Category Archives: The Journey

WOW! Such an angry man. He says Brexit will lead the way and allow other EU member countries to leave. He seemed particularly angry with the French and the German. He says The Brits will stop buying French and German … Continue reading →

We are doomed. Looking at her, the way she retreats in fear, I understand how much we do not stand a chance in life. We were robbed as children of all our abilities by imbeciles. Neither can I blame them, … Continue reading →

I though then I demanded, finally, I hoped that it was somebody else’s job. I spent the Holy week contemplating on my life, how my life developed into its present shape. I looked for signs where I might have taken … Continue reading →

God could have arranged something by now. You know, like Echart Tolle, who one day found himself enlightened. Out of the blue. The Holy Spirit could have intervened. I could have reached a relevant state of peace, I could have … Continue reading →

I have recently noticed that I just want time to pass. I constantly count down the minutes and the days. Each morning I wake up, I just cannot wait for the day to end. For a few decades I hoped … Continue reading →

A couple of days ago a friend suggested that my main karma is that I feel obliged. The Hungarian word ‘köteles’ when translated literally means ‘by rope’. I think it is rather interesting that I constantly feel that I am … Continue reading →

This morning as I was contemplating in the conservatory looking out into the morning darkness and observing how the faint light becomes stronger and stronger with each minute, I noticed how unsatisfied I was with my life. I consider myself … Continue reading →

As I am heading back to the UK to work, I sadly noticed how dissatisfied I was with my life. It is not that I am not grateful for what I am given. Neither is it about not being expecting … Continue reading →

God often talks to me. I used to ignore Him because I did not understand what He said. He was persistent. He never gave up trying to find the way to share with me. So, eventually, I bowed at His … Continue reading →

I am happy. I experience joy, suddenly. I realize that I carry the energy of the court jester. Someone who can be laughed at and made fun of because nobody actually understands what she is saying. It is always, however, … Continue reading →

She is just a trigger. One of the unaware ones. In a sense, I am grateful to her. Not only for myself but for the other two girls, too. She is our nemesis. She drives us off the wall. Each … Continue reading →

Good God! A 4-hour chatting marathon. It helped me understand that I was hanging in the void for quite some time thinking that I was with God but I actually wasn’t. When I realized this I felt cheated and very lost.  I … Continue reading →

The wounded are the best healers. I would like to give the kids in my care the opportunity to know God, or rather I’d like to prevent them from loosing God’s Love. I don’t seem to be able to heal … Continue reading →

This morning I asked God why He gives me this amazing ability, this heightened level of perception to see beyond the surface, that I call intelligence? I questioned why he allowed me to have access to such great depths of … Continue reading →

As I was dusting off those long forgotten parts of me, I discovered my little hidden treasures. I realized that it is not only that I am passionate about drawing and cartoons but I am one of them! I am actually full of … Continue reading →

“If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37) With reference to “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” Beas mentions the Nectar and the cup that could hold the Nectar if … Continue reading →

I have been pushing this for a long time. I have been trying to make FW my home. I have gone extensive length with zero result. ‘It is obvious now that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I pretended … Continue reading →

This morning I had a thought about needs. I came to the conclusion that I put others’ needs before mines are met because I don’t think that I can meet mine (the reason behind it is different for all of … Continue reading →

I feel depleted, resourceless and empty. I have nothing to offer. I hang on to this extremely unhealthy environment trying to fix it, organize it, hold it together. Helplessly. I have completely forgotten about myself. I am surrounded with needy people … Continue reading →

I am shaking with fear, frustration, anger and a sense of helplessness. How loud will I need to be this time so to be heard? As if I was an invisible water bubble hanging from the ceiling, nobody notices my … Continue reading →

As I was walking home from walking 🙂 and was watching the waves licking the stone shore soft, I realized that though I am at the wrong place again with some unknown reason, I am still at the best possible place … Continue reading →

A helpless creature at the mercy of the universe. That is the result of a decade of contemplation. Fabulous! Apparently the journey is about self-discovery – with a slight twist, obviously. Self-discovery actually means that you eventually meet a monster … Continue reading →

Fear has a strange effect on people. As we all very well know, fear stems from our sense of separation, a sense of loneliness, desertedness or godlessness. We feel utterly vulnerably in an unpredictable and cruel world that only there … Continue reading →

It is a rather sad existence when you lose your illusions of who you think you are. Particularly when you think that you are some hot-shot almighty. A Self running on the fuel of a sense of helplessness and defencelessness … Continue reading →

I am reading Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee.  So, Love is supposed to be a fiery love affair. Well, I don’t believe in “the artful postures of Love”.  I do not see or experience … Continue reading →

Law of attraction – What I hate I attract. Here we go again! This morning I was talking about the law of attraction or Murphy’s Law, we attract what we focus on the most. As evidence shows, I must focus … Continue reading →

I have realized that in some way I am at fault. I am creating this mess around me. Not sure how though. I keep on trying to create a so-called inter-supportive relationships where both our strength are maximized by combined … Continue reading →

Dream I am feeling rather worried. I tried but could hardly medi this morning. I was looking forward to our LAFing but nobody was available this morning to listen to my whining. Must be a sign … what do all … Continue reading →

A Letter … Over all, it feels as if I am in some kind of a waiting again. I am rather relaxed about it all. I am not anxious, I simply don’t care much what happens. It is very uncomfortable … Continue reading →

Vibrations I am amazed to see how well I surround myself with abuse. Probably, the saddest thing is that it is set up in an invisible pattern of events, stimuli and responses. Nobody notices. Some completely ignore it, not even noticing the … Continue reading →

This morning This morning during my meditation I felt a strong need for closeness, being held and embraced in kind arms. I just wanted to experience some safety in the mist of this confusion and aimlessness I am going through. … Continue reading →

Here we go again. Journeying on, on Hell’s roller coaster. Here comes again, another round of disaster for the sake of salvation. Though we have moved countries and over 2000 kilometres, we haven’t moved and inch. Here I am surrounded with … Continue reading →

It is like a maze without and exit, for most of us, anyway. We are going around, lost within its patterns, on the tiny paths. It keeps us amazed and hopeful at every turn, that there might be an exit … Continue reading →

So, it is all my fault. Somewhere along the way I lost track of the Path I left your Garden Now I wonder aimlessly in the wilderness. You seem to have lost track of me, too! Have you not noticed? … Continue reading →

I heard you Calling I called back. You don’t seem to have heard my response Am I not loud enough for you? YES! DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID, YES. I said, yes, and I mean it. I am not … Continue reading →

In the past few weeks, I have been scanning and reading my old diaries from 35 to 10/15 years ago. Though many things have changed since then, actually nothing has changed. The main troubles and issues of mine are exactly … Continue reading →

Did you know that the origin of Lent was really about spending 40 days contemplating and ‘choosing your own adventure’? When I originally started thinking about Len, my first thoughts were, obviously, about what to give up for this Lenten … Continue reading →

I have been having this unbearable pain that feels as if someone was sitting on my chest making me suffocate slowly for a while. It is so beyond bearable that I went to see a neurologist and ended up taking … Continue reading →

I am resigned, submissive and acquiescent. I fight no more. I can’t make a difference, what is more, I can’t even say full-heartedly that there is a need for any change. Who am I to imply that, anyway? The meek, the blessed … Continue reading →

We all deal with some shit. It occasionally looks enormous, and sometimes we do not even notice its existence. However, the more you dig into your own shit to see what it is made of, the more you realize its … Continue reading →

It all started before I was born. I failed many people. I did not keep to my word and I could help them reach Nirvana. Upon dying I was struggling with immense amount of guilt, a sense of incompletion and … Continue reading →

We are limited reflections to one another. We reflect our stubborness in our limitations. I am stubborn and unwilling to enter the Grace of God and stay there. She is stubborn and unwilling to let of the illusion that she is … Continue reading →

I just would like you to consider what I tell you. I don’t want you to act in accordance with my words. Don’t be afraid, my words don’t hurt. Neither will your actions if you align them with your own … Continue reading →

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path. I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am … Continue reading →

I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I … Continue reading →

You don’t love me! I am feeling unlovable as if fallen out of favour for a life time. I am feeling betrayed and rejected. Half of humanity rejects me out of fear of the unknown, the different. The other half … Continue reading →

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging. If I could chose, I would want … Continue reading →

“We attract the same energy we give out. …” Well, I am puzzled. The experiences I have been having these past two days are rather odious. I started advertizing a program I am supposed to run and a lady started … Continue reading →

It amazes me that there is always another layer of depression under any depth of depression. There is always a way to feel a bit shittier than yesterday. I hear myself say “you have a choice here, man! You either … Continue reading →

I suspect that all that is present in my Life right now is a reflection of my inner world. Let’s have a look. I am homeless. I am taken in by my family who consists of three people: an anger … Continue reading →

Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I … Continue reading →

I have been very angry … I have been angry all my life, or most of it anyway, but recently it is a very weird kind of anger. I am painfully angry. so far, my anger was mostly vindictive, I … Continue reading →

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making … Continue reading →

I have run out of tools. Not as if I had many before. I had two. I screamed and shouted to let the other person know that whatever is happening is not OK with me. They did not get it. … Continue reading →

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a … Continue reading →

I  have neither the time nor energy for a lot of things that need attending, especially myself. I have an exhausted body, low energy level, slight depression creeping in now, and an always ready soul who just does not get … Continue reading →

I am sitting here alone (my preference) reflecting on the past few months. I have recently realized how much self-abuse I inflict on myself that causes me to become a so-called ‘suffering cow’. Why on Earth, you might ask, would … Continue reading →

Gen  19: “16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters, Jehovah being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth, and … Continue reading →

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how … Continue reading →

Feeling stupid. How could I do this to myself? How could I believe for even a second that it will turn out to be great. And it didn’t. I am at one of my worst’s and there is nobody to … Continue reading →

I heard once that the pain comes from resisting life, resisting living life for what it is. The pain is the price that we pay for wanting something else, complaining for not having what we think we should have while … Continue reading →

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” Khalil Gibran How appropriate! The garden of good and evil*. Between the Earth and the Heavens. I suspect that until one chooses the garden of good and so lives in the garden … Continue reading →

“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.” Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own … Continue reading →

I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me … Continue reading →

I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill.  It feels as if God has never existed; hid … Continue reading →

Most people, I know, has a demon inside him that either horrifies him or criticize him vigorously. My demon is a Nazi army officer. She tells me what a stupid and useless person I am, how ridiculous I am, especially, … Continue reading →

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why. Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being … Continue reading →

I fell in Love with God A long, long time ago. Our relationship is like most Old couples’; I am grumpy when I feel let down And He is forever forgiving Towards all my flaws. The passion has deceased Still … Continue reading →

Living who I TRULY am is my Service to God and To all His children I ever meet in this course of life This way I am a living example of his Loving – for us all His loving is … Continue reading →

You either abuse me or take me for dirt And still it is my fault Mea culpa Obviously I am incapable of presenting and communicating myself As a respectable human being Though, I can’t think how I would be able … Continue reading →

Interestingly her issues after all reflect mine too. I don’t think I am so far off, but I do see myself reflected in her behaviour. I am reserved meaning I withhold myself from others in protection of my integrity and … Continue reading →

It is like an unmistakable smell animals trace for their pray. I can stand miles away, my smell caught by the needy. My unspoken promise – to sort it all out, have all the answers and take all the responsibility … Continue reading →

She hates her life so much that no matter how much she is scared of death – the last breath of human existence – the very thought of death being the release and setting one free from the unbearable agony … Continue reading →

It is funny and sad when I look around myself – myself included. It is like a mechanical puppet show. I know which string to pull to get a certain reaction. I know what to say – we have been … Continue reading →

‘He’ He is the statue of passivity and repressed anger. He functions like Pavlov’s dog, most predictably: when questioned about his lack of touch with anything around him or his lack of care for anything but the games that takes … Continue reading →

I have wondered all my adult life what it is that I am so ashamed of, that I feel so guilty about. Today it downed on me – I am ashamed of being a ‘Hungarian’ as if it meant being … Continue reading →

Well, today is mother’s day. My mother asked me why I have drawn a flower for her. I said , ‘because I don’t have the means to go out and get you a bunch’. She said, ‘no, no, I mean … Continue reading →

There was nobody available for us children To take care, to hold, to lead To love We grew like mushrooms after a hard rain The others learnt to protect themselves By pleasing others and disappearing behind a cloud of Self-destruction … Continue reading →

She reminds me of my mother Selfish pretending to be kind and supportive Though all her actions are driven by one single cause To feel safe and protected   Each time I think of her I see her smile and … Continue reading →

The  punishment is justified I am bad, bad, bad … Nobody can prove me wrong Nobody can prove otherwise I have been told too many times To change my mind about it My heart is set on the purgatory The … Continue reading →

My brother is an addict Like a brainless zombie His eyes are forever fixed on the screen His brain is captured by dragons and demons Click, click, click … Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years pass Without him realizing His … Continue reading →

Loneliness shot a hole through my heart I fell on the ground Tears like blood poured out From the hole of a bottomless well That used to be my heart