Another kind of love

WOW! Such an angry man. He says Brexit will lead the way and allow other EU member countries to leave. He seemed particularly angry with the French and the German. He says The Brits will stop buying French and German products and that will be the end of the french champagne industry. I do not […]

Shred of Thought

We are doomed. Looking at her, the way she retreats in fear, I understand how much we do not stand a chance in life. We were robbed as children of all our abilities by imbeciles. Neither can I blame them, though. There is a long line of abuse we were only tiny part of. The result is […]

To serve or not to serve

The boy killed himself in the church yard. The pastor talks about the society we, adults, have created for our children. A society that compares and judges. A society that must have ‘the best’ and everything else is mediocre or disappointing. The 15-year-old boy killed himself in the centre church’s yard broad daylight. NOBODY NOTICED […]

Wisdom and Freedom

Some background info on Pentecost & Passover here For the next two days we are asked to review the past 50 days and see how far we have come since Easter. At Easter, Jesus was revealed to be one of our guides on the way to Home. His teachings became a source for personal wisdom […]

Abandonment

I though then I demanded, finally, I hoped that it was somebody else’s job. I spent the Holy week contemplating on my life, how my life developed into its present shape. I looked for signs where I might have taken the wrong turn. I was searching for answers. I have found none.

The Promise of Easter

This week the Christian Church observes the Via Dolorosa, Jesus’ last days and hours that are depicted in the 14 Stations. During this week, we walk the sorrowful way towards Resurrection in Easter. The origin of the stations are a bit hazy, some claims it originates from Mary, Jesus’ mother, some say that the stations […]

Fractions

God could have arranged something by now. You know, like Echart Tolle, who one day found himself enlightened. Out of the blue. The Holy Spirit could have intervened. I could have reached a relevant state of peace, I could have let go of my past, my pre-dispositions, some of my fears, I could be enlightened […]

Fate

I have recently noticed that I just want time to pass. I constantly count down the minutes and the days. Each morning I wake up, I just cannot wait for the day to end. For a few decades I hoped that the next day would bear more fruit. By now, I have learnt that life […]

Preparing for Lent, Ash Wednesday

A couple of days ago a friend suggested that my main karma is that I feel obliged. The Hungarian word ‘köteles’ when translated literally means ‘by rope’. I think it is rather interesting that I constantly feel that I am ‘by the rope’. It is true that I am convinced that this life is somehow […]

Morning awareness

This morning as I was contemplating in the conservatory looking out into the morning darkness and observing how the faint light becomes stronger and stronger with each minute, I noticed how unsatisfied I was with my life. I consider myself an exceptionally bright human being with a unique sense of creativity and depth of vision […]

Dissatisfied

As I am heading back to the UK to work, I sadly noticed how dissatisfied I was with my life. It is not that I am not grateful for what I am given. Neither is it about not being expecting to be rich or running my own company or having some giant deal going on […]

Epiphany in disguise

Yesterday, I was observing the epiphanies in my life. In the morning I had a lovely chat with my best friends discussing our New Year’s resolutions and how we envisage our life the next year. Life was good and I felt a sense of connection and being supported. I had many epiphanies during our discussions […]

The joy of being me

I am happy. I experience joy, suddenly. I realize that I carry the energy of the court jester. Someone who can be laughed at and made fun of because nobody actually understands what she is saying. It is always, however, that the jester is witty and entertaining because he is intelligent and bright. I live […]

Advent W3

The third week of Advent: JOY This week we reclaim our sense of joy. After having become aware of a layer of our personality that does not serve us any more and having made peace with it, we can rejoice. Being joyous requires a little bit more than just having some fun time over the […]

Upclose and personal

Good God! A 4-hour chatting marathon. It helped me understand that I was hanging in the void for quite some time thinking that I was with God but I actually wasn’t. When I realized this I felt cheated and very lost.  I hold God responsible for my ‘stuck-ness’. I suddenly understand how stuck I am. I have been […]

Shreds of Thought

The wounded are the best healers. I would like to give the kids in my care the opportunity to know God, or rather I’d like to prevent them from loosing God’s Love. I don’t seem to be able to heal myself or give myself back what is lost. I seems to be lost forever. But […]

Servant of Love

This morning I asked God why He gives me this amazing ability, this heightened level of perception to see beyond the surface, that I call intelligence? I questioned why he allowed me to have access to such great depths of this world if I cannot make others see this world? I complained that He wasted […]

Miss sassy

As I was dusting off those long forgotten parts of me, I discovered my little hidden treasures. I realized that it is not only that I am passionate about drawing and cartoons but I am one of them! I am actually full of cartoon figures! As I was recalling that sweet, cheeky blond girl of about 3 who […]

On meditation

“If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37) With reference to “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” Beas mentions the Nectar and the cup that could hold the Nectar if turned upright. According to the teachings, we can only receive the Nectar or the Living […]

Letting go and accepting

I have been pushing this for a long time. I have been trying to make FW my home. I have gone extensive length with zero result. ‘It is obvious now that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I pretended you were the one and I will make you perfect for me. So, it did […]

Needs and being in service

This morning I had a thought about needs. I came to the conclusion that I put others’ needs before mines are met because I don’t think that I can meet mine (the reason behind it is different for all of us: feeling undeserving or incapable, etc.). So, by meetings others’ needs and helping them I […]

Unforgiven

I feel depleted, resourceless and empty. I have nothing to offer. I hang on to this extremely unhealthy environment trying to fix it, organize it, hold it together. Helplessly. I have completely forgotten about myself. I am surrounded with needy people who does not know how to nurture or take care of themselves. In my dreams […]

Being heard and needs met

I am shaking with fear, frustration, anger and a sense of helplessness. How loud will I need to be this time so to be heard? As if I was an invisible water bubble hanging from the ceiling, nobody notices my existence. Nobody cares. Trouble or inspiration? I want no trouble. I just want to be […]

A helpless creature

A helpless creature at the mercy of the universe. That is the result of a decade of contemplation. Fabulous! Apparently the journey is about self-discovery – with a slight twist, obviously. Self-discovery actually means that you eventually meet a monster inside of yourself, some so-called shadow figure who turns out to be the creator of […]

Fear and helplessness

Fear has a strange effect on people. As we all very well know, fear stems from our sense of separation, a sense of loneliness, desertedness or godlessness. We feel utterly vulnerably in an unpredictable and cruel world that only there to destroy us. Nobody is without fear, we just name our fears differently and manage […]

The helpless competent

It is a rather sad existence when you lose your illusions of who you think you are. Particularly when you think that you are some hot-shot almighty. A Self running on the fuel of a sense of helplessness and defencelessness crave nothing but daily proof that validates its inherent and exceptional ability to control fate […]

Worthiness

I am reading Love Is a Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee.  So, Love is supposed to be a fiery love affair. Well, I don’t believe in “the artful postures of Love”.  I do not see or experience anything around me that I would consider Love or Loving. I see people pose in […]

My reflection

Here we go again. Journeying on, on Hell’s roller coaster. Here comes again, another round of disaster for the sake of salvation. Though we have moved countries and over 2000 kilometres, we haven’t moved and inch. Here I am surrounded with my own personal demons; with an overwhelmed adult and a needy, anxious little girl inside. […]

The Maze

It is like a maze without and exit, for most of us, anyway. We are going around, lost within its patterns, on the tiny paths. It keeps us amazed and hopeful at every turn, that there might be an exit after this very last round, But there is never one. Luckily, we are unaware of […]

I heard you Calling

I heard you Calling I called back. You don’t seem to have heard my response Am I not loud enough for you? YES! DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID, YES. I said, yes, and I mean it. I am not sure, But I am never sure about anything. So, don’t get discouraged! I am here. […]

The lessons to learn

In the past few weeks, I have been scanning and reading my old diaries from 35 to 10/15 years ago. Though many things have changed since then, actually nothing has changed. The main troubles and issues of mine are exactly the same as they were 35 or 10 years ago. There is no change, I […]

The Adventure of Lent

Did you know that the origin of Lent was really about spending 40 days contemplating and ‘choosing your own adventure’? When I originally started thinking about Len, my first thoughts were, obviously, about what to give up for this Lenten Season. So, I contemplated “What kind of food shall I give up now?” It was […]

Pain and the glass-ball

I have been having this unbearable pain that feels as if someone was sitting on my chest making me suffocate slowly for a while. It is so beyond bearable that I went to see a neurologist and ended up taking ‘relaxants’ besides being a part time alcoholic.  Workaholism has been a trustworthy company for so long […]

Just thoughts …

I am resigned, submissive and acquiescent. I fight no more. I can’t make a difference, what is more, I can’t even say full-heartedly that there is a need for any change. Who am I to imply that, anyway? The meek, the blessed meek… Why has it taken me so long to understand that it is only the […]

My shit, your shit

We all deal with some shit. It occasionally looks enormous, and sometimes we do not even notice its existence. However, the more you dig into your own shit to see what it is made of, the more you realize its basic elements. Eventually, you come to see he sticky soil the makes up the web […]

Reflections

We are limited reflections to one another. We reflect our stubborness in our limitations. I am stubborn and unwilling to enter the Grace of God and stay there. She is stubborn and unwilling to let of the illusion that she is there already. We must have it in our own way. She is all in the […]

My failed experiment

I am running away … I am turning away from God because I am not fit for his path. I am turning away from God because when I look around and I don’t see anybody like me. Not because I am so unique or anything but because of my character. For this path or any path […]

My normal life

I am just so tired of talking and writing about the same shit. It keeps on being the same thing, somehow: I am upset, angry and feeling helpless when it comes to any change. When I talk to others, I show no mercy. I tell them that they are the sorcerers of their destinies and […]

Loved

You don’t love me! I am feeling unlovable as if fallen out of favour for a life time. I am feeling betrayed and rejected. Half of humanity rejects me out of fear of the unknown, the different. The other half considers me for nothing as if I did not even exist. I am betrayed by […]

My abnormal life

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging. If I could chose, I would want to live a life of ‘normality’. I would want to have a family, children, a […]

Fear and Love

“We attract the same energy we give out. …” Well, I am puzzled. The experiences I have been having these past two days are rather odious. I started advertizing a program I am supposed to run and a lady started to have this funny conversation with me that ended with her calling me names and […]

Frozen

It amazes me that there is always another layer of depression under any depth of depression. There is always a way to feel a bit shittier than yesterday. I hear myself say “you have a choice here, man! You either feel crap or you do something about it” Honestly, I truly wish I could do […]

Lost in transition

Well, I can’t do it the old way anymore. Fine. But there is no new way either! I have been having extreme stomach pains and headaches for the past few days. My meditation is out the window. Only because I am so unbearably worried that I can’t even breathe properly. I so proudly owned two […]

My wayside spirituality

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making a life’ of sacrifice, fitting in, making it in the world and similar. Well, I […]

Connection

I have run out of tools. Not as if I had many before. I had two. I screamed and shouted to let the other person know that whatever is happening is not OK with me. They did not get it. I don’t blame them. It must have been too much or too loud! The other […]

Two of my women

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a sweet and kind woman who really cares about others and wishes to offer her kindness […]

Self-Care

I  have neither the time nor energy for a lot of things that need attending, especially myself. I have an exhausted body, low energy level, slight depression creeping in now, and an always ready soul who just does not get the meaning of the word ‘NO’. I seem to be constantly busy with different  matters […]

The Self-Abuser Squad

I am sitting here alone (my preference) reflecting on the past few months. I have recently realized how much self-abuse I inflict on myself that causes me to become a so-called ‘suffering cow’. Why on Earth, you might ask, would I cause myself so much pain and anguish? Well, there is always a cause and […]

Never look back

Gen  19: “16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters, Jehovah being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them […]

Love is all around

There are a few days in a year that we call the days of Love and Forgiveness. In the Christian world we associate these days with the Christ who embodied these principles. What I find fascinating is to see how most unloving we tend to be during these days. We somehow turned these days from […]

Moving on

Feeling stupid. How could I do this to myself? How could I believe for even a second that it will turn out to be great. And it didn’t. I am at one of my worst’s and there is nobody to blame. I have made all the decisions that led me here where I am today. […]

The pain of resistance

I heard once that the pain comes from resisting life, resisting living life for what it is. The pain is the price that we pay for wanting something else, complaining for not having what we think we should have while not realizing what we actually have. Well, I have a bit of an issue with […]

Sadness

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” Khalil Gibran How appropriate! The garden of good and evil*. Between the Earth and the Heavens. I suspect that until one chooses the garden of good and so lives in the garden of evil there is a constant longing for finally entering the other garden and arriving […]

Freedom

“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.” Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own destinies. However, it is not the truth we are all free to choose our destinies […]

Uncomfortable

I somehow make her feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. No matter how hard I try to look normal, she feels something odd that she cannot put her finger on – so to make sense of her ‘fear’ she checks me out from all angles. She even asks for my passport once again to scan it […]

My creation

I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill.  It feels as if God has never existed; hid behind the greatest grey cloud there is. Out of sight, touch, sense, even taste. It […]

Schizophrenic

Most people, I know, has a demon inside him that either horrifies him or criticize him vigorously. My demon is a Nazi army officer. She tells me what a stupid and useless person I am, how ridiculous I am, especially, when I try so hard and get nothing at the end. She laughs at me […]

Victim of abuse

I have been upset for so long that I can’t remember when it actually started or why. Mostly I have been feeling upset about being victimized. No matter how well I know that there is no such thing as being a victim, I simply can’t handle it, I can’t get it out of my mind. […]

I fell in Love

I fell in Love with God A long, long time ago. Our relationship is like most Old couples’; I am grumpy when I feel let down And He is forever forgiving Towards all my flaws. The passion has deceased Still our Love is burning In flames, As we look at each other and I Realize […]

Unique

Living who I TRULY am is my Service to God and To all His children I ever meet in this course of life This way I am a living example of his Loving – for us all His loving is expressed in the form through our living our True-Self And it always looks ‘different’ with […]

Mea culpa

You either abuse me or take me for dirt And still it is my fault Mea culpa Obviously I am incapable of presenting and communicating myself As a respectable human being Though, I can’t think how I would be able to Since nobody ever treated me that way Nobody ever showed me how it is […]

Sophisticated shit vs. grace

Interestingly her issues after all reflect mine too. I don’t think I am so far off, but I do see myself reflected in her behaviour. I am reserved meaning I withhold myself from others in protection of my integrity and sense of self, trying to avoid constant humiliation and ridicule. At the same time I […]

My smell

It is like an unmistakable smell animals trace for their pray. I can stand miles away, my smell caught by the needy. My unspoken promise – to sort it all out, have all the answers and take all the responsibility – marks me from a long distance. And you find me with ease. You ask […]

Death

She hates her life so much that no matter how much she is scared of death – the last breath of human existence – the very thought of death being the release and setting one free from the unbearable agony of living welcomes it at any moment. It is sad and still beautiful – she […]

Puppet show

It is funny and sad when I look around myself – myself included. It is like a mechanical puppet show. I know which string to pull to get a certain reaction. I know what to say – we have been refining for years the very words that trigger specific responses. I still don’t know if […]

He&She

‘He’ He is the statue of passivity and repressed anger. He functions like Pavlov’s dog, most predictably: when questioned about his lack of touch with anything around him or his lack of care for anything but the games that takes his mind off all the worries he is scared to face (or thinks he is […]

My greatest shame and guilt

I have wondered all my adult life what it is that I am so ashamed of, that I feel so guilty about. Today it downed on me – I am ashamed of being a ‘Hungarian’ as if it meant being a leper. I have always felt cursed in some way. I have thought about it […]

Mother’s day

Well, today is mother’s day. My mother asked me why I have drawn a flower for her. I said , ‘because I don’t have the means to go out and get you a bunch’. She said, ‘no, no, I mean why did you do it’ ‘You are my mother, you gave birth to me, it […]

Life owes me nothing

There was nobody available for us children To take care, to hold, to lead To love We grew like mushrooms after a hard rain The others learnt to protect themselves By pleasing others and disappearing behind a cloud of Self-destruction and self-abuse I learnt to be angry and take revenge By hiding my heart in […]

Her

She reminds me of my mother Selfish pretending to be kind and supportive Though all her actions are driven by one single cause To feel safe and protected   Each time I think of her I see her smile and the fright in her eyes That drives her to sell out, To lie, to betray […]

Forgiveness

The  punishment is justified I am bad, bad, bad … Nobody can prove me wrong Nobody can prove otherwise I have been told too many times To change my mind about it My heart is set on the purgatory The sinner of the sinners Resurrection must await some more I am on my way to […]

My brother

My brother is an addict Like a brainless zombie His eyes are forever fixed on the screen His brain is captured by dragons and demons Click, click, click … Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years pass Without him realizing His mind is being occupied with its distractions He does not even notice that He is […]