“How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.”
Freedom means uncovering that has always been there. When we are not free we seem to have a belief that we are not in control of our own destinies. However, it is not the truth we are all free to choose our destinies as well as acting upon a sense of freedom or imprisonment.
My imprisonment is about safety. No matter how horrible it may be, I still in some inexplicable way feel safe behind the bars of my self-imposed cell. It feel almost unbearable and no matter how much I hate it, I seem to recreate it.
My imprisonment is a belief that I must bare other people’s cruelty, abuse (mostly verbal) and neglect while I cannot express my needs or feelings because they will not be accepted and/or understood and/or others will make me feel wrong and stupid upon hearing them. They may even laugh at me if they hear what I need if they pay attention at all. I feel like a sacrificial lamb each time I realize that I recreated my prison with my special prisoner or prisoners who act their part impeccably. Obviously, it looks as if I was imposed by a bad-bad and cruel person.
My prisoners are people who usually have a lot of issues with themselves, they have their own inner Nazi punishing them around and making them feel ashamed and guilty all the time. So, in some way, they all in a state of constant self-defense, they are not at all open to hear the other person, what he/she has to say, because they constantly run their own self-inflicted punishment story in their heads what they experience as coming from the other person. So, they do not hear what they other says but what they think the other says which is always about them having done something wrong, so they have to present a proper self-defence story – of which they are thinking about while the other is talking – which prevents them from hearing the other person on the first place. They stay in a parallel universe where the other person is completely closed off and being ignored.
What is the benefit of my imprisonment?
There is nothing I actually need to do. As long as I believe that no matter what I would do or say, people would not respond positively and/or listen to me, I can avoid feeling vulnerable and putting myself out to be hurt. Besides, I have not idea how to say what I need or feel. I can only scream or shout, what I learnt, anyway. I can run away eventually being convinced that that person, again, did not love me or cared about me and the best I could do was getting out of there. Finally, this is the way how I convince myself to be alone – the safest place to be.
How about more responsibility for my freedom? How about not allowing more abuse by expressing me no matter what, letting tears run if needs be, learning to say what is true for me in a way that makes me attract people who can hear me out? How about that?