Lost lamb

You act like a lost lamb, selfish and kicking. It makes me defensive. You take up all the space available while you pretend to be small and fragile. I am big and still fit a rabbit hole.

Things are not the way they seem.

Often the one that cries the most is the one who is provided the most. The thin, steel frame can take much more weight than a stone wall.

Love and care

With time I realized when we truly love and care for ourselves, when we are honest about ourselves and our desires that it is when we love the other.  There is no blockage. Our inner light cradles the other. (IK)


I remember now that feeling I felt the first time I came to America. Loneliness. It is the land of the lonely hunters. What is funny that though family and community is valued and maintained naturally the sense of loneliness creeps in because one must prove himself worthy here. It is the culture of image; one must confirm that you are worthwhile being part of the ‘free’. This land was made by the brave at heart. The forefathers were not weak at the knees when it came to looking deep into the eye of another and pick a fight. This is the land of the famous; Hollywood; where the show us what you can do’ slogan is from. One must provide evidence that he is valuable member of this gang.

It is no easy task and a rather solitary one since the whole world is in competition around you. One must stand the fight, beat all competition and stand with the trophy of the winner. One must be better than the other, the worthless. There is always an opponent to fight, like it has always been; a revolution for independence or against a named enemy.

When are you gonna be good enough so to stop the fight?

My old and new package

I allow you to stand in front of me and around me to block me from the Light of Life. It is not your fault. Nor is it really mine.  Still it is my life. I learnt early on that my existence has only worth to it if I pretend to be the mature one, the one who takes care of the others. Thought it seems like it, it was not really my own choice. It was the best response I found to an uncaring and unloving world that surrounded me at the time.

I checked out what my surroundings was lacking and realized they raved for care and attention, they needed an all-encompassing mum-figure (La Mamma), the guide who knows the answers, who bares all burdens, who does not ask questions and who is always there for others. I pretended I knew the answers. I pretended I strong and capable. I pretended I am  unbreakable. I became somebody needed. And so in return I expected to receive the care and love I needed for my survival. I became a care-taker (giver). When I got older and more sophisticated I changed the word from a caretaker to a world-saviour. It definitely sounded more glamorous!

However, deep inside of me, the question popped up repeatedly: Why am I doing this? It really gives me know pleasure whatsoever! It is extremely tiring and I don’t really care for the well-being of humanity. Honestly, we are our own saviours, so it is really not my job.

It was choking me. I became angrier and angrier, more and more frustrated and isolated with the time and effort I put into saving the doomed. In spite of all this, I could not put it to rest, I could not stop taking more care of others than of myself. (Meanwhile, obviously, expecting others to take care of me!)

The other evidence of of my clever bearings was the numerous childish  people in my life with an irresponsible demeanour; people who did not want to grow up, who did not want to take any responsibility for their own fate but blame others for their misfortune. Merely because I perceived them as incapable and harmful, I constantly tried to protect them and save them from their own selves and mine or tired to manipulate them into change their thinking and behaviour. Exhausting!

Another addition to this pattern of mine was my own childlike nature that was pushed aside, down into the corner and made to grow up early on. That is the part of me who was constantly sulking and upset for not having been allowed to play and have a good time. Partly because of my other, the parent side that was called for being on guard and alert to make sure everything was going according to plans all the time.

Frankly, I am just a kid myself. I adopted these ways of ‘adult’ behaviour and in the meantime forgot what it was like being a kid.

Slowly the wall closed down around me creating an iceberg, inside of which only the tip was left on sight. I started to give my full attention to taking care of others and protecting myself from abuse of my offerings.  It eventually consumed the quality of my life.

I can run this show all the time. It keeps me angry, disconnected and discontented. However, familiar.

So now, I have packed it all up into an old, brown suitcase. I am shipping this off, today, to Neverland and leave it there to disseminate in the valley of time and space.

I am ready for a change. I am expecting a new parcel from Wonderland.

My playmate

I don’t believe in love – neither at first nor at second sight.

I do clinging, attachment, dependency and then the opposite. I used to call it love. I learnt that being in love with another is a strong feeling of needing the other; a feeling that I can rely on him, he would care for me, take care of me.

Then I wondered if it was real love.

As I grew older I became more and more independent and self reliant I started not to need anybody any more. So I wondered if I will ever be in love another time this way. Probably not.

It all made me think of what I really want out of a relationship. Soon it downed on me. Like in my childhood, I only needed a mate, a special mate. Not a soul mate, rather a playmate.

Somebody I can spend fun time with; who makes me smile; someone to share with, someone to dance with, to have different experiences with – and all these sorts of things.

I don’t need anybody – I just want a great mate to play with! 🙂

Your words and my colours

Letters and words like clouds hang above our heads. You verbalize. You have a story to tell. You analyze. You think. You contemplate.I wonder.

I don’t know what to do with the words you throw at me. Your letters roll down on me like summer rain.

Your words are like my anger; a thick wall that penetrates the space between us. I don’t hear you. You don’t feel me.

Everything is conscious, well-thought, rounded and to me unnatural.

I live in a world of colours and shades. I touch them, I smell them, I hear them call me with their little songs. I slide through air of the senses. Words mean nothing to me.

And here I am putting all this into words …

We live in different worlds

You meant no harm, actually you wanted to protect me when you started to drag me into your world.

You told me about a scary world of goods and bads and wanted me to be safe by knowing what you know, for sure.

I don’t live in your world. I live in mine.
It is not any better or worse, it is just different. I have different issues to handle and different colours and shades to tackle.

It took me quite some time not to settle with anybody else’s world but find mine. We all have our observations based upon the beliefs we are brought up with. I have my own. Still I managed to find some wholes where to peek into another world. I know no more or less than anybody else, I just know differently.

I prefer my personal view to adopting to someone else’s.

Thank you for caring enough.
I go my way.

Good or bad?

I wonder what it is like for you
Being so good an all.
You hold your head high
Smile like you were taught
Do the right things, ask the right questions
Make sure life is the way it is expected to be.

As a young girl I though I was a miracle.
I thought I was light in the dark.
I did not think of right or wrong, good or bad
I was who I am.

Then new wind started to blow
I was told I was bad because what I had done
Then suddenly I was praised for something else
I got lost
One thing I new for sure
These people make sure I am alive – they feed me and shelter me
I’d better be ‘good’

But no matter how hard I tried
I could never get it right – what I thought I did well, others always thought otherwise
So, I realized, it is easier to be bad
It was much simple to figure: there was always something somebody did not like about what I did or said -I did not even have to try too hard

I thought I won the game.
I thought I did not care any more.

I got the attention I wanted, only with a negative sign.

Good girls and bad girls are the same breed.
We both want attention, especially from a specific person.
We both pretend to be somebody else.
We both give up our authenticity in return for attention and care (love).

We despise the other,
Because we make each other look ridiculous in our great efforts for attention.

What’s with attachment?

I thought attachment went only one way
Me attached to you.
I need you (for whatever reasons), so I attach myself to you;
I love you and in return you love me. Clean cut.
Actually, there is a cleaver way of attachment –
Making sure that something or somebody is attached to me,
In need of me.
It seems I am detached and free but this is not the case:
In reality, it encapsulates two needs in one
The need to be needed –
being loved as a result of being needed.

And the trick is that my need to be needed is fulfilled,
Cleverly hidden behind the others’ attachment to me.

When I dance

When I dance
The world opens up and swings with me
I float in air
Like floating in water
My body becomes weightless
I stand like a princess on her wedding day
Tall, slim and spectacular.

When I dance
I slide an inch above ground
I am embraced by the arms of the beholder
I feel swished over the dance floor
In one silver swing

When I dance
I am part of the music
My body absorbs the notes
Makes them part of my bone and muscle structure
My mind goes on holiday
My body moves directed by the notes of the song

When I dance
I am free

The meaning of control

You let me down. Again and again. Fear set in. And so I thought , I must make sure you can’t let me down again. I took the sceptre and made myself king of the tribe. I raised my voice. I grew up quickly. I put on weight to adopt greatness and leadership. I had no idea what I was doing but at least I knew I won’t be let down again. I took all the burdens and responsiblity like good shepherd would do. I lost trust. I asked for no support. I became self-sufficient. I lost connection. I became tough, demanding, judging and loveless. Ease disappeared. I made sure life is run the way I think it should be.

I gained control.


It is not my job

It is not my job to tell you
How to live your life
I don’t even know how to live mine.

It is not my job to tell you
You are making a mistake
You will figure it out for yourself soon enough.

It is not my job.
What a relief,
That it is not my job.

It maybe somebody else’s but mine

It took me such a long time to understand that you resist
Not because of the information I present you with
But because it comes from me.

Because you knew better than I did
that this was not my job.
I took the job on in my deepest desperation
and you felt that my conduct was not coming from loving
but from my fear of loosing control.

But now I know
It is not my job
and never will be again.

We can be free in our relationship.


Frightened girls

What is the child posture for you,
It is the red face of the bitter anger for me.
What hinders us is our greatest treasure
The wall we created between us and the world
To be protected in times of danger

Please don’t hurt me, I am just a girl – you scream
My demon takes on the world with an awe
And tries to scare what scares her

It is just fear disguised
We are both just frightened little creatures
Who found no shelter when needed it the most

We took shelter and prison in behaviours that served us the most
Some day, a long time ago
We forgot quickly who we were
Now, trying to find the way back Home
To ourselves; the courage, joy and strength of our true identity.

G r o w

You don’t allow yourself to grow!
You withhold the food that would nurture and nourish you into maturity
You don’t allow your child’s body to grow into a woman’s figure
You stop yourself launching yourself into the deep end of  life
The world is a scary place for a little girl like you

Run, mum’s waiting at the door …

There is only now

I am constantly in waiting – waiting for some change to occur so my life becomes magically fancy, happy and glamorous.

I am waiting for my excess weight to disappear; that I just suddenly stop judging other and myself; to be happier and more contented – whatever that makes life more meaningful.

Suddenly it downed on me – that’s what’s all there is; there is nothing and nobody else to wait for.

This is MY LIFE, just as it is – with all the extra weight screaming back at me in the mirror; with the people who fill my life with content; the feelings of homelessness and meaninglessness; the family where I don’t belong and that I still carry like a torch; the heat, the cold and the rest in between … all of it is just is.

There is nothing before or after what is here now.

This is what I got in this lifetime, in this moment – I’d better learn to live with them.

The sooner, the better – because they ain’t gonna go away any time soon.

Yes, you can ‘not like it’, still you’d better get used to the idea that there is no man who should be here, who isn’t here now; that there is no weight loss that is not apparent right now; there is no job, money, career, enlightenment or whatever you dream of and miss now that you need to wait for – if it is not in the now.

There is only now.

You’d better catch up because life speeds by while you’re crying about your unmet needs in your sleeps.

Wake up! Wake up!

The present is knocking on your door.

This is nothing but a chance – to be present,

There is nothing to wait for,

But to embrace it all,

Just as it is – there is nothing else,

There is only now.


My needs

As long as you are here

You are taking up all the space

There is not much left for me

You are needy

You can’t do it alone

I can

I find my answers

And can ask my questions

When I am ready to hear the answers

My needs are met without me asking for anything

I am cared for with natural ease

Through the Love of All Life



A bad halt again.

I am stuck.

Nothing seems to have happened still anger and frustration set in not allowing me to move on. I am being held captive in my own net of brain waves.

Nothing I can do. She is in resistance.

Well, it is a great opportunity to be a patient mum with my kid who is not willing to eat the breakfast cereal. I am waiting patiently for her to open her little mouth and take the first bite. And the next one …


My personal wall

My personally built wall that I placed between you and me is made of anger and bitterness.

I feel that you let me down at that very time I needed you the most. And now you ask me to trust your guidance and presence. You ask me to rely on your word as something greater than life itself.

I built the wall when you were not there. I built it so to protect myself because there was nobody there to protect me and the world was upon me to get me.

This wall is made of all the pain and anguish I experienced while standing alone and helpless in a cruel world you descended me into.

My wall is firm and protective – and preventive. It protects me from a world that once tried to diminish me. It is unbreakable. It prevents all that is outside of it from entering into my personal space.

You are locked out as well.

Though I have started to take the wall down brick by brick and started building something more lasting; still, I must say,  the wall that once protected me is still there, somewhere, intact. I bring it back to life as soon as I feel forgotten and lonely in a dark world of shame and anger.

I know you are ever there; sometimes I just don’t see you.
You say we have an ever lasting connection; sometimes I just don’t feel it.

I am building a bridge over this wall of mine; sometimes hopelessly slowly.
My faith is weak and lets me down when I still believe that you were not there when I needed you … probably you were and it was all just a bad dream…


Oh mind you carry on your back

Your actions like a heavy sack.

No wonder that your shoulders ache

Another strain’s enough to break

Your neck

So drop this stupid load.

This is the last stop on the road where you can find rest

Stay, be Love’s guest.

Translated by Robert Bly

Come with me!

Tired of the load we carry.
I worry too much.
You try too hard.

Lets ease up!
Lets have fun!
Lets forget about the pains of this world and move to greener pastures!

Come with me, dear friend!

Mirrors of chances

You wait for a chance of maturity.
I wait for a moment of innocence.

I see the offerings now.
Your childlike enthusiasm drives me nuts.
I don’t believe in fairy tales any more.
Maybe, I never did.
My childhood passed in an instant.
I hardly noticed.
Yours never ended.

I learnt to tackle the world too soon.
You are still finding your own voice to speak up.
Like mirrors of great chances, we stand in front of each other,
reflecting possibilities for a new a beginning.

I ease.
You mature.

We move on.


My chains are pulling me down.

I wish I could fly the great open skies, the vast planes,

the Universe.

But my wings are too weak to carry the magnet dish

attached to the end of my metal chains.

I am struggling like a captured bird in a trap,


waiting for the pull to loosen,

for the chains to lighten,

for grace’s embrace,

for ascension.

You lied!

This reminds me so much of my past. Looking at her as she is reading her books, nodding over a page cross legged and hunched making notes.

It reminds me of the people who once told me how to live my life. People who were reading about life from books, not knowing really what they were talking about. They quoted lines from famous writers, Dostojevski, Tolstoj or Schiller. But they did not really have a clue because they never had an experience any of the things they were reading about. Their lives were sheltered and boxed into little, grey cubicles. They only knew one thing for certain; how to avoid making waves on the surface of the great water.

They made it look all so real. They gave hints. They made rules. They made corrections. They bossed around. They pushed. They squashed. They fooled me.

I read the books myself, I watched them and listened to their preaches for as long as I could bare it. But it did not work.

They lied. They pretended to know how to live life. But I could not believe them any more.  I realized, they looked fake and out of touch. I looked at what they said and what they did, and the two just did not match. I felt foolish. How could I have allowed to be deceived by all these obvious lies.

Finally,  I stood up and went on my way to find it out myself what this whole thing called Life was really about. I found my way. I am grateful.

Much much time later I understood that they had not lied with ill intention. They really had not know any better.

The little girl in a big shoe

She is funny. She needs to do something she has no idea how to do, and so she remembers how the adults would do it and imitates them. But the shoe is still too big for her.

It is truly very funny. She is just so out of place and her behaviour is so unnatural. It makes the whole picture grotesque and slightly weird as she is stumbling clumsily in those big things.

She is nevertheless sweet in each and every moment of it.

As I am looking at her, she reminds me of a little girl of about 3 or 4 pretending to be mummy talking to an older sibling. Her little skirt is twisted around her waist as she puts her hands on her hips just like her mum would do. She wants to make sure she will have the same effect mummy does when she is serious about her business.

Her small feet flip and flop around the place as she makes sure all is done, sorted, arranged as requested and planned.

She is a good girl so she’s promised to be.

I wish

I wish I could just stop judging,
Thinking that I know better,
That I am aware of something nobody else is
That the way I see Life is the only way to see it

I wish I could stop wishing
That others lived their lives according to my standards or ideals

I wish I could just see others’ lives and deeds
As a great opportunity to learn new ways
Or see things differently

But no, I am encapsulated in my own little prison
Of judgement
That does not allow much room for compassion or openness.

I wish I felt OK with myself and
I won’t have the need to judge anybody
in order to feel better about myself.

Loss and gain (two film reviews)

And so she is pregnant. It happened at the most unpropitious time of her life. She has just about decided (finally)to live his disillusioned and abusive husband – now that she has managed to hide enough money away from him to finance her escape. And so it is. On top of it all, her favourite doctor retires and leaves a neurotic big-city fellow as a replacement. And there is this old chap who owns the diner of pies and the torn lives of four people: three waitresses with different love-interest miseries and a pregnancy issue and a cook of small fate, with not much kindness or a smile but a huge heart.

The film revolves around the lives of these people and their side-bones for 9 months, until Lulu is born.

This film is an adventure from loss, misery and hopelessness to friendship, love, hope and more. And it all started with one single unfortunate event: an unwanted pregnancy.

You never know which road leads to the places you originally wanted to arrive to.

(waitress 2007)


She has been drunk for days. His man left her with four girls and a neighbour with a crash on her. She is devastated. She sees no way out but drowning her misery into vodka and gin. And she’s got company, a man with a misery of his own; an ex-pro baseball player turned into a low-class DJ. And so, they hit it off just for the sake of having company to share their doom and gloom with. And there are the girls with issues on their own; growing up, getting married, finishing college and meeting their first love.

The film encapsulates three years of their lives, of their journey of discovering that an event that originally seemed like an unbearable twist of fate may just be the greatest blessing of their lives.

You must have faith, that life sometimes hides its most precious treasures behind a poison ivy.

(the upside of anger 2005)

Smudging your mirror dirty

It must remind you the day he waltzed into your lives. He entered without knocking or asking if it was all right to stay the night.

At first you must have been delighted to welcome the newcomer and thought he came with good intent and prepared. But too soon you realized that you were hosting the devil.

Your little world of two was shaken forever and you learnt to take care of yourself and another so to ensure your safety. And it is only reasonable that from then onwards, you wanted to know for sure what the next moment brings before it arrives and so be prepared.

I don’t blame you. I probably would have responded the same way; wanting to find a secure way of existence that protects all who you love, making lists, building walls, figuring out others’ thoughts before they were even conceived.

Though job!

Fear like thorns wear your skin off. You must also be very tired of making sure everything is in order, nobody gets upset or nobody gets hurt.

I am sorry for smudging your mirror dirty. It is probably my job.

I can’t live imprisoned in somebody else’s world

I don’t do the things you do. You like perfection and surround yourself with clarity and vision.

I am massy and immaculate. I like the deep and the wild. Me, I am full of wounds like stamps of my adventurous soul. I go for the trip and take what comes with it.

You prefer preparation and safety.

We are only different in our approaches but coming from the same source. None is better than the other. I am sure I have plenty to take on of what you can offer.

Still, I can’t obey your rules because they have no meaning to me. I prefer being the way I am.

Nevertheless, I will always respect your needs and hold you requests intact.

But, do you see? I am writhing in the safety nets you put out for yourself. And what supports you, suffocates me.

Ps. … just a thought  – it somehow does not look like your own prison; you seem to have settled for somebody else’s!


It was just so easy. I can still hardly believe it!

I just made the call.

Note: it took me two days to get there. I spent two days in doom and gloom, not having faith at all that it can turn out to be all right.

She was kind, easy, responsive, courteous, customer oriented – as she was following the rules of the big book of perfection.

I got my smile back to my face after two days of misery I had sentenced myself suffering by simply refusing to see the greater picture. I assumed that Life hates me and wants to take my little toy away from me. I thinking in terms of loss rather than faith; faith in the making of all things.

I hope that I will always remember this moment, and hold it as a reference point for the future – I am not meant to be punished or deprived of my little pleasures and joys of Life. I may just be asked to let go of my little detachments of how Life should look like.

This time I was simply tested of how far I have come. And I failed gravely.  I am attahced as ever to my little toys and grant ideas of a perfect life.

At the same time, what happened made me think about ease&grace. I heard so much about it and still it is something that I don’t know too much about. I dont know what it means living with ease&grace. I know of hardship, working things out, finding it out and carry it all on your own.

I wonder how could life appear to be easier and lighter?

*Ask questions! Learn about something before you lunch yourself into it!

**Ok, what kind of a question would I ask? I don’t have a question to ask.

Sadly I realized that I had stopped asking questions. At a time when I realized that there is nobody to answer my questions. And it must have been trillions of ages ago.

And so I became self-sufficient. Like the song goes I listed to so many times as a small child – “Rock yourself to sleep, rock yourself to sleep; there is nobody around to rock you, so rock yourself to sleep …”

I don’t have questions to ask because I don’t form them any more. I have all the answers, or if I don’t, I will have them when I get there where I need them.

Some would say I have a lot of faith in life. But this is not the case. It is not that I believe in anything but that I just know that I will solve all issues that I ever encounter. I can always rely on myself. I learnt to ‘rock myslef to sleep’ early on.

Hard, hard, hard.

Complicated, complicated, complicated.

Self-sufficient, self-sufficient, self-sufficient.

So, now, lets me think – what question could I ask, hm?


Doom and glory

Is it really necessary to be so conscious about life? Where does wonder set in if I am constantly thinking about what is happening in my life and considering what the meaning of that is happening while hoping to take the learning from them. Well, quite tiring.

I am so aware of myself, my environment, the things that happen in my life. I think about them, I consider them, I try and learn from them all the time – so to change the way I live, I think, I respond, the way I look … in vain.

I am not able to change anything. Am I meant to?

I am done and can’t be undone. Whatever I grew up to be, I am. The way I learnt to do things will never get unlearnt or changed. I can – with great efforts – learn and control my responses to stimuli that come from my environment but honestly I am not succeeding very well.

On this level I am easy to figure out. When in pain I am angry. I am in pain because I don’t agree, I am opinionated, I know better, it is not going the way I think it should or my toy is taken away from me. What else is there to think about?

It is a shift not a change. The way I am set up cannot be undone. The clever ones learn to control themselves and put a new suit on. I don’t seem to fit in any new garments. The one I am wearing is too heavy just as it is.

Who I am cannot be thought about. She has no quality to consider.

I either get the chance to be that who I am, or I am doomed to wear this old cloak off and get to replace it to a new one eventually.

I am still hoping for the shift from doom to glory – for my personal redemption.

no more letting go

Please, don’t ask for more to let go of

I don’t have anything else to give and

whatever I still ’own’ please let me have them just a little longer

You can take all my burdens

You can take all my pain

You can take all my tears

Please, let me have some of my toys and joys

For a little longer

Just a little longer

Let me have some of the playful stuff of this creation

Just for fun

Just for fun

Just for fun

The taxi man

He arrived, opened the boot of the car. I asked if he was the taxi-man. He did not get it. Then I said it – You are the taxi driver, aren’t you?. He said yes and approached me for my luggage. I looked into his deep brown eyes as he was taking the luggage from me and knew that I was safe with him. His car was clean and full of classical music. After a bit of chit-chat we stayed in silence that we shared all the way to the airport. He was kind and courteous in his good-byes and grateful for my small tip.


There are the moments when I realize that I am a Hu-Man being and that God is ever present in my life, somewhere in there, wrapped up in the most unexpected ‘places’ waiting to be experienced.


I am having EXPERIENCES again!

Overweight charges on top of the luggage price. It is just sooooo UNFAIR! And hey, the sweetest thing about the whole nightmare experience of a ruthless official was my encounter with another official, a security man with the deepest and the warmest brown eyes.

As I was passing through security still encapsulated in my thoughts and hurt feelings around unfair treatment I just had, the security man stopped me and asked me how I was doing. In general, I just respond with the usual sentence as most Americans do ‘I-am-good-how-are-you?’ but this time I felt that he actually wanted to know how I was feeling. I looked up and said ‘I am feeling very angry’. He asked ‘Why?’ all the time looking into my eyes, holding my gaze with his warm, kind look in his eyes. ‘Overweight charges’, I said looking pretty helpless and on the verge of crying. He said, ‘Don’t let it get to you! Just let it get to you!’ And that was it, the wake-up call from my usual anger-cycle. ‘Yes’, I said, I just breath deep and let it go. Thank you!’ He smiled and guided me towards the security gate. I must have been still in some kind of a sock because it took me ages to take my bracelet off that had kicked the security alarm off so to be able to pass the gate. And all this time, he was standing there like a gargoyle holding me without an embrace.

I thought about the whole previous overweight charge incident again but I could not bring myself to being angry again. It was over ridden by a new experience of kindness and care.

I was spared from temtation and delivered from evil.

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. for ever and ever. Amen

My many different faces

Today I am a beautiful woman. I feel desired and the mirror likes me. When I am like this I know I can get what I want through being desirous. I tempt my pray into my huge spider web and twist his weakness around my finger like a thin piece of thread. I get what I want. And the price I pray is that I lost him for good since he did not give out of his generous heart but only gave into my temptressness.

When I am a sweet child I don’t even need to ask for anything. The world around me stands still waiting for my command. This lovely and charming face of a child covers the face of terror and helplessness begging for mercy and protection. I find my shelter and a sense of security by curling into the loosely-clasped embrace of his gently arms.

Oh, I am tough! The look of my eye pierces through your defences. You are at my mercy. I grab you by your guts and would not release you until I am done with you. You are my pray. I determine your fate, your course of actions. You are ready at my demand, holding your breath – I am keeping you at bay.

Come on! Disobey me!

You drive me crazy with your obedience. Why don’t you say NO to me? At least once? Why don’t you disobey me? Tell me I am wrong; that you don’t agree; that I shouldn’t do it that way because it brings me a downfall. Tell me off! Raise your voice! Let me hear you! Come on, disobey me! Say NO!

Have you done what I asked you to do, why haven’t you?

An ‘I know it all!’ morning

It is so silly! Why would want to do it that way? It makes no sense! Let me tell you how it is done properly.

Oh dear, life is not meant to be lived that way. Let me explain you!

No, no! You completely misunderstand the text. Let me enlighten you!

Come on! I know it all! All, better than any body else, don’t I?


When in silence one notices the constant chatter of the mind that is voiced during chatter – aimless and meaningless stream of words trying to appear in a context. (ik)


The couple arrived. Young and quirky. Self-confident and successful. They know what they want. They can relate to the world and fit in. They are everything I am not – of this world: sorted, jobs, life, car, the house, the children, the marriage, the smile and THE happiness. I detested them. I don’t have what they have. And probably never will have any of them. They have ‘security’.

I noticed how I try and make my life sound exciting so I won’t stay behind. I try and find something they may not have that would ‘win’ the ‘contest’. I found one. I have freedom. The freedom of packing up and going to another place if I don’t like the one I am living right now. The freedom that seemingly has no attachments to anything or anybody. Though I only make it appear that way.

Honestly I am simply lost. I am lost in time and space, I don’t know where this journey, that I have set myself upon, will take me, if it does at all.

I would like to appear in a certain way, like I did before, like the military lady; hardcore all together, sorted even in the mist of confusion; two feed on the ground uncompromising. She reminded of myself so much. No questions asked but go on with your duties. Discipline and rules. Tough, hardened skin with a kind and vulnerable heart underneath it.

But today, none of it is true any more. Probably it has never been. It has always been about appearances, hiding all that is not acceptable, taking on what is expected and being tamed.

So here I am without appearances and feeling lost. And sill I know, it is much better to be lost because in being lost at least there is a chance to find myself; whereas being on a set path would always be about appearances.

I prefer the road less travelled – fearsome but awesome!

Illness or opportunity?

Too much illness! Too much thinking about illness and focus on related issues like fundraising. Instead of looking beyond the illness itself – what does it present me with? What options or learning are there in there for me? What did it offer to my family and myself?

I am not trying to be clever here. I had some experience with it in my own family and observed it with others as well.

Most of us fight cancer like we fight terrorism – none of them really exists beyond our own mind and imagination.

The bad that causes the trouble, the illness, is inside of us all. There is nothing out there to fight but to heal – and that wouldn’t work with ‘guns’ in our hands, would it?

Healing comes with looking at what is going on. There are so many inspiring people in world who have done that to show and to prove that the only way is to retreat, look inside and cradle what needs to be healed in a unique way that is only true for the individual him/herself.

The question is not surviving it, but learning from it – at least this is what I observed with people (most of them did recover) who inspired me with the way they treated their illness. They all took the inner way. And if they passed on, they passed with grace and peace. Those who stayed changed their lives forever from the core.

Life’s mysteries!

What would you give in return?

It is not your time!
Hold back!
Try and fit in!
Worry if what you do is good enough!
Think hard – is there anything else you could do to make it better, to ease the craze?
Hide away!
Become invisible!
What do you expect in return? Safety? Security?
Just forget about it!
It is still not your time!

The visit

Her house is in the prairie. Or in the woods more like. Surrounded by acres of woods, well mowed lawn and a lake. A huge house empty, waiting to be filled with joy and laughter again – as it used to be.

Talk of travels and the journey. Wordless contemplation on how to be flow like the wine. As the fire burs beyond the stove on a chilled June evening.

Photos of different cities, of people caught in the moment are all remembrances of past times. Colours, smiles, experiences – all in a huge pile of lides.

Then a few moment of exhibiting art. And I am taken by the flood of emotions: how much I love these creations of mine! My little babies. And how well pleased I am when they are surrounded by kind words of appreciation, wide-open eyes of wonder and smiles.

It’s way worth it!

I said my good-byes

Today I remembered the funeral again …

The tears, that were running down my face as I was looking at the casket of the man I had never met inhis life, were clearing my soul.

Still he looked all so familiar. And I felt grateful.

Suddenly I was taken aback to the funerals that meant the most to me so far; the hastened saying good-byes to the two people I loved and cared for the most so far in my life.

As I was listening to the ministers’ sermon I could say my good-byes for real this time. I was not ready the first time and I wasn’t really present at the second time either. I was too young. I was too much in pain.

But this time I was there – body, mind and soul.

I said my prayers.

I said my good-byes.

I let them go.

God Bless you beautiful people who touched my life in many beautiful ways. I am grateful for your presence and contribution to my journey.

(The man next to me in the back turned to me, smiled and said: “Your drawing are beautiful. If you are not an artist, you should be one …”)

Half-closed eyes

In constant fight with the world; with one person, with the system whatever the inner tension meets. Built up insecurities hunt the tired mind to take control and put this messed up world right. In vain. Exhaustion takes the places of all smiles and the passion that once started the busyness. This keenness serves nobody because it is for the sake of its own self. It brings satisfaction to nobody; it eats all that used to be the meaning of all of these alive, leaving nothing but worn out existence and half-closed eyes behind.


Observing what there is
Being OK with what others think or do
See what the situation has on offer for me
Taking the offering
Letting be
Staying still

Walking on water

Shut down and functional vs sunbeams

As soon as I hit the doors of the lower world, verily it makes sure I have an impact.
I immediately start to shut down. I can’t maintain my openness, kindness, joyfulness any more. Fear sets in. Fear of being ridiculed, misunderstood and then hurt.
I shake myself, take a big breath and become functional. I become helpful beyond what is comfortable or healthy. I offer my advice, I offer myself. No boundaries intact.
And I start pushing it in helpless desperation.
And on and on and on …

The good news is that I don’t shut down completely any more, only partially.
The door is always ajar now.
I live it open for the momentary sunshine to beam in – in case it passes by.

And so it does. The Sun never stop shining down on the sinner. I just forget, I don’t remember to notice it in my dark little whole I live in.
But the beams break their way through my toughest walls and shine on me again.

I am not left alone in my darkness any more.


No time for living but functioning
Quick reactions to apparent impulses
Hurt to hurt, ashes to ashes
All make sacrifices for one another
This time they care for one another so deeply that the connection becomes a heavy chain
Fear runs the trapped soul into careless actions
In her pain and anguish the scattered moments and word splash and hit back like a boomerang.

Vermont’s 19 seasons

I think it is just really sweet …
Early Spring
This is the start of our seasons page, bud season – a time when winter snows have faded away and it seems like any day now there should be some sign of life out in the garden. A time to plant your seeds (indoors) and rake up the winter’s mess. A time of hope and of much patience.

Flower season is the magical time after endless weeks of spring rain, when the sun arrives displaying all the tiny leaves on the trees, the crocuses have sprouted, lilacs scent the air and wave after wave of flowers pop their heads above ground and burst into flames of red yellow and orange, reminding us why we live in Vermont.

Apple Blossom season
Endless days of clear blue skies (at least two days), fresh air and row after row after row – acre after acre of white and slightly pink or yellow flowers, blooming ever so briefly before dropping off to the ground to mix with the new grass and the dandelions. The abundance of this season is truly amazing.

Berry season
Strawberry, raspberry, blueberry and more, all grow and fruit, all too soon for us to pick. So we invite people from near and far to come help pick the berries! There are many pick-your-own farm stands in and around the area. The taste of really fresh berries has no comparison, their freshness only lasts a few hours so get here early.

Air Conditioning season – Summer
Spring passes far too quickly and during a few weeks in July and August, we drag out the fans from the basement, call the car dealers to ask how much air conditioning would cost to be installed and finally take the flannel sheets and down comforters off the bed. This time of year is also…

Swimming season
Ahhh, the wonder of a cold mountain stream (I wonder how long I can stand it ;). The abundance and variety of lovely swimming holes in Vermont is truly amazing, trouble is they don’t warm up till mid summer. But then when its really hot out we go swimming, usually in birthday suits :O

Revenge of the Zucchini or Too Many Tomatoes, season
Our gardens are overflowing. Tomatoes line every windowsill and zucchini spread beyond the garden and hinder the lawn mowers. Being the thrifty Vermonters that we are, we seek out avenues of dispersal to avoid the waste of our months of hard work weeding, watering, and worrying. While at the general store, we place bags of zucchini in empty cars hoping the owners don’t notice an extra bag. In the middle of the night we drop off bags of vegetables on doorsteps at houses that don’t have gardens. We place boxes on street corners with a big FREE sign, hoping that out-of-towners will bring them home to CT and NY. We empty the library of cookbooks for salsa and Italian food, and we vow not to plant as many seeds next year.

Apple season aka Harvest Season
Honey Crisps, Red Delicious, Northern Spy, Macoun, Winesap and many other yummy varieties of apples grace the trees and our picnic baskets as we venture out into the fields and orchards. There are many local orchards growing really tasty varieties in Vermont. There are numerious harvest festivals here in Vermont, and some of them are lots of fun, if you can take the time off…

Fall – Leaf peeping season
Swarms of buses and cars on our tiny roads careening out of control seeking out the most vibrant foliage, the greatest deals in the factory outlets and the cutest crafts. This is truly a spectacular time of the year here, but don’t come up – there is no room left at the inns and it always rains.

The elusive Peak of Foliage season. The one-day when the reds are truest, the oranges are most vibrant, and the yellows the brightest. Really this only lasts a day or so, (yet it is different down the streen) after that leaves dive bomb the cats and swirl endlessly about.

Indian Summer
Usually arrives once we have gotten used to the cold and lasts just long enough to give us all colds from running around in tee shirts when its 40 degrees outside.

It ain’t snowing (yet) taint fall no more, taint doing much o nothing but getting colder and grayer.

Hunting Season
The tourists have departed, the hunters are roaming the hills, and its time to stack the wood piles near the house where its safe. Hear there is plenty of good hunting in Connecticut.

Ski Season After 36 hours of non-stop snow, we gleefully drag out the cross-country skis and ski into the woods. There are hundreds of trails in and around Southern Vermont. Most of the trails are free and not necessarily groomed. Sometimes we visit with our friends all snowbound at home or stop at the movie store to rent movies. Those of us with more time and money on our hands, head for the mountains with the gear on the car to abuse our bodies one more time before the lift lines close.

Holiday Season Tis the season to be … Driving off to some relatives house somewhere not quite as nice as here.
Vacation Season After the new year its time for the beach! Many people (flat landers especially) find it difficult to spend the entire winter in Vermont. A tropical vacation usually provides that welcome bit of relief from the wintry blues.
January Thaw Don’t be fooled: this is not spring – just a brief reprise. It is amazing how regularly this happens.

Sugaring Season Sap flows in the very early spring when the temperature climbs above freezing long enough to stimulate the trees and start a flow of maple sap. Sugar houses spout wisps of sweet steam from the windows and vents. Sugar on snow is a special treat for the kids. This not so exotic beverage can be found at local sugaring houses only at this time of year.

Mud Season Four wheel drive only: mud, ruts, frozen and thawed roads that are just not passable, except for the Jeep, Land Rover and Subaru’s with 4WD. This is a challenging time of year, you can expect to loose a muffler on the back roads if your car is too low.

(author unknown, found it on the net)

the blind

Painfully blind the one that only sees that his mind commands him
Forever contented is the one – when the mind is blind, the Eye sees the Universe in its full glory (ik)

Stand Still

It is basically manic – frantic, or both.

I am hiding behind work that I don’t have. I pretend that I have a lot to do because my surrounding is always busy. Manic and frantic. Not manic would mean they are out of control. How familiar!

I can’t just do ‘nothing’. In a household where there are no weekends, time offs, time to waste, where order is the lord above chaos, where if you sit you are lazy – one must be busy so to fit in.

And so I did. How greatly it all resembles the way I grew up. If you did not do something constantly you did not have the right to be alive. We have a saying back where I grew up – ‘If you don’t work you should get fed’.

So, I get busy. I grab my laptop, find a place, sit down start looking for work, something to do, write, whatever that looks busy, fills the time available and keeps my mind focused on something useless.

The funny thing is that, deep inside of us, we all crave for peace and time-off from our business but we are prisoners of our own selves. The monkey on its treadmill and does not let its prisoner go easily. It takes considerable effort to relax, just to be. At first it is like an impossible task. The mind goes around like crazy telling us all the stuff we need to do underscoring it with solid reasoning based upon our feeling of insecurity. ‘if you don’t do this, you will suffer it greatly’ and on and on…’ And we don’t even notice that we are trapped and tricked every moment of our lives. Part of us keeps on waiting for the moment when we stop and silence ourselves, stand still, just be – these are the most precious moments that hardly ever happen to most of us – me included.

Oh mind you carry on your back
Your actions like a heavy sack.
No wonder that your shoulders ache
Another strain’s enough to break
Your neck
So drop this stupid load.
This is the last stop on the road where you can find rest
Stay, be Love’s guest. (Kabir) Translated by Robert Bly

“let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull
of what you truly love” (Rumi)

Today like every other day
We wake up empty and scared.
Don’t open the door of your study
And begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do
There are hundreds of way to kneel
And kiss the earth. (Rumi)


Loners don’t take the time to be with others.

They go about their own business all the time, not noticing the chances that pass by connecting with others, learning from them, sharing with them – leaving their marks on the other’s heart. (ik)

I wonder

I have been wondering what it is I am looking for; what kind of a life I wish to live if I had all the resources, skills, means that now I don’t think I have.

So one of the the answers is: the life of a  wanderer. I like going from one place to another and have different experiences. I actually enjoy meeting all different kinds of people and love the way we connect. It requires a lot of flexibility on my part. It helps me greatly to let go of the idea that we are different and puts me in a position of assimilating, sort of allowing others to be and I am also just ’be’ with them. I like the idea to connect with others for a while, exchanging something and moving on meeting others to exchange with.

The one thing that I don’t like is the physical discomfort of moving around all the time never having a place I call mine or ‘home’ (whatever that really means), constantly being a visitor. (Though, we all probably, are only visitors here)

The other way I can imagine myself living is the life of an ‘artist’. Some call it Life-artist. The idea is that that you don’t have anything sort of ‘fix’ in your life, it is a bit like going with the flow. You don’t have a regular job that you attend to daily, neither do you have regular chores neither financial commitments nor responsibilities. Your sole responsibility is yourself and your journey.

I have no idea how one can achieve a state of living like this, but I would be greatly grateful if I could master the level of trust in myself and so in the IM so to achieve that.

Recently I have been observing lives – most of them are run by daily chores and have-to’s. Like I always did.
The question stays the same: who am I and what kind of life I wish to live that fulfils who I am. I wonder …

Some thoughts on healing and changing

I am realizing that though I wish I could think more, analyze more, discover more – there is nothing to think about, to discover or analyze.

One needs to move upwards with the streams …

What is down here in unchangeable by its nature. Healing and ’change’ only begins when the Soul starts taking dominion.

Nevertheless, I must admit, one needs to start ‘Soul-searching’ somewhere –  and we tend to start with either personal development courses (psychologist) or at the church.

Way to go!

The land of the F – from Freedom to Fear (personal observation)

15 years ago America was the land of the Free. I came here to see how it is done: a mixture of self-confidence and the attitude of ’I can make it happen’. And it was true especially for big city people. What I used to hear was ’I am gonna be a millionaire one day’. What you mostly here now is ’I hope I will get a job tomorrow’. A world of difference.
What most amazes me is that though there hasn’t been state funded health care system ever here majority of people did not seem to feel insecure or throw off balance by general issues of life. As opposed to that, now everywhere I go I hear concern – in different ways but fear is tangible now.

Because of the constant wars and disagreements (and the results of all that) Europeans seem to be used to constant tension and insecurity – to different degrees obviously, but seemingly uninfluenced by constant change in ’climate’.
Americans, up until 2001 lived in some kind of oblivion to the tensions and challenges of the rest of the world. They must have heard of what was going on in other parts of the world but most of the Americans was not even aware of where those places were on the map. Probaly they are aware of it now.

And we all are.  And it is time , we get aware, we change, we move, we find new ways and seek new patterns of thinking and behaving. It is time for us all, no matter where we choose to live.

After all we could be grateful since all that is happening is nothing else but growing support in searching for the Light and moving out of the darkness of the ’down and out’.

In my ruins

I wonder what happened. Everything went so well up until a week ago. I felt so contented and happy and suddenly it went all out the window without saying good-bye. By the end of the week I had muscle spasms in my left calf; had stomach problems that prevented me from eating anything for two days accompanied by tremendous headaches and symptoms of indigestion.

I am in my ruins. What could have happened that threw me into such a state?

After  weeks of total bliss I arrived to the hectic Big Apple Life is very different there. People seem to live in a treadmill of work-work-work and scheduled free time. Most of them seem that way anyway.

It felt as if I arrived back to Hungary in a blink of an eye. Insecurities running wild, pushing and screaming in pain – not a moment of halt or peace; constant buzz to make sure nothing is revealed, nothing is seen, nothing is felt, especially emotional pain. All is under the carpet. Many skeletons in the cupboard nobody wants to look into. Does it sound familiar?

And we suffer, words of complains pour out of the environment constantly but nobody does anything. Instead of doing, they complain and wish others would do something to ease their pain that they are not even aware of any more. And so they try to shut up the loud one not noticing that it is the one who only screams for us to see what is in the cupboard hidden.

So my body screams for me to notice something, some pain probably that I buried long time ago and not having been willing to look at. Not much anger any more but physical pain of indigestion, lack of processing and not being to move on. Fabulous! So letting go is challenging. I identify(ed) myself with all that I just saw, all that I just witnessed – running away from pain via business and anger (hidden under the skin of frustration); making demands upon others; being helpful so I’d be loved and cared for; being scattered with too much going on at one time.

So what now?

About the boy

swearing and kicking he demands, the boy, what he (thinks he) wants

the world so far has offered him little of his desires but mostly needles to fear

his world is insecure, scary and uncontrollable so he grabs each and every opportunity to control it and forces others to be his servant in gaining it

tired many of his wants and needs, still the best way to have him is offering attention and a patient look saying: ‘I am here, you are safe even if you don’t get what you think you need’

his little body is made suffer many little syringes daily without a word of complaint; it is a routine now how he takes what his body requests

occasionally he scream for something he cannot have and after having it, syringes come again hunting

the world revolves around his little needles

he bares and screams

until he can start moving beyond his fear and pain

On the way to freedom

I don’t even know what I am looking at. I am busy with participating. Still doing my best to see what is happening. I am here to give them something and I hope I am doing well. I know now that it is not the thoughts or ideas I give, that matters – I just hope that I can stay open and ’loving’ enough to embrace them as they are, every single one of them. I see their flaws and do my best to accept them. I ask the Immortal Beloved (IM) to embrace them especially when they are in fraction.

What do I see? I see my family. I see how I grew up.

What do I hear? I hear the noises of my childhood, especially screams and shouting.

But now I see the other side of the story as well, what dad and mum felt as parents – at least a glimpse of it – dealing with me and my siblings. Rare opportunities.

I also see myself in many different ways. I see myself reflected. There is a part of me who belongs here: the sacrificial lamb and the prosecutor. And I see my reactions to this fragmented life. I feel my own impatience growing.  I can stay calm because I know I can get out of this any time. I don’t need to change anything . I just know this is not my choice any more. It is still inside of me and may not ever be able to leave it completely behind, but I can stop, stand and wait until its urge passes without slipping into it.

Visited Manhattan.  Crazy and hectic. Scattered energies. Shopping people everywhere. People who try and feed some emptiness inside with a new pair of shoes or other goods. Observations. I am one of these people. If there is any difference, that is that I see it now and so I have a choice not to do it. And sometimes I chose not to, sometimes I buy into it. Such is life. I am happy that I have a choice, anyhow.


I would like to write about how the inner experiences of meditation affects the outer. Not as if it changes the outer but rather it makes me see the other differently.

I don’t believe in enlightenment. But I believe in taking upon a new view of Life as a result of letting something greater than ourselves into our lives.

It is hard to write about something that is not of this world. So I try and grab it by how it appears to me on the outside.  The result of turning inside for me was an immense amount of realisations of what blocks me from being me, and on a happier note I also started to become freer in my self-expression, authenticity and honesty. Though I am one of those people who never cared to much about what others thought of me or my ways, I still had the inclination to either ignore others completely or try and please them so I get what I wanted (especially safety). I trust more that I am safe to be me, then before. I feel OK to be me, feeling less judgemental and less demanding. I am not an angel and will never be one. Nevertheless, experiencing myself as nice, funny and kind is a beautiful experience for myself regardless of what others make of it – and as an added value other seems to like it too.

A completely different ballgame all together! 🙂

A few weeks later

Two and half weeks down the road all seems little blurry and funny. I spent all this time so far in Fort Wayne, Indiana. An amazing ‘little’ city on the border of Ohio and Indiana. Population is around 250 thousand and still one of the most magical places I have ever been. Obviously the people make it like that. The people who open their homes and hearts to foreigners like myself without considering the consequences like have a tornado rushing through their homes! 🙂 I am grateful for those courageous and brave inhabitants of F.W. Indiana, who opened their home and hearts to me.

Beyond the visits, the music, the galleries, the artwork, the lovely chats and smiles another world started to open up to me and bringing me immense amount of joy and more clarity.  That plane is my Home. Not only mine but ours all, though I am one of the few who actually aware of its existence. And I am deeply grateful that I can be one of them.
Through meditation and prayer I reach towards my Home and as my Home with its unique host waves back at me, my heart fills with joy, I wave back knowing that one day I will be a visitor there and will never leave my beloved Home and its host, the Immortal Beloved, ever again. Until then I sit and pray for entrance.

When I get close to the gates I feel immense joy and hear trumps and flutes welcoming me. Then I fall back upon this gray place, chant the names, and fly towards my Home again, until I need no return.
For now, I am walking the Path towards my Home and the Immortal Beloved. And on the way I encounter many blessing in a different shapes and forms. Some are smiling faces, some or huge drops of tears – all welcome on the way towards my Home.

No, it is not always smooth and easy walking the road less travelled. I keep my heart open – as much as I can -, breath in and exhale slowly, I focus on what is in front of me and when my restless mind wonders off to future lands I grab her, drive her back here where only the time is, tell her to relax: we are on holiday, I say, there is nothing to sort out or worry about, all is taken care of. And so he relaxes and retrieves to his shelter waiting for being called upon duty. Until then there is silence.

And when it is a time of energy, enthusiasm and laughter – here I come, join in with other lovely ones, sharing the moments of great blessing, the blessings of togetherness and the joy of existence. Though the task I came here to ‘do’ may not be much of fun, the way of going about it can be joyous and shared with many.

Before leaving F.W. I feared to meet the ‘other’ world and finding myself lost and shut down again. And I hope, it may not be necessary to crawl away in shame and anger because I can see the Light, I may just be somebody having been waited upon to shine some ‘light’ on darker places. I am not here to induce change or to show the way, but I am here to share with those who is open and ready. For the rest, I send my blessing, because they also are on the Path, only unknowingly.

Iwish myself the courage to walk this Path with taking all its offering as a gift to embrace.

I wish all that I encounter to share great and joyous moments with.

I wish all my beloved brothers and sisters blessings. I am grateful for their being part of my life.

The start

I am in Fort Wayne, Indiana at the moment enjoying my time with beautiful people with whom we walk the same Path but having different experiences as we are going along.

I am taking part in workshops and events and I can’t stop LAFing!  My creativity is booming… is there really a life with full of smiles and joy? What does it take …?