appears behind it; the mirage of an oasis.

Can it be true? Could I be so lucky? Is there a ‘more’ beyond the ‘solid’?

I look around and I see no life. Aimless, dead (hu)-mans waste their precious time in meaningless activates. And all these activates are run by a fear or a need that they are completely unaware of.


Assignment No.I – Chapter 5

Chapter 5

This chapter is about initiation. In this chapter Jesus explains clearly the basics of the path: his role, his relationship with the Father, what it means to be initiated and what the path actually involves in simple terms.

“Rise, take up thy bed and walk” “Afterwards Jesus findeth him in the temple, and said upon him. Behold, though are made whole: sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee.”

As Beas explains it “Upon initiation we become whole again, we are made to remember that we are of Spirit, we are reminded of our wholesomeness in God. … ‘Becoming whole’ is the same as ‘knowing thyself’, because the real self is Soul.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 5

Assignment No.I – Chapter 4

Chapter 4

This chapter is about the importance of the initiation and meditation practice.

The beginning of this Chapter follows upon the discussion of our inherent longing for God started at the previous Chapter. As far as I understand longing is the notion that ensures that our Soul looks for and eventually finds the way Home to God. Longing is God’s calling us Home. Thirst maybe understood in the text as longing for water (the Names) that Jesus offers to the Samaritan woman which is the ‘key’ to the way Home.

Here, the other great element of our journey appears, fear. If we see God as the source of Loving, then in that sense Fear is Kal or the Devil/Satan. Fear ensures that we stay trapped in the cycle of life and death. Fear is our constant companion. There is none without fear. We all fear something and that fear defines our relationship with God. Very often walking the path means facing our fears and letting go of our misconceptions sustaining that fear.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 4

Diary of MS, Vol.2

Thoughts on discipleship, service and ministerial studies @ the BoL

3/6/2016, I decided to create a diary for my journey of the ministerial studies. I suppose this can be part of my assignments because these posts are accounts of my personal experiences of various study related material and encounters.

Budapest, 8 05 2016

Blind Faith

Regarding my studies towards becoming a minister I have recently realized a few issues that has an effect of my becoming a minister. These issues I find rather challenging to embrace.

First one, is often referred to as ’all is well’ or some say ’it is God’s will’ others express it as total acceptance of what is. I call it blind faith.

I grew up without much influence of the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, I have a bigot Catholic aunt who wanted to contribute to our religious education. Her faith, however, completely based on petrifying fear that lead her believing in demons and the devil so she taught us about how to fear God and avoid the devil, how to be good so to please God. There was no mention of a loving and caring God but a fearful one with vengeance.
I do not know what blind faith is, I am always doubtful. Therefore, I simply cannot embrace the idea that all is always well and it is always OK just as it is. Though I do not question ‘Fate’ as I call it, I do have issues embracing challenging times, not mentioning emphasizing the opposite by saying ‘it is all OK’.

It is a bit difficult to write about this ‘issue’ because the question is not about accepting what is but communicating what is truly happening for me.

To my understanding, as long as one believes that everything is just fine the way it is, it reflects an attitude that somehow eludes the notion of moving forward. One may move forward in life without any notion of striving, however, s/he is definitely not aware of it. The way I understand our relationship with God is that of awareness and conscious ‘efforts’. In general, I do not believe that for a human being it comes naturally to become spiritual. It takes efforts, quite some efforts indeed, to follow and stay with spiritual principles that serve us in the long run.

I suspect, that when one believes that all is OK, one presumes that there is nothing particularly needs to be ‘done’ to generate ‘change’. By change I mean deepening our connection with God. I understand that this connection is not a mental understanding, however, in my experience, it is a letting go of what blocks our deepening relationship with God that often surface as some kind of awareness in our consciousness.

To me, one must face wholeheartedly life’s curve balls, preferably, without much resistance, which could be called acceptance. However, the ‘all is well’ or ‘it is God’s will’ attitudes I consider blind faith without much depth beyond a mental conception of what God is or what our relationship with Him should look or feel like.

I think it is just human to feel that occasionally ‘all is just not so well, actually’. As one is going through a rough patch at any time in life, it feels anything but OK. Naturally, it does not mean, that I fight it, but it definitely reminds me that something should be ‘done’. When it is hard, I always feel that there is something I either avoid dealing with or I need to become aware of. I find it unnatural to slip into a numb sense of ‘all is OK’, when actually it does not feel so OK at all.

Therefore, I wonder, how I can wholeheartedly represent God’s best intention for us and His will being loving while I, myself, am so not OK with what is going on at a time.

God’s Love for us

My other issue is related to God, himself. I don’t seem to be able to grasp God’s Love for us. I keep on having the feeling that God is ‘just’ a place a fuzzy feeling of Home but I doubt that God is a caring entity, wishing us happiness.

As I look around I see so much suffering and need that I can hardly imagine that there is a God at all, not mentioning the idea that this ‘world’ we live in is actually part of His creation.

There was this boy, who is a toothless drunken old man now, who I though once was an angel. He was the sweetest, kindest, purest person I ever met. I felt nothing but immense amount of love each time I met him. He looked like the little angel boys on the altar painting. He had the blond locks of hair, piercing blue eyes, a sweet smile and gentle appearance. And he was like this until about the age of 12/13. He never turned bad, I don’t think he could, even if he wanted to. He just looks like someone who cannot deal with more pain, someone who does not want to remember anything anymore. He now lives in a constant alcohol infused oblivion. He is kind of lucky because his sister takes care of him so he won’t turn homeless and he could get up and go to work.

When I look at him I often wonder how God could let him slip away like that. I understand that our karmas take us to places that are really dark and thick and all that we live is our own creation of previously accumulated ‘sins’.

My mother is now suicidal. She has expressed her wish to die soon. She has by now given up on life, that life can be any different for her or that she can make nah difference in her life.

Looking at people I am screaming inside. Why don’t You help them somehow? How can You let them be like this? How can’t You not find the way to whisper Love into their ears so they can open up and make some change.

Even though I notice some ‘easing’ factors like my friends’ sister’s taking care for him and my brother’s care for my mother, my constant nagging that may allow her to make tiny changes.

However, in my mind, God is meant to be a miracle maker, a Gini of some sort, a Love Guru who can whisper magical words into our ears while we sleep and so we wake up a little bit more ‘enlightened’, a little bit less stuck or self-destructive or simply a little bit more willing the next morning.

I understand that none of the above can be comprehended or altered by the mind. I only hope for some of your experiences and thoughts that you could share with me that may help me embrace God’s intentions for us; that may allow me to see what is not visible for me right now.

I feel, that in these areas I lack authenticity. I simply cannot say that it is all OK, or it is going to be OK, God loves us no matter what because these are only words for me right now.


Assignment No.I – Chapter 3

Chapter 3

This chapter discusses what initiation and being reborn in Spirit mean. It also reveals the role of the teacher in more detail and what it means to walk the Path. This chapter also reveals the nature of the soul and mentions the two main elements of the Path: Sound and Light.

Jesus upon meeting the Pharisee called Nicodemus explains him the Path, the only way of returning Home to God. He obviously does not understand what Jesus is saying, from his responses it is obvious that he is not ready to be ‘reborn again’.”… verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God” … “Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.”

From this chapter I learnt that the soul has two faculties: “that of seeing and that of hearing within” . So “we can hear the Spirit and see the Light”. It is important because we must attach ourselves to the Sound Current in order to be able to travel Home. By withdrawing our consciousness to the eye centre where we can see the Light and hear the ‘wind’ of the Spirit.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 3

Assignment No.I – Chapter 2

Chapter 2

This chapter is about the meaning of miracles and Jesus’s response to the greedy merchants in the temple.

Miracles, to me, used to be about deeds that an ordinary human being cannot achieve. According to Beas Mystics or Teachers come into the world with allotted tasks to perform and they may use miracles in order to support delivering their message and tasks. They do not come to the word to simply perform miracles.

I agree, however, that miracles may not be deeds that an everyday human being would not be able to perform. When observing an illusionist he seems to be performing miracles, however, it is only an illusion to the limited vision. It looks that way, though, at the time.

So, I wonder, if Mystics are but human beings with extended consciousness and vision, and us, spectators, we just look in amazement only because we are lost to our learnt limitations.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 2

The Maze

It is like a maze without and exit, for most of us, anyway.
We are going around, lost
within its patterns, on the tiny paths.
It keeps us amazed and hopeful at every turn,
that there might be an exit after this very last round,
But there is never one.

Luckily, we are unaware of its crafty nature
Every round seems different a bit
because of the way the sun hits the hedges
because of the smell of a different season
because of our numbness and forgetfulness.

Still, the self-made structure of the maze
stays the same around us.
It is a glorious trap for some,
for others it is a miserable one.
It makes no difference, though.

At the end of the day, it is just a simple trap,
wrapped around your primal fears that you try and run away from
and your greatest desires that you endlessly chase.
As we are trotting around
in our personalized maze, forever.

Until, the day,
when you get the key to a well-hidden door,
just like in a Secret Garden,
leading to the heart of the maze.

This glorious sanctuary of the silent monks
eventually shows its wonders to the seeker,
and then you are finally released
back Home.

The shadow side

“…Working on the shadow side takes such commitment and time. Often there seems to be so little change, just the uncovering of even deeper problems, deeper pain, more intense feelings of isolation, rejection, abandonment – whatever are the feelings hidden behind the doors of our unconscious. A friend said that she had heard that their would be struggles on the path, but had never expected them to be so intense, cruelty, jealousy, resentment, bitterness and other shadow qualities that surface often without warning. Seeking greater wholeness we are confronted with the exact opposites of what we think we are. And what we then discover we are. Trying to reconcile these opposites within us we find ourselves caught in conflicts of pain and bitterness. These inner struggles that can be violent and tormenting need to be worked through, and the greater our aspirations and devotion, the quicker the darkness comes up to the surface…”

source – unknown – a friend sent it to me like this.


Fork | Tobias Müller:

Photo Tobias Müller – source

Why don’t you lift me out?

So, it is all my fault.
Somewhere along the way I lost track of the Path
I left your Garden
Now I wonder aimlessly in the wilderness.

You seem to have lost track of me, too!
Have you not noticed?
You say, no sheep of yours is lost
But I am not sure that it is the case.

Maybe, some of us wondered off
Too further away
And you cannot see us
Hidden behind some burning bushes.

I am here, invisibly screaming and weeping
As I trod along this dusty road
Not knowing where I am heading
Or what demons I must conquer along the way

Can you see me now?
Can you hear me now?
It is so thick and dark down here
And you are nowhere to be found

I am angry day after day
Because the next day brings no more light
But even thicker layers of mud
I can hardly recognize myself any more

Covered in mud I yell into the wilderness
My pains and sorrows, in vain
I am distanced and lonely
Stuck in heavy wet soil

Your Guide smiles at me encouragingly
But He is so far away, I can hardly make Him out
He indicates the way forward
And I don’t understand, why you don’t simply lift me out

Why let me sink deeper and deeper into
The damp earth, I have gathered over ions of time
If you see me now
Why don’t you send for me the Chariot with the Unicorn?

Why the struggle?
Why do you smile when I sweat?
Why the Hope in Your Eyes?
When mine are burning with tears?

Assignment No.I – Chapter 1

Chapter 1

To my understanding, the first chapter of Light on St. John by Radha Beas’s as well as John 1:1 – 1:51 from the Bible is an introduction to Jesus’s basic teachings and it provides with some basic information on ‘teacherhood’ as well as an introduction to the Path.

First, it discusses Creation and God’s existence. “The Lord is everywhere and we live and breathe in Him. … which is all love. There is nothing in existence that was not created by this Word of God and that is not sustained by it.”

I think this is too great a concept for a human mind to comprehend so it is up to us as single individuals to experience it for ourselves the way it is presented to us. Occasionally, I have some ‘feelings’ that are so vast that I cannot even express them. The one single word I could put on such an experience would be feeling of ‘expanded oneness’. This is the experience I would consider similar to what is described above.

Continue reading Assignment No.I – Chapter 1

Assignment No.I introduction

Assignment No.I


  • Summary of the book
  • What I learnt form the book
  • How I integrate what I learnt from the book into my ministership

Radha Soamin Satsang Beas – Light on Saint John, 1967,
Gospel according to Saint John, the Holy Bible, New Testament, King James version


This assignment is the summary my personal view on and my personal experiences of Radha Soamin Satsang Beas book called Light on Saint John, published in 1967, and the Gospel according to Saint John, the Holy Bible, New Testament (King James version).

My main intention with reading this book was to see how Jesus’s teaching is still relevant regarding spiritual unfoldment today. When I started my own spiritual journey it was Jesus whom I could relate to the most in the mist of numerous teachers.

He ‘appeared’ to me one day and started a conversation with me that is still going on today. I consider him one of my teachers and my inner guide.

In some ways, I am also interested in his life in light of his teachings and how he was perceived by his contemporaries, disciples, and followers according to the scriptures.

Continue reading Assignment No.I introduction

The meaning of Life

“The spiritual awakening is the most essential thing in man’s life, and it is the sole purpose of being.” Khalil Gibran

“We came not into this life by exile, but we came as innocent creatures of God, to learn how to worship the holy and eternal spirit and seek the hidden secrets within ourselves from the beauty of life.

The true light is that which emanates from within man, and reveals the secrets of the heart to the soul, making it happy and contented with life.

Love is my sole entertainer, singing songs of happiness for me at night and waking me at dawn to reveal the meaning of life and the secrets of nature.”

Source – Kahlil Gibran: LOVE and the Meaning of Life


Diary of MS, Vol.1

Thoughts on discipleship, service and ministerial studies @ the BoL

Today, I decided to create a diary for my journey of the ministerial studies. I suppose this can be part of my assignments because these posts are accounts of my personal experiences of various study related material and encounters.
Budapest, 3/6/2016

Self-doubt as self-protection

This morning during meditation I had a strong feeling of ‘enough’. I felt as if life was telling me to stop hoping and wishing. In some ways what I experienced reminded me of my no-nonsense grandmother who lost faith in the unknown a very long time ago. At a time when I wanted to be an artist, she kept on reminding me that nobody cared about what I wanted or wished for and told me to get a proper profession that would pay my bills. Once again, I found myself sitting in waiting idly for the heavens to open so I can do what I long to do, my ministerial studies.

This crazy voice appeared and started screaming at me saying: ‘Why is it that you have not noticed that life does not support you in doing this? Can you not see the closed door? It is simply not for you! You would not be good for a minister, anyway, you don’t fill the bill! Look at yourself, how ridiculous you are! You are banging on a closed door! Go and find something more worthwhile to do!

I was struggling with thoughts like, ‘I may not be ready to do my ministerial studies properly. Maybe, the reason behind my studies finding solid ground and a proper form is because of my unreadiness to serve God and others. I may not, simply, be the right person for the job.’

Continue reading Diary of MS, Vol.1

Hafiz, the master poet

Today is Valentine’s Day and I was wondering what it is I could do to make myself of my own Valentine? So, I decided to read some ‘Love’ poems. As I was wondering whose poetry to indulge into, the first name that came to mind was Hafiz. He is my favourite ‘Love Poet’. As I was reading ‘I heard God Laughing’ I realized that there is an account of his life and discipleship at the back. So, I gave it a good read.

Interestingly, as I was reading about Hafiz, his life and journey on the Path, and his teacher, Muhammad Attar, I found myself crying all the way through. In some funny way, I could comprehend his journey of becoming one with the Beloved. I saw an ordinary man with great passion journeying through life until attaining Oneness. Holy inspiring!

While reading I had many interesting feelings of devotion, one pointed focus, passion, and loving. By reading his poetry I sensed God’s encompassing Love for us. The stories of his sweet and joyous encounters of God are so contagious. I could not put the book down.

While reading, I also noticed a sense of desire to devote myself to a teacher and/or training, like he did. Though the text concluded that his relationship with his teacher was challenging at times since the Teacher’s job is to support the inner journey regardless of what the journey entails in the physical, I still felt a great sense of support in that relationship.

I think, I wish to experience discipleship, the day to day commitment to the Path and the service, like Hafiz did. I wish to be supported and reminded daily of my devotion until I can do it on my own. What I gathered from my readings was that Attar served as a reference point – someone who has mastered the journey -, a person of honest feedback, and a true friend on Hafiz’s journey towards God.

While reading I felt this emerging of intense feelings, some kind of a drawing toward, that I could not make sense of.
I found it touching, though, to read about his challenges of being a disciple and about his forever unfolding relationship with his teacher Muhammad Attar.

As I was reading, I was wondering what it would be like to be a devotee, to offer my life to discipleship and service. What would it entail? I feel very attracted to doing something like that but I am not sure if discipleship still exists today.

In some ways, Hafiz’s life reminded me of my own: an everyday life with lots of usp and downs, challenges, unexpected change, and adversity. However, I felt most inspired by his perseverance and the way he could use his devotion and focus to recover each setback. As an example, similarly to Jesus, he also goes away to contemplate for 40 days twice in his life time during which he moves onto the next part of his journey. It reminded me of my visits to the US in 2011 and 2015 – a new age wanderer, ha? – I consider these visits my personal pilgrimages that supported me to move onto the next stage on my journey.

His poetry is such a light-hearted account of all what the spiritual journey is about with all its challenges, moving-ons and falling back downs in succession.

Above all, what I found most inspiring was Hafiz’s amazing ability to create poetry of any subject in a way that deep down every single one of them was about his devotion to the Devine, to God that resides in each of us. No matter what might have happened in his life, whether he lost his son and wife or fell out of favour of his patron and became a beggar, at the end of the day, he wrote about his true feelings of loss with never losing sight of the Beloved and his devotion to Him.

If I could set one focus for myself it would be to never lose focus, no matter what, of the Devine residing inside of me and to be able to do that with such passion and joyfulness as Hafiz did.

Essay is based on: Hafiz – I heard God laughing translated by Daniel Ladinsky, Penguin 1996

Photo source


I heard you Calling

I heard you Calling

I called back.

You don’t seem to have heard my response

Am I not loud enough for you?



I said, yes, and I mean it.

I am not sure,

But I am never sure about anything.

So, don’t get discouraged!

I am here.

I am waiting,

I am waiting for being heard and lead.


My wicked spirituality

Everything is perfect. When Louise said this, I realized that hearing that phrase is like hearing that everything happens for a reason. It’s a tough message to swallow when faced with tragedy or deep pain of any kind. But, by training ourselves to see the perfection in our most difficult moments—a perspective that, at first, can only be seen in hindsight—we learn to trust Life. We come to understand that, while we might not like a certain outcome, Life may be leading us in a new, more appropriate and beneficial direction. Everything happens for a reason or Everything is perfect are beliefs born from a decision to see life as a schoolroom. When we choose to become a student of life who learns and grows from his or her experience, everything does, in fact, happen for a reason. In this way, we make our most difficult moments mean something by using them to our spiritual advantage.

Full article here

Well, I am here, as ever, to argue my case!

I do not think that life is perfect, and I do not believe that we can learn from everything that happens to us. Like the previous article I shared, sometimes and experience is only there so we uncontrollably sad and to grieve some unrecoverable loss. That is all to it.

What to learn from loss? Maybe, acceptance. However, in my understanding, acceptance comes with age and time. Eventually, we all accept life for what it is and realize that there is no point in fighting because Life does not care about what you want, you’d better go with what life offers.

Successful people, from my perspective, are either big bullies who respect no one and nothing, and have their way nevertheless(these ones are rarely happy, contented or at peace); or they are all accepting and embracing whatever Life throws at them.

So, maybe, this learning business is all about learning to accept whatever it is that Life brings you to live. I am not sure how to use any of it for my spiritual advancement.

So, where I stand is this: Life does not give a them! You are either though and can bare what life throws at you or you break and fall. Either way, you are not happy. This is the majority of humanity.

Some of us, maybe, I’d say, 10% of us (top max) consider himself/herself being some spiritual journey of the Soul, that allows us some self-awareness and choice in the above matter.

Those whose basic disposition is of a calmer and more accepting nature, take life for what it is without much argument or fight. Those of, like myself, who are more of a challenger, carve our way into new heights, displaying individuality in the process and still being inspiring.

My idea of spirituality is not of following the crowd and checking if I am cooperating and flowing smoothly with whatever the mainstream is. I am in for a special journey. I am curious how to live an exceptional life with all the experiences that is uniquely belong to me.

This is MY wicked spirituality.


is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control, of holding in our affections those who inevitably move beyond our line of sight.
Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life. Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.
Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream, a child lost before their time. Heartbreak, we hope, is something we hope we can avoid; something to guard against, a chasm to be carefully looked for and then walked around; the hope is to find a way to place our feet where the elemental forces of life will keep us in the manner to which we want to be accustomed and which will keep us from the losses that all other human beings have experienced without exception since the beginning of conscious time. But heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.
…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go.

The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

© David Whyte and Many Rivers Press 2015
Now Available 
Morning Sky
Photo © David Whyte
Barga, Province of Lucca, Italy
Ocotober 2015


The lessons to learn

In the past few weeks, I have been scanning and reading my old diaries from 35 to 10/15 years ago. Though many things have changed since then, actually nothing has changed. The main troubles and issues of mine are exactly the same as they were 35 or 10 years ago.

There is no change, I admit now. We do not change. The issues we deal with, we have them for all hour lives. I suspect this is what the spiries (people who follow some spiritual path) call karma, our unlearnt and forever present lessons.

Let me tell you mines.

My main lessons revolve around ‘belonging and caring for self’. These issues have been part of my ‘self’ for as long as I can remember, probably even before that. All the rest of the issues stem from these two. As a child I felt very different from those around me, I could not relate, I often felt ridiculed but especially completely misunderstood. I am pretty sure I am not the only one with these feelings however these feelings of mine grow naturally out of the ‘lessons’ I arrived here with: ‘Where do I truly belong?’ This one is rather comprehendible, we all must face this question at some point on our journey home.

The other one is a bit more complicated because it is more subtle. I don’t fully understand it either. Somehow, I find caring for myself more challenging than caring for others. In some ways, I am convinced that if I take care of others, those I take care of will eventually care for me. However, it is NEVER the case. Those I take care of are takers, they take as much as they can lay their hands on. At the same time, those, who actually do care for me actively are those whom I have never done anything for. I think it makes sense.

The tricky bit is my choices. I keep on choosing environments that requires more of my giving and offer hardly anything for me to take. Somewhere, I believe – I suppose – that I am here to give but not to take. Usually, those with similar issues have worthiness issues. They do not believe that they deserve anything so they give a lot.

Not me. My beliefs lie around the area of ‘capabilities’ and the ability to live without certain things. I somehow deny my own needs. I claim that I am OK without the things I cannot provide myself with. The issue is that it is not true at all. I wish I could have lots of things I cannot give myself and I am angry with people because of the lack of support they give me in getting those.

However, by allowing others to give me – here comes the tricky bit! – and provide me with things I need, I admit that I am not as capable as I wish to appear. And that threatens me. I appear weak and vulnerable.  I simply cannot allow that. The weak (vulnerable) can be easily taken advantage of and destroyed. One must keep her guards up and avoid all unnecessary ‘receiving’ from the environment so to protect self. Giving also means demands. And I don’t want to be demanded of anything more. I have no more to give!

So, I keep on choosing places to live, where I am scared to death, where I am constantly invaded, challenged, disregarded, hurt and unimportant so to prove my point (my beliefs). When I am in such places, I know the only think I can do is to protect myself, I don’t need to open and become vulnerable much. It would not make much sense. Here, we only want to survive the day, nobody expect you to be vulnerably. Anger and rage rule!

So when it comes to receiving, I prefer protecting. Simple, ha?

photo source





Khalil Gibran@Large

“Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”

‘Life is naked’

“Why do you draw bodies always naked?” Haskell is said to have asked him.

Gibran answered: “because life is naked. A nude body is the truest and the noblest symbol of life. If I draw a mountain as heap of human forms, or paint a waterfall in a shape of tumbling human bodies, it is because I see in the mountain heap if living things and in the water falls a participate current life.”


Picture source

Psalm 139

Psalm 139 New International Version (NIV)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:17 Or How amazing are your thoughts concerning me




“Those who trust in the Lord will be like a tree planted by the water.” (Jer 17:8-NIV)

7″Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. 8″For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.9″The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick;



M. Robinson: Deeper

“As a person goes deeper inside themself…, they will meet egoic mind in it’s totality. Then, just before the person drops the whole of their identity and beliefs of separateness, boredom will present itself. It is the last argument of the egoic mind… How can I live this life without striving, without reacting from the turbulence of my emotions, without desire and without any security? If I give any of these things up, then my life will be empty and boring. There will no longer be any dramas for me to act out and I will no longer be an individual with something impressive to say or worthwhile to do…
Just because you are just listening within for your inner voice, or just observing your mind with it’s fears and desires, does not mean human life ends. On the contrary, life becomes much more vivid and alive, as each experience now has an added dimension…”

Mike Robinson

rumi Lois munoz luque

Picture  source – web – Lois Munoz Luque

My Gratitude Protfolio



“She beautifies my disillusioned brain. She’s like my fairy godmother. … ‘This is the best day of my life. I’m a genius. I love people and people love me. I never criticize, condemn, or complain. Everyone I meet today is loving and respectful. I love God and God loves me.’” Source

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” Epictetus

“At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” Albert Schweitzer

“The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” William James

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words but to live by them.” John F. Kennedy


“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” Charles Dickens

“If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily.” Gerald Good

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Melody Beattie

“The way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” Charles Schwab

“Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts.” Henri Frederic Amiel

“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” Willie Nelson

“It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment.” Naomi Williams

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” A.A. Milne

“In ordinary life, we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Gratitude also opens your eyes to the limitless potential of the universe, while dissatisfaction closes your eyes to it.” Stephen Richards

“Gratitude and attitude are not challenges; they are choices.” Robert Braathe

“Gratitude is more of a compliment to yourself than someone else.” Raheel Farooq

“This a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” Maya Angelou


Pictures are from the big wide NET

The Adventure of Lent

Did you know that the origin of Lent was really about spending 40 days contemplating and ‘choosing your own adventure’?

When I originally started thinking about Len, my first thoughts were, obviously, about what to give up for this Lenten Season. So, I contemplated “What kind of food shall I give up now?” It was in trouble with this one because I have done them all over the years: no sugar, no bread, no meat, no sweets … you name it. Then, I thought, ‘What is it for anyway?’ Honestly, I never felt the difference! I noticed that each time I, in general, think that Lent it is nothing else but giving up something that I like. I also noticed that most people tend to give up some kind of food that they consider unhealthy. I never really understood the concept, so, I started researching the topic: The history of Lent.

That’s what Wiki says – “The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial. Lent is traditionally described as lasting for forty days, in commemoration of the forty days which, according to the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, Jesus spent, before beginning his public ministry, fasting in the desert, where he endured temptation by the Devil. … During Lent, many Christians commit to fasting or giving up certain types of luxuries as a form of penitence. ”

Heavy words, ha? Though, the text mentions fasting and giving up luxuries, it does not say that Lent is meant to be about giving up food as such, addictive or not. We could argue that sugar was at some point in history, especially during war times, a luxury item, and so, giving up the luxury of having sugar might have been considered a way of showing our commitment to the idea of Lent. However, luckily, it has not been the case for quite some time now.


During my research, I also found this amazing article about the ‘Origins of Lent’ by Nicholas V. Russo. He says that according to history, especially pre Christian history, the idea of Lent – the word actually means forty – was about contemplating (praying and meditating) for forty days during which the seeker discovers what kind of adventure he wants to face next in his life.

“The early history of Lent is interesting and complex; it is something of a “choose your own adventure.”

I might be mistaken but I doubt that suffering for forty long days would bring me any closer to the realization of the adventures I wish to encounter next in my life. Contemplation and withdrawal from everyday ‘joys’ of life seem to be a good idea, however, not eating properly does not seem to add much to the topic.

From another passage I also learnt that the (Lentes Season) “it is a season to ponder anew our own need for ongoing conversion.”

From the above it is obvious to me that contemplation on how to start the ‘new season’ and how to enter the anew with the intention to forever convert ourselves into the great person who we are at heart has turned – over the centuries – into a simple and rather mindless ritual of giving up some food as a token of our faith for 40 day.

In case we assume that Lent is, originally, not about giving up something we enjoy in order to suffer, rather it is about releasing all that would prevent us from renewing ourselves for the coming season, for the new spring, we could ask the question: ‘What do I want to let go of that may have so far prevented me from being happy and free?’

How about contemplating on giving up and letting go of something that makes us miserable in exchange for blossoming into our greatness we inherently are: Pure Loving.

On a practical note: ‘What shall it be then? What to let go of? Fear? Self-doubt? Procrastination?’ … Who is your greatest jailer that it is time to say good-bye to? What to choose to give up for this Lenten Season so you can enter your adventure revived when the forty days passed?



Pain and the glass-ball

I have been having this unbearable pain that feels as if someone was sitting on my chest making me suffocate slowly for a while. It is so beyond bearable that I went to see a neurologist and ended up taking ‘relaxants’ besides being a part time alcoholic.  Workaholism has been a trustworthy company for so long that I don’t consider him a distraction at all.

I suddenly realized what drives an alcoholic, an addict – simply numbing this feeling of pain. This agony that I believe we all share down here is hardly bearable (those being sensitive to it) and so needs to be shut up with any means possible even if it means you actually kill yourself along with the pain.

Because my first reaction was fury, I also noticed that my response to pain is actually anger. It is not really new info, it was just funny to see that so clearly. I remember times, however, when I encountered it before and also how incapacitating it felt.

But what causes this pain? As far as I can see, we all have a different answer to this question. Pain can have various causes such as shame, unworthiness or else. In my case it is rejection. If I understand the teachings well, it is ultimately about our sense of separation from God. The glass ball we surround ourselves with that closes God’s Love off from us.

As I was becoming ‘unheardable’ during the interactive part of WPT program yesterday, this was the feeling that showed up. I was feeling the pain of rejection – it came more like a surge of anger at first. The funny thing was that I was also aware that everybody else on the other side was making so much effort making sure that I can participate and be part of this amazing experience. And still, I suddenly got cut off and I went into feeling rejected and unwanted. The pain was enormous, the sudden feeling of something freezing my heart and suffocating me to death.

After having spent some time investigating how I had been feeling and why; I noticed I have been living with this glass ball all my life and this is the ‘thing’ that does not allow me to connect with God. I also understand now that I set this ball up. It feels to me as if I have always felt this way, as if this feeling started way before I arrived here, it sort of came with me.

I am also aware that this glass ball is partly my protection from being rejected again; it keeps me being constantly rejected as well as protecting me from further rejection. I know it sound nonsensical but this is the truth.

Sadly, living in this glass ball defines my whole existence. It prevents me from having experiences that resembles any kindness, caring, embracing, connection or similar. Obvious, there are moments when I can and I do experience these feelings …

What got me even sadder though was the realization that there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how clever I am, I know the answers, I understand and not only that but I am also capable of sharing my revelations with others. Still, I cannot shatter the glass ball, and nobody can do it for me either.

In my understanding the teaching says something like that by regularly meditation we can move beyond the experience and pulls of our karmas and limitations and start becoming (living) our greater self. According to my observation, in order for that to happen one must have unquestionable faith in God. I am aware of my greater self, and I am often amazed by her, the magnificence of her is indescribable vastness. However, I am also aware how disconnected she is from her source because of this glass ball. I watch her fumbling in captivation, daily. And I am sad to see, how her magnificent goes unnoticed because of the glass ball that surrounds her.

The teaching says that the key is accepting and letting go. I sometimes wonder how you mean by that? Accepting my eternal captivation and the pain that comes with it? Letting go of the glass ball? Neither it is really possible, understandably.

The other day, I saw a movie – the best of me. For me this movie was about living our fate. It made me realize that there is no point in fighting fate. It deeply touched me, how much dignity and acceptance this guy lived his fate, never questioning it. His fate gave meaning to his existence. And I though, how true it is! We are only here to live our fate. We have no choice over the life we live; we have some choices, choices over accepting or fighting what is but nothing beyond that. We can complain about it, or try to change it- both are pointless. Everyone is on a set path without realizing it.

I have fought life all my life. I have always thought that my life was unfair, life was treating me unfair. I still think it is unfair because I have no idea really what is going on beyond my comprehension. I am given pieces of info here and there so to ease the struggle on the journey. Each time, I am given a new piece of the puzzle of my life, I am like a silly dog with the new piece of bone that will take my attention away from the burning question, only for a while.

In this light, both the glass ball and the pain is part of my personal experience this life time. I suspect acceptance is about living with whatever shows up knowing that, at the end of the day, none of it makes any difference. The journey stays hidden, we only spend the time with chewing on one bone or another. Letting go, I suspect, is letting go of the ‘dream’, the ‘need’, the ‘want’ to have a ‘different’ life and try to stay sane in the meantime.

Up until sort of nowish, I have really hoped that life is meaningful, we are, I am here with a purpose. I really believed that I am the way I am because I have some inherent purpose. And I do define myself with this ‘unknown’ meaning that I have been searching for. The idea that I am completely meaningless is a rather hard call.  I know, I don’t make sense. J I am realizing (not saying I am living it!!) that it does not matter what I do, the only thing that matters is that each day I walk the part of the path that is designated for that day. My only job is to show up and walk it preferable without any hustle. Obviously, the more I can stay present – which is hardly available to me at present – the less hustle I suffer. The rest is a mystery.

I am not always sure that I can manage living like that but so far so good. I have not killed myself yet and I do not think it is available to me either. It is hard to stay completely neutral, not noticing my feelings or my thoughts or not being caught up in them.

Turning back to where I started, I feel that because of the pain (of rejection and meaninglessness) I have been experiencing, I simply cannot stay present. I am either busy with trying not to feel the pain or I am indulging in it. Probably like everyone else. There is not much I can do about any of this, I cannot shatter the glass ball around me that I have built to protect my wounded self. So, here I am so clever and accomplished and still extremely stupid and helpless.

Being in Hungary is a blessing. I feel at home among these people. They remind me, every day, the agony of our existence. We have this in common, the most of us anyway. We suffer as if it was a requirement! Being out of here would require me letting go of my need to drama and agony but that would mean that once again I let go of something that defines me, and not only that but my belonging, too! And I make sure, in some way or another that I am ‘rejected’ by all those who do not share my limited experience (those who may remind me of my greater self).

It brings me to God, my greatest fan and rejecter. The experience that causes the greatest pain in me is my feeling that God rejects me and rejects me having all those experiences that would enhance the quality of my life. I know it is about the glass ball. I also hear you all say that God infinitely loves us all, etc., but this is not my experience.  It is, however, interesting why it is that my ‘source’ of rejection is God himself. Most people I know on the path turn to God in their greatest sufferings that they believe are caused by the world. Whereas, I believe that my greatest source of pain is God himself. I have always had the feeling that I was forced to be born again, that I did not want to come back here, I don’t want to live at all, but God forces me to, punishes me with ‘time on Earth’, to live this miserable life. I don’t understand any of this, however, I am aware that it is a big part of my glass ball. I cannot meditate any more on connecting with God. I don’t want to connect with my ‘punisher’. This bit is still hazy because I am often touched by something I call ‘Loving’ but it is not connected to any sense of God inside of me. It is just a feeling that is not connected with any ‘thought’ inside of me, I call it Loving because it seems like the most appropriate word. I am sorry if I don’t make sense here.  Maybe, I just have a false sense of God, or something. I would not be surprised having been brought up with such confusing messages about God.

And again, everything is only my experience, my fate, my path. For another it is probably completely different and just as valid as mine. Life is a mystery and I suspect it will stay that way.

After all this anger and apathy, I am not quite sure where enthusiasm and joy will come from … they may just show up one day … the day when I can truly accept my fate for whatever it maybe … or at those moments when I am not busy with feeling sad about something. Now, at least, I know why I am such a joyful person at heart; I would be such a bore otherwise!

Two bits I would like to share with you from my favourite film, Shakespeare in Love, on Fate and the Mystery of Life, the way I understand it! 🙂 Enjoy it!

Thank you for listening.

Just thoughts …

I am resigned, submissive and acquiescent. I fight no more.

I can’t make a difference, what is more, I can’t even say full-heartedly that there is a need for any change. Who am I to imply that, anyway?

The meek, the blessed meek…

Why has it taken me so long to understand that it is only the meek, the submissive, the cheats and the lies can only go to heaven. The ones who try to be the good-kidz of the mighty God and become the beloved ones.

No, no, really, it is silly. God doesn’t care how good or bad you are.

Society does though. And until we are stuck here it is always going to be a human being deciding.

I know. It is all about energies. It really is. It is all about intention, the strength of your will that makes a difference in the way you are perceived.

She believes she deserve the best, the support, the loving, God’s guidance because she is a good girl, she does what she is expected of her – at least this is how she believes it to be.

In the meantime, I am angry, especially with her, though it is not her fault. She is who she is, a selfish human being like many other who is way too needy to see anything beyond herself.

And who am I to judge? In God’s realm she is just as perfect as anybody else because He only see us as loving beams of lights. Me, on the other hand, down here, I see and suffer the illusion of her acting mean, narcissistic and being liked for it. And she is liked for it because she conveys the energy of ‘deserving’, the meekness that opens hearts, the smiles … and I am angry with her because I know how fake all that. I just want to scream and say: ‘Stop it! Don’t you see that she is just a wolf pretending to be a sheep?’

I act tough, I act aggressive, I act controlling, I act confident … still I cannot act needy or narcissistic; it is just not in my vocab. No matter how hard I try and be the wolf hidden in the skin of a meek lamb … I am transparent, I am the bad girl with a weak heart for the meek…

My shit, your shit

We all deal with some shit. It occasionally looks enormous, and sometimes we do not even notice its existence. However, the more you dig into your own shit to see what it is made of, the more you realize its basic elements. Eventually, you come to see he sticky soil the makes up the web of your life. Some call it fate. Some call it Karma. Some call it misfortune. Some, simply, call it life. No matter how you call it, it only has one reason to its existence to ‘teach’ you about Love.

I know it sounds weird to say that your ‘shit’ is your greatest teacher, but actually this is the truth. Have you ever noticed the patterns that makes your daily life? Starting with the way you get out of bed. Are you excited to start your day? How do you start your day? With struggle and unease or with a smile? Do you start your day with meditation or coffee? How much of God’s Life Force do you allow to rush through you or do you replace it with caffeine?

With each drop of awareness you can go deeper into the material of your shit. If you start observing yourself like a investigative hawk, not missing a beat, you soon start to realize the one main vain that feeds all the other little ones, the artery that feeds every thought and action in your daily life.


So, what is it that runs you? What is this image that you hold so true to yourself that under no circumstances, even on your deathbed, you find challenging to release? Are you Lancelot, the gloomy knight, who vowed to protect the kingdom but never to be appreciated for it?

Or, are you the stubborn ox who knows it all but deep inside you feel insecure and lost all the time?

Or, are you the princess who spends her whole life waiting for the prince to safe you from the doom of your environment and the people who don’t seem to understand your fragile nature?

I am the repenting martyr. I believe that God has turned away from me. My shit revolves around sin and punishment. Somewhere deep inside of me- my artery – I am convinced that I must have done something wrong, at some point of my life (either this or in a previous one) and so I am doomed for this lifetime. My version of punishment is to serve others without any reward whatsoever. My shit tells me not to dare take care of myself or accept any support until I am done repenting. So, I live my life in the purgatory waiting for redemption that never comes.

So what’s the learning in Love for me? My redemption – the Love I wish to receive – is forgiveness that does not seem to come, no matter how hard I try and please the Gods with my good deeds. It is because I expect it from the wrong source. I am waiting for God to forgive me. However, it is actually me who cannot forgive myself and so to release myself from living in my shit.

What’s yours?


I am sorry! Please, forgive me!

It all started before I was born. I failed many people. I did not keep to my word and I could help them reach Nirvana. Upon dying I was struggling with immense amount of guilt, a sense of incompletion and failure. God looked at me with Loving eyes, smiled and said: “Just let it go and come home to me. The rest will take care of itself. Whomever you feel you left behind would find the way home. Remember ‘No soul will be lost’!”

No matter how sweet his smile was, how touched I was by his gentleness and forgiveness, I could not forgive myself for what I had done, so I decided to give it another go. I asked for another round in Hell so to make amends.

He said yes to my request and sent me to a place where I could repent.

There are different places a Soul can go to so to work on Its karmas. Each of us is sent to the very right place to face our main theme. This theme is like the tapestry of a Soul’s existence in the physical. It is a bit like being cobwebbed around from within , as if the stings of the web were extended outside in a way that the centre where the Soul is trapped becomes a capsule similar to a puppet on strings. And each time a trigger of the theme is pulled the stings start jerking pulling the poor puppet all over the show.

After some floating, my Soul arrived to a place called ‘Sin and Penance’. Since it was quilt that drove me back for another round, it was essential that I became aware of the reason why I am back down here in order for me to be able to let it finally go and return home. All other issues a Soul faces are only attached to the main tapestry of Its present existence – the main theme – in the time and space continuum.

My main theme is absolution.

All through my life from very early on, I had a very strong need to take responsibility for others’ happiness, to support them, even try to save them. There were times when I was called a witch, some other times an angel depending on how much someone fancied to be rescued. However, most of the time I was called a controlling bitch. Not surprising, since my drive to repent had no limits. I had to get my absolution in some way or another and I could only get it through ‘service’ and ‘being the savior of the masses’.

After decades of failing attempts to save people and hating the world with all its souls for not appreciating me for my strenuous efforts in making their existence ‘better’, I started to turn within looking for answers. I started to withdraw and bring my interaction with the world to the bare minimum while I started to build up a relationship with the Landlord of my Heart whom I stated to sense has the answers I was looking for.

During this Soul-searching process, I started to notice that though I am exceptionally talented, creative, musical and rather smart, I constantly block myself becoming successful in anything, I block my attempt for happiness and a sense of accomplishment. There were moments when I fought it, then I complained about, and other times I just simply detested it. There were moments when I just wanted to kill myself so the pain of my existence would seize. I blamed God for my misfortunes and I loathed the world for not being more responsive.

Struggling without the awareness of why life is so ‘unfair’ to me have determined my whole existence. As I was becoming aware of the various threads that make up the tapestry of my existence I started to notice patterns like the overwhelming sense of responsibility over others well-being and happiness; the constant need for doing good in the world; creating and initiating various movements of development; the constant anger towards life for ‘making’ me collect these painful experiences; the layers of walls that surround me in protection against being others’ emotional garbage bin; my self-protecting claws that crabs everything that moves.

Then, one day, after decades of soul searching, it downed on me:’ I failed God, I can’t hope for an absolution.’ My life became my repentance. I simply make sure I suffer it as much as I can in order to get a chance for absolution.

So, how to let it go? How to stop the unstoppable, self-destructive drive that fuels my guts?

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

In my eyes, Jesus is Forgiveness embodied. So, I am asking for your forgiveness … so my healing can begin … I am begging you … I am sorry … please, forgive me!


So, one question still remains: How to turn the immense energy of the flagellating propitiation into a flow of Grace?
… surrender …

Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.” So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. Luke 15:1-32

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The Lion and the Lamb

Isaiah 11:6 The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

Isaiah 65:25 The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent’s meat. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain, saith the LORD.

Birthday reminder from a dear friend

My dear!! Be happy as you are! Keep on searching, sharing, expanding, loving, inspiring…

Stay young, free and centered to yourself and balance it with some roots (anywhere I want) to have yourself even more earthy, joyful and wise!

I love you and thank you for staying close!

Have a day of celebration such as you need it!

Love and many hugs,




We are limited reflections to one another.

We reflect our stubborness in our limitations.

I am stubborn and unwilling to enter the Grace of God and stay there.

She is stubborn and unwilling to let of the illusion that she is there already.

We must have it in our own way.

She is all in the head imagining stuff.

I am all in my head being clever about stuff.

She searches for the signs.

I search for evidence.

She does not allow feedback to touch her and support her to spring out of her troubles.

I do not allow His love to melt me and support me out of my troubles.

She is adamant that she has reached the fullness of her life and has embraced it all.

I am adamant to avoid embracing the wholeness of my Life.

She believes she knows who she is while not noticing that her limitations define her.

I know who I am without experiencing it. I believe that my limitations define me.

We both think the other is mistaken and rather ridiculous in her limitations.

We are stubborn in our wrongness.

She thinks she has God in her life.

I pretend I don’t have God in my life.

She pretends she hears Him.

I know I hear Him though I won’t admit to it.

She blames others.

I blame myself.

We reflect what we deny about ourselves that is unexpressed.

Neither of us embraces who we truly are.

We both pretend to be someone different from who we actually are. At the same time we reflect each other’s true nature and show who we are inherently meant to be.

She pretends to be holy.

I pretend to be fierce.

She is the wolf pretending to be the lamb.

I am the lamb pretending to be the wolf.


She is meant to be the protective Wolf, the one who allows the Lamb to be available to the world.

I meant to be the Lamb.


It won’t hurt, don’t be afraid!

I just would like you to consider what I tell you.

I don’t want you to act in accordance with my words.

Don’t be afraid, my words don’t hurt.

Neither will your actions

if you align them with your own highest good.

You are the sorcerer of your life.

Make your own decisions.

Still, listen to the

Sound of my actions.

See the way I am going?

Come with me but don’t follow me.

My intention is pure.

I want you no harm.

I wish you could fly on your own terms.

Listen to me,

Hear me out,

Then go on on your accord.

It won’t hurt, don’t be afraid!

rumi zz

My failed experiment

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path.

I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am so unique or anything but because of my character. For this path or any path that requires faith in the unknown and/or some following especially someone I don’t actually see, is not for my type.

I am sure we all struggle here and there. However, it may not be by accident that the sculptures – though misinterpreted – says that this path is for the meek or the gentle hearted. I am too strong headed and way too self protective for this path. I really don’t understand why or how I got here. It is a miracle on its own.

I am turning away from God because the likes of me are control freaks, we don’t let go, we rather die before we give upon what we think is right and/or true. We are stubborn to the point of self-harm. We know it all, there is nobody above us or below us who could have another say in what we believe in. We are the bigot ones, the one who is committed to his own self. The great protectors we are, who replace God in his absence. We are the biggest children of all who has never been properly parented so we lost faith in the great Father. And so we resist, we fight, we oppose. We believe that it is our job to fix things that God has forgotten to attend to.

I am turning away from God because I don’t have faith in God’s almightiness. I believe that if I don’t fix it, if I don’t say a word, if I don’t stand up for it, if I don’t oppose it, if I don’t fight it, if I don’t remind him, if I don’t scream nothing happens and nothing changes.

It is a great illusion that anything changes by the strength of my voice, I know. I still can’t be a simple observe of distraction and carelessness of any kind.

I am turning away from God because I can’t convince myself that it is all OK the way it is. I can’t accept without saying a word or trying to alter it even if it means I am controlling. I just can’t stand and watch. I don’t have the faith in the mystery of life when it comes to self distraction and hurting each other.

I am turning away from God because I don’t have the right personality for becoming a meek. I am too opinionated. I know the world needs no fixing….I still offer my ideas for change…. Even when nobody listens.

I am turning away from God because I am too angry and judgmental.

I am turning away from God because this path is not for my kind. It is for the soft hearted followers of the light for whom faith is enough evidence in order to accept the unacceptable.

I am turning away from God because this path is not for my kind. I am not a devotee type. I am too charismatic. I expect others to follow me.

This is my failed experiment with God.

Next time around, I hope, I will be not be made of steel but honey so God can melt me with his sweet tongue.

tuning away

My normal life

I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I show no mercy. I tell them that they are the sorcerers of their destinies and instead of whining about the change they cannot make they must commit and do it whatever it takes – ‘keep your eyes on the price’ dears!

And I am the biggest fake of all because I cannot do what I preach. I cannot make a change. I keep on sitting at the same table dreaming about a life I have never lived and I don’t even believe that Life actually exists for me. The truth is that I have already stopped dreaming. When the pain sets in, I just distract myself from it. I eat or drink or smoke or do something so I don’t need to be present with my pain. I don’t see the point of it, I can’t bear it, and neither can I change the cause of it.

I have a good life, most would say. I actually have nothing to complain about. I have food to eat, wine to drink, roof above me, even a car to drive. Whatever else I wish to ‘have’ should not matter. I am a lucky girl who has nothing to complain about. And it is very true. I have nothing to complain about. And I keep on reminding myself of that daily. I say my prayers, I say my thank you’s, I remind myself how grateful I am for all that I have, the Life I have.

And still, the funny feeling the something is not right keeps on creeping back in. I don’t envy anybody. I don’t want to live others’ lives. I just felt that I don’t live the life I could (should?). I call that life ‘normal’.

My normal life would bring the best out of me. My normal life would show how talented I am in many ways. In my normal life, I would not struggle to sustain myself because I would be compensated for my great talents. In my normal life, I could face Life easily, stand up for myself, for what I belief is true without a moment of hesitation, without the frustration of being alone like Jean D’Arc. In my normal life I would be happy either because I was simple and lame someone who could accept her whole existence just as it is or because I lived the life I think I could.

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And here is the trick – I very possibly live the life I could. If there was anything else to have or experience I would be living it. I am making myself sad and unhappy because I rick myself into believing that there is something more I could ‘have’ but I am not having it. How sad!

It is rather tricky because we all somehow believe that there is something we are missing right now in our lives and that very thing we miss makes us feel miserable. We believe that if we just had that thing we wish so much, that would solve it all, that would make us happy forever and ever… but it just ain’t.

If I lived my ‘normal’ life as I imagined it fulfilling my dream, I am pretty sure I would have something else I missed so much that I could hardly bear it and so I would feel  just as miserable as I am feeling right now by not having the ‘normal’ life I wish I could.

The biggest acceptance of all is to know that I live every day that ‘normal’ life I should, there is nothing else. The rest is only a trick our human conditions makes on me making me believe that I should have ‘more’ than I actually have, that there is some mystical something that would turn my world into a fairy tale if I had it. I may just look exactly the way I should, I may just have the very things I need to have in order for me to have my ‘normal‘ life… if only I could embrace it…



You don’t love me!
I am feeling unlovable as if fallen out of favour for a life time.
I am feeling betrayed and rejected.
Half of humanity rejects me out of fear of the unknown, the different.
The other half considers me for nothing as if I did not even exist.
I am betrayed by their bias and their wish for simpler and less disturbing,
that I cannot offer.
Meanwhile they keep their eye on me in fancy
still kiss another they don’t care for,
just to avoid clashing of wild emotions, the complicated.

Then He tells me He loves me no matter what.
I should look nowhere else,
I should just keep my eyes on Him endlessly
and see that He embraces me like no one can.
He tells me that it is no surprise I feel so unloved
I am expecting love from the loveless.
It is no surprise that I feel so rejected and betrayed
Since it is me who cheats Life everyday
by rejecting my True Nature that is Love itself.


My abnormal life

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging.

If I could chose, I would want to live a life of ‘normality’. I would want to have a family, children, a dog, a job that I actually like doing … all the normal stuff, nothing special. I would want to live a boring life that can only offer routines and quick aging. And still, this part of me that is of this world wants nothing else but controlled security, accountability and a stable daily routine. One of the probable reason for that is that I have never live such a life. Not for a moment.

I look at the billboards or watch TV commercials, they all suggest some kind of happiness-like feelings hidden deep down in the simple ‘normalities’ of life. Behind the seemingly boring facade of such life they suggest some exciting and rather kinky happenings that are only available for those who live such a normal life.(Maybe that is why I am so attached to the idea of living normally).

Then, to my great surprise, when I tell others about the kind of life I live, their eyes open and they can’t help saying: “you are so free, I so envy you!” And I look at them in amazement because I always thought that their life, the normal life, is the life worth living. The billboard life.  A dream life. All these people go out into the world, they venture and gain. Don’t they? Or when they don’t, at least, there is something worthy to complain about, isn’t there?

Now, I understand that mostly what I perceive as exciting and kinky is nothing but attachment to all that is missing that is just out of reach, that what is offered by the billboards and the TV commercials. I actually miss out on nothing by not having a normal life.

My kind of life is challenging, daily. There is no security or coherence in it. It does not develop into anything greater than what it is right now. Neither is it really free as others suggest it is. It is rather empty actually so it requires a lot of creativity to fill it in with different unplanned activities and passing-the-time-with’s. This life offers me nothing whatsoever. I don’t become anybody eventually, I will not have a lot of great stuff accumulated by the end of it, I will not have a family to bury me, and neither will I be famous … all that would prove that my life – at the end of the day -was one worth living for.

Mine is simply an invisible and abnormal life.

Fear and Love

“We attract the same energy we give out. …”

Well, I am puzzled. The experiences I have been having these past two days are rather odious. I started advertizing a program I am supposed to run and a lady started to have this funny conversation with me that ended with her calling me names and sending me to hell. How did I get here? If the above lovely quote is true, I must have put out some ‘bad’ vibes that the lady picked upon. I started investigating.

She has her own share in the matter, that’s hers to resolve. Mine is the bit where I generated fear that landed in the form of aggression. That sounds like me.

So what is it that I am afraid of so much that it manages to form such a bundle of tangled energies that it can eventually boomerang back like a badly targeted cricket ball, right in the face? Well, I am afraid of being judged, found out, unveiled, and exposed … what if they realize that I only pretend to be somebody I am not? How will I be able to protect myself from attack if I am exposed? … and on. I know it is not me, but I cannot be me until I am afraid. And my fear only lets out vibes of fear to generate more fear that eventually makes me feel scared then I become aggressive so to protect myself form a harmful word that I actually contributed to by being afraid and not having done anything about it.

Then I remembered the rest of the quote…

 “ …Take a deep breath, and exhale the energy you would like to receive.
Breathe in, exhale love.
Breathe in, exhale compassion.
Breathe in, exhale joy.” Rumi

God, you have planted so much Love inside of me, please, help me express it in the world. And, please, help me override my limitations so this Love, you keep on pouring inside of me, can actually be expressed, showing the way Home, no matter what the circumstances.

Thank you.



It amazes me that there is always another layer of depression under any depth of depression. There is always a way to feel a bit shittier than yesterday.

I hear myself say “you have a choice here, man! You either feel crap or you do something about it” Honestly, I truly wish I could do something about it. I know I have a choice, but somehow I don’t seem to be able to exercise that choice. Holy weird! As if I was pushing the wrong button … or it is frozen.

It is so cold and gloomy that occasionally I need to lift my hands up from the keyboard and blow some warm air over them so I can continue typing. It is the 17th May on the north hemisphere!

Once someone told me that the weather is only a reflection of our collective emotional consciousness. If it is true, we, humans, are collectively very-very sad and depressed. Holy crap!

We’d better cheer up soon or we will be frozen to death in a very short while!


My life in (non) acceptance

I suspect that all that is present in my Life right now is a reflection of my inner world. Let’s have a look.

I am homeless. I am taken in by my family who consists of three people: an anger ball – a man who is so extremely angry all the time so much that he brakes things around the house and often screems and shouts; an alcoholic – actually a manic depressive who managed to control his depression with alcohol,  a man who walks about like a ghost slowly disappearing; a depressed –  narcissist lady who is on antidepressants so she does not try to kill herself in a manner of speaking. They all smoke. I am a  none-smoker. I managed to convince them to smoke outside of the house most if the time. They feel pressured by it.

This is my immediate family. We live together in some very weird symbiosis in which I try and convince myself that I am actually different from them but I am actually not.

At the moment I live in a country that considers racism the norm and so reelected a right wing government

I am unemployed. It is not unusual because I have mostly worked as a freelancer so far. Being creative is not especially a worldly profession. I am either offered work that has nothing to do with my creativity therefore I find it unattractive or I am not offered a job since nobody know exactly what it is that I can do. I am full of ideas, all the time, and they are rather feasible, however, I don’t have neither the means nor the ability to make them happen. I can start them but from that onwards I need others to take them over. Since nobody understands exactly what it is I try to do they don’t know how or where to join in. I have eighteen ideas in progress that are not progressing at present.

I have very little money available to me.  I owe a chunk of  money to different sources. I feel very pressured and stressed by all this. however, obviously,  not pressured enough to do anything about it.

I am a loner. I cannot create or sustain relationships, especially with the opposite sex. I neither consider myself a beauty nor do I have a sweet personality that would sweep prince charming off his feet as soon as he meets me.

I am overweight. I look like Miss Piggy from the Muppets. It may look sensual but it is heavy on my bones and joints. It is rather unhealthy.

So what does it all reflect back to me about me?

That i am in non acceptance with myself. That inside of me it is low and dark. That I feel undeserving. That I don’t feel worthy of anything nice in Life. That I feel doomed. That I must be a horrible person otherwise why would I live my life in apperent punishment?

Nobody can offer me anything to ease my reality because I can’t receive it, I don’t even notice it.

And all this does not matter because Life actually happens somewhere else … I just don’t know where exactly.

God, if you exist in any shape or form, please grant me one single wish; that’s all, I promise I will never ask for anything ever again; just grant me this one wish: grant me the ability to Love myself no matter what, under any circumstances, all the time from this instant.


Lost in transition

Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I am so unbearably worried that I can’t even breathe properly.

I so proudly owned two qualities before: my self-discipline and my sense of responsibility. Recently, however, they seem to have deserted me leaving me completely lost in transition.

Until now, there was this voice inside of me that told me what my responsibilities were and what I was supposed to be doing. If I started to moan, the voice in my head simply metamorphosed into a Nazi-army-officer and directed me towards things that I needed to attend to without hesitation or delay.

Not anymore. Though I still have the voice within still being very loud – screaming with rage  – but it sort of lost its power over me. It is not strong enough anymore to make me do things I don’t want to.

I don’t really know why it is that I don’t want to do certain things anymore – it feels as if I can’t bear the thought of doing them – that I used to do without hesitation. Before, I did not question the logic behind her orders. Now, her logic does not seem logical at all anymore!

I have no idea how to do it differently. I am very used to following her orders without question. I really believed that she wants the best for me, I still do, however, I don’t think that her logic is either healthy or loving towards me. Also, I noticed, that her suggestions don’t work. If they did, I would not be having the same exact issues all over again. I don’t know if I just got fed up or suddenly I had an epiphany that revealed the nonsenseness of my usual ways of attending the issues of my life.

The not knowing how to handle such simple matters of life scares the hell out of me especially I think I used to be very good at them. It actually freaks me out feeling so incapable of resolving simple life matters that needs quick resolution – at least it seems so.

Still, no matter how harsh and judgmental I try to be with myself, no matter how much craze I put myself under I just can’t do the old and I can’t come up with new ways just yet.

And here I am, standing completely helpless and lost in transition.

rumi zz


The vicious circle of feeling undeserving

I have been very angry … I have been angry all my life, or most of it anyway, but recently it is a very weird kind of anger. I am painfully angry. so far, my anger was mostly vindictive, I was judging everything demanding things to be put right.

Recently I realized that what my anger hides is pain. Still, I did not understand what the pain was about. I started to understand however that my righteous anger was about the unfair turnout of my life. Somehow my life does not seem to resemble anything I have ever dreamed or hoped for. On top of it all, I am one of those unlucky bastards who actually did try to take responsibility for her life, to make a difference in my existence and still nothing. There is not one area of my life where I feel contented, loved, happy or even something similar to these.

So, as I was walking today I realized the vicious circle of doom I have been living in.

The first feeling was that I cannot accept this reality I am living in, no matter how hard I try and tell myself that it is OK, not everybody gets the life they dream of … then I though it is God’s fault. It is all because God does not love me because if He did I would not live in this doomed reality.

But why does not He love me?

Suddenly I started to hear from the distance of long-ago my parents’ voice “you can’t have this, you are such a bad child. Bad children deserve none of these nice things!” Well, I suspect I learnt that I am bad, and so I don’t deserve what I think would be nice to have. How could God love such a bad person?! And so the vicious circle is closed. I feel undeserving of anything nice, even of God’s Love. Therefore, I prevent myself of having these enjoyable and fun stuff and at the same time I am convinced that having a life that lacks all these nice things is because of God’s rejection of me – which does not come as a surprise since I am bad…

I am aware that it is all ME, ME, ME. I integrated my parents’ rejection, and I did such a great job that I convinced myself that the world, God, others reject me because they don’t get me. In the meantime deep inside I feel very bad about myself, I feel that I am a  bad person, I reject myself and, obviously, I cannot Love myself this way.

The tricky bit is feeling deserving which is a form of Loving. I am not sure how one feels deserving  when convinced of being undeserving. Not sure it is possible. On top of it all, I prove daily how undeserving I am by creating such a doomed reality for myself in which I feel rejected and refused of the things that would make life livable.

My only hope is that one day I may decide that I am actually deserving and will do my best to hold that thought long enough to change my reality … which will come very handy in order to prove how deserving I am. From that point onward it is rather easy … I am convicted that I am deserving! I hope God won’t lose patience in the meantime! 🙂


Artwork – Vicious Circle by Jacek Malczewski, National Museum, Poznań

Some thoughts on resisting Life

So, it is the rock bottom, I HOPE! It is all a hell of a confusion, I am completely out of control  and freaked out. Every moment when something crazy or rather unbearable happens, I scream inside; What’s more?? Please, I accept, I accept it all, but please stop bringing on more!

I something have the feeling that it is about making me laugh … and until I manage to laugh at the unbearable lightness of being, He won’t stop. He is already having a laugh! He twists and turn me and my life around me. I am dizzy and scared. I keep on wanting to hold onto something, make some sense of what is happening, but there is nothing left to grab into.

Like the dervishes, I am spinning and spinning into enlightenment … I only hope, or my only hope, rather.

I am willing to accept all the adversities, at the same time I am struggling with deep fear  combined with loss of control, the need to know what is happening and why and whether I am gonna get out of it all alive or not.

I am not sure if I am good at this, however, I do understand that if I ever want to live in peace, if I want to give myself a chance to become all that I can be, I must accept it all just as it is, myself included, just as I am.


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Interestingly, with all that confusion, upset, rejection and loss I have been experiencing lately, I feel more alive than ever before. I am very sad, very, very sad, sad to the stomach and still this sadness somehow makes me feel alive. I somehow am less numb, I suspect.

I don’t see the light, I don’t hear God, I don’t hear the sound current, my meditations are simply non-existent … and still, I feel more being than before…how is it possible?


My wayside spirituality

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making a life’ of sacrifice, fitting in, making it in the world and similar.

Well, I must have misunderstood something because I really felt I needed to give it a shot, to create, create and create, doing the very things I am so good at.

A few years down the line I find myself homeless (literally), penniless and extremely depressed.

I am sitting here wondering what went wrong …

Honest to God, my main intention is not to get rich and famous. I truly believe that I am very good at creating platforms for others to blossom, I am even good at not only creating the platform for them but supporting them how to co-create using that platform.

About 3 years ago I gave myself the gift of discovering and went on a three months journey into myself. As I was travelling around America meeting the most amazing people, I also realized who I am deep inside of me. After my travels ended I thought it was time to put my discoveries into practice and I started to focus on doing things that gave me pleasure and satisfaction. My focus and conviction that I am following my heart took me to another country, to many, many challenges, a lot of discouragement, even hardship. I do see what an amazing few years it has been, I do feel gratefulness in my heart towards all that supported me along the way, especially in realizing that following one’s heart has nothing to with happiness or satisfaction.

Where I got it wrong, I think, is where I thought that when one gives a shot to one’s heart’s desire it must end up being a success story. We all read about these amazing people who against all odds persevere and ‘succeed’ (whatever the world means to them). And I truly believed that I have the charisma to do just the same, to become this amazing creator person, this very happy lady who draws  satisfaction on simply looking into others’ eyes and seeing their joy that makes me think that it was all worth it. I have not seen much joy lately. I only saw harden eyebrows and flickering eyelashes. The only person whose laughter made my heart sing in the past six month was the little serious boy I took care of for a while.

Well, I do not know how to call what I have become after three horrendous years, however, I suspect I could call myself a bump. I am continuously homeless, mostly unemployed, I am hugely overweight, I look pretty bad, I feel unhappy, unhealthy, depressed and extremely angry. Well, I am not sure if it was worth the ride. On top of it all, I am one of those advocate guys, who preaches ‘going for it’ and ‘never giving up’ and that sort of things.

Nevertheless, every experience is unique and I should not deny myself from the benefits. Even thought I am not aware of the exceptional benefits of these few years at least one day maybe I can tell my grandchildren (probably others’ grandchildren) that I really gave it a go one day, to realize my heart desire. And I can probably add, by then, the learning what I will have gained by then.

For now, I must admit defeat. It is my turn now to rethink my strategy, accept what happened, accepting what is happening now … now… now … and move on … somewhere ..



I have run out of tools. Not as if I had many before. I had two. I screamed and shouted to let the other person know that whatever is happening is not OK with me. They did not get it. I don’t blame them. It must have been too much or too loud! The other one is to show what I need or how I need thinks to be done. I treat people the way I wish to be treated. It does not work either. Not very often anyway.  When I do that, I notice that others take me for a fool. They either look at me curiously, wondering what the trick is, where the cheat is or just laugh at my silliness. Yes, sure, there are some people who really get it, and when it happens it is like a miracle, it feels awesome!: ) It is worth trying for these moments, moments of true connections, the moment when the sparkle appears , and we both get it and start a mirror dance together, even for a moment … it is worth it.

Two of my women

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a sweet and kind woman who really cares about others and wishes to offer her kindness to others. At the same time, she acts like someone who cares non about the other person living with her.  And I know for sure that this is not her intention. She just simply does not see her actions’ consequences. She is lost in her own world of confusion and drama and somehow noticing how the other person feels does not occur to her.

And I am not the sort to say anything. I just don’t know how to do that. I get more and more frustrated  then I leave. I understand that my behavior is just as childish as hers.

Her whole program is about clearing up the mess. Interestingly while she is doing that she actually creates even bigger mess.  And at the same time her cleaning is more like spreading the mess around. I don’t seem to notice the difference between the stages ‘before and after’. After a heavy scrubbing to the floor, it gets so sticky that it needs to be cleaned again.  The whole cleaning up doesn’t seem to produce the result I would expect: a clean house. I understand now, that the whole cleaning is about a desire coming from inside to see clearly, to clear the confusion out and so it does not show.

The house simply never seems to be clean and neat. It is partly due to the inattentiveness with which this house is cared for. I am not sure that it has been mended at all over the past 10 years. It is kind of falling apart, bits by bits.

There is always something left unattended, undone, unfinished, open, broken, dirty … to mend, to fix, to de-clutter …

Then, there is the other woman. The exact opposite of the previous one. She keeps a clean house with a cold mind. She never says a word, she puts on a straight face and she is mechanical. She lives in a clean house, a pre-planned life. She likes life expectable, assumable and predictable. She likes being prepared and when she isn’t she is thrown. She gets upset, she becomes mean, she tries to punish the other person who dared to do the unexpected and so forced her to deal with it.

Somehow I can relate to both of them. I can understand the complete confusion and how stressful it can be when you don’t know what’s happening in your life and you don’t feel capable of dealing with it. And I can also sympathize with the feeling of wanting to have order and predictability in your life and how upsetting it can get when you don’t feel capable maintaining that.


I  have neither the time nor energy for a lot of things that need attending, especially myself. I have an exhausted body, low energy level, slight depression creeping in now, and an always ready soul who just does not get the meaning of the word ‘NO’.

I seem to be constantly busy with different  matters that are a bit about me but mostly they are about others. It is not obvious for an untrained eye but noticeable. The things that I spend most of my time with somehow concern mostly others in a way that it looks like my business. I am well trained so when I make others’ lives my business I do it in a subtle way, like taking on a job that requires me to take care of somebody who cannot take care of him/herself.

It is all tricky though because I do not do these ‘caring’ things because I really care about the people, I do them in order to protect myself. My thinking goes like this: until I am a good caretaker I am needed, I cannot be thrown out or be easily replaced – I am important.

By now, I have learnt to take care about others’ needs so well that I don’t even notice that I have needs on my own or I pretend not to have them.

But today is a new day. Until now I thought that the only way to survive is to take care of others. Today I understood that the only way to survive is to take care of myself. And I know now why.

You hear newage people say a lot these days ‘I do these things so to take care of myself’, but actually they have no idea what that means – big judgment here, however, true, for most anyway.  I know it because I did it myself. ‘Taking care’ was simply about trying to avoid doing the things I found challenging or was afraid of, so instead, I said ‘I’d prefer taking care of myself’.

Until we know what bears true meaning to us, we don’t know how to take care of ourselves. We go with the crowd and buy the things that they tell us to buy under the label of ‘because I am worth it!’ Well, I am worth way more than that!

Today I learnt what ‘taking care of myself’ means to me; it allows me the freedom to be. Let me show you the paradox. I take care of others so they would take care of me in return, so they appreciate me and make me feel important; I make sure they will need me so they won’t desert me. In the meantime I have no time or energy to do the things that fulfill me. So I am unhappy, unfulfilled, expecting a lot from the other person who does not deliver (does not even know that he/she should), I get upset and eventually all hell breaks loose and I scream. I am exhausted. I have nothing more to give. I start feeling scared that I won’t be important any more. But I have not more energy to invest into a lost cause. I move on to find another one to take care of.

A child can only feel free to express him/herself and forget about the world when he/she feels safe in the care of his/her caretaker. I can complain that I did not have the right caretakers but it would be pointless. I am also a grown up now. I am my best caretaker.

It took me a really long time to understand that the reason why I don’t live the life I think I deserve, that I am capable of is that I spend all my precious energy and time on creating others’ lives.

Realizing all this does not make it happen, unfortunately. A new phase is starting now whereas I catch myself when I do the usual stuff – taking care of others’ business – then I stop, I breathe, I don’t move, I stay with it (especially the discomfort of it) then I just let it pass. Then I take all that energy that I have saved upon not doing my usual routine and invest it in something meaningful to myself … like writing a book!

self care

The Self-Abuser Squad

I am sitting here alone (my preference) reflecting on the past few months. I have recently realized how much self-abuse I inflict on myself that causes me to become a so-called ‘suffering cow’. Why on Earth, you might ask, would I cause myself so much pain and anguish? Well, there is always a cause and mine is called ‘Goodness, Strength and Superiority at all costs’. Since I use these layers of thinking and behavioural patterns to make my life miserable I started to call them all ‘the Self-Abuser Squad’! (God Bless my sense of Humour!)

As I was contemplating over the passing year that we are leaving soon behind, I realized that I sacrifice my chance for a good life on the altar of ‘Holy Goodness’. It often reminds me of the Bible where it says somewhere that the ones who are good with inherit the Heavens, or something similar. Well, I am not sure if it is my expectation; however, there is a desperate need inside of me somewhere to be considered really-really good that may even be called ‘Holy Good’ because it makes me feel superior to others. I suspect that, behind my need for being good is a fear of not being good enough and my need to feel superior is a strong sense of inferiority.

The only issue with me trying to be ‘so good’ and ‘above all’ is the price I pay for it, amongst many, the highest is my relationship with God, because in my tiny brain, somehow in my drive for being good and exceptional I blame God for making me a ‘sacrificial lamb’ in the name of Goodness because He only loves the good ones, the ones that suffer the most. I know that none of it is true but my Squad’s existence is based upon these beliefs.

So, how does my Self-Abuser Squad operate? They simply make sure I suffer in the name of Goodness , Strength and Superiority.

My life, constantly, seems to be in turmoil. It is full of drama, layer after layer, caused especially by a reoccurring theme, I call, ‘safetynetlessness’. It feels as if I am inconstant free falling without a safety net underneath me. This is one of the main layers of my Squad because this one has the power to stop me, at any time, to do what I am about to do, no matter how ‘high’ I am on life. This debilitating layer, somehow, is also my most reliable ally in making sure that I sustain pain and suffering in my life via creating situations and circumstances that are pretty uncomfortable and scary. It also makes me feel that I am in lack of things that I essential for my well-being, one of many is my freedom of choice to do what I please. It also makes me feel bound to and reliant on others’ kindness and mercy as a net replacement which would not be a problem if I did not use it to avoid putting down boundaries. I feel that I owe them something in return for their kindness and mercy.

And here comes the next layer of my Squad the ‘meritless’. This layer makes sure that I never get what I think I ought to in basically any area of my life since I form no right to any success or achievement in any way. As a result of this dramatic thread in me, my life is not even close to what I would call joyous or creative. It is rather miserable. I noticed, that even at times when I manage to elevate myself above my insecurities and/or my ‘undeservingness and create circumstances that allow me to have more freedom of choice my Squad still makes sure that I am provided with a thread that makes me suffer. For instance, there is an additional layer that I call the ‘geographical side-kick’ which makes sure that different places make my life unbearable in different ways. Some of the ‘geographical side-kicks’ ensure different kinds of ‘safetynetless’ or feeling of ‘meritnessless’. The Game of the Squad stays but the rules change from place to place.

I also noticed, that these layers above, also make me be fearful of having any means at all and living without the daily challenges of not having the appropriate resources. Part of the reason is what the Squad tells me: “when you don’t own anything you don’t owe anything” and that “only good people are made suffer so they prove their loyalty to God against all odds” in my grandma’s voice. In return, I can feel like a ‘the heroin enduring all odds’, that somehow makes me feel special and good about myself. How ‘holy’ stupid!

It saddens me deeply to see how much I am ripped off  by my Squad, who actually mean well, when I look at myself and see how many different talents I possess and how small appreciation I allow myself to receive for them. My Squad makes sure of that. Each time I attempt to do something that is meaningful to me, where my talents could be used and a whole lot of appreciation is at sight, my Squad steps in and creates situations whereas I must leave the creative project at once in order to addend to some immediate dramatic occurrence in my life – mostly related to somebody else, because I need to feel good about myself – or it twists and turns events in a manner that I eventually find myself lack of resources that would support me to carry on with my project. Whichever is the case, the aim is that I am stopped and forced to do divert from my course and crawl back to some old and boring.

But my Squad does not end here!

There are a couple of more layers of patterns to make sure if the above layers fail to make me feel miserable, there are others to join forces. There is one, in particular, which is a hard son of a gun. Self-abuse put in the hands of others with which I give others permission to hurt me in different ways. All in the name of being ‘holy good’!

I don’t really have a name for this Squad member because it is a fairly complex one, a regiment within the army. It goes like this:  the regiment somehow makes me use others and circumstances to make sure that I feel disappointed, betrayed, let down, and disrespected.

People, who unknowingly agree playing in my betrayal game, do something that I take as a violation on our friendship and I consider that a betrayal. I don’t exactly understand how it works; it seems that there are some ‘ideals’ that I hold true for myself and when others do not comply with these ideal, I consider their behaviour a betrayal. As a response to my self-ignited disappointment I turn away from these people whom I feel have let me down. I withdraw my care and love for them and move away from them.

In most cases people who do ‘disrespectful’ to me are not ill meaning; they only assume that their behaviour is OK with me because I don’t object. I remember that when I was younger I, at least, screamed and shouted when I was treated bad and to let others know that something was not OK. Not any more, I don’t do or say anything anymore. When it gets too bad, I uproot and leave without saying a word.

This regiment has a subdivision called ‘walk through me’ wearing a signs saying ‘free crossing, walk over me!‘ on its forehead. The way it works is that it simply does not allow me to put down any boundaries around me or to stand up for myself when I need it the most. This ‘boundarilessness’ subdivision forms part of another part of this regiment that I call the ‘suffering cow’. This subdivision orders me to suffer together with others because if I do I can get a bit more of  ‘feeling good about myself’ in some inexplicable and weird way. Therefore, I constantly find myself in situations where I suffer other’s drama without me particularly being involved in them.

Occasionally, I get in these intertwined soap-opera like dramas and allow them to have an impact on me in a way that they transfer me into a place where I feel scared and frozen, not knowing how to exit the situation. I sometimes wonder if it is me who is actually in need of so much drama that is why I attract them or I just feel obliged to stick around for moral support.

However, it is also true to say that I grew up in a family with a whole lot of drama and I remember wondering as a child ‘what does it all have to do with me?’ I used to engage in them more actively by offering creative solutions or even trying to sort them out for different family members. Mostly though, – maybe this is an improvement on my behalf – nowadays, I am rather a witness to others’ pain and anguish and ‘my job’ seems to be reduced to a sufferer via not putting down any boundaries or separating myself from them and their dramas. The whole game is set up until the last bit of detail. My subdivision tells me that I am obliged to stay with these major sufferers through their drama and should allow them to either let it down on me or get away with actions that is hurtful in the name of ‘empathizing’ with their them. At the same time it is allowed that others act disrespectfully and/or abusively with me while suffering their dramas on the grounds of their pain is greater than mine and/or their  previous good ‘deeds’ towards me making me indebted to them.  As a result, I never seem to say “NO, it is just so not OK what you are doing!

They make me feel strong, goooooooooood and superior, though!

Naturally, there is a linking subdivision that is not satisfied until I put others in front of me in satisfying their needs. Others’ needs are always more important than mine. I feel obliged to be the ‘older’ who allows the ‘little other ones’ to take what they need first and then I try and meet my own needs from the left-over. And this is my Big Game, this is how I gain a ‘true’ sense of goodness, strength and superiority’ about myself. I feel that I am a good and strong  person when I support others putting my stuff or my life on the side while they have a go at life  and I don’t say ‘no’ to any of their requests while I am in great need of the most basics of life.

The downside, amongst many, is my relationships that suffer my Self-Abuser Squad the most. By now, they are non-existent.  On the request of my Squad I turn into the leader of my Squad, a harsh officer, who requests the best, perfection, and if we fail to comply, we are doomed and punished harshly. Just to make sure I still stay ‘good’ in all this, I start feeling guilty and blaming myself for not being more patient or understanding with my family and friends. By now, I managed to turn the whole story against me and we are back at where we started: self-abuse.

It is hard to see where it all starts or finishes because all the layers or so called regiments and subdivisions of my Self-Abuser Squad are like a web that nets across my whole existence.

After all the contemplation on my Squad, I arrived to the point where I feel I’ve had enough of trying so hard to be good, tough and superior. After all the awareness that I possess, what is it still about me that make it impossible for me to induce changes that would create some stability in my life and would make my life journey more joyful and less burdensome?

I think I know the answer to that question. It is more important for me to be seen as a ‘good suffering Samaritan and the Heroin’ than to be seen simply ‘happy’. Somehow being happy does not have value to me.

At the end of the day, there is nobody to be good or strong for. The only person who would truly appreciate my goodness and strength is me and this is the person who gets the least of it.

So, the bottom line is HONOUR. Who is going to HONOUR me if I don’t HONOUR myself for who I am instead of what I pretend to be?

On a final note, I am also curious to see what it is that I can finally bring in – after feeling so sorry for myself for decades because of the hardship that I had to endure with my Squad on my back – when I am free and myself again, the real me. I am so excited to know what it is gonna be like and what it is that I will offer, that special something, that unique quality, that I see present so profoundly in all who I consider ‘freed’. I consider these qualities aspects of God that we all individually embody and express in the world – also for God to be able to experience Himself through these qualities. I wish so much to e free to live that quality whatever it maybe. I don’t mind not being ‘very good, strong or superior’ any more!

Never look back

Gen  19: “16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters, Jehovah being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the Plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.24 Then Jehovah rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from Jehovah out of heaven;25 and he overthrew those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.”

What keeps on bringing me back here in the valley of doom and despair?

Each time I look, I became a pillar of salt, back where I started

And still, I keep looking back – but why? What makes it so hard to keep my gaze upon where I am heading; the new life that is waiting for me beyond the horizon

For a long time I thought that it is my family, that they need me and my nation that I can enlighten with my charisma and good deeds

Oh, I know it so well, it is all me, after all. It is only the picture I hold of myself, frozen into a pillar of salt, that I can’t leave behind

The bleeding martyr, the Jean D’Arc inside of me

Who am I if I am not this person who I thought I was? I keep on looking back over my shoulder, holding onto this image I created around myself long ago

Who am I if I am not the statue of Goodness, the saviour of many?

It’s time to take a leap of faith and though the road ahead is not paved just yet, I take that leap without looking back upon what is behind me, focusing merely on what’s ahead even though it is not apparent just yet what it maybe

Who I was does not exist any more, only in my looking-back, who I am is awaiting to be discovered trough my faith in the unknown

pillar of salt

Love is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how most unloving we tend to be during these days. We somehow turned these days from spirit into earth and dust by concentrating on buying pricy presents that would represent loving and care for a loved one or more like, in my opinion, instead of the love and care we could/should actually give to each other.

Most of us manically run around town finding the best and most precious present that would give the feeling to the recipient that she/he is loved. In vain.

Down here, in the dust, there is no such things as Love really. Not in a way as it exists in the Heart of God, anyway. There are only replacement emotions we try and create by either manipulating each other into doing things or being the way we appreciate or try and meet others’ expectations. All in the name of Love. At the end of the day, however, most of us feel empty and unloved.

When Christmas comes, hopes for feeling loved and cared for raise even higher. We have somehow made each other believe along the way that this is the time of year when we make miracles and will love each other in some special way that we have not managed until now. But we can’t deliver, not because we don’t want to but because we simply can’t give something we don’t have. We do not possess the Love we promise to give, especially around Christmas time, because we do not know what that is or we do not remember what it is like.

We buy all the presents to show how much love and care we have for each other but we avoid the very things that may hold, at least, some experiences of Love like standing silently around the Christmas tree, looking in each others’ eyes and noticing God’ Loving presence there looking back at us from every single face as we are seeing beyond all preconceptions and expectations we have for one another that usually prevents us from expressing real Loving for each other.

This time of year is simply a reminder that Love is all around. Though it isn’t in the presents we buy for each other but in each pair of eyes we dare to look into and allow ourselves to be touched by. That is a true experience of Love.

chx tree

Moving on

Feeling stupid. How could I do this to myself? How could I believe for even a second that it will turn out to be great. And it didn’t. I am at one of my worst’s and there is nobody to blame. I have made all the decisions that led me here where I am today. How could I trust that following some feeble dream will make it happen and cause me to feel happy and satisfied? There is no such thing as happiness, there is no fate to trust or follow, and there is no intervening God to stop you or catch you when you fall. You land on your face, just as I have. It is time to shake of the dust of the past ten years, stand up, say a big thank you but no more, thank you … and move over to greener pastures.

The pain of resistance

I heard once that the pain comes from resisting life, resisting living life for what it is. The pain is the price that we pay for wanting something else, complaining for not having what we think we should have while not realizing what we actually have.

Well, I have a bit of an issue with the above.

It is very hard to accept not having 90% of the things/feelings that you wish you had. There is a lot of pain comes with the not having and it does not mean that I don’t notice what I actually have in my life. I am simply aware that the things that usually bring me pleasure and happiness are just not there. I am also aware that there are little things that bring me joy and have entertainment  value for me. Simply in comparison those that miss are way bigger than the ones that are there.

Yes, it is all a matter of how you look at it, half empty or half full. Surely, it is all measured by my limited view on Life but I am not a monk or an enlightened master to judge otherwise. This is my reality and that is just it.

On the other hand I am also clear that I have stopped resisting Life. However, I notice that Life does not tend to like the same things I do. So, I am sad most of the time for not being provided with the nice things in life but rather with the crappy ones that we call educational.

So, I am either angry or sad most of the time and at the end of the day, there is nobody to turn to for consolation.  There is nothing else to do but to accept the reality I created for myself by looking at a half empty glass most of my life. And it may just be an act of resisting Life …


“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” Khalil Gibran
How appropriate! The garden of good and evil*. Between the Earth and the Heavens. I suspect that until one chooses the garden of good and so lives in the garden of evil there is a constant longing for finally entering the other garden and arriving ‘home’. Until then, it but a lot of sadness, the sadness of longing and not having.

*I am using the word without any religious reference.

And So Will I Wonder…?


I lived, but then in living I was feeble in life and
always knew that they would bury me here in the end,
that year piles upon year, clod on clod, stone on stone,
that the body swells and in the cool, maggot-
infested darkness, the naked bone will shiver.
That above, scuttling time is rummaging through my poems
and that I will sink deeper into the ground.
All this I knew. But tell me, the work–did that live on?

by Miklos Radnoti (Hungarian Poet)





“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.”

Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own destinies. However, it is not the truth we are all free to choose our destinies as well as acting upon a sense of freedom or imprisonment.

My imprisonment is about safety. No matter how horrible it may be, I still in some inexplicable way feel safe behind the bars of my self-imposed cell. It feel almost unbearable and no matter how much I hate it, I seem to recreate it.

My imprisonment is a belief that I must bare other people’s cruelty, abuse (mostly verbal) and neglect while I cannot express my needs or feelings because they will not be accepted and/or understood and/or others will make me feel wrong and stupid upon hearing them. They may even laugh at me if they hear what I need if they pay attention at all. I feel like a sacrificial lamb each time I realize that I recreated my prison with my special prisoner or prisoners who act their part impeccably. Obviously, it looks as if I was imposed by a bad-bad and cruel person.

My prisoners are people who usually have a lot of issues with themselves, they have their own inner Nazi punishing them around and making them feel ashamed and guilty all the time. So, in some way, they all in a state of constant self-defense, they are not at all open to hear the other person, what he/she has to say, because they constantly run their own self-inflicted punishment story in their heads what they experience as coming from the other person. So, they do not hear what they other says but what they think the other says which is always about them having done something wrong, so they have to present a proper self-defence story – of which they are thinking about while the other is talking – which prevents them from hearing the other person on the first place. They stay in a parallel universe where the other person is completely closed off and being ignored.

What is the benefit of my imprisonment?

There is nothing I actually need to do. As long as I believe that no matter what I would do or say, people would not respond positively and/or listen to me, I can avoid feeling vulnerable and putting myself out to be hurt. Besides, I have not idea how to say what I need or feel. I can only scream or shout, what I learnt, anyway. I can run away eventually being convinced that that person, again, did not love me or cared about me and the best I could do was getting out of there. Finally, this is the way how I convince myself to be alone – the safest place to be.

How about more responsibility for my freedom? How about not allowing more abuse by expressing me no matter what, letting tears run if needs be, learning to say what is true for me in a way that makes me attract people who can hear me out? How about that?



I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable.

No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me out from all angles. She even asks for my passport once again to scan it in, in case of emergency – I suppose.

She cannot name her sense of discomfort when it comes to me she just feels a strange kind of disease when around me. Does she sense my own feeling of disease? Probably, the more I try and seem regular – so to ease her discomfort – the more uncomfortable she feels.

I should just trust more that what is for me will not pass me and what does that must go.  Since taking care of her only son is my only source of income, I try and play the game, I try walk with her, whatever she needs to feel at ease I try and provide. In vain. It is me who is not at ease with this whole situation.

My only hope is that the boy will like me and will want to spend some time with me. That would probably support her to trust me, at least to a certain degree. Not being able to fit her usual frame of mind regarding people makes her suspicious. I understand. I would be too if it was about my only child.

I wish to be more at ease myself. I don’t trust myself that I can do the normal things, that I can meet her expectations. I know I am responsible and can take care of him, but I am not sure that the things I would do – and would drag him along with me – are the kinds of things that she finds normal. I must find the way to trust that what happens is all OK – for us all.

It may just work out for us all. We may just have great experiences with this situation.

My creation

I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill.  It feels as if God has never existed; hid behind the greatest grey cloud there is. Out of sight, touch, sense, even taste. It is just a splitting headache without a cure.

I am just silly, really. I am such a child. There is no great God, saviour of the poor. It is all ME, no matter how much I try and blame God, the world or others for my gloom and doom. It is all your creation, dear. No doubt about that. This is the saddest bit. I do this crap to myself.

I live a life that occasionally makes me feel suicidal. The only reason why I don’t commit it is that I am too bloody scared of dying, the unknowing and the permanence of it. Death is unchangeable in this state of form. And I am never sure I hate this form enough to lose it forever.

I am an exceptionally creative, musical, accomplished, generally funny and pretty smart person. But you would not know it by looking at my life. I am homeless. Not the general kind of homeless, I don’t live on the street of a big city, I live in other peoples’ homes. I don’t own anything. I travel light. I am constantly on the move. I am unsettled. I am never settled. I may stay at a place for a while but then I move on without any apparent reason; I just don’t like the place anymore, I just have a new idea that takes me a new place, so I move on. I don’t have a job. I have ideas that I try to realize, most of the time, they pay me only enough to move onto the next project and/or to the next location. Then I am broke. Then I get back onto my feet. Then I move on.

Some people tell me that they always dreamt of having a life like mine. Interestingly, I don’t appreciate it that much. I often wish I had some more stability in my life, some firm foundation that is always there, wherever I am, that holds me, takes care of me, caresses me when I need it. Most people live this way. We live in a world where we believe that such a secure  ‘thing’ can be found and it is supposed to be something concrete outside ourselves, a house, a partner, a parent, a child, an investment … you name it. I think, this secure place/person is meant to be inside of oneself.

And this is what I miss. This is why I don’t appreciate about my life. That’s why I am so exhausted all the time. Though, I am not looking for a safe person or place out there anymore. I know better. I still don’t have ‘ it’  inside of me, either. No man’s land. Neither with, nor without. But still not tangible. This life and my position in life, though it may look very care free, it is also very instable and unnerving.

Though I know (I have the experience of it)  that I am always safe, I am not open to experience certain types of experiences that tend to be rather uncomfortable, though I know that freedom and trust in the Universe do come with a lot of discomfort, occasionally. The discomfort comes with the moving about and starting all over again when it is time to accomplish or learn something new. Most people don’t choose the kind of life I live because it can very uncomfortable. I understand them, and in some ways I agree with them. I wish I had known better. When I get very tired of my adventurous life and just want some peace and stability that is when I get low. The spiral goes all the way down to suicide.

Well, if it is all my creation … I wish I could create something more lively and joyous for myself; less hardship, less mistakes, less negative experiences and more ease and fun. I still don’t know how to do that, how to make this journey that is undoubtedly adventurous and interesting more fun and light-hearted …

Please, look at me with more loving eyes so I can love myself more …


Most people, I know, has a demon inside him that either horrifies him or criticize him vigorously.

My demon is a Nazi army officer. She tells me what a stupid and useless person I am, how ridiculous I am, especially, when I try so hard and get nothing at the end. She laughs at me when she sees my trials and errors, when I fall and can hardly make myself stand again.

She is vicious. She gets her buzz from seeing me fail and struggle. She feels powerful by seeing me fall. ‘I told you so!’

For a while I thought, all my troubles and hardship was because of this ruthless world that does not spare anybody where you fight until you basically die of exhaustion. But now I know, that it is not the surrounding world that kills me but the Nazi inside. Though not intentionally.

Nothing stops my inner bitch. She drives me up the wall and squeezes me until I give in, I give up and fall. In some ways, I fight her when I fight the world. I created her to protect me but now she turned on me trying to run my every wake moment, to have control over me.

She scares the hell out of me with her viciousness. She stands behind me with one eyebrow raised, with a barbarous grin on her face. She stands and a waits for me to screw up then she says ‘you see, I told you! Stand up! Rub off the dirt from your trousers and wipe off your tears! No tear is worth it! Be a big girl! Shake off the pain of your failure and move on! Stop being so sensitive and earnest! Only the toughest and meanest can survive this plane! Get a grip on yourself!’

That’s when I get angry with myself. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known better, I shouldn’t have tried, I should have listened to her when she said, ‘this world will give you nothing, your dreams are like an odour in the wind will be blown away each time you remember them. You better forget them. Look at the harsh reality of your existence and accept it for what it is: Misery.’

Actually, she tries to protect me from failure, but eventually she only makes me miserable and feel like a total failure, who may seem tough in the world, but at the end of the day, is only a scared child.

And this is the other person inside, this wallflower. This lost child, without any sense of direction on her own but with lots of curiosity and oodles of fun.

They don’t get along and I feel schizophrenic. One says, ‘let’s go, let’s give it a try, let’s discover the world and have lots of fun with it, while the other stands there grim faced with a shadow hanging above her saying ‘go and see how the world destroys you, my child!’

And this goes on every day, I live in constant contradictions. I am either high and hyper or low and miserable depending on which personality of mine is having her day.

Victim of abuse

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why.

Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being a victim, I simply can’t handle it, I can’t get it out of my mind. Each time ’it’ occurs, I become a victim and I run – even if there is nowhere to run, I feel like running away, immediately, out of the situation that I can’t handle or resolve. I suddenly feel responsible for what is happening but I don’t seem to be able to change it, change how we feel or how I act.

I suspect it has something to do with my ’self image’. As soon as I am out of my comfort zone, I do something; I act in some way that urges others to protest against me. They say, I make them feel stressed, I generate some ’heat’ that makes them react. Honestly, I don’t see how I am doing it. This is the victimization bit. My reasoning is that I must hold an image about myself who is ’difficult’ and/or difficult to live with or get along with. I heard this more often than not.

Actually it does not matter who’s right, if my reasoning is just or not. At the end of the day, it is as simple as that – I can’t change the way I am, I am not aware of my ’wrong doings’, I don’t consider them ’wrong doings’.  My preference is simply living with, being surrounded with, working with, co-habiting with – you name it –  people who just like me the way I am, with all my ’wrong doings’, with the heat I generate. With people who care about me enough to see and feel that I am stressed, that I am out of my wits and that I need something else rather  than being scolded and being victimized. I prefer being alone than being surrounded with people who ’don’t like my ways’ and don’t care about me.

Somehow, suddenly, it seems that if we all moved on when felt ’victimized’,  towards people who actually liked us and cared about us – if we could believe that there is somebody out there who loved us just as we are – we would not feel so bad about ourselves. Only if we had the courage to challenge our basic beliefs about ourselves, then we would move on; we would get free.

I probably would not be so angry all the time. I would not feel abused all the time.

I fell in Love

I fell in Love with God
A long, long time ago.
Our relationship is like most
Old couples’;

I am grumpy when I feel let down
And He is forever forgiving
Towards all my flaws.
The passion has deceased

Still our Love is burning
In flames,
As we look at each other and I
Realize how marvellous I am in His eyes.


Today is Epiphany

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”) is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe breakthrough scientific, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realization allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective.



Living who I TRULY am is my Service to God and To all His children I ever meet in this course of life This way I am a living example of his Loving – for us all His loving is expressed in the form through our living our True-Self And it always looks ‘different’ with every single one of us You are just as special – a unique expression of God – as myself Please, let’s remind ourselves of that … often!