Thoughts on discipleship, service and ministerial studies @ the BoL
3/6/2016, I decided to create a diary for my journey of the ministerial studies. I suppose this can be part of my assignments because these posts are accounts of my personal experiences of various study related material and encounters.
Budapest, 8 05 2016
Regarding my studies towards becoming a minister I have recently realized a few issues that has an effect of my becoming a minister. These issues I find rather challenging to embrace.
First one, is often referred to as ’all is well’ or some say ’it is God’s will’ others express it as total acceptance of what is. I call it blind faith.
I grew up without much influence of the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, I have a bigot Catholic aunt who wanted to contribute to our religious education. Her faith, however, completely based on petrifying fear that lead her believing in demons and the devil so she taught us about how to fear God and avoid the devil, how to be good so to please God. There was no mention of a loving and caring God but a fearful one with vengeance.
I do not know what blind faith is, I am always doubtful. Therefore, I simply cannot embrace the idea that all is always well and it is always OK just as it is. Though I do not question ‘Fate’ as I call it, I do have issues embracing challenging times, not mentioning emphasizing the opposite by saying ‘it is all OK’.
It is a bit difficult to write about this ‘issue’ because the question is not about accepting what is but communicating what is truly happening for me.
To my understanding, as long as one believes that everything is just fine the way it is, it reflects an attitude that somehow eludes the notion of moving forward. One may move forward in life without any notion of striving, however, s/he is definitely not aware of it. The way I understand our relationship with God is that of awareness and conscious ‘efforts’. In general, I do not believe that for a human being it comes naturally to become spiritual. It takes efforts, quite some efforts indeed, to follow and stay with spiritual principles that serve us in the long run.
I suspect, that when one believes that all is OK, one presumes that there is nothing particularly needs to be ‘done’ to generate ‘change’. By change I mean deepening our connection with God. I understand that this connection is not a mental understanding, however, in my experience, it is a letting go of what blocks our deepening relationship with God that often surface as some kind of awareness in our consciousness.
To me, one must face wholeheartedly life’s curve balls, preferably, without much resistance, which could be called acceptance. However, the ‘all is well’ or ‘it is God’s will’ attitudes I consider blind faith without much depth beyond a mental conception of what God is or what our relationship with Him should look or feel like.
I think it is just human to feel that occasionally ‘all is just not so well, actually’. As one is going through a rough patch at any time in life, it feels anything but OK. Naturally, it does not mean, that I fight it, but it definitely reminds me that something should be ‘done’. When it is hard, I always feel that there is something I either avoid dealing with or I need to become aware of. I find it unnatural to slip into a numb sense of ‘all is OK’, when actually it does not feel so OK at all.
Therefore, I wonder, how I can wholeheartedly represent God’s best intention for us and His will being loving while I, myself, am so not OK with what is going on at a time.
God’s Love for us
My other issue is related to God, himself. I don’t seem to be able to grasp God’s Love for us. I keep on having the feeling that God is ‘just’ a place a fuzzy feeling of Home but I doubt that God is a caring entity, wishing us happiness.
As I look around I see so much suffering and need that I can hardly imagine that there is a God at all, not mentioning the idea that this ‘world’ we live in is actually part of His creation.
There was this boy, who is a toothless drunken old man now, who I though once was an angel. He was the sweetest, kindest, purest person I ever met. I felt nothing but immense amount of love each time I met him. He looked like the little angel boys on the altar painting. He had the blond locks of hair, piercing blue eyes, a sweet smile and gentle appearance. And he was like this until about the age of 12/13. He never turned bad, I don’t think he could, even if he wanted to. He just looks like someone who cannot deal with more pain, someone who does not want to remember anything anymore. He now lives in a constant alcohol infused oblivion. He is kind of lucky because his sister takes care of him so he won’t turn homeless and he could get up and go to work.
When I look at him I often wonder how God could let him slip away like that. I understand that our karmas take us to places that are really dark and thick and all that we live is our own creation of previously accumulated ‘sins’.
My mother is now suicidal. She has expressed her wish to die soon. She has by now given up on life, that life can be any different for her or that she can make nah difference in her life.
Looking at people I am screaming inside. Why don’t You help them somehow? How can You let them be like this? How can’t You not find the way to whisper Love into their ears so they can open up and make some change.
Even though I notice some ‘easing’ factors like my friends’ sister’s taking care for him and my brother’s care for my mother, my constant nagging that may allow her to make tiny changes.
However, in my mind, God is meant to be a miracle maker, a Gini of some sort, a Love Guru who can whisper magical words into our ears while we sleep and so we wake up a little bit more ‘enlightened’, a little bit less stuck or self-destructive or simply a little bit more willing the next morning.
I understand that none of the above can be comprehended or altered by the mind. I only hope for some of your experiences and thoughts that you could share with me that may help me embrace God’s intentions for us; that may allow me to see what is not visible for me right now.
I feel, that in these areas I lack authenticity. I simply cannot say that it is all OK, or it is going to be OK, God loves us no matter what because these are only words for me right now.