My abnormal life

So what is there to say when your life is falling apart and though I know it is for the best, living a life that has no coherence in it, is rather challenging.

If I could chose, I would want to live a life of ‘normality’. I would want to have a family, children, a dog, a job that I actually like doing … all the normal stuff, nothing special. I would want to live a boring life that can only offer routines and quick aging. And still, this part of me that is of this world wants nothing else but controlled security, accountability and a stable daily routine. One of the probable reason for that is that I have never live such a life. Not for a moment.

I look at the billboards or watch TV commercials, they all suggest some kind of happiness-like feelings hidden deep down in the simple ‘normalities’ of life. Behind the seemingly boring facade of such life they suggest some exciting and rather kinky happenings that are only available for those who live such a normal life.(Maybe that is why I am so attached to the idea of living normally).

Then, to my great surprise, when I tell others about the kind of life I live, their eyes open and they can’t help saying: “you are so free, I so envy you!” And I look at them in amazement because I always thought that their life, the normal life, is the life worth living. The billboard life.  A dream life. All these people go out into the world, they venture and gain. Don’t they? Or when they don’t, at least, there is something worthy to complain about, isn’t there?

Now, I understand that mostly what I perceive as exciting and kinky is nothing but attachment to all that is missing that is just out of reach, that what is offered by the billboards and the TV commercials. I actually miss out on nothing by not having a normal life.

My kind of life is challenging, daily. There is no security or coherence in it. It does not develop into anything greater than what it is right now. Neither is it really free as others suggest it is. It is rather empty actually so it requires a lot of creativity to fill it in with different unplanned activities and passing-the-time-with’s. This life offers me nothing whatsoever. I don’t become anybody eventually, I will not have a lot of great stuff accumulated by the end of it, I will not have a family to bury me, and neither will I be famous … all that would prove that my life – at the end of the day -was one worth living for.

Mine is simply an invisible and abnormal life.

This entry was posted in The Journey. Bookmark the permalink.