Morning awareness

This morning as I was contemplating in the conservatory looking out into the morning darkness and observing how the faint light becomes stronger and stronger with each minute, I noticed how unsatisfied I was with my life.

I consider myself an exceptionally bright human being with a unique sense of creativity and depth of vision that is not available to the majority. I am gifted. I have a lot to offer but all that is trapped inside of me within the bars of the cage I live in. Some people call it comfort-zone, some barriers or blockages that prevent me from fulfilling my potential.

I understand that my journey is the way it is supposed to be, only if I did not have those nagging expectations. I look at my life and see how unruly and challenging it is; I see a woman of great potential for healing floundering helplessly in pointless jobs; and I notice a lonely person craving for meaningful relationships.

It is a vicious circle of unforgiveness: I remember what my dream-life was like as a child. On the basis of that I form expectations how my life should be different from what it is now. I blame the world for having spoiled my life and made me this monstrous human being who cannot function properly in the world. Then I notice that I have no one to blame but myself. So, I judge myself which is very painful. Out of the pain grows misery, revenge, control, loath, and depression that make me feel unworthy and helpless. From this angle my life looks unruly and challenging …

Only if I could forgive and be free …