Mother’s day

Well, today is mother’s day.

My mother asked me why I have drawn a flower for her.

I said , ‘because I don’t have the means to go out and get you a bunch’.

She said, ‘no, no, I mean why did you do it’

‘You are my mother, you gave birth to me, it is your day, I congratulate you, that’s why’

‘I see’, she says and goes on…

I have a strenuous relationship with my mum because she did not have a chance to be a mother. She stayed forever a little princess girl like her father wanted her to be. That role saved her from all efforts and prevented her from being an adult  – a mother with children.

When she asked, ‘why I am rude to her’, I just said, I am not rude, I just don’t play your games any more, and so you feel hurt’. I did not have the chance to continue, because she thought she needed to say what she does not like and want differently. She told me, the she does her best to be out of my way so I won’t hurt her feelings;  she explained that she thinks if I looked inside of me I would see how wrong I am in my behaviour that she does not deserve.

She is right. I do look rude in my doings because I don’t let her get away with being a little girl any more, I don’t let her not taking responsibility for her actions even if she does them in complete oblivion.

I think I am fed up finding a good excuse for everybody to do their shit and I just say – like Jesus said – God, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing. I am not Jesus. I am just a human being who has taken enough abuse under the disguise of being Jesus.  There is always a reason why people behave the way they do, no question about that. My mum had no mum but her sister raised her. Her father in protecting her to feel motherless, he allowed her all the freedom to be a careless princess, to be selfish and self-centred. But not taking any responsibility for her life as an adult has no excuse to it. Making her family and children serve but one purpose to obey while she reigns has no a good excuse to get away with. Though she has. She has been excused from ‘good’ behaviour all her life with being pitied for being a motherless child, a little girl who simply does not know how to do ‘it’ whatever it may be.

My answer to your questions, mother, is that I have also been a motherless child all my life. You have no right to claim to be my mother, but on the grounds of giving birth to me, the rest was performed by many other women in my life. You did not know how to be a mther, neither did you think you should.

Well, yes, another said story. It is hopefully time to move on, to let go, understanding that she won’t change and I will never have the mother I wished for myself. I  must grow up and become a happy adult – hopefully a mum one day –  from this motherless child.

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